Re: BPD Friendship

December 30, 2009

Well, personally from what you've said, I think it might be a mistake for

you to get yourself tangled in another close relationship with her. I know

it can be painful to let go, but it sounds like limited contacted has suited

you better in this situation. You definitely don't want to open doors for

her to be mean to you again.

Sometimes I think as kids of BPD's, we're like magnets for people who have

it. On the other hand, I think we're more sensitive to the symptoms of it

and can definitely pick them out of the crowd with a laser. I try really

hard to avoid bpd relationships but forever find myself into one in some

fashion or another.

I have recently cut off a friendship with someone who has bpd too and it's

very hard. She seemed to get a lot worse as time wore on and has simply

become out of control. Now her 16 year old daughter has it too. You're right,

it is painful to watch.

In a message dated 12/30/2009 4:20:34 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

rememberwhatpeace@... writes:

As a daughter of a BDP mother, I think that I was most comfortable around

people like my mother, even though they treated me terribly. My closest

childhood friend I am starting to think now may be a candidate for BPD. For

about 2 years now I have been severely limiting my contact with my BPD-ish

friend, but since our friend groups overlap, I end up seeing her from time to

time.

It made it a lot easier for me to seperate from her when she moved to the

west coast (I live in the midwest). She has a lot of similar

characteristics to my nada. She is very insecure, manipulative without remorse,

has an

outragous sense of entitlement, rationalizes everything and can never be

wrong. When we were friends she was really possessive of me and used all kinds

of FOG on me for years.

It has been a very painful seperation, but for me very benificial, because

I feel stronger and have begun to develop friendships outside of my BPD

friend and I have been feeling stronger and happier as a person in general,

and attending weekly therapy sessions to help sort everything out (regarding

nada and her).

My BPD friend is back in town for the holidays, and I spent time with her

yesterday. She met up with myself and a few other friends for dinner and to

have a drink afterwards. For the last two years I have almost never called

her and only spent time with her when it was unavoidable. She has made it

very clear that she misses me, blames me for everything that is wrong in

our relationship, and doesn't hear me when I try to talk to her about my

feelings and why I don't want to spend time with her. I felt guilty about

avoiding her so much (we were close friends since 3rd grade until about a year

or two after I graduated from college) and I miss her in a way too- and

since I have been feeling stronger and more centered lately so I thought I

could handle spending time with her.

I am not a total mess, but I do feel really down today. My BDP-ish friend

behaved herself while we were spending time together, and there were plenty

of moments where we actually laughed and had a good time. I am having a

little trouble sorting out my feelings and my therapist is out of town for

another week.

My BPD-ish friend mentioned several times little things about how crazy

she has been acting at home, and how glad she is that her boyfriend

(co-dependant? I feel bad for him actually)puts up with her. She mentioned that

she

has tried to look inward at herself and been so freaked out by what she

finds there that she immediatly finds something else to hold her interest in

the outside world. She also mentioned to me a few times, almost as if she

was questioning me, that she is thinking about staying here for several

months instead of moving back out west after the holidays.

I find myself wanting to reach out to her and help her heal, and to try to

mend our friendship. But I also remember how outright cruel she has been

to me, and how awful it can be to be her friend. I think right now she is so

eager to be my friend again that she is behaving well, and that after a

little while she will be back to her " old tricks " again.

I feel bad for her because I know that she is constantly in a world of

insecurity and pain. She can't hold down a job, moves back in with her parents

whenever she runs out of money. She constently pushes the people she loves

away and then desperatly needs their approval. She continuously makes

terrible decsions for herself, and it is painful to watch. Sometimes she goes

into idealistic rants that don't really make any sense, and it is hard to

keep a straight face.

I am feeling a little nervous about the whole thing. If she stays in town

I can't avoid her, and I am sure she'll start acting like a BPD towards me

pretty soon. Ah! I don't really know what to do.

December 31, 2009

It is commendable that you can see that she is hurting herself, and she is

trying to look inward so it's as if she knows something is up. It is still hard

for me to see the other side of the coin at how my Nada sees things without

becoming resentful. Compassion seems to come in small measurements and with

great expanses of time.

That is very brave of your friend to try to look inward and admit she has

trouble doing so.

I had a BPD friend this past year (she was my roommate). However, I broke it off

as it was draining my mental and emotional resources like a car with an oil

link. I had trouble concentrating at work and made some mistakes that I could

not reverse.

She blamed me for everything including our falling out. I think it is best if

you give your friend advice and support, but if you allow her to stay with you;

her dependence on you may grow (See " I Hate You, Don't Leave Me " ) You may want

to consider the fact that while you can care about her, if you help her in that

way; you may end up hurting yourself.

-JOy

However, it sounds like it mayb

>

> As a daughter of a BDP mother, I think that I was most comfortable around

people like my mother, even though they treated me terribly. My closest

childhood friend I am starting to think now may be a candidate for BPD. For

about 2 years now I have been severely limiting my contact with my BPD-ish

friend, but since our friend groups overlap, I end up seeing her from time to

time.

>

> It made it a lot easier for me to seperate from her when she moved to the west

coast (I live in the midwest). She has a lot of similar characteristics to my

nada. She is very insecure, manipulative without remorse, has an outragous

sense of entitlement, rationalizes everything and can never be wrong. When we

were friends she was really possessive of me and used all kinds of FOG on me for

years.

>

> It has been a very painful seperation, but for me very benificial, because I

feel stronger and have begun to develop friendships outside of my BPD friend and

I have been feeling stronger and happier as a person in general, and attending

weekly therapy sessions to help sort everything out (regarding nada and her).

>

> My BPD friend is back in town for the holidays, and I spent time with her

yesterday. She met up with myself and a few other friends for dinner and to

have a drink afterwards. For the last two years I have almost never called her

and only spent time with her when it was unavoidable. She has made it very

clear that she misses me, blames me for everything that is wrong in our

relationship, and doesn't hear me when I try to talk to her about my feelings

and why I don't want to spend time with her. I felt guilty about avoiding her

so much (we were close friends since 3rd grade until about a year or two after I

graduated from college) and I miss her in a way too- and since I have been

feeling stronger and more centered lately so I thought I could handle spending

time with her.

>

> I am not a total mess, but I do feel really down today. My BDP-ish friend

behaved herself while we were spending time together, and there were plenty of

moments where we actually laughed and had a good time. I am having a little

trouble sorting out my feelings and my therapist is out of town for another

week.

>

> My BPD-ish friend mentioned several times little things about how crazy she

has been acting at home, and how glad she is that her boyfriend (co-dependant? I

feel bad for him actually)puts up with her. She mentioned that she has tried to

look inward at herself and been so freaked out by what she finds there that she

immediatly finds something else to hold her interest in the outside world. She

also mentioned to me a few times, almost as if she was questioning me, that she

is thinking about staying here for several months instead of moving back out

west after the holidays.

>

> I find myself wanting to reach out to her and help her heal, and to try to

mend our friendship. But I also remember how outright cruel she has been to me,

and how awful it can be to be her friend. I think right now she is so eager to

be my friend again that she is behaving well, and that after a little while she

will be back to her " old tricks " again.

>

> I feel bad for her because I know that she is constantly in a world of

insecurity and pain. She can't hold down a job, moves back in with her parents

whenever she runs out of money. She constently pushes the people she loves away

and then desperatly needs their approval. She continuously makes terrible

decsions for herself, and it is painful to watch. Sometimes she goes into

idealistic rants that don't really make any sense, and it is hard to keep a

straight face.

>

> I am feeling a little nervous about the whole thing. If she stays in town I

can't avoid her, and I am sure she'll start acting like a BPD towards me pretty

soon. Ah! I don't really know what to do.

>

January 25, 2010

It seems you described every single BP trait in this friend. Which means . .

..well, I'm not sure how to get around it. She is most likely BP.

This passage really helped me--it was from Breaking Free from Boomerang Love by

Lynn Melville, where she talks about addictive relationships. She talks about

how our coping was tied to our survival, and how we are addicted to certain

behaviors in the face of certain BP traits. (HUGELY wonderful book!)

" So, I can stay in control of myself and not self-sabotage under routine

circumstances. But put me anywhere near someone who MIGHT blow up in anger or

rage [insert nada's abuse of choice here] and I freeze like the proverbial

oppossum caught on the back yard fence in the porce light. Help!! How do I

disappear myself? I can no more draw a line in the sand than fly to the moon.

I *must* placate and people-please. I *must* calm the angry beast-person - so

the fear pounding in my chest will go away.

This is where the *addicted* relationship fits for me. I *have* to do the

behavior. I have no choice. The fear in me demands it.

The answer is the same as for any addiction--stay away from the addictive

substance. "

Once I saw how BPs brought up my " addicted " behaviors, I realized I could no

longer be friends with any BP person. I can be friends with all kinds of

" crazy " but, if I am to remain stable and focused, I simply can't be around BP

people. Period. There are just too many triggers and it weakens me too much.

I just can't go there, even with acquaintances. (I've actually identified a BP

person at church, and have to avoid her to the point of being rude).

No matter what your decision, I wish you well. Only you can know what is best

for you. Make sure, though, there is something worthwhile in it for you. You

are worth all the best!!