Re: BPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder or both ???

[Guest guest]

Hi mward,

I honestly think the bpd/npd combo is a particularly nasty one and you really

may not ever be able to simply be able to understand and put up with your

mother.  Distance (emotional and physical) may be the only way to manage with

her.

My nada (not a mom) and sister are both bpd and NOT npd and it seems to me

frome reading posts on here that they are genuinely different from someone with

more narcissist traits.  My bpds lack any solid sense of their own identity,

only know how to cope with unpleasant feelings by projecting and/or suppressing

them (especially nada), desperately fear abandonment, and have no ability to be

concerned authentically with anyone else's welfare.  My nada in particular is

quite harmful to others, but there is nothing else going on beyond the issues I

listed above.

Npds believe the world revolves around them and are quite honestlly hurt,

surprised, and angry when real life intervenes and suggests that it does not

revolve around them.  What they usually want after that is revenge. 

That element alone brings it to a different level and complicates the issue

immensely.  I don't think SWOE alone will help you deal with the npd/bpd mix. 

With that type of personality, there is just a far greater challenge involved

than setting boundaries and dealing with their unregulated emotions and fear of

abandonment.  Understanding the Borderline Mother may help.  There are

probably some books on npd alone that may also give insight.

Take care.  You are among people who understand.

Best,

Ashana

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tue, 29 December, 2009 1:14:02 PM

Subject: BPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder or both

???

 

Hello everyone:

This is my first time ever, speaking or corresponding with anyone in regards to

this subject.

I am confused, lost in fog and angry.

I just recently found info on the internet that I believe describes my Mom. I

just thought she hated me all these years because??? thus the confusion. More

and more family/friends are starting to see the same things I have put up with

all my life (emotional and physical abuse; tantrums; lies; etc.) you never

knew/know what to expect. After speaking with my husband on this subject, he

kindly pointed out something that I have been doing for years - I block out -

totally forget - so until someone walks me through something step by step of

some of her episodes - I do not remember a thing. I consider this a good thing,

on one hand, but its the lack of memories that is starting to bother me as I get

older.

Growing up I could not wait to get away from her. (Her Mother was the same - I

just always thought they were the meanest people on earth). I would never

confront Mom about her issues - that would mean death.

I am currently reading " Stop Walking on Eggshells " and I am perplexed - on one

hand I know from the book that a BPD is mixed up and really doesn't want to act

like this - but I am at a stage where I have no patience left - I also feel

horrible that my Dad lives with this everyday. He really tries to make things

easy, but I know, if it is anything like I went through with her, she will find

a way to punish him.

Mental issues are not spoken openly in our family.

Any suggestions on how to bring it up with Dad?

How do I tranistion from I am so tired of walking into a firing squad to I

understand and can put up with you?

The INTERNET now has a personality. YOURS! See your Yahoo! Homepage.

http://in.yahoo.com/

[Guest guest]

very well put, Ashana, you described my BPD/NP nada perfectly !

Jackie

I honestly think the bpd/npd combo is a particularly nasty one and you

really may not ever be able to simply be able to understand and put up with

your mother. Distance (emotional and physical) may be the only way to manage

with her.

My nada (not a mom) and sister are both bpd and NOT npd and it seems to me

frome reading posts on here that they are genuinely different from someone

with more narcissist traits. My bpds lack any solid sense of their own

identity, only know how to cope with unpleasant feelings by projecting

and/or suppressing them (especially nada), desperately fear abandonment, and

have no ability to be concerned authentically with anyone else's welfare. My

nada in particular is quite harmful to others, but there is nothing else

going on beyond the issues I listed above.

Npds believe the world revolves around them and are quite honestlly hurt,

surprised, and angry when real life intervenes and suggests that it does not

revolve around them. What they usually want after that is revenge. That

element alone brings it to a different level and complicates the issue

immensely. I don't think SWOE alone will help you deal with the npd/bpd mix.

With that type of personality, there is just a far greater challenge

involved than setting boundaries and dealing with their unregulated emotions

and fear of abandonment. Understanding the Borderline Mother may help. There

are probably some books on npd alone that may also give insight.

[Guest guest]

welcome !! I know the feeling, as I always thought, when I was a kid, that

my nada ( not a mother) hated me for unknown reasons. As you learn about

this conditions, you will understand a lot more, but not all family members

will be as receptive to your mothers condition. My father refuses to

accept that anything is wrong with nada...she had BPD as well as

narcissistic personality and is a very cruel, mean person. She's a bully

and seems to enjoy hurting her children and husband. Sometimes they are so

bad, you cant put up with them...and will have to go No Contact with them...

Jackie

Hello everyone:

This is my first time ever, speaking or corresponding with anyone in regards

to this subject.

I am confused, lost in fog and angry.

I just recently found info on the internet that I believe describes my Mom.

I just thought she hated me all these years because??? thus the confusion.

More and more family/friends are starting to see the same things I have put

up with all my life (emotional and physical abuse; tantrums; lies; etc.) you

never knew/know what to expect. After speaking with my husband on this

subject, he kindly pointed out something that I have been doing for years -

I block out - totally forget - so until someone walks me through something

step by step of some of her episodes - I do not remember a thing. I

consider this a good thing, on one hand, but its the lack of memories that

is starting to bother me as I get older.

Growing up I could not wait to get away from her. (Her Mother was the

same - I just always thought they were the meanest people on earth). I

would never confront Mom about her issues - that would mean death.

I am currently reading " Stop Walking on Eggshells " and I am perplexed - on

one hand I know from the book that a BPD is mixed up and really doesn't want

to act like this - but I am at a stage where I have no patience left - I

also feel horrible that my Dad lives with this everyday. He really tries to

make things easy, but I know, if it is anything like I went through with

her, she will find a way to punish him.

Mental issues are not spoken openly in our family.

Any suggestions on how to bring it up with Dad?

How do I tranistion from I am so tired of walking into a firing squad to I

understand and can put up with you?

[Guest guest]

I always knew there was something wrong with my mother (and her father and his

mother). I was just told that clinical depression ran in the family and there

was nothing I could do about it when I became depressed. More recently, I've

learned that my mom has bpd and it sounds like everyone down the line had it

too. My mom isn't talking to me right now so whether I like it or not, I've got

some distance. On most days, I consider it a godsend. Around the holidays,

it's a little harder. I remember the day I was in therapy, my sister on the

phone (as she is in a similar position to me but another city). My therapist

was excitedly jotting down notes as my sister spoke. (She normally didn't keep

notes when it was just me.) After we hung up with my sis, my therapist suggest

our mom might have bpd and suggested some further reading to confirm diagnosis.

My sis and I were so excited to learn the problem had a name and that we weren't

crazy and we actually had a term to Google and find more info, and more

importantly some help. As relieved as we were to get the bit of validation out

of just a diagnosis, I reminded myself that not everyone likes labels or would

share my enthusiasm.

My suggestion to you would be to finish the book you're reading and probably

read a couple more on the subject. When you're ready, if you want to, gradually

start applying the things you're learning toward your relationship with your

mother. Maybe if your dad sees some improvement in your relationship to your

mother (Or at least your mental state after dealing with her), it might help him

be more open to talking about the condition. If your family already suppresses

emotions, your dad might not like a call out of the blue saying " Guess what?

Mom's got bpd! " I know it's really tempting because I wanted to do the same

thing. Unless your dad is somehow physically handicapped or needs help taking

care of himself, just remind yourself that he's a grown man and he married her.

He's been putting up with it for quite some time. While it sounds like you care

very much for your dad, it's not your job to take care of him.

And when my mom is really getting to me, sometimes a round or two down in the

basement with the punching bag is helpful!

Chloe

>

> Hello everyone:

>

> This is my first time ever, speaking or corresponding with anyone in regards

to this subject.

>

> I am confused, lost in fog and angry.

>

> I just recently found info on the internet that I believe describes my Mom.

I just thought she hated me all these years because??? thus the confusion. More

and more family/friends are starting to see the same things I have put up with

all my life (emotional and physical abuse; tantrums; lies; etc.) you never

knew/know what to expect. After speaking with my husband on this subject, he

kindly pointed out something that I have been doing for years - I block out -

totally forget - so until someone walks me through something step by step of

some of her episodes - I do not remember a thing. I consider this a good thing,

on one hand, but its the lack of memories that is starting to bother me as I get

older.

>

> Growing up I could not wait to get away from her. (Her Mother was the same -

I just always thought they were the meanest people on earth). I would never

confront Mom about her issues - that would mean death.

>

> I am currently reading " Stop Walking on Eggshells " and I am perplexed - on one

hand I know from the book that a BPD is mixed up and really doesn't want to act

like this - but I am at a stage where I have no patience left - I also feel

horrible that my Dad lives with this everyday. He really tries to make things

easy, but I know, if it is anything like I went through with her, she will find

a way to punish him.

>

> Mental issues are not spoken openly in our family.

>

> Any suggestions on how to bring it up with Dad?

> How do I tranistion from I am so tired of walking into a firing squad to I

understand and can put up with you?

>

[Guest guest]

OMG! This is totally my family. My mother has been driving us mad for the last

few years. I have been in therapy for the last 3 years. My dad has finally

decided he needs help and his therapist told us about the bpd and the eggshell

book. Of course, there is nothing wrong with her- we are all sick and out to get

her. She can be screaming like a total nut case and pushing my dad and then

answer the phone and have a bright and pleasant phone conversation just like

that! She has absolutely no social skills any more and basically is a shut in.

She had a former career in medicine and is quite bright. However, she is the

victim. She is a paranoid, mean narcissist that blames my dad for everything! It

is like watching her fight a sadistic fight within herself and we are actors

cast into the roles she designates. Her parents were the kind of nasty assholes

that should have NEVER had any kids. There was never a kind or loving word or

gesture from her parents, my grandparents. She is a master manipulator and is

she 'thinks' it should be then she is convinced that is the way it is.

It is so out of control I barely speak to her. Looking at her makes me ill.

Sometimes I wish she would just die already and end our misery but that wont

happen because then we would " win " . She makes these nutty comments and lies (if

you try to suggest the real story she freaks out) like telling the neighbors my

brother in law is in the CIA. We just sit there dumbfounded. She has even set up

fake email accounts pretending to be one of us and tries to manipulate and make

things happen. She verbally abuses my dad and he just takes it. I told him I

worry that he will just lose it and kill her one day and call from jail. She is

'high function' so we think her therapist is fooled. Well, if you count going

once every 60 days or so. Wow. Gee now maybe I can save some money on my own

therapy!

> >

> > Hello everyone:

> >

> > This is my first time ever, speaking or corresponding with anyone in regards

to this subject.

> >

> > I am confused, lost in fog and angry.

> >

> > I just recently found info on the internet that I believe describes my Mom.

I just thought she hated me all these years because??? thus the confusion. More

and more family/friends are starting to see the same things I have put up with

all my life (emotional and physical abuse; tantrums; lies; etc.) you never

knew/know what to expect. After speaking with my husband on this subject, he

kindly pointed out something that I have been doing for years - I block out -

totally forget - so until someone walks me through something step by step of

some of her episodes - I do not remember a thing. I consider this a good thing,

on one hand, but its the lack of memories that is starting to bother me as I get

older.

> >

> > Growing up I could not wait to get away from her. (Her Mother was the same

- I just always thought they were the meanest people on earth). I would never

confront Mom about her issues - that would mean death.

> >

> > I am currently reading " Stop Walking on Eggshells " and I am perplexed - on

one hand I know from the book that a BPD is mixed up and really doesn't want to

act like this - but I am at a stage where I have no patience left - I also feel

horrible that my Dad lives with this everyday. He really tries to make things

easy, but I know, if it is anything like I went through with her, she will find

a way to punish him.

> >

> > Mental issues are not spoken openly in our family.

> >

> > Any suggestions on how to bring it up with Dad?

> > How do I tranistion from I am so tired of walking into a firing squad to I

understand and can put up with you?

> >

>