Re: Plea from family member

[Guest guest]

Charlie,

I ran across this posting and felt that, for the first time, someone captured

what it is I've been trying to articulate about how my nada has worked my entire

family againts me. With letters, phone calls and face-to-face " pleas " , very

similar to the email this gal sent Connie, I've been pushed around by my

nada via unsuspecting, well-meaning family members who clearly never understood

the severity of my nada's abuse.

But what you said is very important: If my family members have all agreed and

expressed with love and empathy that I am a person of character, good judgement,

intelligent, kindness and compassion then why is it that they don't trust that

what I have chosen (to cut her off) is in direct response to protecting myself

from harm, abuse and pain?!

That's the part that kills me: they say they love me but, really, they don't

trust me. Nada placed enough doubt in their heads to make me out to be the bad

guy. Man, I hate this part.

Anyway, to Connie, here's how I see it: When we cut off our BPDs for the sake of

our own sanity, safety and happiness, we MAY regret it when nada or fada dies.

Our decision will either haunt us post their death or....if we stick around and

keep living with the abuse, we'll be miserable now! We can't win to lose. So, I

decided to postpone the possibility of the pain that may come from regret, and

deal with it when she dies. Right now, I have a life to live, sons to love to

and protect, and a community to serve as a happy and productive member.

> >

> > I received this plea in an email today from a very favorite family member.

This is the portion that mentions nada, Nada visited this family member

recently (I declined) for TWO DAYS and evidently spend most of the time playing

waif and crying on family shoulder.

> >

> > I am not going to respond for several days and I will be neutral, without

heat.

> >

> > Any comments welcome. May we all heal

> >

> > email regarding my relationship with nada

> >

> > I also wanted to talk to you about nada. I know she is a subject that you

would rather avoid, but I am worried about the whole situation and, selfishly, I

want to say something so that I don't blame myself or think that I should have

done something differently looking back on it. I will be the first to admit

that I don't exactly what is going on between the two of you. And I know that

what I do know is mostly from her and is a tiny amount of information that is

from her perspective.

> >

> > That being said, I also work with people who are actively dying week after

week and year after year now for five years and I do know a lot about family

dynamics. I have unfortunately witnessed, on several occasions, family members

who were estranged and made up right before one of them passed away. It is

really heartbreaking to see someone who wants to make up for lost time only to

need more time. So you can see my dilema here. I trust your judgement and know

that you have such a loving spirit- I just don't want you to be hurt if nada

passes away and things went unsaid that you feel should have been. I know that

taking that step will be very difficult for you although I can't imagine how

difficult as I am not you and do not know your internal struggles.

> >

> > I do know that you have overcome so much in your life and I am very proud of

you!! I don't want you to think I am taking sides as I most definitely am not

on anyone's side especially, as stated before, I don't really know the conflict.

I do know, however, from the bottom of my heart, that nada genuinely loves you

and wants you in her life. When she mentions you, her eyes fill up with such

sadness and she told me several times how much she loves you.

> >

> > Anyway, I apologize for stepping into your business. And for being

selfish. I just knew that if I never said anything and nada passed away, I

would feel guilty the rest of my life. Whatever you decide is up to you and I

will love you, be proud of you, and want you as a big part of my life no matter

what. Thank you for reading this, it was probably pretty hard. Just know that

I really love you and wrote this from that place in my heart. I miss you!!

> > Love,

> >

> >

>