PO'ed at FOO and my past 'caretaking role'

[Guest guest]

I keep realizing just how dysfunctional my FOO is, and how it has affected me. I

feel angry right now, because I didn't realize at the time what was going on (so

in a sense I am angry at myself).

I am also angry because I realized one of the reasons my younger sister had her

education paid for by my grandparents, but my grandparents told me on my

birthday that they would not pay for my college because they couldn't afford to

pay for all my sisters' college tuitions.

I guess it makes sense, but they have also paid for my youngest sister's singing

lessons, piano lessons, and my mother pays for all my youngest sister's expense

including her gas and car insurance. She also paid for a nice vacation for her

to enjoy last summer. By herself. I was very surprised. Was this my family?

My grandma also bought her a laptop for school.

I, on the other had, got most of my Nada's abuse while my youngest sister was

allowed to say whatever she liked most of the time to my mother and my

grandmother. It was forbidden for me.

I paid for all of my college (as did my other sister, so I'm not the only one

who is a non-golden child), my car insurance & my car, my own computer and my

laptop which I got a few years later. When I moved out, I wanted to take the

computer but my Nada was furious and said everyone uses it so I couldn't take

it. At the time, I was still enmeshed and too afraid to say anything so I left

it.

---

Looking back, I can see clear signs that I was indeed the caretaker of the

family. I don't know why or how this happened.

Someone told me it happens sometimes if one child is particularly ambitious,

responsible, and hard-working; and the parent will use this drive to their

advantage. Or, they may find that none of the other children are capable. Or, it

could be that since I was the oldest by 2 years than my next sister that I was a

natural candidate because the age made the difference. Don't really know.

I am a very driven person, though.

Lots of things are strange when I look back in a new light. Lots of things that

I took to be normal just make no sense. Like, I wanted to do something in the

sciences, and for whatever reason my grandfather (I lived with my grandparents &

Nada for awhile) said there was too much math. I was only 12 at the time, so

what this comment meant I've no idea but it burst my bubble. It was like he was

implying I wasn't capable.

Everyone knew I was good at art, but I noticed that my mother said I had no

other interests when my art teacher asked her if there were other things that

captivated me. He asked because he said it was a hard field and it is not for

everyone. He said if I liked something else just as much, I should go into that.

My Nada said, " no, she has no other interests " . I was 15 or 16 at the time and

remember feeling irritated. She knew very well I wanted to also do something in

the sciences.

HOwever, I decided to pursue the arts. When I was in college, my classes proved

that not everyone makes it and only a percentage of people in the classes go on

to animate or illustrate. At this point I became anxious because by now I wanted

to get out of my Nada's house. It was like a hell hole with yelling and

screaming from Nada every night. It was horrible.

I remember my Nada saying one day while we were in the grocery that I was

welcome to live with her until I was 30. I dont' know how the conversation came

up, but she knew I was anxious about getting a job out of college in the arts.

She seemed perfectly content with this which confused me because all the other

times she seemed so angry (I didn't know what BPD was at the time--I thought I

just didn't get along with my Mom)

When she said this, I was petrified. There was no way I was going to live with

her til I was 30! I didn't have the stamina to endure her moods which were

getting increasingly more volatile as the years were going by. My college years

were the worst and I had trouble concentrating in class and I am PISSED now

because I feel I would have had a much better portfolio without the yelling and

screaming which shattered my concentration. To compensate, I worked really hard

but ended up always taking too many classes. Soon, my Nada was a raging bulldog

whenever she saw me spouting that I was selfish and only cared about myself and

not my family and I conveniently decided to take too many classes as a excuse to

not clean the house or see my sisters.

This of course was not true and I still cleaned the house. However, if my nada

found one dirty dish on the counter or found clutter on a table she would go

into a tirade saying nobody lifted a finger accept her (which was not true). My

sisters and i were the only ones who cleaned, and I did the most. I soon

realized I could not please my Nada. Before, I had tried so hard but it was at

this point that I realized that I just wanted to stay the HELL away from her

because nothing she said made since. I think I had this realization around 23. I

moved out when I was around 25(2007) and was relieved. I still didn't know about

BPD until the beginning of this year and it was like someone showed me a slide

show of a bunch of past memories and a bunch of them that were scattered came

into place and I felt i was going into shock...physically. It made so much sense

and initially even though it felt like a rude awakening, I have gained a lot of

insight into myself and my FOO.

I think now that the reason she wanted me to go into the ARTS and my whole FOO

wanted me too for that matter was because they might have thought that it would

take longer to get a stable job and I would therefore have been more available

to care take my mom and attend (aka be her punching bag) for her moods. I don't

know for sure, but I recall my grandmother being greatly concerned when I moved

out. She said, " are you sure you don't want to stay here and save up money? "

I said, " no, because my work is too far " . Which was true. The company that hired

me was 50 miles away.

I think back on the progress i've made, and it's a lot. In a sense, I've done it

on my own. Although my grandparents helped because they don't have BPD, they

were not the most supportive. My grandfather was more supportive although he was

not very good at expressing his feelings towards others and he often seemed

distant. My grandmother was much like my mother. I don't think she has BPD, but

I think she has a PD of some sort and a PH.D. in FOG.

So, I'd say for not having a supportive FOO I've done VERY well...heck, all of

us have done VERY well for lack of strong parental figures. Hence we must now

reparent ourselves.

Still, I become angry and think where I could be right now had it not been for

all the horrible FOO drama growing up and the very difficult college period.

I think that being angry like this is logically not going to do me any good

though. I only work in retail to pay my rent right now. I am still pursuing the

arts because after much contemplation, that is what I want to do. I would like

to do something more mathematical based also. Perhaps architecture would have

been a good fit for me, or production design. I'll find out. Sometimes, when I'm

feeling lazy, I think of my FOO, and it lights a fire under my bum and I want to

work twice as hard and accomplish something...anything so I can give my

estranged FOO the bird even though they wouldn't see it. As if to say, " ha! " you

think I couldn't get out? You think you chose a role that fit me? think again. "

I don't know if this is good or bad or *normal*. I certainly don't want to

invite bad karma into my life. but it definitely helps me get things done when I

feel unmotivated or slovenly. Healing is difficult and tiring sometimes, so I

think it is natural to feel this way since I've been through so much this year.

It feels ~flippin~ good when I get to give the " HA! " at the end. I am not sure

whether this is a victim mentality or not.

I think as long as I don't dwell on what I don't have and continue with an

attitude of gratitude as best I can despite my anger, I will be much better off.