Re: A favored child

[Guest guest]

yes

>

> I was having a conversation with someone earlier about my bpd mother

> favoring me over my sister. I have read (somewhere) or completely made this

up,

> but I had it in my head that bpd mothers (not so much fathers) have a

> tendancy to favor a boy over a girl if there are boys in the sibling group.

Has

> this been the same experience with you all?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I dont know if this is always true, but it did happen this way in my family.

My oldest brother was the golden child..there were 2 boys and 3 girls

born..nada didnt seem to like any of the girls that much..so both boys were

favored over us, then she liked my one sister best of the girls, then my

oldest sister, then me...

Jackie

I was having a conversation with someone earlier about my bpd mother

favoring me over my sister. I have read (somewhere) or completely made this

up,

but I had it in my head that bpd mothers (not so much fathers) have a

tendancy to favor a boy over a girl if there are boys in the sibling group.

Has

this been the same experience with you all?

[Guest guest]

My grandmother was like this too. My sister and I are the only siblings, so

my mother didnt have a boy to favor, so she tended to baby me, which I

guess would be favoring somewhat. If my sister and I fought and I hit her, I

was allowed to but she wasn't allowed to hit me back. I just remember my

mother always telling her, " you're older, you know better! " Then when mother's

day came and I was in the trauma hospital, she kind of treated my sister

bad because I couldn't be there. My sister came to see her and brought her a

gift, but apparently whined the whole time because I wasn't there. On the

other hand, my dad always favored my sister! Soooo dysfunctional.

In a message dated 1/6/2010 3:13:46 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

hellfireblonde99@... writes:

Yep, my two older brothers were definitely favoured overall (I am the only

girl and youngest child). I was ignored mostly and expected to put up and

shut up. Strangely, nada split the two older brothers, the eldest was golden

and the middle brother was split black. Yet all of her attentions and

efforts, negative or positive went to the boys..... only the boys.

It was the same in nada's FOO when she grew up, nada always seethed about

that. She spoke often about her resentment of how women were treated in her

culture. Yet she perpetuated the dysfunction right on down the line to her

own offspring. I wish nada would have put us up for adoption instead.

[Guest guest]

My mother was the opposite. She couldn't stand the boys and definitely favored

the girls.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wed, January 6, 2010 10:10:54 AM

Subject: A favored child

I was having a conversation with someone earlier about my bpd mother

favoring me over my sister. I have read (somewhere) or completely made this up,

but I had it in my head that bpd mothers (not so much fathers) have a

tendancy to favor a boy over a girl if there are boys in the sibling group. Has

this been the same experience with you all?

[Guest guest]

My mom favors not only my older brother, but also my deceased sister's husband

(even though

my sister complained about him and things he did for their entire marriage) ;

she basically favors

any male that gives her the 'right' kind of attention.

~patricia

A favored child

I was having a conversation with someone earlier about my bpd mother

favoring me over my sister. I have read (somewhere) or completely made this

up,

but I had it in my head that bpd mothers (not so much fathers) have a

tendancy to favor a boy over a girl if there are boys in the sibling group.

Has

this been the same experience with you all?

[Guest guest]

I have two stepbrothers (much younger) and they were both golden. The older of

the two married a young lady nada and step fada did not like and he became

mostly black. I have always been a problem, nothing I do is right, very little

contact with nada's family while growing up. I have reached out as an adult and

found that nada had totally brainwashed the family about me (and this is still

going strong).

May we all heal

>

> I was having a conversation with someone earlier about my bpd mother

> favoring me over my sister. I have read (somewhere) or completely made this

up,

> but I had it in my head that bpd mothers (not so much fathers) have a

> tendancy to favor a boy over a girl if there are boys in the sibling group.

Has

> this been the same experience with you all?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My oldest brother was the golden child, and both of my brothers were definitely

favored over my sister and I.

>

> I was having a conversation with someone earlier about my bpd mother

> favoring me over my sister. I have read (somewhere) or completely made this

up,

> but I had it in my head that bpd mothers (not so much fathers) have a

> tendancy to favor a boy over a girl if there are boys in the sibling group.

Has

> this been the same experience with you all?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yep, my two older brothers were definitely favoured overall (I am the only girl

and youngest child). I was ignored mostly and expected to put up and shut up.

Strangely, nada split the two older brothers, the eldest was golden and the

middle brother was split black. Yet all of her attentions and efforts, negative

or positive went to the boys..... only the boys.

It was the same in nada's FOO when she grew up, nada always seethed about that.

She spoke often about her resentment of how women were treated in her culture.

Yet she perpetuated the dysfunction right on down the line to her own offspring.

I wish nada would have put us up for adoption instead.

[Guest guest]

Connie~ I appreciate the way you sign your emails: May we all heal. It is a

simple but powerful blessing, thanks~

~patricia

Re: A favored child

I have two stepbrothers (much younger) and they were both golden. The older

of the two married a young lady nada and step fada did not like and he became

mostly black. I have always been a problem, nothing I do is right, very little

contact with nada's family while growing up. I have reached out as an adult and

found that nada had totally brainwashed the family about me (and this is still

going strong).

May we all heal

>

> I was having a conversation with someone earlier about my bpd mother

> favoring me over my sister. I have read (somewhere) or completely made this

up,

> but I had it in my head that bpd mothers (not so much fathers) have a

> tendancy to favor a boy over a girl if there are boys in the sibling group.

Has

> this been the same experience with you all?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

2 children. I'm the eldest and the Golden Child (LC). Brother(NC) 3 years

younger the Scape Goat. I was wondering whether there was anything to do with

the birth order. Being first born to Nada at a young age I was trained to be

Her MOTHER.

Just had a major break through at xmas. Confronted her with this and she

answered yes to me being her mother figure all these years (40). I Asked her if

I could be let off the hook because I am over it completely. She said

begrudgingly YES!

Boy do I feel a sense of FREEDOM that I have never felt before. Also for

getting all the anger and stored up resentment out that I was never brave enough

to say all these years. Mind you I have tried in different ways many times.

I just couldn't be Golden anymore. It felt like living a lie. That is exactly

what I told her. " I can't pretend " . The relationship works for her but was

destroying me.

Kazam x

[Guest guest]

Wow, this is pretty brave; I don't think I could say something like this. My

sister would have though.

Your statement: I just couldn't be Golden anymore...sounds like poetry

~patricia

Re: A favored child

2 children. I'm the eldest and the Golden Child (LC). Brother(NC) 3 years

younger the Scape Goat. I was wondering whether there was anything to do with

the birth order. Being first born to Nada at a young age I was trained to be

Her MOTHER.

Just had a major break through at xmas. Confronted her with this and she

answered yes to me being her mother figure all these years (40). I Asked her if

I could be let off the hook because I am over it completely. She said

begrudgingly YES!

Boy do I feel a sense of FREEDOM that I have never felt before. Also for

getting all the anger and stored up resentment out that I was never brave enough

to say all these years. Mind you I have tried in different ways many times.

I just couldn't be Golden anymore. It felt like living a lie. That is

exactly what I told her. " I can't pretend " . The relationship works for her

but was destroying me.

Kazam x

------------------------------------

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

When we were kids, my younger brother was mostly the " good " child and I was the

" problem " child - particularly as teenagers (my childhood memories are blurry).

Occasionally we would switch, but not for long periods. She definitely favored

him and saw me as a threat. Over time we figured out that only one of us can be

on " the sh*t-list " at a time :-), so we've taken turns. I was on the " good "

list for a couple of years, while my brother and SIL were evil. After a few

months of both of us being NC with nada, she is currently testing to see which

of us will get off " the sh*t-list " . My brother has decided it's his turn, so he

is back in contact with nada, which doesn't surprise me one bit. My SIL is not

happy about this at all. They are both completely aware that nada will try to

split them, so my brother is being cautious.

It is always GOOD vs. EVIL and BLACK vs. WHITE with my nada.

-

>

> Wow, this is pretty brave; I don't think I could say something like this. My

sister would have though.

> Your statement: I just couldn't be Golden anymore...sounds like poetry

> ~patricia

> Re: A favored child

>

>

>

>

> 2 children. I'm the eldest and the Golden Child (LC). Brother(NC) 3 years

younger the Scape Goat. I was wondering whether there was anything to do with

the birth order. Being first born to Nada at a young age I was trained to be

Her MOTHER.

> Just had a major break through at xmas. Confronted her with this and she

answered yes to me being her mother figure all these years (40). I Asked her if

I could be let off the hook because I am over it completely. She said

begrudgingly YES!

> Boy do I feel a sense of FREEDOM that I have never felt before. Also for

getting all the anger and stored up resentment out that I was never brave enough

to say all these years. Mind you I have tried in different ways many times.

> I just couldn't be Golden anymore. It felt like living a lie. That is

exactly what I told her. " I can't pretend " . The relationship works for her

but was destroying me.

> Kazam x

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @... SEND HER

ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE

and the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

This is stunning to me Kazam - that was super-courageous. I am the Golden Child

also, and I cannot imagine even in my wildest dreams my mother ever admitting

that she set me up as mother to her from childhood up to the present. She has a

terribly hard time acknowledging the caretaking I have done - acts as if I've

just chosen to do those things out of generosity rather than to save her from

her consequences or as a condition of the relationship itself. What would you

have done if your mother had said " no " when you asked to be free of this role?

Would you have felt the same since of freedom if you had just declared you no

longer wanted it?

Has you mother done any therapy work that helped her to be honest about what was

happening?

>

>

>

> 2 children. I'm the eldest and the Golden Child (LC). Brother(NC) 3 years

younger the Scape Goat. I was wondering whether there was anything to do with

the birth order. Being first born to Nada at a young age I was trained to be

Her MOTHER.

> Just had a major break through at xmas. Confronted her with this and she

answered yes to me being her mother figure all these years (40). I Asked her if

I could be let off the hook because I am over it completely. She said

begrudgingly YES!

> Boy do I feel a sense of FREEDOM that I have never felt before. Also for

getting all the anger and stored up resentment out that I was never brave enough

to say all these years. Mind you I have tried in different ways many times.

> I just couldn't be Golden anymore. It felt like living a lie. That is

exactly what I told her. " I can't pretend " . The relationship works for her

but was destroying me.

> Kazam x

>

[Guest guest]

I don't know what I would have done. That might of been harder of course if she

denied it. It was my truth though and I would of still been telling her that I

set myself free. (Boundries) Her yes was very sarcastic and so there would be a

guilt there I could attach myself to but didn't. She also punished me for saying

what I did with silent treatment and her depression next day. I know she will

not hold me and hug me and say sorry for the hurt I feel. So in a way she still

hasn't taken any responsibility and thinks that I am the unloving daughter. I

also told her I couldn't feel sorry for her anymore.

She hasn't had any therapy. I said it at a time that it was so obvious though.

She has spent/gambled all her money from the sale of my grandparents house and

is about to move again somewhere cheaper with someone she barely knows. She

couldn't deny the situation. I believe even people with BPD deep down know there

is something wrong but denial is easier.

Numerous broken relationships, no money, family abandonment, number of broken

freindships, lost jobs feeling depressed and lost all the time. She does blame

everyone else and never taken responsibility for change though. She also told

me she will never change. This in itself gives me freedom too. I can let go of

the hope and like I told her it is her life and she can live it how she chooses

but I wont be there anymore to listen support and pick up the pieces.

That is Freedom. Not being emotionally connected. We can go LC or NC but the

pain can stay. I really had to get to a stage brave enough to LET GO of

everything. I only have one life and the first half was so affected by her that

I am not allowing the second chapter to be.

When I found myself feeling guilt sadness and wanting to fix her I would

visualise myself attached to her umbilical cord and then I would cut it and let

her float away into the air. Sounds strange but hey what ever works.

Kazam x

[Guest guest]

I'm one of three girls, so I can't answer that, but I'll tell you that my mother

treats one sister very differently from the other two of us. When something

unfortunate happens to the middle sister, she's a victim. If it happens to my

oldest sister or me, it's our fault. She has enabled my middle sister so much

that she (sister) has a hard time functioning as an adult.

>

> I was having a conversation with someone earlier about my bpd mother

> favoring me over my sister. I have read (somewhere) or completely made this

up,

> but I had it in my head that bpd mothers (not so much fathers) have a

> tendancy to favor a boy over a girl if there are boys in the sibling group.

Has

> this been the same experience with you all?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Your middle sister has been designated the " golden child " in your family, then.

That means that your bpd-mom identifies with this particular daughter as

representing the most beloved aspects of her own self. YOur mother is overly

enmeshed with this daughter, and is infantilizing her. You're right, " golden

children " are frequently in danger of never maturing into a full-fledged adults,

and in danger of spending their lives as mother's " pet " : as dependent

emotionally and financially on " mommy " as a child would be.

I'm making a guess: is your bpd-mom a middle daughter?

Its a very destructive pattern of behavior that Cluster B personality disordered

mothers in particular seem to exhibit very frequently here at this Group; in

fact, I can't think of one poster here offhand who has not been assigned some

" role " or other by their bpd parent, such as " all-good/golden child " , or

" all-bad/scapegoat " or " lost/nonexistent " child, or " substitute husband/wife " ,

or " substitute daddy/mommy. "

I don't think that bpd/Cluster B parents are actually *capable* of relating to

their children as individual, unique human beings. I think they are only able

to relate to other human beings as sterotypes, and in a very superficial way.

So they assign a role to each child (or in some cases, they switch their

child(ren) back and forth into different roles depending on the bpd's feelings

at the moment) and then force the child to fit the bpd's idea of what that role

is and how it should be played. That seems to account for my nada's propensity

to tell me what I liked or didn't like, tell me when I was hungry or full, tell

me that I meant something entirely different than what I intended to communicate

to her, etc., etc.

Maybe my mother was " writing " me; I was a character to her, not a real, living

person with my own individual thoughts, needs, and feelings.

Or, I was just a blank screen to her on which she projected her own inner storms

and impulses. In either case, I can only conclude that my existence as a

separate and unique human being was not registering with my nada.

The result is much the same as being ignored, emotionally abandoned or rejected,

but in a much more destructively surrealistic, bizarre way, in my opinion.

I think maybe that's why a particular scene in a movie I saw as a child riveted

me and triggered me to tears. Its from " A Little Princess. " The little girl

has finally found her missing and presumed dead father in a hospital; he

has a head trauma and amnesia, and does not recognize his child. The little

girl is at first beside herself with relief and keeps hugging her father and

trying to elicit a response from him, but he doesn't know her and only keeps

mumbling, " Where is ? Where is my little girl? " The child panics, and

finally shakes her father, crying hysterically, " I'M ! I'M !! " This

film story had a happy ending; the father finally " wakes up " and recognizes his

child again.

I don't think my nada is or was ever capable of " waking up. "

-Annie

>

> I'm one of three girls, so I can't answer that, but I'll tell you that my

mother treats one sister very differently from the other two of us. When

something unfortunate happens to the middle sister, she's a victim. If it

happens to my oldest sister or me, it's our fault. She has enabled my middle

sister so much that she (sister) has a hard time functioning as an adult.

>

[Guest guest]

Fascinating post - thank you. Nada has designated me the " smart/ strong/ lucky "

one. She'll said glowingly how smart, wonderful, and capable " I am (it always

makes me cringe because it's so over-the-top and weird). But because I am

supposedly these things, I don't need her to be emotionally supportive, in her

mind. She also can't relate to me. When I tried to reason with her as a child,

she said venomously " You're so 'rational.' Just like your father. " (They're

divorced).

My sister, the golden child, is the sensitive, victimized, lonely, wounded

one...just like Nada thinks she is. Now she's a single mom, just like Nada was,

so it has intensified.

You are so right about how they re-write who you are and how you feel. I'm

wondering if there's any possible way to communicate this with Nada without

having an argument. Last time, I lost my temper and just said " She's your

favorite, you treat her like a baby, and it's disgusting! " Oops. Pregnancy

hormones, I guess.

> >

> > I'm one of three girls, so I can't answer that, but I'll tell you that my

mother treats one sister very differently from the other two of us. When

something unfortunate happens to the middle sister, she's a victim. If it

happens to my oldest sister or me, it's our fault. She has enabled my middle

sister so much that she (sister) has a hard time functioning as an adult.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

OK that seriously made me laugh out loud!

Deanna

>

When I tried to reason with her as a child, she said venomously " You're so

'rational.' Just like your father. " (They're divorced).

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie,

I was interested in what you wrote and as a Golden Child I feel I am the

complete opposite of the description you gave of being " dependent emotionally

and financially on Mommy " and never growing becoming a fully evolved adult. I

know you said they are in danger of this but there is another side too that we

take on.

It made me stand on my own two feet from a very early age as I was trained to

be the mother to Nada. I supported her from a very early age emotionally and

moved out of home very early to defend on my own as I resented the role I was

forced to play.

Being the Golden Child for me has led to alot of guilt going LC as I know all

the attention I get when I am being the perfect daughter and meeting her needs.

Unfortunately you get to a stage in your life that you can't pretend anymore it

is ok and are so drained that you have to set yourself free. The relationship

meets her needs only.

So just wanted to let you know my side of being a Golden Child. I grew up very

early and very responsible to be Nada's everything. Boy does it feel good to

finally break away from this resposibility.

The only way I could do it was being brave enough to know I didn't need the

relationship as it is and everything I have done over the years wont CHANGE her.

I couldn't live on HOPE anymore. It was ok to have my daughter without her

grandmother active in her life.

Kazam

> >

> > I'm one of three girls, so I can't answer that, but I'll tell you that my

mother treats one sister very differently from the other two of us. When

something unfortunate happens to the middle sister, she's a victim. If it

happens to my oldest sister or me, it's our fault. She has enabled my middle

sister so much that she (sister) has a hard time functioning as an adult.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You're right Kazam; I should have written that the " golden child " is the child

who is designated " all good " , and is in danger of *either* being infantilized:

kept dependent, weak, docile and ignorant,

*or*

parentalized: given adult-level feeling of responsibility for nada's happiness

and well-being, as though the child is the parent.

So, you were parentalized (or parentified); I'm sorry you had to endure that.

That is just as abusive as infantilizing; it sabotages the child's ability to

just be a carefree child, to explore various interests, to try things and make

mistakes, and to discover with an adult's guidance and protection who she is as

a unique human being. Instead it saddles the child with adult cares, worries

and even dangers that the child can't even understand, let alone manage.

I'm glad for you that you were able to break free of that role and are providing

a mentally healthy and appropriate parenting experience for your own child; that

takes a lot of courage and strength of character.

-Annie

>

> Hi Annie,

> I was interested in what you wrote and as a Golden Child I feel I am the

complete opposite of the description you gave of being " dependent emotionally

and financially on Mommy " and never growing becoming a fully evolved adult. I

know you said they are in danger of this but there is another side too that we

take on.

> It made me stand on my own two feet from a very early age as I was trained

to be the mother to Nada. I supported her from a very early age emotionally and

moved out of home very early to defend on my own as I resented the role I was

forced to play.

>

> Being the Golden Child for me has led to alot of guilt going LC as I know all

the attention I get when I am being the perfect daughter and meeting her needs.

Unfortunately you get to a stage in your life that you can't pretend anymore it

is ok and are so drained that you have to set yourself free. The relationship

meets her needs only.

>

> So just wanted to let you know my side of being a Golden Child. I grew up

very early and very responsible to be Nada's everything. Boy does it feel good

to finally break away from this resposibility.

> The only way I could do it was being brave enough to know I didn't need the

relationship as it is and everything I have done over the years wont CHANGE her.

I couldn't live on HOPE anymore. It was ok to have my daughter without her

grandmother active in her life.

> Kazam

>

[Guest guest]

>

> >

> Thank-you Annie for clarifying that. It hit a bit of a nerve for me and I felt

srongly about sharing how it was for me as a Golden Child.

It has been a long road as it has for all of us no matter what role we were

given by Nada.

I was interested to hear from others that had the Golden Child role and how

it was for them. That is what I love about this group. The freedom to say how

it is and others to be sympathetic to each others journeys.

Kazam

[Guest guest]

Hi FMCT,

It is understandable to have slipups from time to time when dealing with a bpd

person. After all, it IS not a " normal " state for a human to be.

It is like an emotionally stunted person (or a 2 or 3 year old maturity level in

a fully developed (in other mental capacities) of an adult child.

Sometimes I lose light of this fact and scold myself with, " oh you should have

done this or that better now you really goofed up. "

At least you were " real " . Just hope it doesn't cause too much repercussions for

you.

-Joy

> > >

> > > I'm one of three girls, so I can't answer that, but I'll tell you that my

mother treats one sister very differently from the other two of us. When

something unfortunate happens to the middle sister, she's a victim. If it

happens to my oldest sister or me, it's our fault. She has enabled my middle

sister so much that she (sister) has a hard time functioning as an adult.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

my oldest brother was the perfect one...and he was independent, had a great

job, made a lot of money..he was the only one encouraged...my oldest sister

is the " goof up " and even though she'll be 62 next month, nada still

supports her...the longest she's ever held a job is for 2 years.. she has a

4 year college degree in fine arts...

Jackie

Hi Annie,

I was interested in what you wrote and as a Golden Child I feel I am the

complete opposite of the description you gave of being " dependent

emotionally and financially on Mommy " and never growing becoming a fully

evolved adult. I know you said they are in danger of this but there is

another side too that we take on.

It made me stand on my own two feet from a very early age as I was trained

to be the mother to Nada. I supported her from a very early age emotionally

and moved out of home very early to defend on my own as I resented the role

I was forced to play.

Being the Golden Child for me has led to alot of guilt going LC as I know

all the attention I get when I am being the perfect daughter and meeting her

needs. Unfortunately you get to a stage in your life that you can't pretend

anymore it is ok and are so drained that you have to set yourself free. The

relationship meets her needs only.

So just wanted to let you know my side of being a Golden Child. I grew up

very early and very responsible to be Nada's everything. Boy does it feel

good to finally break away from this resposibility.

The only way I could do it was being brave enough to know I didn't need the

relationship as it is and everything I have done over the years wont CHANGE

her. I couldn't live on HOPE anymore. It was ok to have my daughter

without her grandmother active in her life.

Kazam

[Guest guest]

Wow, I didn't know that the " golden child " is most often the child that a bpd

parent identifies with...or at least, identifies the beloved aspects of herself

with. I was the scapegoated one/painted black...I was also a parentified child,

and she often treated me like a spouse/partner type that she vented her daily

frustrations too. A truly crazy-making position!: " let me dump all my negative

feelings on you through blame and shame, but you had BETTER be there to clean up

my mess... " Looking back, I can see how twisted her way of relating to me, and

my sisters (including the golden one and my middle sister (possibly the

non-existent one) truly is. sighs. It makes me wonder sometimes what was it

about me...although it doesn't matter.

I now need to address my own issues towards my healing. The only good thing I

can think of about the scapegoating position was that if I had stayed in this

role, I would have died I think. Or felt like it. It forced me awake to what was

truly happening. It got to the point where there was just no room for me

anymore...as if there had been in the first place??

-Joy

> >

> > I'm one of three girls, so I can't answer that, but I'll tell you that my

mother treats one sister very differently from the other two of us. When

something unfortunate happens to the middle sister, she's a victim. If it

happens to my oldest sister or me, it's our fault. She has enabled my middle

sister so much that she (sister) has a hard time functioning as an adult.

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[Guest guest]

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> Your middle sister has been designated the " golden child " in your family,

then. That means that your bpd-mom identifies with this particular daughter as

representing the most beloved aspects of her own self. YOur mother is overly

enmeshed with this daughter, and is infantilizing her. You're right, " golden

children " are frequently in danger of never maturing into a full-fledged adults,

and in danger of spending their lives as mother's " pet " : as dependent

emotionally and financially on " mommy " as a child would be.

Annie, I would add a contrasting opinion to yours that the golden-child stay as

pet. As the golden child I was forced to grow up and become a

therapist/emotional-caretaker for my nada immediately. I was pushed toward

working to pay for my expenses at age 13 and later as an adult pressured to be

financially responsible for any difficulty my nada fell into. I feel an

irrational envy in fact of people who are allowed to stay " pets " in the eyes of

their parents. I will say there was, and unfortunately is, a horrible degree

of enmeshment between me and my nada. I fight it but it is relentless. But

it's result is that to make me feel that her needs are my needs so I must take

care of them, her disasters are my disasters so it falls to me....it is a

brainwashing I must try constantly to fight. It has become more challenging

since her disasters now are elderly/health related and my culture believes that

indeed her disasters should be mine now. Very hard to draw the line for me.