One child favored

[Guest guest]

I think you said it all right there. It has nothing to do with you. It's

about them and their issues and that's one thing that is really hard to get

for me....I think we grow up trying to fit into the mold that we can never

fit into and we end up blaming ourselves and turning everything inward

thinking their behavior is our fault. I STILL have trouble with that -- and

guilt now that she is dead.

In a message dated 12/30/2009 2:36:13 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

ashanamax@... writes:

Bpds regularly treat others like others don't matter. Just because your

mother is acting like you don't matter, doesn't mean that it's true. You do

matter. It's just that the real world doesn't really exist for her and

everything is horribly, horribly distorted for her. It has nothing to do

with you.

Take care,

Ashana

The INTERNET now has a personality. YOURS! See your Yahoo! Homepage.

_http://in.yahoo.http_ (http://in.yahoo.com/)

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[Guest guest]

My BPD mother has been really hurting me lately by favoring my sister, enabling

her, and acting like my sister is a wounded bird. My sister and I both have

young sons (2 and 3), and it's at a new, painful level as she talks about them

all the time, spends time with them, but doesn't make herself available for us.

Christmas and holidays are becoming an even more tough time for us as she runs

to my sister, who is now a single mom (and has some Borderline traits), as

though she is a charity case. I'm treated with jealousy b/c I have a great

husband, and am about to have another baby. Because I have those things, I

can't have any fraction of my mother. Yes, I've been to therapy, but it really

hurts anyway.

[Guest guest]

of course it hurts !!! You're being rejected by your mother !! I'm sorry

you have to go through this. Parents with BPD do NOT treat their children

equally! It's not fair. It's also NOT your fault she's doing this...

Jackie

My BPD mother has been really hurting me lately by favoring my sister,

enabling her, and acting like my sister is a wounded bird. My sister and I

both have young sons (2 and 3), and it's at a new, painful level as she

talks about them all the time, spends time with them, but doesn't make

herself available for us. Christmas and holidays are becoming an even more

tough time for us as she runs to my sister, who is now a single mom (and has

some Borderline traits), as though she is a charity case. I'm treated with

jealousy b/c I have a great husband, and am about to have another baby.

Because I have those things, I can't have any fraction of my mother. Yes,

I've been to therapy, but it really hurts anyway.

[Guest guest]

I agree, favoring one child over their other children is a truly horrible,

devastating and damaging thing that personality-disordered parents do. Making

one child the " golden child " and the other the " scapegoat " child or the

" invisible " child can permanently alter their offspring's ability to bond with

each other, it generates so much jealousy and rivalry between the sibs. Being

designated the family scapegoat can ravage and impact an individual's sense of

self-esteem and self-worth well into adulthood.

Its " anti-parenting " . Cluster B pd individuals are anti-parents; they so often

do more harm than good.

-Annie

>

> My BPD mother has been really hurting me lately by favoring my sister,

enabling her, and acting like my sister is a wounded bird. My sister and I both

have young sons (2 and 3), and it's at a new, painful level as she talks about

them all the time, spends time with them, but doesn't make herself available for

us. Christmas and holidays are becoming an even more tough time for us as she

runs to my sister, who is now a single mom (and has some Borderline traits), as

though she is a charity case. I'm treated with jealousy b/c I have a great

husband, and am about to have another baby. Because I have those things, I

can't have any fraction of my mother. Yes, I've been to therapy, but it really

hurts anyway.

>

[Guest guest]

Bpds regularly treat others like others don't matter.  Just because your mother

is acting like you don't matter, doesn't mean that it's true.  You do matter. 

It's just that the real world doesn't really exist for her and everything is

horribly, horribly distorted for her.  It has nothing to do with you.

Take care,

Ashana

The INTERNET now has a personality. YOURS! See your Yahoo! Homepage.

http://in.yahoo.com/

[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone. My Nada goes so far as to say that she and my sister have

talked and I'm the one guilty of the bad behavior. So not only does she favor

and baby her, she conspires with her, apparently.

She also will find the sore spot in my life and dig into it. She knows my

in-laws are difficult and crazy, so she spends an hour with them once a year,

then comes away from it telling me how mean and disrespectful I am of them. She

knows I try to have a relationship with them in spite of their behavior and that

I'm respectful, so I think she only says this to hurt me. Some mother. It's a

wonder I'm not in a nut house, as opposed to being in a happy marriage with 2

kids and lots of friends.

>

> I think you said it all right there. It has nothing to do with you. It's

> about them and their issues and that's one thing that is really hard to get

> for me....I think we grow up trying to fit into the mold that we can never

> fit into and we end up blaming ourselves and turning everything inward

> thinking their behavior is our fault. I STILL have trouble with that -- and

> guilt now that she is dead.

>

>

>

>

> In a message dated 12/30/2009 2:36:13 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

> ashanamax@... writes:

>

>

>

>

> Bpds regularly treat others like others don't matter. Just because your

> mother is acting like you don't matter, doesn't mean that it's true. You do

> matter. It's just that the real world doesn't really exist for her and

> everything is horribly, horribly distorted for her. It has nothing to do

> with you.

>

> Take care,

> Ashana

>

> The INTERNET now has a personality. YOURS! See your Yahoo! Homepage.

> _http://in.yahoo.http_ (http://in.yahoo.com/)

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

or you nada may be lying and hasn't spoken about this with your sister...my

nada made things up, and once I started asking my sister if she really said

that...we both got a realization that there are no limitations to nada lies

and manipulations..I know you've stated that your sister in enmeshed with

your nada, so maybe they did discuss this...

yes, they do seem to be able to seek out the sore spot in our lives, and dig

in like a screw worm...

Jackie

Thanks everyone. My Nada goes so far as to say that she and my sister have

talked and I'm the one guilty of the bad behavior. So not only does she

favor and baby her, she conspires with her, apparently.

She also will find the sore spot in my life and dig into it. She knows my

in-laws are difficult and crazy, so she spends an hour with them once a

year, then comes away from it telling me how mean and disrespectful I am of

them. She knows I try to have a relationship with them in spite of their

behavior and that I'm respectful, so I think she only says this to hurt me.

Some mother. It's a wonder I'm not in a nut house, as opposed to being in a

happy marriage with 2 kids and lots of friends.

[Guest guest]

Wow, Annie..I never thought of it that way. Your last line really struck a cord

with me:

" I guess the trick is to realize that you are truly the winner; on their very

best day ever, neither your nada nor your bpd-sister nor your toxic in-laws can

never be as genuinely joyful and blessedly peaceful and sane as you are. "

So true...

Joy

> >

> > Thanks everyone. My Nada goes so far as to say that she and my sister have

talked and I'm the one guilty of the bad behavior. So not only does she favor

and baby her, she conspires with her, apparently.

> >

> > She also will find the sore spot in my life and dig into it. She knows my

in-laws are difficult and crazy, so she spends an hour with them once a year,

then comes away from it telling me how mean and disrespectful I am of them. She

knows I try to have a relationship with them in spite of their behavior and that

I'm respectful, so I think she only says this to hurt me. Some mother. It's a

wonder I'm not in a nut house, as opposed to being in a happy marriage with 2

kids and lots of friends.

>

[Guest guest]

I have been watching my BPD ex-husband do this to my two sons. I guess I never

realized how damaging and confusing it is until I saw it come out at my

children. It helped me see how much I was abused and confused by this type of

behavior. I also realized how much the BP works to pit the children against one

another. It is too sick to really see, since it goes COMPLETELY counter to how

nons treat their children.

What am I trying to say? This is a big deal. This really is crazy-making at

its worst. Using the natural bond of siblings against people is extremely

damaging and confusing to the hilt. I never saw just how much pain I went

through when my mother favored my sister until I saw it up close and personal in

my sons.

Of course your hurt. Let me validate for you as well that this is a really big

deal.

And let me join the chorus: You are more than incredible for being who you are.

You win. You came out on top. You cared enough and were strong enough to do it

differently. Who your mother says you are has nothing to do with who you really

are.

I applaud you.

>

> My BPD mother has been really hurting me lately by favoring my sister,

enabling her, and acting like my sister is a wounded bird. My sister and I both

have young sons (2 and 3), and it's at a new, painful level as she talks about

them all the time, spends time with them, but doesn't make herself available for

us. Christmas and holidays are becoming an even more tough time for us as she

runs to my sister, who is now a single mom (and has some Borderline traits), as

though she is a charity case. I'm treated with jealousy b/c I have a great

husband, and am about to have another baby. Because I have those things, I

can't have any fraction of my mother. Yes, I've been to therapy, but it really

hurts anyway.

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, that is such a damaging thing for your ex to do to your children. Is there

some way you can have a talk with your ex about it? Maybe if he knows that

you're aware of it and that its hurting his kids he will make the effort to

consciously stop doing it.

Perhaps you could have a talk with your boys to explain to them that you've

noticed that their dad treats them differently and you're going to speak with

him about it because its not an OK thing for their dad to do. They must be

feeling the impact of this kind of treatment and possibly are already damaged by

it.

It is a form of emotional abuse, definitely.

Turning one child into the " golden boy " (praise and rewards for little or no

reason, few if any consequences ever for bad behavior, etc.) and the other into

the " scapegoat " (no achievement is ever praised, blamed and punished for bad

things he didn't do, etc.) are both very toxic because its treating the child as

a symbol or an object, not as an authentic individual human being.

The favoritism inflicted by their father indeed does have the potential to warp

and destroy their emotional development, and their love for each other.

-Annie

> >

> > My BPD mother has been really hurting me lately by favoring my sister,

enabling her, and acting like my sister is a wounded bird. My sister and I both

have young sons (2 and 3), and it's at a new, painful level as she talks about

them all the time, spends time with them, but doesn't make herself available for

us. Christmas and holidays are becoming an even more tough time for us as she

runs to my sister, who is now a single mom (and has some Borderline traits), as

though she is a charity case. I'm treated with jealousy b/c I have a great

husband, and am about to have another baby. Because I have those things, I

can't have any fraction of my mother. Yes, I've been to therapy, but it really

hurts anyway.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thankfully, they have great support (a therapist has really validated them in

this and given them great tools) and have learned to work around his efforts.

Every time I drop them off, I remind them to " protect the brotherhood. " They do

exactly that, no matter what their father does.

My friend said it best: After the divorce, you can't wait for your kids to

figure out who their other parent REALLY is. And, once it happens, it is the

saddest day of your life!

Thanks!

> > >

> > > My BPD mother has been really hurting me lately by favoring my sister,

enabling her, and acting like my sister is a wounded bird. My sister and I both

have young sons (2 and 3), and it's at a new, painful level as she talks about

them all the time, spends time with them, but doesn't make herself available for

us. Christmas and holidays are becoming an even more tough time for us as she

runs to my sister, who is now a single mom (and has some Borderline traits), as

though she is a charity case. I'm treated with jealousy b/c I have a great

husband, and am about to have another baby. Because I have those things, I

can't have any fraction of my mother. Yes, I've been to therapy, but it really

hurts anyway.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

That's great that you got them a good therapist, and that you and your boys are

all on the same page with this issue, so to speak.

Openly acknowledging and discussing problems like that, problems that can

negatively impact your kids, is excellent in my opinion.

Kudos!

-Annie

>

> Thankfully, they have great support (a therapist has really validated them in

this and given them great tools) and have learned to work around his efforts.

Every time I drop them off, I remind them to " protect the brotherhood. " They do

exactly that, no matter what their father does.

>

> My friend said it best: After the divorce, you can't wait for your kids to

figure out who their other parent REALLY is. And, once it happens, it is the

saddest day of your life!

>

> Thanks!

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry for your problems.

If it helps any, from what I have read nadas always favor one child - one is a

'saint' and can do no wrong and the other is a 'sinner' and is evil and can do

nothing right. This is partially due to their black and white thinking -

everyone is either all good or all bad - no shades of grey. It is a very warped

way of looking at people of course but we ARE talking mentally ill people here.

If you are an only child like I am, you are at different intervals a saint AND a

sinner. I have come to the conclusion a long time ago that you can't win with a

BPD and you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. It doesn't make it

any easier to deal with sometimes, but now that my nada is extremely close to

the end of her life, I am now a Saint all the time which is much better than the

verbal abuse and games she was playing but anyway this has been a roller coaster

ride I will never forget and I'm sure none of us will.

Just believe in your heart that you know you're a good person and whatever she

says is immaterial. I know it's difficult but otherwise you are letting her win

and you are losing.

[Guest guest]

You know, I was thinking of this " thing " with the BPD parent; creating roles for

the children. And I began to build up a great sense of sorrow (this is because

my sister has just died) over the years that we all (three of us) bought into

these roles. The way that she kept us from bonding normally. My sister and I

became good friends but when we were little I felt distant and annoyed by her;

she was my mom's 'baby' and got lots of attention. My brother was a bully, but

he was my mom's 'golden one' (because he could make her laugh), he never did any

chores. And I was the one that got to hear all the personal intimate

information, and who got to take care of her when she had an accident and came

home from the hospital; I was in elementary school and scared to death.

So now, as we are in our mid-age, one sibling dead, and this great resentment I

have for my brother, though I do talk to him, I feel that she conditioned us in

this way that we were not able to recognize and overcome. It's like normal

sibling relationships were stolen away from us. It's very sad and destructive.

When I see other families getting along and happy (this is why the holidays are

particularly bad for me) I feel a very deep sense of sadness and loss and like I

am an outcast.

~patricia

Re: One child favored

I'm so sorry for your problems.

If it helps any, from what I have read nadas always favor one child - one is a

'saint' and can do no wrong and the other is a 'sinner' and is evil and can do

nothing right. This is partially due to their black and white thinking -

everyone is either all good or all bad - no shades of grey. It is a very warped

way of looking at people of course but we ARE talking mentally ill people here.

If you are an only child like I am, you are at different intervals a saint AND

a sinner. I have come to the conclusion a long time ago that you can't win with

a BPD and you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. It doesn't make it

any easier to deal with sometimes, but now that my nada is extremely close to

the end of her life, I am now a Saint all the time which is much better than the

verbal abuse and games she was playing but anyway this has been a roller coaster

ride I will never forget and I'm sure none of us will.

Just believe in your heart that you know you're a good person and whatever she

says is immaterial. I know it's difficult but otherwise you are letting her win

and you are losing.

[Guest guest]

I totally agree. Nada did the same with us, pittied us against each other,

discouraged us every forming bondes with our siblings...I'm not really close

to any of my FOO..I have lost both brothers, the first one I hardly

knew...if I passed him on the street, I would not know him...same for my

oldest sister...

Jackie

> You know, I was thinking of this " thing " with the BPD parent; creating

> roles for the children. And I began to build up a great sense of sorrow

> (this is because my sister has just died) over the years that we all

> (three of us) bought into these roles. The way that she kept us from

> bonding normally. My sister and I became good friends but when we were

> little I felt distant and annoyed by her; she was my mom's 'baby' and got

> lots of attention. My brother was a bully, but he was my mom's 'golden

> one' (because he could make her laugh), he never did any chores. And I

> was the one that got to hear all the personal intimate information, and

> who got to take care of her when she had an accident and came home from

> the hospital; I was in elementary school and scared to death.

>

> So now, as we are in our mid-age, one sibling dead, and this great

> resentment I have for my brother, though I do talk to him, I feel that she

> conditioned us in this way that we were not able to recognize and

> overcome. It's like normal sibling relationships were stolen away from

> us. It's very sad and destructive. When I see other families getting

> along and happy (this is why the holidays are particularly bad for me) I

> feel a very deep sense of sadness and loss and like I am an outcast.

> ~patricia

[Guest guest]

in my nadas case, I dont think she cares to know who we really are and what

we really feel...any time any of us have tried to have a real talk with her,

she changes the subject to herself...and ignors anything we've said...

Jackie

I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps it is impossible for someone with bpd (or

any of the Cluster B personality disorders) to relate to any other human

being in a genuine, authentic way.

I don't think they can, the more I think about it.

Really learning about another person's thoughts, feelings, tastes, opinions,

caring about another person's pain... I don't think they have that capacity,

even if they have the desire (which I doubt.)

The process requires empathy; I'm not convinced that any of the Cluster B

pds truly have the capacity for empathy. Plus, it takes effort to learn

even a fraction of who another person truly is, inside.

So instead of trying to connect with another person as a unique, separate,

and equal individual, the pd person simply assigns him or her a " role " based

on the bpd's idea of how that role ought to be played.

And how easy to assign a " role " to a newborn child who has no say in the

matter, instead of helping that baby discover who she really is as a unique

individual.

-Annie

[Guest guest]

I wonder too about my dad's family because both his brothers sort of disappeared

from

his life (I believe he knew where they were) and descended into some kind of

mental illness.

He had no connection with them. My sister was the one who wanted to keep the

family ties

together, and she was working against all this dysfunction and craziness.

Including her own.

It is weird, I feel without a *true* family. Even the ones I have created in

the time since I

left home are not near me anymore, except for my son. That is half time.

~p

Re: Re: One child favored

I totally agree. Nada did the same with us, pittied us against each other,

discouraged us every forming bondes with our siblings...I'm not really close

to any of my FOO..I have lost both brothers, the first one I hardly

knew...if I passed him on the street, I would not know him...same for my

oldest sister...

Jackie

> You know, I was thinking of this " thing " with the BPD parent; creating

> roles for the children. And I began to build up a great sense of sorrow

> (this is because my sister has just died) over the years that we all

> (three of us) bought into these roles. The way that she kept us from

> bonding normally. My sister and I became good friends but when we were

> little I felt distant and annoyed by her; she was my mom's 'baby' and got

> lots of attention. My brother was a bully, but he was my mom's 'golden

> one' (because he could make her laugh), he never did any chores. And I

> was the one that got to hear all the personal intimate information, and

> who got to take care of her when she had an accident and came home from

> the hospital; I was in elementary school and scared to death.

>

> So now, as we are in our mid-age, one sibling dead, and this great

> resentment I have for my brother, though I do talk to him, I feel that she

> conditioned us in this way that we were not able to recognize and

> overcome. It's like normal sibling relationships were stolen away from

> us. It's very sad and destructive. When I see other families getting

> along and happy (this is why the holidays are particularly bad for me) I

> feel a very deep sense of sadness and loss and like I am an outcast.

> ~patricia

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