Guest guest Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 my nada would pull something like this..show up with a friend because she'd think I would not be " rude " to her in front of someone else...good for you for standing your ground !! Jackie I need to vent... ....I'm working this weekend, two twelve-hour shifts. My husband is alone with our three kids. We haven't had contact with nada for just over two years. Yesterday, nada shows up on the doorstep while I'm at work. Hubby spies her, shuttles the kids into the basement and doesn't answer the doorbell. He shortly thereafter calls me to tell me so. Later that day, I get a page to an unfamiliar number. I'll fess up--I'm a doctor, so I can't just not respond to unfamiliar numbers that come across my pager. When I call back, it's nada. Out of curiosity, I don't hang up. Her: [writer], it's your mother. I had a very humiliating experience today. Me:.... Her: I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren. But when I stopped by your house [husband] took them into the basement and SLAMMED the door. Me:... Her: I was with a FRIEND. I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren... Me: I'm going to say this once. You need professional help. Her: I'm getting professional help. And my professional tells me that your husband is the problem. Me: Your professional has never met my husband. Her: [slight chuckle] [writer], you are an abused person... Me: You're right! Thanks mom! And I hang up. Okay, first, who in their right mind shows up, with a friend no less, at the doorstep of someone who has refused to speak to them in over two years and expects to be let in? And second, now my husband is abusing me? Because he wouldn't let a crazy person in the house? Classic.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 Good vent. Yes, your nada is incapable of introspection and realizing that her own behaviors have created the " no contact " barrier from you. Because nada is always perfect (and you as her extension/appendage are always perfect too) and therefor has no need to take responsibility for her own behaviors, this is all your husband's fault; her evil son-in-law has cut her off from you and her grandchildren for no apparent reason. I'm sure the meaning of your text reply sailed past her without registering: " You are right nada: I am an abused person, and its YOU who is abusing me! " Its funny, as well as sad and frustrating. -Annie > > I need to vent... > > ...I'm working this weekend, two twelve-hour shifts. My husband is alone with our three kids. We haven't had contact with nada for just over two years. > > Yesterday, nada shows up on the doorstep while I'm at work. Hubby spies her, shuttles the kids into the basement and doesn't answer the doorbell. He shortly thereafter calls me to tell me so. > > Later that day, I get a page to an unfamiliar number. I'll fess up--I'm a doctor, so I can't just not respond to unfamiliar numbers that come across my pager. When I call back, it's nada. Out of curiosity, I don't hang up. > > Her: [writer], it's your mother. I had a very humiliating experience today. > > Me:.... > > Her: I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren. But when I stopped by your house [husband] took them into the basement and SLAMMED the door. > > Me:... > > Her: I was with a FRIEND. I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren... > > Me: I'm going to say this once. You need professional help. > > Her: I'm getting professional help. And my professional tells me that your husband is the problem. > > Me: Your professional has never met my husband. > > Her: [slight chuckle] [writer], you are an abused person... > > Me: You're right! Thanks mom! > > And I hang up. > > Okay, first, who in their right mind shows up, with a friend no less, at the doorstep of someone who has refused to speak to them in over two years and expects to be let in? > > And second, now my husband is abusing me? Because he wouldn't let a crazy person in the house? > > Classic.... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 Sorry you and your family had to deal with it. There is no rational to her behavior. And the conversation sounds creepy. I hate that snarky chuckle when they say things that are intended to minimize and invalidate. ~patricia More craziness... I need to vent... ...I'm working this weekend, two twelve-hour shifts. My husband is alone with our three kids. We haven't had contact with nada for just over two years. Yesterday, nada shows up on the doorstep while I'm at work. Hubby spies her, shuttles the kids into the basement and doesn't answer the doorbell. He shortly thereafter calls me to tell me so. Later that day, I get a page to an unfamiliar number. I'll fess up--I'm a doctor, so I can't just not respond to unfamiliar numbers that come across my pager. When I call back, it's nada. Out of curiosity, I don't hang up. Her: [writer], it's your mother. I had a very humiliating experience today. Me:.... Her: I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren. But when I stopped by your house [husband] took them into the basement and SLAMMED the door. Me:... Her: I was with a FRIEND. I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren... Me: I'm going to say this once. You need professional help. Her: I'm getting professional help. And my professional tells me that your husband is the problem. Me: Your professional has never met my husband. Her: [slight chuckle] [writer], you are an abused person... Me: You're right! Thanks mom! And I hang up. Okay, first, who in their right mind shows up, with a friend no less, at the doorstep of someone who has refused to speak to them in over two years and expects to be let in? And second, now my husband is abusing me? Because he wouldn't let a crazy person in the house? Classic.... ------------------------------------ Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 Yes, truly, the bpds/npds/aspds seem incapable of comprehending that there really are consequences, sometimes permanent consequences, to lashing out at another person in anger. There are some things a person can't un-say, or undo. They're like, " Well, you HAVE to forgive me; I'm your mother! " Um...well, no. I don't. I think in a lot of cases (such as with my nada) there were never any consequences; she simply got away with her bad behaviors from childhood on. People were afraid of her, so she learned that if charming, seductive, manipulative behaviors did not work, then rage and bullying behaviors would. Its all so sad. -Annie > > My nada did something similar on Christmas day. She didn't show up, but > called my inlaws home, where we were celebrating, hoping to 'catch' us. My > SIL answered the phone and handed to my husband, not saying who it was. As > soon as my husband said hello, nada identified herself and husband > immediately hung up. > > Nada called back on the home line, my husbands cell, my cell, leaving > messages all frantic and worked up saying she 'can't understand WHY he would > hang up on her'. That she only wanted to talk to the children. This is > someone we haven't spoken to in a year! Of course we hung up on her when she > stalked and tracked us down at a third parties home! Why would she expect > that we would suddenly talk to her? > > I expect that she will show up on our doorstep sometime in the next couple > of months, as we are about to move overseas and a relative gave her the > details of our move against our wishes. The only difference is that we are > going to call the police. I'm so tired of living in fear. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 You're absolutely right about the meaning of my reply. In retrospect, I fear she's going to take that as confirmation that she was right, but then again, she makes any words mean what she wants them to, anyway. To make things worse, my husband took my kids to the grocery store today where they " ran into " grandpa. I say " ran into " because a. my parents live twenty miles away and almost never go to grocery stores outside their hometown, and b. grandpa had no shopping cart--just kinda " happened " to be there. My husband abandoned the grocery cart and left the store with the kids. Time to look up the stalking laws in my state.... > > > > I need to vent... > > > > ...I'm working this weekend, two twelve-hour shifts. My husband is alone with our three kids. We haven't had contact with nada for just over two years. > > > > Yesterday, nada shows up on the doorstep while I'm at work. Hubby spies her, shuttles the kids into the basement and doesn't answer the doorbell. He shortly thereafter calls me to tell me so. > > > > Later that day, I get a page to an unfamiliar number. I'll fess up--I'm a doctor, so I can't just not respond to unfamiliar numbers that come across my pager. When I call back, it's nada. Out of curiosity, I don't hang up. > > > > Her: [writer], it's your mother. I had a very humiliating experience today. > > > > Me:.... > > > > Her: I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren. But when I stopped by your house [husband] took them into the basement and SLAMMED the door. > > > > Me:... > > > > Her: I was with a FRIEND. I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren... > > > > Me: I'm going to say this once. You need professional help. > > > > Her: I'm getting professional help. And my professional tells me that your husband is the problem. > > > > Me: Your professional has never met my husband. > > > > Her: [slight chuckle] [writer], you are an abused person... > > > > Me: You're right! Thanks mom! > > > > And I hang up. > > > > Okay, first, who in their right mind shows up, with a friend no less, at the doorstep of someone who has refused to speak to them in over two years and expects to be let in? > > > > And second, now my husband is abusing me? Because he wouldn't let a crazy person in the house? > > > > Classic.... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 Ugh, sounds awful. Don't you hate the repeated " I don't understand WHY! " s? It's like when you tell them that it's because of their own behavior their brains just shut off. > > My nada did something similar on Christmas day. She didn't show up, but > called my inlaws home, where we were celebrating, hoping to 'catch' us. My > SIL answered the phone and handed to my husband, not saying who it was. As > soon as my husband said hello, nada identified herself and husband > immediately hung up. > > Nada called back on the home line, my husbands cell, my cell, leaving > messages all frantic and worked up saying she 'can't understand WHY he would > hang up on her'. That she only wanted to talk to the children. This is > someone we haven't spoken to in a year! Of course we hung up on her when she > stalked and tracked us down at a third parties home! Why would she expect > that we would suddenly talk to her? > > I expect that she will show up on our doorstep sometime in the next couple > of months, as we are about to move overseas and a relative gave her the > details of our move against our wishes. The only difference is that we are > going to call the police. I'm so tired of living in fear. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 You know, I think that's exactly *why* she showed up with a friend. Now, since it didn't work out the way she wanted, she also has an outside " witness " to confirm her waifyness. > > my nada would pull something like this..show up with a friend because she'd > think I would not be " rude " to her in front of someone else...good for you > for standing your ground !! > > Jackie > > > > > I need to vent... > > ...I'm working this weekend, two twelve-hour shifts. My husband is alone > with our three kids. We haven't had contact with nada for just over two > years. > > Yesterday, nada shows up on the doorstep while I'm at work. Hubby spies > her, shuttles the kids into the basement and doesn't answer the doorbell. > He shortly thereafter calls me to tell me so. > > Later that day, I get a page to an unfamiliar number. I'll fess up--I'm a > doctor, so I can't just not respond to unfamiliar numbers that come across > my pager. When I call back, it's nada. Out of curiosity, I don't hang up. > > Her: [writer], it's your mother. I had a very humiliating experience > today. > > Me:.... > > Her: I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren. But when I stopped by your > house [husband] took them into the basement and SLAMMED the door. > > Me:... > > Her: I was with a FRIEND. I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren... > > Me: I'm going to say this once. You need professional help. > > Her: I'm getting professional help. And my professional tells me that your > husband is the problem. > > Me: Your professional has never met my husband. > > Her: [slight chuckle] [writer], you are an abused person... > > Me: You're right! Thanks mom! > > And I hang up. > > Okay, first, who in their right mind shows up, with a friend no less, at the > doorstep of someone who has refused to speak to them in over two years and > expects to be let in? > > And second, now my husband is abusing me? Because he wouldn't let a crazy > person in the house? > > Classic.... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 Thanks. Me too. > > Sorry you and your family had to deal with it. There is no rational to her behavior. And the conversation sounds creepy. > I hate that snarky chuckle when they say things that are intended to minimize and invalidate. > ~patricia > > More craziness... > > > I need to vent... > > ...I'm working this weekend, two twelve-hour shifts. My husband is alone with our three kids. We haven't had contact with nada for just over two years. > > Yesterday, nada shows up on the doorstep while I'm at work. Hubby spies her, shuttles the kids into the basement and doesn't answer the doorbell. He shortly thereafter calls me to tell me so. > > Later that day, I get a page to an unfamiliar number. I'll fess up--I'm a doctor, so I can't just not respond to unfamiliar numbers that come across my pager. When I call back, it's nada. Out of curiosity, I don't hang up. > > Her: [writer], it's your mother. I had a very humiliating experience today. > > Me:.... > > Her: I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren. But when I stopped by your house [husband] took them into the basement and SLAMMED the door. > > Me:... > > Her: I was with a FRIEND. I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren... > > Me: I'm going to say this once. You need professional help. > > Her: I'm getting professional help. And my professional tells me that your husband is the problem. > > Me: Your professional has never met my husband. > > Her: [slight chuckle] [writer], you are an abused person... > > Me: You're right! Thanks mom! > > And I hang up. > > Okay, first, who in their right mind shows up, with a friend no less, at the doorstep of someone who has refused to speak to them in over two years and expects to be let in? > > And second, now my husband is abusing me? Because he wouldn't let a crazy person in the house? > > Classic.... > > > > ------------------------------------ > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 My mom has never had to suffer the consequences of her own behavior, except at work--and then she'd decide that her job was the Worst Job Ever and her boss was evil and quit. At home, we kids were trained to never challenge her delusions or there would be hell to pay, from her or from dad. > > > > My nada did something similar on Christmas day. She didn't show up, but > > called my inlaws home, where we were celebrating, hoping to 'catch' us. My > > SIL answered the phone and handed to my husband, not saying who it was. As > > soon as my husband said hello, nada identified herself and husband > > immediately hung up. > > > > Nada called back on the home line, my husbands cell, my cell, leaving > > messages all frantic and worked up saying she 'can't understand WHY he would > > hang up on her'. That she only wanted to talk to the children. This is > > someone we haven't spoken to in a year! Of course we hung up on her when she > > stalked and tracked us down at a third parties home! Why would she expect > > that we would suddenly talk to her? > > > > I expect that she will show up on our doorstep sometime in the next couple > > of months, as we are about to move overseas and a relative gave her the > > details of our move against our wishes. The only difference is that we are > > going to call the police. I'm so tired of living in fear. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 Its so good that you and your husband are on the same page with this issue, and are there to back each other up. I'm sure you are counting the hours until you and your husband and kids leave the country. Great physical distance is one of the best boundaries there is from abusive pd parents. If I remember correctly from your earlier posts, your nada has tried to destroy your reputation or your husband's? (Forgive me if I'm getting stalker nadas mixed up with each other.) But if you fear that your nada or co-dependent dad might do something *really* stupid like try and kidnap your children from their school, I would definitely look into your state's stalking and harassment laws and/or consult with a lawyer about getting a restraining order taken out against them. -Annie > > > > > > I need to vent... > > > > > > ...I'm working this weekend, two twelve-hour shifts. My husband is alone with our three kids. We haven't had contact with nada for just over two years. > > > > > > Yesterday, nada shows up on the doorstep while I'm at work. Hubby spies her, shuttles the kids into the basement and doesn't answer the doorbell. He shortly thereafter calls me to tell me so. > > > > > > Later that day, I get a page to an unfamiliar number. I'll fess up--I'm a doctor, so I can't just not respond to unfamiliar numbers that come across my pager. When I call back, it's nada. Out of curiosity, I don't hang up. > > > > > > Her: [writer], it's your mother. I had a very humiliating experience today. > > > > > > Me:.... > > > > > > Her: I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren. But when I stopped by your house [husband] took them into the basement and SLAMMED the door. > > > > > > Me:... > > > > > > Her: I was with a FRIEND. I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren... > > > > > > Me: I'm going to say this once. You need professional help. > > > > > > Her: I'm getting professional help. And my professional tells me that your husband is the problem. > > > > > > Me: Your professional has never met my husband. > > > > > > Her: [slight chuckle] [writer], you are an abused person... > > > > > > Me: You're right! Thanks mom! > > > > > > And I hang up. > > > > > > Okay, first, who in their right mind shows up, with a friend no less, at the doorstep of someone who has refused to speak to them in over two years and expects to be let in? > > > > > > And second, now my husband is abusing me? Because he wouldn't let a crazy person in the house? > > > > > > Classic.... > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 same here minus the work...nada didn't work until I was a junior in HS...and she's always very sweet to outsiders, so if something pissed her off at work, she'd take it out on us when she got home...we were never allowed to challenge her either...she was right no matter what...I could even find a book written by an expert in the field of whatever subject she was discussing and prove to her she was wrong, and she'd tell me the book and the expert was wrong, and SHE was right , then go into a rage and how dare I question her !! and Annie, it wasn't forgiving her it was " you HAVE to love me because I'm your mother " Jackie My mom has never had to suffer the consequences of her own behavior, except at work--and then she'd decide that her job was the Worst Job Ever and her boss was evil and quit. At home, we kids were trained to never challenge her delusions or there would be hell to pay, from her or from dad. > > Yes, truly, the bpds/npds/aspds seem incapable of comprehending that there > really are consequences, sometimes permanent consequences, to lashing out > at another person in anger. There are some things a person can't un-say, > or undo. > > They're like, " Well, you HAVE to forgive me; I'm your mother! " > > Um...well, no. I don't. > > I think in a lot of cases (such as with my nada) there were never any > consequences; she simply got away with her bad behaviors from childhood > on. People were afraid of her, so she learned that if charming, > seductive, manipulative behaviors did not work, then rage and bullying > behaviors would. > > Its all so sad. > > -Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 if she's a good talker, like my nada, it would confirm MY craziness, not hers !! she'd twist it all around and " prove " to her friend that I was the problem... " see, I got to see my grandkids, and they go nuts, running around the house to hide. Now isn't that just ridicules ? Have you ever hear anything so crazy before ?? they do this to me ALL the time....blah blah " and have the friend thinking I was nuts, not nada Jackie You know, I think that's exactly *why* she showed up with a friend. Now, since it didn't work out the way she wanted, she also has an outside " witness " to confirm her waifyness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 I just wanted to say I so relate to this whole thing. Yes, it total craziness- and though you are trying to stay away and leave her be- she is resurfacing. You are not the one with the problem and or abusive spouse- but bp's then they are great at projecting. Your husband was trying to save your children and respect your wishes- I so dislike how they twist words,people and situations around. She though was with a friend and yes it certainly made her look- bad and of course it is all about her. Never once was it about how she just popped up, after 2 years with no warning. Can I tell you for years my nada accused my husband of cheating on me, she accused of him of sexually abusing our daughter because when she was younger he one time took her tent camping overnight. The list of things she has accused this man of are endless. The one thing she never accused him of was being a verbal abuser. That he was and is- just like nada. Hang in there and keep telling yourself- nada is the on with the issues and she is the abusive one. Malinda > > I need to vent... > > ...I'm working this weekend, two twelve-hour shifts. My husband is alone with our three kids. We haven't had contact with nada for just over two years. > > Yesterday, nada shows up on the doorstep while I'm at work. Hubby spies her, shuttles the kids into the basement and doesn't answer the doorbell. He shortly thereafter calls me to tell me so. > > Later that day, I get a page to an unfamiliar number. I'll fess up--I'm a doctor, so I can't just not respond to unfamiliar numbers that come across my pager. When I call back, it's nada. Out of curiosity, I don't hang up. > > Her: [writer], it's your mother. I had a very humiliating experience today. > > Me:.... > > Her: I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren. But when I stopped by your house [husband] took them into the basement and SLAMMED the door. > > Me:... > > Her: I was with a FRIEND. I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren... > > Me: I'm going to say this once. You need professional help. > > Her: I'm getting professional help. And my professional tells me that your husband is the problem. > > Me: Your professional has never met my husband. > > Her: [slight chuckle] [writer], you are an abused person... > > Me: You're right! Thanks mom! > > And I hang up. > > Okay, first, who in their right mind shows up, with a friend no less, at the doorstep of someone who has refused to speak to them in over two years and expects to be let in? > > And second, now my husband is abusing me? Because he wouldn't let a crazy person in the house? > > Classic.... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 Yup,LOL,my nada too...similar script,similar crap pulled... " NOW do you see what I mean about how crazy is? She does this to me ALL the time,it just makes no sense,I'll never know why in the world she turned out this way... " > > if she's a good talker, like my nada, it would confirm MY craziness, not > hers !! she'd twist it all around and " prove " to her friend that I was the > problem... " see, I got to see my grandkids, and they go nuts, running around > the house to hide. Now isn't that just ridicules ? Have you ever hear > anything so crazy before ?? they do this to me ALL the time....blah blah " > and have the friend thinking I was nuts, not nada > > Jackie > > > You know, I think that's exactly *why* she showed up with a friend. Now, > since it didn't work out the way she wanted, she also has an outside > " witness " to confirm her waifyness. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 " I've been such a good mother, I probably was TOO good and let her have too many things and get away with too much " " is the rest of the story from my nada.....and a big pile of doggie doo doo !! Jackie Yup,LOL,my nada too...similar script,similar crap pulled... " NOW do you see what I mean about how crazy is? She does this to me ALL the time,it just makes no sense,I'll never know why in the world she turned out this way... " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 Lol,Jackie...Mine also liked to lament, " But we gave her EVERYTHING " ...which is sort of true: she did give me " everything " that a child should never have to know: terror,aloneness,trips to the emergency room as well as denying me medical care for my injuries if that meant she'd get busted for them,despair,sexual exploitation...I really did have everything that many children don't. Couldn't resist--all of that is heavy but I can't help but chuckle at that " we gave her everything " --everything we dished out to her,that is! > > " I've been such a good mother, I probably was TOO good and let her have too > many things and get away with too much " " is the rest of the story from my > nada.....and a big pile of doggie doo doo !! > > Jackie > > > > > Yup,LOL,my nada too...similar script,similar crap pulled... " NOW do you see > what I mean about how crazy is? She does this to me ALL the > time,it just makes no sense,I'll never know why in the world she turned out > this way... " > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 Yes. Classic. I can't get used to the BP's crazy determination to try to get in after countless closed doors. Frustrating to the extreme, even if it is commonplace. Good for you and your husband, though!! Talk about strong boundaries. Those don't come easy when you are a child of a nada. I know you've worked hard. Be grateful to yourself--those boundaries are paying off!! > > I need to vent... > > ...I'm working this weekend, two twelve-hour shifts. My husband is alone with our three kids. We haven't had contact with nada for just over two years. > > Yesterday, nada shows up on the doorstep while I'm at work. Hubby spies her, shuttles the kids into the basement and doesn't answer the doorbell. He shortly thereafter calls me to tell me so. > > Later that day, I get a page to an unfamiliar number. I'll fess up--I'm a doctor, so I can't just not respond to unfamiliar numbers that come across my pager. When I call back, it's nada. Out of curiosity, I don't hang up. > > Her: [writer], it's your mother. I had a very humiliating experience today. > > Me:.... > > Her: I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren. But when I stopped by your house [husband] took them into the basement and SLAMMED the door. > > Me:... > > Her: I was with a FRIEND. I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren... > > Me: I'm going to say this once. You need professional help. > > Her: I'm getting professional help. And my professional tells me that your husband is the problem. > > Me: Your professional has never met my husband. > > Her: [slight chuckle] [writer], you are an abused person... > > Me: You're right! Thanks mom! > > And I hang up. > > Okay, first, who in their right mind shows up, with a friend no less, at the doorstep of someone who has refused to speak to them in over two years and expects to be let in? > > And second, now my husband is abusing me? Because he wouldn't let a crazy person in the house? > > Classic.... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 Hi writer, First off, I think it was wrong of your nada to take advantage of the fact that you cannot let a page go unanswered. That is proof right there that she has no repect for your wishes or boundaries, as if showing up unannounced at your door wasn't enough. I wouldn't put it past her that she was lying about getting professional help. And if she isn't lying....she might be doing a really nice job of fooling her therapist and telling lies about your husband or something. I don't believe any therapist would tell their patient that the problems are someone elses fault. The point of therapy is to help an individual deal with their own lives better. I think it's good that you hung up on her.....it's hard for me to do. That is showing her that you aren't going to respond to that kind of crap. You are a doctor, a wife, and a mother. You have enough anguish to worry about at your job everyday to let nada's childish antics get to you. Also, out of pure curiosity, what kind of Doctor are you? ~Sara Jo > > I need to vent... > > ...I'm working this weekend, two twelve-hour shifts. My husband is alone with our three kids. We haven't had contact with nada for just over two years. > > Yesterday, nada shows up on the doorstep while I'm at work. Hubby spies her, shuttles the kids into the basement and doesn't answer the doorbell. He shortly thereafter calls me to tell me so. > > Later that day, I get a page to an unfamiliar number. I'll fess up--I'm a doctor, so I can't just not respond to unfamiliar numbers that come across my pager. When I call back, it's nada. Out of curiosity, I don't hang up. > > Her: [writer], it's your mother. I had a very humiliating experience today. > > Me:.... > > Her: I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren. But when I stopped by your house [husband] took them into the basement and SLAMMED the door. > > Me:... > > Her: I was with a FRIEND. I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren... > > Me: I'm going to say this once. You need professional help. > > Her: I'm getting professional help. And my professional tells me that your husband is the problem. > > Me: Your professional has never met my husband. > > Her: [slight chuckle] [writer], you are an abused person... > > Me: You're right! Thanks mom! > > And I hang up. > > Okay, first, who in their right mind shows up, with a friend no less, at the doorstep of someone who has refused to speak to them in over two years and expects to be let in? > > And second, now my husband is abusing me? Because he wouldn't let a crazy person in the house? > > Classic.... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 Good point. Your nada knows that you *must* answer pages, so that's the hook she uses to force you to contact her. Not very empathetic or respectful at all on your nada's part, in my opinion. And very manipulative. -Annie > > Hi writer, > First off, I think it was wrong of your nada to take advantage of the fact that you cannot let a page go unanswered. That is proof right there that she has no repect for your wishes or boundaries, as if showing up unannounced at your door wasn't enough. > I wouldn't put it past her that she was lying about getting professional help. And if she isn't lying....she might be doing a really nice job of fooling her therapist and telling lies about your husband or something. I don't believe any therapist would tell their patient that the problems are someone elses fault. The point of therapy is to help an individual deal with their own lives better. > I think it's good that you hung up on her.....it's hard for me to do. That is showing her that you aren't going to respond to that kind of crap. > You are a doctor, a wife, and a mother. You have enough anguish to worry about at your job everyday to let nada's childish antics get to you. > Also, out of pure curiosity, what kind of Doctor are you? > ~Sara Jo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 Wise advice, Doug. Bpds will often use lies and other manipulations to get their way, to play you, use you, get sympathy from you, etc. They tend to play by their own rules and they decide there are different rules for themselves than for you. I agree that with bpd parents its necessary to get confirmation of their medical and psychiatric conditions straight from the doctor if its at all possible. -Annie > > > Whether you choose to characterize it as gaslighting or just out and out > lying, you can never , ever, accept the words of a BP without > confirmation. Most likely either she is not getting help, or she is > playing her T and hearing and reporting just what she wants to. > > > > A boundery I set, while my nada was living, after so many misreported > conversations with both T and MD s, I will go with you to your Dr and > listen as they talk to you, and ask questions, the same for your T. I > will participate in family T sessions with a bone fide , real > professional T who knows about your stuff. But otherwises, as far as I > am concerned anything I dont hear directly from your Dr or T is a lie or > exageration. > > The only time she ever let me or her health care providers have access > to each other was when she got the results of a breast biopsy, I was > there when the Dr gave her the negative report. > > > > Sadly, she is abusing what little contact you permitted. I would > consider forbidding her, via restraining order if necessary, from > contacting you in any way, including your pager. You might consider > that the next contact, if it comes, must come from a bone fide Licensed > Professional Counselor, asking for a family therapy session. > > > > Its tough. They will violate anything. The don t respect us at all. > > Doug Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 4, 2010 Report Share Posted January 4, 2010 We've alerted the kids' schools, just in case. If they try anything I will not hesitate to have them arrested. > > > > > > > > I need to vent... > > > > > > > > ...I'm working this weekend, two twelve-hour shifts. My husband is alone with our three kids. We haven't had contact with nada for just over two years. > > > > > > > > Yesterday, nada shows up on the doorstep while I'm at work. Hubby spies her, shuttles the kids into the basement and doesn't answer the doorbell. He shortly thereafter calls me to tell me so. > > > > > > > > Later that day, I get a page to an unfamiliar number. I'll fess up--I'm a doctor, so I can't just not respond to unfamiliar numbers that come across my pager. When I call back, it's nada. Out of curiosity, I don't hang up. > > > > > > > > Her: [writer], it's your mother. I had a very humiliating experience today. > > > > > > > > Me:.... > > > > > > > > Her: I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren. But when I stopped by your house [husband] took them into the basement and SLAMMED the door. > > > > > > > > Me:... > > > > > > > > Her: I was with a FRIEND. I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren... > > > > > > > > Me: I'm going to say this once. You need professional help. > > > > > > > > Her: I'm getting professional help. And my professional tells me that your husband is the problem. > > > > > > > > Me: Your professional has never met my husband. > > > > > > > > Her: [slight chuckle] [writer], you are an abused person... > > > > > > > > Me: You're right! Thanks mom! > > > > > > > > And I hang up. > > > > > > > > Okay, first, who in their right mind shows up, with a friend no less, at the doorstep of someone who has refused to speak to them in over two years and expects to be let in? > > > > > > > > And second, now my husband is abusing me? Because he wouldn't let a crazy person in the house? > > > > > > > > Classic.... > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 4, 2010 Report Share Posted January 4, 2010 Oh, I have a classic story with regards to nada being right about everything. So I'm an MD, right? Nada calls me once and starts talking about how worried she is about one of her friends who's getting chemotherapy and is receiving " plattle-let " transfusions. " Mom, it's pronounced 'platelets', " I politely correct her. Dramatic pause, and then in a huffy voice, " Well, out HERE we call them 'plattle-lets'! " For the record, precisely NOBODY in the medical profession pronounces it that way. But she's nada. She has to win. > > > > Yes, truly, the bpds/npds/aspds seem incapable of comprehending that there > > really are consequences, sometimes permanent consequences, to lashing out > > at another person in anger. There are some things a person can't un-say, > > or undo. > > > > They're like, " Well, you HAVE to forgive me; I'm your mother! " > > > > Um...well, no. I don't. > > > > I think in a lot of cases (such as with my nada) there were never any > > consequences; she simply got away with her bad behaviors from childhood > > on. People were afraid of her, so she learned that if charming, > > seductive, manipulative behaviors did not work, then rage and bullying > > behaviors would. > > > > Its all so sad. > > > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 4, 2010 Report Share Posted January 4, 2010 I have no doubt that she's doing exactly that right now. > > if she's a good talker, like my nada, it would confirm MY craziness, not > hers !! she'd twist it all around and " prove " to her friend that I was the > problem... " see, I got to see my grandkids, and they go nuts, running around > the house to hide. Now isn't that just ridicules ? Have you ever hear > anything so crazy before ?? they do this to me ALL the time....blah blah " > and have the friend thinking I was nuts, not nada > > Jackie > > > You know, I think that's exactly *why* she showed up with a friend. Now, > since it didn't work out the way she wanted, she also has an outside > " witness " to confirm her waifyness. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 4, 2010 Report Share Posted January 4, 2010 Thanks! > > > > I need to vent... > > > > ...I'm working this weekend, two twelve-hour shifts. My husband is alone with our three kids. We haven't had contact with nada for just over two years. > > > > Yesterday, nada shows up on the doorstep while I'm at work. Hubby spies her, shuttles the kids into the basement and doesn't answer the doorbell. He shortly thereafter calls me to tell me so. > > > > Later that day, I get a page to an unfamiliar number. I'll fess up--I'm a doctor, so I can't just not respond to unfamiliar numbers that come across my pager. When I call back, it's nada. Out of curiosity, I don't hang up. > > > > Her: [writer], it's your mother. I had a very humiliating experience today. > > > > Me:.... > > > > Her: I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren. But when I stopped by your house [husband] took them into the basement and SLAMMED the door. > > > > Me:... > > > > Her: I was with a FRIEND. I wanted to say hi to MY grandchildren... > > > > Me: I'm going to say this once. You need professional help. > > > > Her: I'm getting professional help. And my professional tells me that your husband is the problem. > > > > Me: Your professional has never met my husband. > > > > Her: [slight chuckle] [writer], you are an abused person... > > > > Me: You're right! Thanks mom! > > > > And I hang up. > > > > Okay, first, who in their right mind shows up, with a friend no less, at the doorstep of someone who has refused to speak to them in over two years and expects to be let in? > > > > And second, now my husband is abusing me? Because he wouldn't let a crazy person in the house? > > > > Classic.... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 4, 2010 Report Share Posted January 4, 2010 Thanks! > > > > Her: [slight chuckle] [writer], you are an abused person... > > > > Me: You're right! Thanks mom! > > > > And I hang up. > > > > Okay, first, who in their right mind shows up, with a friend no less, at the > > doorstep of someone who has refused to speak to them in over two years and > > expects to be let in? > > > > And second, now my husband is abusing me? Because he wouldn't let a crazy > > person in the house? > > Wow, kudos to you and your husband. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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