Guest guest Posted January 12, 2010 Report Share Posted January 12, 2010 Hi Annie, Yes, I also agree with the philosophy of " fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me " philosophy applying to adults. A child does not have the emotional maturity or abstract thinking capacity to process and glean knowledge from the abuse. Thus, this is where damage sets in. I see in myself the deep issues and set backs it has given me in life as well. However, looking at these issues from a philosophical standpoint now as an adult helps me to let go of some anger that was keeping me from enjoying my life as much as I would like. It took a long, long time to get here and I still have some resentments, issues, and triggers. Joy > > > > Hi , > > > > I loved reading your post--thanks for writing it. I was listening to a Cd on codependency, and the author was talking about teaching everything and everybody (including hurtful situations/people and even abuse) as a teacher. If we live moment to moment (and then she did a school ring tone as an effect), and said " wow, what is it that we are about to learn next, in this moment in this hour? " > > > > She was inspired to speak about this piece and about elevating ourselves above a victim stance. I think this helps me. > > In reality, we are victims of victims of victims. > > > > I'm not saying that anyone should feel ashamed of grieving or talking about their past or anything like that or having strong emotions because of circumstances. I think it is just a different way of looking at things and it helps me not to want to " control " and worry about everything in my life at present. It also helps me connect with people more. > > > > -Joy > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 Hi , siberians and malamutes have very high prey drives..I had 4 sibes and 3 mals...put a CDX on one sibe a CD with 1 CDX leg on another sibe and put rally titles on 2 malamutes...I get my collie pup tomorrow !! maybe after things settle down a bit more, you could call and ask Sharon if she'd let you have _____ as a rememberance of your father... Jackie Hi Jackie We had a husky at one time but we couldn't train her and she would go after our neighbor's chickens. So we ended up giving her to someone who could deal with that breed. They are beautiful. Collies are so wonderful and definitely a companion type dog. Plus they like to do things and are easy to train. Sharon...I think she feels guilty about the affair because of her being catholic. And if her one daughter is my dad's too...then that would be a whole other can o' worms (that is just speculation on my part; I have no evidence except wondering if there was a resemblence). I have no idea why she is acting the way she is...I feel it is really a terrible thing; especially if she loved my dad. But people act in bad ways...It teaches me not to act badly... ~patricia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 , in grieving, we go from one phase to another, but we sometimes can go back and forth, like you're experiencing...there is not set way everyone grieves... Jackie Hi ~ I think you are right...it is the acceptance phase of grief that I am talking about. Your statement about idealism in tandem with realism is eloquent. I will have to remember that because I am hoping to get back to that place. I just *might* be out of the super negative cynical phase I was in, but I'm not saying so for sure just yet. Sometimes I will be in a good upbeat mood early in the day and then by the end of the day I am in tears. I go back and forth with it all (and I know it is part of my grief over my sister, plus my man moving so far away). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 , I'm sorry you are going through this. Having difficulties like this at work really can make life awful !! Jackie I feel dismayed,for example,by the hierarchies I see forming at work,all this (to me) needless power posturing that reminds me of chimps to be honest...I can't change it; I can't really lead by example,it's bigger than me...other peoples' unconscious motivations...I had to attend an HR training seminar last week so I can sit in soon on interviewing panels at work.The kinds of questions to ask,how to evaluate responses...basically,it seemed to me,various tricks to use on interviewees if you don't have good intuition....and as far as I could see,the kinds of people who could ace these kinds of throwing questions at you interviews are the ones most practiced at bullshitting,like we're supposed to be screening out the ones who wouldn't be " loyal " to the corporation;the ones who can't hold their own under pressure blah blah blah when what we're actually doing (I thought) if we interview like this is to narrow the selections down to the corporate sociopaths...I felt so dismayed and disgusted afterward that I got a bad cold...and oh,the woman who was conducting the seminar seemed to think she was really clever and she was this swaggering " alpha " type...like a narcissist teaching us how to screen in sociopaths,too much...it's no wonder corporate greed has reached epic proportions these days,if this is how we hire: to give precedence to the most glib bullshitters... But while I nursed my cold I thought of how this is just the way that it is...stupid,yes...unfair,yes...mediocrity rules in so many ways...but I can either rail against it which would be futile or choose to remove myself from it...there are people out there who have also been injured by the unfairness of life--not the ones doing the steamrolling for their own selfish advantage--and I could work with them instead,to be a healer as much as possible--to deal with life not being fair in a positive way... It sounds like we're in the same boat on a symbolic level: we both need to attend to that vital spark that remains,to find a new place in the sun. And I think that we can.Reality can be a downer but it can also reveal our own power to face the world on our own terms,with integrity--our own integrity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 Joy, I thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I would like the name of the author of the CD on codependency, I feel I would benefit from this author. May we all heal > > Hi , > > I loved reading your post--thanks for writing it. I was listening to a Cd on codependency, and the author was talking about teaching everything and everybody (including hurtful situations/people and even abuse) as a teacher. If we live moment to moment (and then she did a school ring tone as an effect), and said " wow, what is it that we are about to learn next, in this moment in this hour? " > > She was inspired to speak about this piece and about elevating ourselves above a victim stance. I think this helps me. > In reality, we are victims of victims of victims. > > I'm not saying that anyone should feel ashamed of grieving or talking about their past or anything like that or having strong emotions because of circumstances. I think it is just a different way of looking at things and it helps me not to want to " control " and worry about everything in my life at present. It also helps me connect with people more. > > -Joy > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 Annie, this is so beautifully written. Thank you, may we all heal > > > > Hi , > > > > I loved reading your post--thanks for writing it. I was listening to a Cd on codependency, and the author was talking about teaching everything and everybody (including hurtful situations/people and even abuse) as a teacher. If we live moment to moment (and then she did a school ring tone as an effect), and said " wow, what is it that we are about to learn next, in this moment in this hour? " > > > > She was inspired to speak about this piece and about elevating ourselves above a victim stance. I think this helps me. > > In reality, we are victims of victims of victims. > > > > I'm not saying that anyone should feel ashamed of grieving or talking about their past or anything like that or having strong emotions because of circumstances. I think it is just a different way of looking at things and it helps me not to want to " control " and worry about everything in my life at present. It also helps me connect with people more. > > > > -Joy > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 Sure, Connie. It is: " The New Codependency " which I bought as an audio CD. I am not sure if it is available as book, but probably. The author is: Medody Beattie. She is the author of " Codependent No More " , and she herself has recovered from codependency. Codependency doesn't have to be based on a person, it could be work (workaholic) for example, or another sort of qualifier. -Joy > > > > Hi , > > > > I loved reading your post--thanks for writing it. I was listening to a Cd on codependency, and the author was talking about teaching everything and everybody (including hurtful situations/people and even abuse) as a teacher. If we live moment to moment (and then she did a school ring tone as an effect), and said " wow, what is it that we are about to learn next, in this moment in this hour? " > > > > She was inspired to speak about this piece and about elevating ourselves above a victim stance. I think this helps me. > > In reality, we are victims of victims of victims. > > > > I'm not saying that anyone should feel ashamed of grieving or talking about their past or anything like that or having strong emotions because of circumstances. I think it is just a different way of looking at things and it helps me not to want to " control " and worry about everything in my life at present. It also helps me connect with people more. > > > > -Joy > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 Thank you, I really like this author. I have not read this book, nor heard the CD May we all heal > > > > > > Hi , > > > > > > I loved reading your post--thanks for writing it. I was listening to a Cd on codependency, and the author was talking about teaching everything and everybody (including hurtful situations/people and even abuse) as a teacher. If we live moment to moment (and then she did a school ring tone as an effect), and said " wow, what is it that we are about to learn next, in this moment in this hour? " > > > > > > She was inspired to speak about this piece and about elevating ourselves above a victim stance. I think this helps me. > > > In reality, we are victims of victims of victims. > > > > > > I'm not saying that anyone should feel ashamed of grieving or talking about their past or anything like that or having strong emotions because of circumstances. I think it is just a different way of looking at things and it helps me not to want to " control " and worry about everything in my life at present. It also helps me connect with people more. > > > > > > -Joy > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 Thank you,Jackie...I think this is more of an existential malaise thing than anything else--I mean I was at the seminar in the first place because my boss really likes me,but I don't want to have to play this game anymore.I'm working on that,changing careers. Congratulations to you on your new fur kid! You must be so excited.Puppies are such a sweet joy and Collies are a magnificent breed.That's great news and I'm happy for you > > , I'm sorry you are going through this. Having difficulties like > this at work really can make life awful !! > > Jackie > > > > I feel dismayed,for example,by the hierarchies I see forming at > work,all this (to me) needless power posturing that reminds me of chimps to > be honest...I can't change it; I can't really lead by example,it's bigger > than me...other peoples' unconscious motivations...I had to attend an HR > training seminar last week so I can sit in soon on interviewing panels at > work.The kinds of questions to ask,how to evaluate responses...basically,it > seemed to me,various tricks to use on interviewees if you don't have good > intuition....and as far as I could see,the kinds of people who could ace > these kinds of throwing questions at you interviews are the ones most > practiced at bullshitting,like we're supposed to be screening out the ones > who wouldn't be " loyal " to the corporation;the ones who can't hold their own > under pressure blah blah blah when what we're actually doing (I thought) if > we interview like this is to narrow the selections down to the corporate > sociopaths...I felt so dismayed and disgusted afterward that I got a bad > cold...and oh,the woman who was conducting the seminar seemed to think she > was really clever and she was this swaggering " alpha " type...like a > narcissist teaching us how to screen in sociopaths,too much...it's no wonder > corporate greed has reached epic proportions these days,if this is how we > hire: to give precedence to the most glib bullshitters... > > But while I nursed my cold I thought of how this is just the way that > it is...stupid,yes...unfair,yes...mediocrity rules in so many ways...but I > can either rail against it which would be futile or choose to remove myself > from it...there are people out there who have also been injured by the > unfairness of life--not the ones doing the steamrolling for their own > selfish advantage--and I could work with them instead,to be a healer as much > as possible--to deal with life not being fair in a positive way... > > It sounds like we're in the same boat on a symbolic level: we both > need to attend to that vital spark that remains,to find a new place in the > sun. > > And I think that we can.Reality can be a downer but it can also > reveal our own power to face the world on our own terms,with integrity--our > own integrity. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 Joy,that sounds like part of the way of the Bodhisattva,gratitude for experience as a learning moment,opening perception to what is,loving even those who present as your " enemy " because they are there to teach you good lessons. And what you say is very true: we are often the victims of victims of victims.And in its own way seeing that helps us to step back from our own victim stance and to have compassion both for ourselves and others. > > > > > > Good morning all~ > > > > > > Reading the different emails this morning brought to my mind a few things. The one about childhood trauma being under recognized in the medical field. This seems counter-intuitive to me, but then again sometimes scientists can be so ignorant about things beyond their range of study. Thank goodness for those who pioneered the work in studying childhood trauma. But it made me think about my own self; it has been hard for me to connect with the damage that was done to me from various sources. I have tried in therapy, but curiously no therapist would really 'go there' with me, because of course I was resistant, the shame being the hardest thing to overcome. > > > > > > And now when I think of those things, I just don't feel like I want to get wrapped up in the sadness and helplessness I felt; the vulnerability. And that is because my current life situation is just too hard, too close to the 'going down the tubes' feeling. So I struggle to move forward and can't afford to feel anything but what is going on now. That being said, I have tried to find a therapist but under my insurance, they are either a distance away or not taking new clients. One was a psy d (which I wanted this time around) and she had a social worker call me back. I felt put off and did not want to see a social worker (no offense to them; but I sort of wanted to try a new approach: analysis, strengths and weaknesses, tools to overcome resistance; rather than: oh, that sounds terrible, me: cry cry, feel ashamed. They did what? and: here's your homework, and so on). > > > > > > So this is where the comment: Life is not fair comes in. I have been really tortured the past couple years about how this world is. Not for me, but for all the destitute and victimized. It makes it hard for me to really feel that my troubles matter, but it also makes me feel hopeless. My: life is not fair realization has made me feel a bit despairing. But bits of freedom are starting to peek in. Because I feel that if life is not fair, then if I have the power in myself to do better for myself, it is up to me to get somewhere. I don't have to life poorly because of the despair in the world. > > > > > > The part about Nada's treating children differently...Well I have always seen this in my family. And what I can see now (especially with my sister gone) how this set us up for rivalries and disconnectedness. While my mother always lamented: why can't you all love each other? When she was the one who set us apart from each other. She was the one who would let my brother bully me because she did not want to intervene (don't fight...I can't take it...I am a mental cripple). > > > I realize how this set us up (at least I know my sister and I had this issue) against the issue of " fairness " . Not just between us, but with the world! My sister really struggled with this. Whereas I felt as I got older it was immature to think that way, inside, I still sure did. My mother acts the 'waif' but I noticed long ago what power she wielded with that behavior. > > > In her 'weak' acting, she got all of us attached to her in various ways. My brother is so sucked in he gets outraged at anyone who causes her discomfort or trouble. Her perceptions. > > > > > > I was raised in what you might call a semi upper middle class white family in America. My dad was a lawyer, my mom was a stay at home mom. She did not really take care of us past the age of 12 ( she made dinners), and emotionally neither ever took care of us. We had a decent lifestyle. So who can complain, right? People don't see behind the facade. People don't see the learned helplessness, the struggle to overcome tremendous shame, the deep deep scars and open wounds from multiple suicide attempts and father's emotional detachment. We seem like a normal family on the outside. But..... as time went on, people could see the bad things. Only I think they don't get where it came from. > > > > > > I am hoping that understanding Life Is Not Fair really does set me free. I hope that losing my expectations and idealizations will help me to be free. And that I can live my life better with heart break and not let it pull me under. > > > ~patricia > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 I'm glad something I said was helpful to you,.I can relate to not feeling fulfilled by being " a speck of goodwill " ...in a sea of,well,lots of " what's in it for me-ness " ..for after all,goodwill is free... I don't know what you could do with a Master's in Public Health,either.I can understand wanting to contribute to making a difference.Why a Master's in Public Health? Just curious. I know that no matter what job I have I'm still going to have to deal with some species of office politics but the way I see it right now is that what I'm doing at present is basically only working to enable corporate greed which amounts to exploiting someone somewhere--and even if there is no such thing as a dream job where everybody gets along for the sake of the greater good at least I can do something that *does* help someone as part of my work,with that being the point and why I even go to work at all.That's why something like Occupational Therapy is attracting me right now--that I could actually help someone who is in need of my expertise rather than have my expertise used to benefit the cold capitalist machine.Oops... You're so right about that strategy to win--and win at what? At " playing the game " ? To what purpose,to best the es? There has got to be more to life than spinning pointlessly in the orbit of your own ego; some more spiritually meaningful way to pay the bills. I often feel like my grief encompasses not just my own subjective situation but also the many injustices in society.And I guess that I can either feel beaten down by that or to try to join my energies to being a part of the solution,no matter how small my contribution. > > > > Good morning all~ > > > > Reading the different emails this morning brought to my mind a few things. The one about childhood trauma being under recognized in the medical field. This seems counter-intuitive to me, but then again sometimes scientists can be so ignorant about things beyond their range of study. Thank goodness for those who pioneered the work in studying childhood trauma. But it made me think about my own self; it has been hard for me to connect with the damage that was done to me from various sources. I have tried in therapy, but curiously no therapist would really 'go there' with me, because of course I was resistant, the shame being the hardest thing to overcome. > > > > And now when I think of those things, I just don't feel like I want to get wrapped up in the sadness and helplessness I felt; the vulnerability. And that is because my current life situation is just too hard, too close to the 'going down the tubes' feeling. So I struggle to move forward and can't afford to feel anything but what is going on now. That being said, I have tried to find a therapist but under my insurance, they are either a distance away or not taking new clients. One was a psy d (which I wanted this time around) and she had a social worker call me back. I felt put off and did not want to see a social worker (no offense to them; but I sort of wanted to try a new approach: analysis, strengths and weaknesses, tools to overcome resistance; rather than: oh, that sounds terrible, me: cry cry, feel ashamed. They did what? and: here's your homework, and so on). > > > > So this is where the comment: Life is not fair comes in. I have been really tortured the past couple years about how this world is. Not for me, but for all the destitute and victimized. It makes it hard for me to really feel that my troubles matter, but it also makes me feel hopeless. My: life is not fair realization has made me feel a bit despairing. But bits of freedom are starting to peek in. Because I feel that if life is not fair, then if I have the power in myself to do better for myself, it is up to me to get somewhere. I don't have to life poorly because of the despair in the world. > > > > The part about Nada's treating children differently...Well I have always seen this in my family. And what I can see now (especially with my sister gone) how this set us up for rivalries and disconnectedness. While my mother always lamented: why can't you all love each other? When she was the one who set us apart from each other. She was the one who would let my brother bully me because she did not want to intervene (don't fight...I can't take it...I am a mental cripple). > > I realize how this set us up (at least I know my sister and I had this issue) against the issue of " fairness " . Not just between us, but with the world! My sister really struggled with this. Whereas I felt as I got older it was immature to think that way, inside, I still sure did. My mother acts the 'waif' but I noticed long ago what power she wielded with that behavior. > > In her 'weak' acting, she got all of us attached to her in various ways. My brother is so sucked in he gets outraged at anyone who causes her discomfort or trouble. Her perceptions. > > > > I was raised in what you might call a semi upper middle class white family in America. My dad was a lawyer, my mom was a stay at home mom. She did not really take care of us past the age of 12 ( she made dinners), and emotionally neither ever took care of us. We had a decent lifestyle. So who can complain, right? People don't see behind the facade. People don't see the learned helplessness, the struggle to overcome tremendous shame, the deep deep scars and open wounds from multiple suicide attempts and father's emotional detachment. We seem like a normal family on the outside. But..... as time went on, people could see the bad things. Only I think they don't get where it came from. > > > > I am hoping that understanding Life Is Not Fair really does set me free. I hope that losing my expectations and idealizations will help me to be free. And that I can live my life better with heart break and not let it pull me under. > > ~patricia > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2010 Report Share Posted January 14, 2010 , you might really enjoy Bruce Levine's books and essays - he is a renegade psychologist who believes our disconnected selfish culture is a big part of what is driving mental illness in the US. He also has a few choice things to say about the pharmaceutical industry. > > > > > > Good morning all~ > > > > > > Reading the different emails this morning brought to my mind a few things. The one about childhood trauma being under recognized in the medical field. This seems counter-intuitive to me, but then again sometimes scientists can be so ignorant about things beyond their range of study. Thank goodness for those who pioneered the work in studying childhood trauma. But it made me think about my own self; it has been hard for me to connect with the damage that was done to me from various sources. I have tried in therapy, but curiously no therapist would really 'go there' with me, because of course I was resistant, the shame being the hardest thing to overcome. > > > > > > And now when I think of those things, I just don't feel like I want to get wrapped up in the sadness and helplessness I felt; the vulnerability. And that is because my current life situation is just too hard, too close to the 'going down the tubes' feeling. So I struggle to move forward and can't afford to feel anything but what is going on now. That being said, I have tried to find a therapist but under my insurance, they are either a distance away or not taking new clients. One was a psy d (which I wanted this time around) and she had a social worker call me back. I felt put off and did not want to see a social worker (no offense to them; but I sort of wanted to try a new approach: analysis, strengths and weaknesses, tools to overcome resistance; rather than: oh, that sounds terrible, me: cry cry, feel ashamed. They did what? and: here's your homework, and so on). > > > > > > So this is where the comment: Life is not fair comes in. I have been really tortured the past couple years about how this world is. Not for me, but for all the destitute and victimized. It makes it hard for me to really feel that my troubles matter, but it also makes me feel hopeless. My: life is not fair realization has made me feel a bit despairing. But bits of freedom are starting to peek in. Because I feel that if life is not fair, then if I have the power in myself to do better for myself, it is up to me to get somewhere. I don't have to life poorly because of the despair in the world. > > > > > > The part about Nada's treating children differently...Well I have always seen this in my family. And what I can see now (especially with my sister gone) how this set us up for rivalries and disconnectedness. While my mother always lamented: why can't you all love each other? When she was the one who set us apart from each other. She was the one who would let my brother bully me because she did not want to intervene (don't fight...I can't take it...I am a mental cripple). > > > I realize how this set us up (at least I know my sister and I had this issue) against the issue of " fairness " . Not just between us, but with the world! My sister really struggled with this. Whereas I felt as I got older it was immature to think that way, inside, I still sure did. My mother acts the 'waif' but I noticed long ago what power she wielded with that behavior. > > > In her 'weak' acting, she got all of us attached to her in various ways. My brother is so sucked in he gets outraged at anyone who causes her discomfort or trouble. Her perceptions. > > > > > > I was raised in what you might call a semi upper middle class white family in America. My dad was a lawyer, my mom was a stay at home mom. She did not really take care of us past the age of 12 ( she made dinners), and emotionally neither ever took care of us. We had a decent lifestyle. So who can complain, right? People don't see behind the facade. People don't see the learned helplessness, the struggle to overcome tremendous shame, the deep deep scars and open wounds from multiple suicide attempts and father's emotional detachment. We seem like a normal family on the outside. But..... as time went on, people could see the bad things. Only I think they don't get where it came from. > > > > > > I am hoping that understanding Life Is Not Fair really does set me free. I hope that losing my expectations and idealizations will help me to be free. And that I can live my life better with heart break and not let it pull me under. > > > ~patricia > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2010 Report Share Posted January 14, 2010 Thanks,.I'll check him out.It sounds like he has some ideas I could relate to at the moment... > > > > > > > > Good morning all~ > > > > > > > > Reading the different emails this morning brought to my mind a few things. The one about childhood trauma being under recognized in the medical field. This seems counter-intuitive to me, but then again sometimes scientists can be so ignorant about things beyond their range of study. Thank goodness for those who pioneered the work in studying childhood trauma. But it made me think about my own self; it has been hard for me to connect with the damage that was done to me from various sources. I have tried in therapy, but curiously no therapist would really 'go there' with me, because of course I was resistant, the shame being the hardest thing to overcome. > > > > > > > > And now when I think of those things, I just don't feel like I want to get wrapped up in the sadness and helplessness I felt; the vulnerability. And that is because my current life situation is just too hard, too close to the 'going down the tubes' feeling. So I struggle to move forward and can't afford to feel anything but what is going on now. That being said, I have tried to find a therapist but under my insurance, they are either a distance away or not taking new clients. One was a psy d (which I wanted this time around) and she had a social worker call me back. I felt put off and did not want to see a social worker (no offense to them; but I sort of wanted to try a new approach: analysis, strengths and weaknesses, tools to overcome resistance; rather than: oh, that sounds terrible, me: cry cry, feel ashamed. They did what? and: here's your homework, and so on). > > > > > > > > So this is where the comment: Life is not fair comes in. I have been really tortured the past couple years about how this world is. Not for me, but for all the destitute and victimized. It makes it hard for me to really feel that my troubles matter, but it also makes me feel hopeless. My: life is not fair realization has made me feel a bit despairing. But bits of freedom are starting to peek in. Because I feel that if life is not fair, then if I have the power in myself to do better for myself, it is up to me to get somewhere. I don't have to life poorly because of the despair in the world. > > > > > > > > The part about Nada's treating children differently...Well I have always seen this in my family. And what I can see now (especially with my sister gone) how this set us up for rivalries and disconnectedness. While my mother always lamented: why can't you all love each other? When she was the one who set us apart from each other. She was the one who would let my brother bully me because she did not want to intervene (don't fight...I can't take it...I am a mental cripple). > > > > I realize how this set us up (at least I know my sister and I had this issue) against the issue of " fairness " . Not just between us, but with the world! My sister really struggled with this. Whereas I felt as I got older it was immature to think that way, inside, I still sure did. My mother acts the 'waif' but I noticed long ago what power she wielded with that behavior. > > > > In her 'weak' acting, she got all of us attached to her in various ways. My brother is so sucked in he gets outraged at anyone who causes her discomfort or trouble. Her perceptions. > > > > > > > > I was raised in what you might call a semi upper middle class white family in America. My dad was a lawyer, my mom was a stay at home mom. She did not really take care of us past the age of 12 ( she made dinners), and emotionally neither ever took care of us. We had a decent lifestyle. So who can complain, right? People don't see behind the facade. People don't see the learned helplessness, the struggle to overcome tremendous shame, the deep deep scars and open wounds from multiple suicide attempts and father's emotional detachment. We seem like a normal family on the outside. But..... as time went on, people could see the bad things. Only I think they don't get where it came from. > > > > > > > > I am hoping that understanding Life Is Not Fair really does set me free. I hope that losing my expectations and idealizations will help me to be free. And that I can live my life better with heart break and not let it pull me under. > > > > ~patricia > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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