Understanding past pain, through therapy.

[Guest guest]

I have had two " down " days this week. (I wonder just how I am going

to get those things done that still lurk ahead. Stop, take a breath.

Know that I am one person and a human being, not a human doing.

Loving me comes first.)

Today was a time of baking Christmas goodies to give away at school

and to police stations and firemen in our community. That was how I

gave, while grieving, meditating and calling on another friend in

town, whose mom is likely BPD, but deaf. It was good to reach out to

this person who is very extraverted but has proven to be a loyal

confidente.

It was also my time with my wise therapist. I am glad the topic of

boundaries with therapists came up today. This might be helpful

perspective for others. My therapist is in my neighborhood. My son

hangs out in her office sometimes. She has good boundaries but she is

also incredibly available. She is a person who is willing and able to

work with her patients to prevent hospitalizations when they

decompensate. She has been a Godsend for me. I can be very high

functioning, but am vulnerable. Now I know why I have a vulnerability.

I suspect I have lived in denial for forever, that my mom truly has

ill intent for me. She loves me, but now I realize the love really

does not count. My counting on a love that was in large part a

delusion, has set me up for fragility!!!

That said, I am glad I am here. Alive. In the world. I would not want

my mom to not have had kids, because I am here. So is my brother and

it is amazing what we have survived and the sense of humor and insight

into human behavior we have. We got good intuition for all sorts of

human foibles, that I don't think we would have. Now wait. There are

parts of my childhood I would not like to repeat. Those bad parts, I

don't think I can be grateful for, without a lot of divine

intervention (LOL). But I can be grateful for transcending the

darkness and having the grace to always find the light, somehow. Today

I have to admit could be still damaged from events I do not remember.

Therapy. I took a few moments to look at things from my mom's

point of view today. Seeking to understand. I may not do such a close

look again soon, because frankly it hurts. And I feel like I need to

heal again after this look back. I think my HP has already given me

an answer today in my therapy appointment, as to " why " my mom did not

sign papers to help me document my financial independence and give her

blessing to my receiving a basic educational grant to go to

college. My therapist said nada projected all of her feelings of

being a loser onto me.

My bro called me back last night to share that he had had his own

college crisis with nada. She laughed uproarously at my brother when

he called while registering for college.... to ask her, " Mom, can you

help me pay my tuition? "

My nada did not get to heal that she had had her own college

disappointment. Perhaps she was punishing my bro for not being

sympathetic (at age 10 or 11) when she was crying after being kicked

out of law school, her dream for forever. My bro was not sympathetic

to her, because by this time, I had left home and HE had become

nada's bozo bop bag.

So my nada may have wanted to " get back " at him when he needed school

support. Nada forgot who was the child and who was the adult.

My brother and I transformed each of our experiences, and went on to

do our best with the hands we were dealt.

My mom is trying to hurt me now because she remains broken in those

same places today that were broken then. She has not transcended or

found understanding. Instead of " know yourself, be honest " , she has

some other mantra she repeats--so that she is busy blaming her past

mistakes on other people's flaws (flaws from my and my bro's growing

up years, when our brains were not fully developed!!?).. that she can

never learn to know and love herself.

It is hard letting God take care of nada. Because I know God cannot

help her until she admits the problem starts with her--not with me and

errors I have made in my past. One good thing is I don't seem to need

to fix the situation by correcting her perception of me.

But alas, her Christmas present to us arrived today. According to her

last call, I am supposed to call her to let her know it gets

here!!! Now I feel so sick to my stomach I have no interest in

talking with her.