Guest guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 Not me. Girls were the preference for my grannada and thereafter my nada because we could be used as pawns. I even remember hearing my aunt saying once how glad she was for her sons because they'd escaped grannada's attentions. When I was living with grannada, I was allowed to have my sister spend the night, but my brothers could only come over to spend time with grandfada. I think it really depends on the BPD. In my family, girls were mirrors for the people with BPD, and when we were younger we had the same mouldable appeal as a lump of clay: they figured we would be whatever they wanted. Boys didn't resemble them at all, and therefore were tossed aside. I haven't decided if they fared better than us girls or not... Jaimie > > I was having a conversation with someone earlier about my bpd mother > favoring me over my sister. I have read (somewhere) or completely made this up, > but I had it in my head that bpd mothers (not so much fathers) have a > tendancy to favor a boy over a girl if there are boys in the sibling group. Has > this been the same experience with you all? > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 Hi , You're right: and in a later post I amended my comment to say that the " golden child " who is all-good is also in danger of being " parentified " (parentalized?) by the nada. It sounds very much like you were " parentified " by your nada. Either situation is horrible for the child. The infantalized " pet " never becomes an adult, living a sort of half-life, almost like being mentally retarded (sorry, maybe one of you can tell me the current politically correct terminology I should use) and never able to achieve independence, love or marriage. Whereas the " parentified " child never got to be a child, and feels the heavy yoke of life-long responsibility to put her parent's care and well-being first, sacrificing her own needs to serve the parents'. They're both horrible things to do to one's child. -Annie > > > > Your middle sister has been designated the " golden child " in your family, then. That means that your bpd-mom identifies with this particular daughter as representing the most beloved aspects of her own self. YOur mother is overly enmeshed with this daughter, and is infantilizing her. You're right, " golden children " are frequently in danger of never maturing into a full-fledged adults, and in danger of spending their lives as mother's " pet " : as dependent emotionally and financially on " mommy " as a child would be. > > > Annie, I would add a contrasting opinion to yours that the golden-child stay as pet. As the golden child I was forced to grow up and become a therapist/emotional-caretaker for my nada immediately. I was pushed toward working to pay for my expenses at age 13 and later as an adult pressured to be financially responsible for any difficulty my nada fell into. I feel an irrational envy in fact of people who are allowed to stay " pets " in the eyes of their parents. I will say there was, and unfortunately is, a horrible degree of enmeshment between me and my nada. I fight it but it is relentless. But it's result is that to make me feel that her needs are my needs so I must take care of them, her disasters are my disasters so it falls to me....it is a brainwashing I must try constantly to fight. It has become more challenging since her disasters now are elderly/health related and my culture believes that indeed her disasters should be mine now. Very hard to draw the line for me. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 , I feel for your struggle as it is also where I am at. To let go of the role of Mother to Nada is very difficult. Lucky for me she is not at that stage yet of being elderly as you are with your Nada. I am Australian and I think all cultures still have that " But she's your Mother " mentality. I also realise it is alot stronger in some other cultures. I am hoping I am going to be able to handle her aging and sickness when and if the need arises when I am in a better personal place. I quoted in another message " it is like cutting the umbilical cord " . Having been co-dependent with Nada led to many years of other unhealthy relationships in my life where I become the supporter and rescuer. Being aware and healthier now I look for the positives of my journey and I think learning a supporters role early in life allows for compassion to others and a wonderful caring heart. We just had to learn boundries big time. I hope you are going ok and today finds you in a happy place. Kazam > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2010 Report Share Posted January 14, 2010 Hi Kazam, it's wonderful you are doing the work now before your nada becomes ill. You may be able to get better patterns in place for when the time comes...the end of life is like some sort of nada superbowl. Everything becomes more intense, more highlighted, it's the " endgame " literally. But back to the day-to-day I am proud of myself because I've managed to keep private from her an ongoing crisis with one of my pets this past week, it's helped hugely not to have to deal with all her " off " reactions. Thanks for the well wishes, today's been alright...I hope you have a great day too. > > > > , > I feel for your struggle as it is also where I am at. To let go of the role of Mother to Nada is very difficult. Lucky for me she is not at that stage yet of being elderly as you are with your Nada. I am Australian and I think all cultures still have that " But she's your Mother " mentality. > > I also realise it is alot stronger in some other cultures. I am hoping I am going to be able to handle her aging and sickness when and if the need arises when I am in a better personal place. > > I quoted in another message " it is like cutting the umbilical cord " . Having been co-dependent with Nada led to many years of other unhealthy relationships in my life where I become the supporter and rescuer. > Being aware and healthier now I look for the positives of my journey and I think learning a supporters role early in life allows for compassion to others and a wonderful caring heart. We just had to learn boundries big time. > I hope you are going ok and today finds you in a happy place. > Kazam > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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