Guest guest Posted January 7, 2010 Report Share Posted January 7, 2010 Holy canoli. That's no small worksheet of busy work, is it. a Journal about how you and your life might have been different if your mother had loved you unconditionally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 7, 2010 Report Share Posted January 7, 2010 That made me almost cry. > > Journal about how you and your life might have been different if your mother had loved you unconditionally. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2010 Report Share Posted January 8, 2010 Wow. What a good question! I just don't know how to answer that, or to even begin. > > Journal about how you and your life might have been different if your mother had loved you unconditionally. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2010 Report Share Posted January 8, 2010 this brings tears to my eyes. I actually touched the computer screen for comfort. May we all heal > > Journal about how you and your life might have been different if your mother had loved you unconditionally. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2010 Report Share Posted January 8, 2010 OMG !! how can anyone do this without writting a book ?? My life could have gone in a million different directions... Jackie > > Journal about how you and your life might have been different if your > mother had loved you unconditionally. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2010 Report Share Posted January 8, 2010 My therapist had me do this... in a bullet point format... so I wouldn't lose my sanity in the details. Hard. Lynnette > > Journal about how you and your life might have been different if your mother had loved you unconditionally. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2010 Report Share Posted January 8, 2010 LOL I could see how this could easily turn into a life time huge book writing project !! Jackie My therapist had me do this... in a bullet point format... so I wouldn't lose my sanity in the details. Hard. Lynnette Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2010 Report Share Posted January 8, 2010 Heh. Me, too. > > > > Journal about how you and your life might have been different if your mother had loved you unconditionally. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 > > Journal about how you and your life might have been different if your mother had loved you unconditionally. > OK the first thing I told my therapist when she said to do this is that my family would accuse me of " blaming everything in my life on my mother " . So I feel some guilt about that. But here is my speculation about how my life might have been different: There once was a girl who was born to parents who loved her and her brother unconditionally. She knew, even before she understood language, that she was part of a family that loved her and wanted the best for her. Her mother loved being a mother, and she was very patient with everyday childhood needs, like taking her child to the restroom, and understanding that children move slower than adults and are still learning. Her mother enjoyed her children's company, and engaged in play with them regularly, while also teaching them how to entertain themselves. The girl's mother often looked at her with love. Her brother, having received the same loving, patient care from their parents, was a loving brother to his sister. Sometimes they fought, as kids would, but he generally cared for her and treated her with a sense of fair play and respect. As a child, she was allowed to express her feelings, and her feelings were honored. She learned right from wrong in a physically and emotionally safe environment. Her mother took the time to carefully explain things to her and to teach her how to be in the world. She learned how to be a good friend. She learned how to deal with disappointment in a way that honored her feelings, and helped her to cope without getting stuck. These lessons helped her to form loving, caring, lifelong friendships with people who respected her boundaries and also loved her unconditionally. Those who did not were easily weeded out early on because she had been taught to love and respect herself. Because of the girl's strong self-esteem, she was rarely picked on at school, and she knew how to deal with it when she was, with her mother's caring emotional guidance. When she needed help studying for the spelling bee that she was placed in because of her good grades, her mother gladly helped her and was thrilled with how well she did in the contest. Whatever came her way, be it good or bad, she knew that her mother supported her and wanted her to be happy and to form healthy relationships. Since she received so much support and love, she never battled with addiction to food or any other substance. Sometimes she would overeat because something tasted good, but overall, she had a normal relationship with food. Her strong self-esteem helped her to make decisions without too much trouble, because she was confident in her ability to care for herself. If she wasn't sure what to do, she could always receive counsel from her mother, who would lovingly guide her without telling her what to do. She would assure her daughter that she had confidence in her ability to make the right decision for HER. As she grew older, her mother, though she found it difficult, was able to let her daughter become more independent, as she knew that this was ultimately her most important job as a mother. She encouraged her daughter's relationships with other family members, as she was secure in herself, and not jealous. It made her happy to see her daughter happy. She stayed with her high school sweetheart (her mother thought he was unattractive, but never said so), and she married him and they had kids. He was a very kind hearted person, and his family was a joy to be around, so their children had two healthy, loving extended families. Her marriage wasn't perfect, but it was loving, respectful and healthy. The mother understood when the daughter needed more time to herself and she did not take it personally. Her own life was very full with friends, work and hobbies. When her mother died, she was sad. Deanna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 Beautifully done. What a lovely, sweet description of an ideal parent-child relationship. Would that we all had been blessed by such a mentally healthy mother (and father.) The difference is like night and day: a mother who embodies peace, self-confidence, intelligence, empathy, guidance, concern, selflessness and a kind of quiet joyfulness with life, instead of a mother who is a black hole of need, completely self-absorbed, who feels entitled to lash out and inflict her own pain, despair and shame onto her children because it temporarily distracts her from her own internal nothingness. I've told a friend or two before, " When I die I'm not afraid that I might go to hell; I've already been, that's where I grew up. " -Annie > > > > Journal about how you and your life might have been different if your mother had loved you unconditionally. > > > > OK the first thing I told my therapist when she said to do this is that my family would accuse me of " blaming everything in my life on my mother " . So I feel some guilt about that. But here is my speculation about how my life might have been different: > > There once was a girl who was born to parents who loved her and her brother unconditionally. She knew, even before she understood language, that she was part of a family that loved her and wanted the best for her. > > Her mother loved being a mother, and she was very patient with everyday childhood needs, like taking her child to the restroom, and understanding that children move slower than adults and are still learning. Her mother enjoyed her children's company, and engaged in play with them regularly, while also teaching them how to entertain themselves. > > The girl's mother often looked at her with love. > > Her brother, having received the same loving, patient care from their parents, was a loving brother to his sister. Sometimes they fought, as kids would, but he generally cared for her and treated her with a sense of fair play and respect. > > As a child, she was allowed to express her feelings, and her feelings were honored. She learned right from wrong in a physically and emotionally safe environment. Her mother took the time to carefully explain things to her and to teach her how to be in the world. She learned how to be a good friend. She learned how to deal with disappointment in a way that honored her feelings, and helped her to cope without getting stuck. > > These lessons helped her to form loving, caring, lifelong friendships with people who respected her boundaries and also loved her unconditionally. Those who did not were easily weeded out early on because she had been taught to love and respect herself. > > Because of the girl's strong self-esteem, she was rarely picked on at school, and she knew how to deal with it when she was, with her mother's caring emotional guidance. > > When she needed help studying for the spelling bee that she was placed in because of her good grades, her mother gladly helped her and was thrilled with how well she did in the contest. > > Whatever came her way, be it good or bad, she knew that her mother supported her and wanted her to be happy and to form healthy relationships. Since she received so much support and love, she never battled with addiction to food or any other substance. Sometimes she would overeat because something tasted good, but overall, she had a normal relationship with food. > > Her strong self-esteem helped her to make decisions without too much trouble, because she was confident in her ability to care for herself. If she wasn't sure what to do, she could always receive counsel from her mother, who would lovingly guide her without telling her what to do. She would assure her daughter that she had confidence in her ability to make the right decision for HER. > > As she grew older, her mother, though she found it difficult, was able to let her daughter become more independent, as she knew that this was ultimately her most important job as a mother. She encouraged her daughter's relationships with other family members, as she was secure in herself, and not jealous. It made her happy to see her daughter happy. > > She stayed with her high school sweetheart (her mother thought he was unattractive, but never said so), and she married him and they had kids. He was a very kind hearted person, and his family was a joy to be around, so their children had two healthy, loving extended families. Her marriage wasn't perfect, but it was loving, respectful and healthy. > > The mother understood when the daughter needed more time to herself and she did not take it personally. Her own life was very full with friends, work and hobbies. > > When her mother died, she was sad. > > Deanna > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 Thanks Annie. You are so sweet. Deanna > > > > > > Journal about how you and your life might have been different if your mother had loved you unconditionally. > > > > > > > OK the first thing I told my therapist when she said to do this is that my family would accuse me of " blaming everything in my life on my mother " . So I feel some guilt about that. But here is my speculation about how my life might have been different: > > > > There once was a girl who was born to parents who loved her and her brother unconditionally. She knew, even before she understood language, that she was part of a family that loved her and wanted the best for her. > > > > Her mother loved being a mother, and she was very patient with everyday childhood needs, like taking her child to the restroom, and understanding that children move slower than adults and are still learning. Her mother enjoyed her children's company, and engaged in play with them regularly, while also teaching them how to entertain themselves. > > > > The girl's mother often looked at her with love. > > > > Her brother, having received the same loving, patient care from their parents, was a loving brother to his sister. Sometimes they fought, as kids would, but he generally cared for her and treated her with a sense of fair play and respect. > > > > As a child, she was allowed to express her feelings, and her feelings were honored. She learned right from wrong in a physically and emotionally safe environment. Her mother took the time to carefully explain things to her and to teach her how to be in the world. She learned how to be a good friend. She learned how to deal with disappointment in a way that honored her feelings, and helped her to cope without getting stuck. > > > > These lessons helped her to form loving, caring, lifelong friendships with people who respected her boundaries and also loved her unconditionally. Those who did not were easily weeded out early on because she had been taught to love and respect herself. > > > > Because of the girl's strong self-esteem, she was rarely picked on at school, and she knew how to deal with it when she was, with her mother's caring emotional guidance. > > > > When she needed help studying for the spelling bee that she was placed in because of her good grades, her mother gladly helped her and was thrilled with how well she did in the contest. > > > > Whatever came her way, be it good or bad, she knew that her mother supported her and wanted her to be happy and to form healthy relationships. Since she received so much support and love, she never battled with addiction to food or any other substance. Sometimes she would overeat because something tasted good, but overall, she had a normal relationship with food. > > > > Her strong self-esteem helped her to make decisions without too much trouble, because she was confident in her ability to care for herself. If she wasn't sure what to do, she could always receive counsel from her mother, who would lovingly guide her without telling her what to do. She would assure her daughter that she had confidence in her ability to make the right decision for HER. > > > > As she grew older, her mother, though she found it difficult, was able to let her daughter become more independent, as she knew that this was ultimately her most important job as a mother. She encouraged her daughter's relationships with other family members, as she was secure in herself, and not jealous. It made her happy to see her daughter happy. > > > > She stayed with her high school sweetheart (her mother thought he was unattractive, but never said so), and she married him and they had kids. He was a very kind hearted person, and his family was a joy to be around, so their children had two healthy, loving extended families. Her marriage wasn't perfect, but it was loving, respectful and healthy. > > > > The mother understood when the daughter needed more time to herself and she did not take it personally. Her own life was very full with friends, work and hobbies. > > > > When her mother died, she was sad. > > > > Deanna > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 aw, that was very sweet, Deanna, even though you didin't have this as a child, you have a wonderful understanding of what a real family and what a real mother should be like :-) You wrote it so sweetly, there wasnt any bitterness about it...a hint of sadness, but we all would have that ....I hope your therapist was happy with this Jackie > Journal about how you and your life might have been different if your > mother had loved you unconditionally. > OK the first thing I told my therapist when she said to do this is that my family would accuse me of " blaming everything in my life on my mother " . So I feel some guilt about that. But here is my speculation about how my life might have been different: There once was a girl who was born to parents who loved her and her brother unconditionally. She knew, even before she understood language, that she was part of a family that loved her and wanted the best for her. Her mother loved being a mother, and she was very patient with everyday childhood needs, like taking her child to the restroom, and understanding that children move slower than adults and are still learning. Her mother enjoyed her children's company, and engaged in play with them regularly, while also teaching them how to entertain themselves. The girl's mother often looked at her with love. Her brother, having received the same loving, patient care from their parents, was a loving brother to his sister. Sometimes they fought, as kids would, but he generally cared for her and treated her with a sense of fair play and respect. As a child, she was allowed to express her feelings, and her feelings were honored. She learned right from wrong in a physically and emotionally safe environment. Her mother took the time to carefully explain things to her and to teach her how to be in the world. She learned how to be a good friend. She learned how to deal with disappointment in a way that honored her feelings, and helped her to cope without getting stuck. These lessons helped her to form loving, caring, lifelong friendships with people who respected her boundaries and also loved her unconditionally. Those who did not were easily weeded out early on because she had been taught to love and respect herself. Because of the girl's strong self-esteem, she was rarely picked on at school, and she knew how to deal with it when she was, with her mother's caring emotional guidance. When she needed help studying for the spelling bee that she was placed in because of her good grades, her mother gladly helped her and was thrilled with how well she did in the contest. Whatever came her way, be it good or bad, she knew that her mother supported her and wanted her to be happy and to form healthy relationships. Since she received so much support and love, she never battled with addiction to food or any other substance. Sometimes she would overeat because something tasted good, but overall, she had a normal relationship with food. Her strong self-esteem helped her to make decisions without too much trouble, because she was confident in her ability to care for herself. If she wasn't sure what to do, she could always receive counsel from her mother, who would lovingly guide her without telling her what to do. She would assure her daughter that she had confidence in her ability to make the right decision for HER. As she grew older, her mother, though she found it difficult, was able to let her daughter become more independent, as she knew that this was ultimately her most important job as a mother. She encouraged her daughter's relationships with other family members, as she was secure in herself, and not jealous. It made her happy to see her daughter happy. She stayed with her high school sweetheart (her mother thought he was unattractive, but never said so), and she married him and they had kids. He was a very kind hearted person, and his family was a joy to be around, so their children had two healthy, loving extended families. Her marriage wasn't perfect, but it was loving, respectful and healthy. The mother understood when the daughter needed more time to herself and she did not take it personally. Her own life was very full with friends, work and hobbies. When her mother died, she was sad. Deanna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 Deanna, that is as brave as it is beautiful. Thank you for gifting us with such heart. Karla > > > > Journal about how you and your life might have been different if your mother had loved you unconditionally. > > > > OK the first thing I told my therapist when she said to do this is that my family would accuse me of " blaming everything in my life on my mother " . So I feel some guilt about that. But here is my speculation about how my life might have been different: > > There once was a girl who was born to parents who loved her and her brother unconditionally. She knew, even before she understood language, that she was part of a family that loved her and wanted the best for her. > > Her mother loved being a mother, and she was very patient with everyday childhood needs, like taking her child to the restroom, and understanding that children move slower than adults and are still learning. Her mother enjoyed her children's company, and engaged in play with them regularly, while also teaching them how to entertain themselves. > > The girl's mother often looked at her with love. > > Her brother, having received the same loving, patient care from their parents, was a loving brother to his sister. Sometimes they fought, as kids would, but he generally cared for her and treated her with a sense of fair play and respect. > > As a child, she was allowed to express her feelings, and her feelings were honored. She learned right from wrong in a physically and emotionally safe environment. Her mother took the time to carefully explain things to her and to teach her how to be in the world. She learned how to be a good friend. She learned how to deal with disappointment in a way that honored her feelings, and helped her to cope without getting stuck. > > These lessons helped her to form loving, caring, lifelong friendships with people who respected her boundaries and also loved her unconditionally. Those who did not were easily weeded out early on because she had been taught to love and respect herself. > > Because of the girl's strong self-esteem, she was rarely picked on at school, and she knew how to deal with it when she was, with her mother's caring emotional guidance. > > When she needed help studying for the spelling bee that she was placed in because of her good grades, her mother gladly helped her and was thrilled with how well she did in the contest. > > Whatever came her way, be it good or bad, she knew that her mother supported her and wanted her to be happy and to form healthy relationships. Since she received so much support and love, she never battled with addiction to food or any other substance. Sometimes she would overeat because something tasted good, but overall, she had a normal relationship with food. > > Her strong self-esteem helped her to make decisions without too much trouble, because she was confident in her ability to care for herself. If she wasn't sure what to do, she could always receive counsel from her mother, who would lovingly guide her without telling her what to do. She would assure her daughter that she had confidence in her ability to make the right decision for HER. > > As she grew older, her mother, though she found it difficult, was able to let her daughter become more independent, as she knew that this was ultimately her most important job as a mother. She encouraged her daughter's relationships with other family members, as she was secure in herself, and not jealous. It made her happy to see her daughter happy. > > She stayed with her high school sweetheart (her mother thought he was unattractive, but never said so), and she married him and they had kids. He was a very kind hearted person, and his family was a joy to be around, so their children had two healthy, loving extended families. Her marriage wasn't perfect, but it was loving, respectful and healthy. > > The mother understood when the daughter needed more time to herself and she did not take it personally. Her own life was very full with friends, work and hobbies. > > When her mother died, she was sad. > > Deanna > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 BRAVO !!!! > > > > Journal about how you and your life might have been different if your mother had loved you unconditionally. > > > > OK the first thing I told my therapist when she said to do this is that my family would accuse me of " blaming everything in my life on my mother " . So I feel some guilt about that. But here is my speculation about how my life might have been different: > > There once was a girl who was born to parents who loved her and her brother unconditionally. She knew, even before she understood language, that she was part of a family that loved her and wanted the best for her. > > Her mother loved being a mother, and she was very patient with everyday childhood needs, like taking her child to the restroom, and understanding that children move slower than adults and are still learning. Her mother enjoyed her children's company, and engaged in play with them regularly, while also teaching them how to entertain themselves. > > The girl's mother often looked at her with love. > > Her brother, having received the same loving, patient care from their parents, was a loving brother to his sister. Sometimes they fought, as kids would, but he generally cared for her and treated her with a sense of fair play and respect. > > As a child, she was allowed to express her feelings, and her feelings were honored. She learned right from wrong in a physically and emotionally safe environment. Her mother took the time to carefully explain things to her and to teach her how to be in the world. She learned how to be a good friend. She learned how to deal with disappointment in a way that honored her feelings, and helped her to cope without getting stuck. > > These lessons helped her to form loving, caring, lifelong friendships with people who respected her boundaries and also loved her unconditionally. Those who did not were easily weeded out early on because she had been taught to love and respect herself. > > Because of the girl's strong self-esteem, she was rarely picked on at school, and she knew how to deal with it when she was, with her mother's caring emotional guidance. > > When she needed help studying for the spelling bee that she was placed in because of her good grades, her mother gladly helped her and was thrilled with how well she did in the contest. > > Whatever came her way, be it good or bad, she knew that her mother supported her and wanted her to be happy and to form healthy relationships. Since she received so much support and love, she never battled with addiction to food or any other substance. Sometimes she would overeat because something tasted good, but overall, she had a normal relationship with food. > > Her strong self-esteem helped her to make decisions without too much trouble, because she was confident in her ability to care for herself. If she wasn't sure what to do, she could always receive counsel from her mother, who would lovingly guide her without telling her what to do. She would assure her daughter that she had confidence in her ability to make the right decision for HER. > > As she grew older, her mother, though she found it difficult, was able to let her daughter become more independent, as she knew that this was ultimately her most important job as a mother. She encouraged her daughter's relationships with other family members, as she was secure in herself, and not jealous. It made her happy to see her daughter happy. > > She stayed with her high school sweetheart (her mother thought he was unattractive, but never said so), and she married him and they had kids. He was a very kind hearted person, and his family was a joy to be around, so their children had two healthy, loving extended families. Her marriage wasn't perfect, but it was loving, respectful and healthy. > > The mother understood when the daughter needed more time to herself and she did not take it personally. Her own life was very full with friends, work and hobbies. > > When her mother died, she was sad. > > Deanna > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 Deanna,thank you for sharing this with us.It really puts it into perspective,doesn't it? Your speculation is so on target and heartfelt and beautifully done.It really should have been like that--and that you can reframe your experience in this way says so much about your own health and soundness.Anyone who read what you wrote and accused you of blaming your mother just isn't getting it. > > > > Journal about how you and your life might have been different if your mother had loved you unconditionally. > > > > OK the first thing I told my therapist when she said to do this is that my family would accuse me of " blaming everything in my life on my mother " . So I feel some guilt about that. But here is my speculation about how my life might have been different: > > There once was a girl who was born to parents who loved her and her brother unconditionally. She knew, even before she understood language, that she was part of a family that loved her and wanted the best for her. > > Her mother loved being a mother, and she was very patient with everyday childhood needs, like taking her child to the restroom, and understanding that children move slower than adults and are still learning. Her mother enjoyed her children's company, and engaged in play with them regularly, while also teaching them how to entertain themselves. > > The girl's mother often looked at her with love. > > Her brother, having received the same loving, patient care from their parents, was a loving brother to his sister. Sometimes they fought, as kids would, but he generally cared for her and treated her with a sense of fair play and respect. > > As a child, she was allowed to express her feelings, and her feelings were honored. She learned right from wrong in a physically and emotionally safe environment. Her mother took the time to carefully explain things to her and to teach her how to be in the world. She learned how to be a good friend. She learned how to deal with disappointment in a way that honored her feelings, and helped her to cope without getting stuck. > > These lessons helped her to form loving, caring, lifelong friendships with people who respected her boundaries and also loved her unconditionally. Those who did not were easily weeded out early on because she had been taught to love and respect herself. > > Because of the girl's strong self-esteem, she was rarely picked on at school, and she knew how to deal with it when she was, with her mother's caring emotional guidance. > > When she needed help studying for the spelling bee that she was placed in because of her good grades, her mother gladly helped her and was thrilled with how well she did in the contest. > > Whatever came her way, be it good or bad, she knew that her mother supported her and wanted her to be happy and to form healthy relationships. Since she received so much support and love, she never battled with addiction to food or any other substance. Sometimes she would overeat because something tasted good, but overall, she had a normal relationship with food. > > Her strong self-esteem helped her to make decisions without too much trouble, because she was confident in her ability to care for herself. If she wasn't sure what to do, she could always receive counsel from her mother, who would lovingly guide her without telling her what to do. She would assure her daughter that she had confidence in her ability to make the right decision for HER. > > As she grew older, her mother, though she found it difficult, was able to let her daughter become more independent, as she knew that this was ultimately her most important job as a mother. She encouraged her daughter's relationships with other family members, as she was secure in herself, and not jealous. It made her happy to see her daughter happy. > > She stayed with her high school sweetheart (her mother thought he was unattractive, but never said so), and she married him and they had kids. He was a very kind hearted person, and his family was a joy to be around, so their children had two healthy, loving extended families. Her marriage wasn't perfect, but it was loving, respectful and healthy. > > The mother understood when the daughter needed more time to herself and she did not take it personally. Her own life was very full with friends, work and hobbies. > > When her mother died, she was sad. > > Deanna > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2010 Report Share Posted January 14, 2010 Deanna, Thank you for writing this. It was wonderful to read. I am curious what the intent of the exercise was? I have not seen this type of exercise in books nor heard of it through my past therapy. -Joy > > > > > > Journal about how you and your life might have been different if your mother had loved you unconditionally. > > > > > > > OK the first thing I told my therapist when she said to do this is that my family would accuse me of " blaming everything in my life on my mother " . So I feel some guilt about that. But here is my speculation about how my life might have been different: > > > > There once was a girl who was born to parents who loved her and her brother unconditionally. She knew, even before she understood language, that she was part of a family that loved her and wanted the best for her. > > > > Her mother loved being a mother, and she was very patient with everyday childhood needs, like taking her child to the restroom, and understanding that children move slower than adults and are still learning. Her mother enjoyed her children's company, and engaged in play with them regularly, while also teaching them how to entertain themselves. > > > > The girl's mother often looked at her with love. > > > > Her brother, having received the same loving, patient care from their parents, was a loving brother to his sister. Sometimes they fought, as kids would, but he generally cared for her and treated her with a sense of fair play and respect. > > > > As a child, she was allowed to express her feelings, and her feelings were honored. She learned right from wrong in a physically and emotionally safe environment. Her mother took the time to carefully explain things to her and to teach her how to be in the world. She learned how to be a good friend. She learned how to deal with disappointment in a way that honored her feelings, and helped her to cope without getting stuck. > > > > These lessons helped her to form loving, caring, lifelong friendships with people who respected her boundaries and also loved her unconditionally. Those who did not were easily weeded out early on because she had been taught to love and respect herself. > > > > Because of the girl's strong self-esteem, she was rarely picked on at school, and she knew how to deal with it when she was, with her mother's caring emotional guidance. > > > > When she needed help studying for the spelling bee that she was placed in because of her good grades, her mother gladly helped her and was thrilled with how well she did in the contest. > > > > Whatever came her way, be it good or bad, she knew that her mother supported her and wanted her to be happy and to form healthy relationships. Since she received so much support and love, she never battled with addiction to food or any other substance. Sometimes she would overeat because something tasted good, but overall, she had a normal relationship with food. > > > > Her strong self-esteem helped her to make decisions without too much trouble, because she was confident in her ability to care for herself. If she wasn't sure what to do, she could always receive counsel from her mother, who would lovingly guide her without telling her what to do. She would assure her daughter that she had confidence in her ability to make the right decision for HER. > > > > As she grew older, her mother, though she found it difficult, was able to let her daughter become more independent, as she knew that this was ultimately her most important job as a mother. She encouraged her daughter's relationships with other family members, as she was secure in herself, and not jealous. It made her happy to see her daughter happy. > > > > She stayed with her high school sweetheart (her mother thought he was unattractive, but never said so), and she married him and they had kids. He was a very kind hearted person, and his family was a joy to be around, so their children had two healthy, loving extended families. Her marriage wasn't perfect, but it was loving, respectful and healthy. > > > > The mother understood when the daughter needed more time to herself and she did not take it personally. Her own life was very full with friends, work and hobbies. > > > > When her mother died, she was sad. > > > > Deanna > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2010 Report Share Posted January 14, 2010 Joy, this was for my new EMDR therapist. Although my posts on here can sound pretty angry and certain, like I know I received some unfair treatment, I don't sound so sure in therapy. This woman deals with PTSD and trauma patients every day, and I guess when I tell her stuff, I tend to minimize, minimize, minimize. She had pointed that out to me several times. So I'm sure the point was for me to see how things could have been if they were really, really right. Mind the gap, eh? Last night she kept asking me how it felt to write it, and I admitted to her that I didn't really connect to what I was writing at all. I totally dissociated. Of course, I wrote it at work, so i needed to not show emotion outwardly, but I don't think I felt it inwardly. Also, I couldn't write that without mentioning my father. He didn't regularly get joy from watching me get hurt or humiliated like my nada did. However, anger is the only emotion he's ever been comfortable with. He regularly yelled at me for such transgressions as knocking on the bedroom door because the cat wanted in. In my family, I was either getting yelled at or I was invisible. When I was about 25, we had a family reunion, and my father had organized it. He got up in front of over 100 people, with a mic, and went on about his son with the 2 college degrees (he named the degrees), and his lovely wife (her name and how great she was), and their grandchild. Then he changed the subject. I was not even a thought in his head. I was not even a *thought* in his head. He called a couple days later to apologize, and I appreciated it. The apology didn't change the truth, though, which was that in his moment of expressing joy over his wonderful kids, he seemed to forget that he had 2 of them. So I think putting it all together, and not just focusing on my nada, who I really believe is mentally ill, but saying that I got robbed all the way around, maybe that's more than I'm ready to deal with right now. Deanna > > > Deanna, > > Thank you for writing this. It was wonderful to read. I am curious what the intent of the exercise was? I have not seen this type of exercise in books nor heard of it through my past therapy. > > -Joy > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2010 Report Share Posted January 14, 2010 Hi Deanna, I understand what you mean about feeling " robbed " all the way around. It just wasn't my Nada for me, either. It's interesting that I am reading your post about this, and I just discovered through meditation this morning just how much it was my FOO. Especially my grandmother--but it was my one of my Uncles, also. My sisters joined in Nada's quest to (what if felt to me) crush my spirit in many different ways. It was horrible. I think I am able to connect with it more now, and some uncomfortable feelings came up for me today. I tried to sit with it. It was a mixture of fear and sadness. If I was storing it inside myself this whole time, it makes me wonder what else I have in there. These feelings were only from one meditation. -Joy > > > > > > Deanna, > > > > Thank you for writing this. It was wonderful to read. I am curious what the intent of the exercise was? I have not seen this type of exercise in books nor heard of it through my past therapy. > > > > -Joy > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2010 Report Share Posted January 14, 2010 If you google dysfunctional families, you'll find that even if just one member is mentally ill or alcoholic or any kind of addict, the whole family dynamic changes to compensate for them and to protect them and the family dynamic. Essentially, everyone becomes dysfunctional (including me!). My therapist's reaction to what I wrote was " you were robbed " . Deanna > > > > > > > > > Deanna, > > > > > > Thank you for writing this. It was wonderful to read. I am curious what the intent of the exercise was? I have not seen this type of exercise in books nor heard of it through my past therapy. > > > > > > -Joy > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2010 Report Share Posted January 14, 2010 Interesting! It is so true. Even if others suffered abuse at Nada's hands, the rallying around her at the first sign of " trouble " or outside intervention is astounding! Just unbelievable. -Joy > > > > > > > > > > > > Deanna, > > > > > > > > Thank you for writing this. It was wonderful to read. I am curious what the intent of the exercise was? I have not seen this type of exercise in books nor heard of it through my past therapy. > > > > > > > > -Joy > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2010 Report Share Posted January 14, 2010 And fascinating! Why did that behavior evolve, what is the survival benefit to rallying around and protecting a negative, toxic, destructive family member? It seems so counter-intuitive, and anti-survival. Are we *programmed* to rally around, support and protect The Mother / The Father, just because that individual is the head of that nuclear family unit? Does similar defensive behavior happen if the dysfunctional member is one of the children, also? I must read more about this phenomenon. It pertains to my own dysfunctional foo; dishrag dad and bpd/n-mom were a team. And I still have a maternal aunt who sends the occasional e-mail urging me to " forgive and forget " and get back in touch with n-mom, her sister. Preserve the family dynamic even at the cost of your own mental/physical health is the message. Hmmm. -Annie > > Interesting! It is so true. Even if others suffered abuse at Nada's hands, the rallying around her at the first sign of " trouble " or outside intervention is astounding! Just unbelievable. > > -Joy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2010 Report Share Posted January 14, 2010 This is especially pertinent for me. Just last week, dishrag fada called and accused me of splitting the entire family because I won't end my NC. Hello? Wasn't it the behavior of his wife and himself that split the family? No, it's because I hold grudges and don't practice forgiveness. le > > > > Interesting! It is so true. Even if others suffered abuse at Nada's hands, the rallying around her at the first sign of " trouble " or outside intervention is astounding! Just unbelievable. > > > > -Joy > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2010 Report Share Posted January 14, 2010 Hhhmm...I think that what people are doing in these situations isn't protecting the dysfunctional family member so much as protecting *themselves* from the pain of awareness...and the responsibility of having to do something with that... > > > > Interesting! It is so true. Even if others suffered abuse at Nada's hands, the rallying around her at the first sign of " trouble " or outside intervention is astounding! Just unbelievable. > > > > -Joy > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2010 Report Share Posted January 15, 2010 Annie, Joy, Jackie, Karla, Connie, , thank you all for your kind responses. It means a lot to me. Deanna > > Journal about how you and your life might have been different if your mother had loved you unconditionally. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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