Re:Working on Shame

January 22, 2010

Joy, I bought Bradshaw's book a long time ago, at the recommendation

of a therapist or trusted friend. Twenty years ago? I got so turned

off by the strident language that I just could not believe Bradshaw.

My brother had seen his PBS series on the family (?) and raved about

it. I just could not get why I rejected the book each time I tried to

read it. And I tried every two or three years!

THEN, I had my ah-ha moment in October 2008, and realized I had a

nada. I had told myself for years, that my nada helped me do my

spiritual homework by identifying where I needed to heal. But after

a few months, I realized that my nada always pointed out my " flaws "

and it was NOT good. It took a friend of mine to tell me that the

voice in my head (that I shared with her from time to time) sounded

just like some of the dialogue I described with my mom. This past

summer, I finally realized I needed to work on my inner critic so that

I would stop being attacked by it, feeding into my nada's abuse.

In the fall, the word " shame " came to mind. So, I found Bradshaw's

Healing the Shame and dusted it off. I found it easier this time to

get past the parts of his story that did not fit me (he has a way of

generalizing that I do not like or agree with).... and suddenly it all

made sense and I realized what a great service he did with his

thinking and his writing on the topic. Like I said, before that, I

would just think, WTF? How can he make these generalizations? And his

stories were weird, distasteful even. I'd read most of them and said,

" That is not ME! " Now I realize there IS room for my story and his

generalities are true! I just was ashamed to read about shame!

Joy: As you continue to work with this, will you post here from time

to time? I know I need to do the solutions part, and your sharing

will motivate me.

I have had a peaceful month of no contact with my mom. I am feeling

my wounds healing up and my soul is relaxing. But when I hear her

voice again, I know I will have another home work assignment again!

I really do think that this book gets to the parts of us that are

wounded and that get reactivated by a nada or fada, even when we are

in limited contact with them.

January 22, 2010

Sometimes the similarities of our experiences amaze me. Like your brother,

, I saw Bradshaw's original lecture on PBS about " Toxic Shame " and was

absolutely riveted. I cried often as I watched it; Bradshaw was shining a

spotlight on the shame that permeated my existence.

Yet, learning that what I felt was shame for even existing didn't take me toward

understanding why I felt that way, nor did it take me toward healing. I guess I

wasn't ready to take the steps needed at that time either, much like yourself.

I was still too enmeshed with my nada and dad at that point to consider making

an emotional break with them.

Thanks you guys for sharing about Bradshaw and his books; I think I could get

more out of them now, myself.

-Annie

>

> Joy, I bought Bradshaw's book a long time ago, at the recommendation

> of a therapist or trusted friend. Twenty years ago? I got so turned

> off by the strident language that I just could not believe Bradshaw.

> My brother had seen his PBS series on the family (?) and raved about

> it. I just could not get why I rejected the book each time I tried to

> read it. And I tried every two or three years!

>

> THEN, I had my ah-ha moment in October 2008, and realized I had a

> nada. I had told myself for years, that my nada helped me do my

> spiritual homework by identifying where I needed to heal. But after

> a few months, I realized that my nada always pointed out my " flaws "

> and it was NOT good. It took a friend of mine to tell me that the

> voice in my head (that I shared with her from time to time) sounded

> just like some of the dialogue I described with my mom. This past

> summer, I finally realized I needed to work on my inner critic so that

> I would stop being attacked by it, feeding into my nada's abuse.

>

> In the fall, the word " shame " came to mind. So, I found Bradshaw's

> Healing the Shame and dusted it off. I found it easier this time to

> get past the parts of his story that did not fit me (he has a way of

> generalizing that I do not like or agree with).... and suddenly it all

> made sense and I realized what a great service he did with his

> thinking and his writing on the topic. Like I said, before that, I

> would just think, WTF? How can he make these generalizations? And his

> stories were weird, distasteful even. I'd read most of them and said,

> " That is not ME! " Now I realize there IS room for my story and his

> generalities are true! I just was ashamed to read about shame!

>

> Joy: As you continue to work with this, will you post here from time

> to time? I know I need to do the solutions part, and your sharing

> will motivate me.

>

> I have had a peaceful month of no contact with my mom. I am feeling

> my wounds healing up and my soul is relaxing. But when I hear her

> voice again, I know I will have another home work assignment again!

>

> I really do think that this book gets to the parts of us that are

> wounded and that get reactivated by a nada or fada, even when we are

> in limited contact with them.

>

January 22, 2010

Hi ,

Sure. I would love to post here from time to time to share about my healing

work.

It also keeps me motivated.

-Joy