Guest guest Posted January 1, 2010 Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 Hi is, If she's angry about being left " alone " with the kids, I would worry she would take it out on them in some way while you are gone. What she's really mad at is probably getting left out of the fun (even if it's not a movie she wants to see). Can you ask your roommate to watch the kids and ask mom to come? It may not set the best precedent for later to give in now, but I just wouldn't leave her in charge of your children when she's angry with you. Even small comments from their grandmother can really, really hurt them. (And I would not be the least surprised if she found an excuse to wake the one who is sleeping). Best of luck, Ashana The INTERNET now has a personality. YOURS! See your Yahoo! Homepage. http://in.yahoo.com/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 1, 2010 Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 Let yourself off the hook, first of all. She is being juvenile, not you. All of your responses are normal for a Non getting caught in a BP trap. This is definitely a lose-lose situation for you all, and it has nothing to do with you. My advice? Choose who loses the least. You can't have a win here other than honoring your needs as best you can. I'm sorry. What a disappointment. It is so frustrating when you FINALLY get a moment with another family member and the BP can't stand it. Lord knows I've been there. ACK!!! Best of wishes-- > > If anyone's around atm, I could really use some last-minute advice. My parents are visiting, and my husband and roommate and I were going to use the time to go see a movie I really wanted to see. My dad had said he wanted to see it with us, and my mom volunteered to watch the kids. > > I just gave everyone a half hour warning to get ready to leave, and suddenly my mom is having a fit about my dad going with us and leaving her " alone " to watch the girls- one of whom is in bed, and my other roommate is also staying behind, so she's not really alone. > > I don't know how to react to this. Should I insist that my dad has a right to come, should I just not say anything and go without him (I was really looking forward to seeing this movie with him, we both love the books), should I not go at all (that seems petty, but honestly it's what I want to do). > > I just don't know which reaction is the right one, and which is juvenile and inappropriate. It's so hard to see past the emotional reaction she produces. Any thoughts? > > -Ally. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 1, 2010 Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 I hope the evening worked out the way you wanted it to Ally. How childish and petty (ie narcissistic) of your nada to pull a stunt like that: begrudging her husband the opportunity to see a movie for a couple of hours with his kids, without her. Good grief. I understand; my nada resented it when my dad was asked to accompany his neighbor friend, a guy, on a business trip once that would include a few days of sightseeing. Instead of being happy for dad, nada seethed about the " unfairness " of that for, like, months and months. I'm glad my dad went anyway; he deserved some time off for good behavior. I agree with Ashana's advice, however; sometimes its better to pick your battles. Only you can decide if giving in to nada's sulky demand and staying home would work out better than holding firm and attending the movie without her, keeping in mind that your children's safety and emotional well-being always come first. Only you can decide if you can trust your nada to babysit your little ones when she's *royally* pissed off at you; it depends on how passive-aggressive, revenge-minded and sneaky your nada is, seems to me. -Annie > > If anyone's around atm, I could really use some last-minute advice. My parents are visiting, and my husband and roommate and I were going to use the time to go see a movie I really wanted to see. My dad had said he wanted to see it with us, and my mom volunteered to watch the kids. > > I just gave everyone a half hour warning to get ready to leave, and suddenly my mom is having a fit about my dad going with us and leaving her " alone " to watch the girls- one of whom is in bed, and my other roommate is also staying behind, so she's not really alone. > > I don't know how to react to this. Should I insist that my dad has a right to come, should I just not say anything and go without him (I was really looking forward to seeing this movie with him, we both love the books), should I not go at all (that seems petty, but honestly it's what I want to do). > > I just don't know which reaction is the right one, and which is juvenile and inappropriate. It's so hard to see past the emotional reaction she produces. Any thoughts? > > -Ally. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 1, 2010 Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 My mother does this childish behavior stuff- and when it is directed at my father it really sets me lose. I now usually just stay out of it. I feel like my dad needs to grow at set and speak up to my mom- but he won't. My advice - is if it really annoying you- speak up- but you may not get the results you are seeking. Malinda > > My mother is in what I call tantrom mode. She is refusing to speak > to me. This time it is because I didn't pay enough attention to > her/them at a Memorial Day barbeque (We had spent the entire morning > before the barbeque at thier house). I started to write a lenghtly > post about what happened but it went on WAY to long. > > Two things are really bugging me. One, I am concerned that after we > left the party my mom started playing the victim to all of her > friends. She does this by sighing and rolling her eyes and trying to > look like a pouty 12 year old (seriously, she even talks in baby talk > sometimes...and she is 78). I really think that many of these people > (I've known them my whole life)buy the " my daughter is so difficult, > poor me " routine. > > The other thing is that we have to see them this weekend at another > party (a surprise birthday party---same group as the Memorial Day > party). With my mother acting like this it can become very > uncomfortable. She will constantly do things to attract my attention > to her and then dramatically clentch her jaw, look away, look like > she is going to cry, roll her eyes or do a combination of all of > these things. By now she has stoked the fires of my fathers knee- > jerk reaction of feeling rejected (not hard to do) so he will be > tense and uncomfortable, teetering on the edge of depression. BTW, > my dad is always uncomfortable in social situations even if he has > known the people for 35 years as was true on Monday and will be true > on Saturday. > > So there I will be on Saturday, many of the people believing that I > am " impossible " and my mother is such a saint to deal with me, trying > to appear relaxed and engaging. Inside I will feel awkward and ugly > (my mother always called my behavior " ugly " when I didn't give her > enough attention or got angry at her). > > I think this all brings back the feeling I had as a kid when people > always told me what wonderful mother I had. If she's womderful I > must really be " ugly " right? No one saw what I was going through. > No one saw what she was doing. > > I have to attend this party. The person who it is for is important > to me. The truth is I'm starting to feel guilty about my feelings of > not wanting to be around my parents and the guilt is starting to feel > very bad. I start to feel very bad about my dad...he becomes > so " wounded " (he was suicidal when I was a kid). > > I thought I was getting stronger but I'm a mess. > > Thanks for reading this. I really appreciate the feedback I get here. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 1, 2010 Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 is First of all, I would never , under any circumstances, let nada babysit kids. In particular if she is acting out, as she is now, I would not permit it. In the situation you describe, I would ask the roomate to babysit, and explain that she is in charge of the home and the kids, if she agrees. If nada protests, I would cut her off and explain that her actions and words make you not trust her to watch the kids right now. If dad chooses to go with you anyway , great. If he chooses to cave in to her, thats his choice and not yours. Sad, but not in your control. If you give in to her, and alter it becaues of her 4 year old behavior, she wins a round of Borderline bs. Primary consideration, kids safe and cared for by someone who won t use them to vent her spleen. Secondary, don t let nada control your life and choices, even it that means a sad choice. Last consideration, trying to have a good time, a normal family time, involving nada. It sadly, so rarely works. Good luck. Doug Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 1, 2010 Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 Oh Doug, I'm new here but I have to say that I agree with just about everything I've seen you say. I would never dream of letting my mom watch my kids. Even IF there was another adult there- she has *no* filter whatsoever and just her very presence (in my opinion) is abusive and confusing to my kids (12, 8 and 2). a is First of all, I would never , under any circumstances, let nada babysit kids. In particular if she is acting out, as she is now, I would not permit it. In the situation you describe, I would ask the roomate to babysit, and explain that she is in charge of the home and the kids, if she agrees. If nada protests, I would cut her off and explain that her actions and words make you not trust her to watch the kids right now. If dad chooses to go with you anyway , great. If he chooses to cave in to her, thats his choice and not yours. Sad, but not in your control. If you give in to her, and alter it becaues of her 4 year old behavior, she wins a round of Borderline bs. Primary consideration, kids safe and cared for by someone who won t use them to vent her spleen. Secondary, don t let nada control your life and choices, even it that means a sad choice. Last consideration, trying to have a good time, a normal family time, involving nada. It sadly, so rarely works. Good luck. Doug Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 2, 2010 Report Share Posted January 2, 2010 Thanks! I ended up taking my father up on his offer to stay home, even though I was mad that he had to. So it worked out, sort of. It was good because hubby and I really needed the time together. But I realized you were right about not leaving her alone with them. She really would have let my older daughter sleep, but my other child is a newborn and I was afraid that her frustration at me would come out if she started crying and couldn't be soothed. -Ally. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Fri, January 1, 2010 6:55:54 PM Subject: Re: Advice? Hi is, If she's angry about being left " alone " with the kids, I would worry she would take it out on them in some way while you are gone. What she's really mad at is probably getting left out of the fun (even if it's not a movie she wants to see). Can you ask your roommate to watch the kids and ask mom to come? It may not set the best precedent for later to give in now, but I just wouldn't leave her in charge of your children when she's angry with you. Even small comments from their grandmother can really, really hurt them. (And I would not be the least surprised if she found an excuse to wake the one who is sleeping). Best of luck, Ashana The INTERNET now has a personality. YOURS! See your Yahoo! Homepage. http://in.yahoo. com/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 2, 2010 Report Share Posted January 2, 2010 Thanks for the advice. I agree, I wasn't willing to leave her alone with the baby at that point. However, generally speaking she is a good babysitter. One of the painful ironies of my life is that she is MUCH better with her grandkids than she was with me and my brother. Also, I had to dismiss the idea of leaving my roommate in change, because he's a guy so she doesn't trust him with my daughters (whole other story). I really appreciate the perspective. I'm disappointed in my father, but I guess it did work out for me and my husband at least. -Ally. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Fri, January 1, 2010 8:59:54 PM Subject: Re: Advice? is First of all, I would never , under any circumstances, let nada babysit kids. In particular if she is acting out, as she is now, I would not permit it. In the situation you describe, I would ask the roomate to babysit, and explain that she is in charge of the home and the kids, if she agrees. If nada protests, I would cut her off and explain that her actions and words make you not trust her to watch the kids right now. If dad chooses to go with you anyway , great. If he chooses to cave in to her, thats his choice and not yours. Sad, but not in your control. If you give in to her, and alter it becaues of her 4 year old behavior, she wins a round of Borderline bs. Primary consideration, kids safe and cared for by someone who won t use them to vent her spleen. Secondary, don t let nada control your life and choices, even it that means a sad choice. Last consideration, trying to have a good time, a normal family time, involving nada. It sadly, so rarely works. Good luck. Doug Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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