Re: Confusion over Correspondence

January 1, 2010

Hi Joy,

Wow, I can see how this would be confusing. It sort of makes me feel confused

too. Communication if probably at the core of most of our problems with people

in life. And sometimes, I've noticed, there are people who we can be totally in

synch with, with whom we only have to say a word or two and they get it. Then

there are those with whom we can try to explicitly explain ourselves but with

each word the communication get more and more twisted.

So given that, I wonder if there is a communication problem here. If you would

really like to go see them, is it possible you can state that (I don't know what

you said exactly) as in: I would like to make some time to come see you, is that

something you would like to arrange for? Or you know, something along those

lines. And get a clear answer.

I know you can 'deal' and you do not idealize them, but it sounds confusing and

as though it brings up that old feeling around visiting them. Your

grandmother's words, your self judgment, and all that mixed in somewhere.

Do you think you can find a way to get a clear answer so you don't have to feel

confused?

~patricia

Confusion over Correspondence

I have an uncle that I occasionally write briefly to either on Facebook or

maybe email. The only FOO I contact. He's cool and pretty removed from the rest

of the FOO. Basically LC with them. This uncle is my Nada's eldest brother out

of three brothers.

I went to visit him and my aunt this past summer. I think it was slightly a

desperate attempt to ignite a connection with some remaining family members

after NC with the rest of my FOO. I had a great time, although I didn't get to

see him that much since he left on his vacation. I had gone with a friend, so I

pretty much coordinated the trip around both of us going since I wasn't sure how

hospitable this uncle would be, anyhow.

The trip was great and I enjoyed my visits with my aunt and uncle. They were

both happy to see me and they liked my friend. Looking back, I think I idealized

them both in a parental way because I remember visiting with them when I was

younger (my grandparents were on vacation and dropped me off there). I remember

I didn't know them, but I didn't want to leave. I was there for a week, and I

felt for the first time that something was there that wasn't before...I was too

young to know why I wanted to stay so badly. Though I was too old for tantrums,

I threw a small one when it was time to leave and go back to Nada. I remember my

grandmother scolded me for it later and told me how embarrassed she was and how

I was being an ungrateful girl.

Funnily enough, I cried after visiting him and my aunt though this is 13 years

later. Something touched me and I got a glimpse of what I could have had. I

remember thinking as a kid...maybe if I am really good, they would want me to

stay here forever?...

Even though I was on vacation, I cried later that night. My friend was

supportive and wasn't the least bit perturbed, thankfully. She did her best to

just be there and understand.

I suppose my confusion started with earlier this month. I posted a request for

a spare toaster oven on my facebook wall, and I got a few responses. My uncle

said that he didn't have one, but I was welcome to visit. I was glad to read

this, and so I asked him if I could visit in December? He said he was going to

be too busy then (he is a college professor so he grades a lot of finals). I

asked if March of next year would be good? He said he didn't know because he

didn't have the schedule it was with the Dean. I said, okay, let me know when

you can so I can request off from work.

The next day, he said that my aunt wanted to go to San Francisco during that

month, so they wouldn't be around after all.

I said, okay. I also added as an fyi that I wouldn't be going to see my family

(the rest of the FOO) this Christmas because I had some things I needed to sort

out first. He was already aware of the situation (my estranged-ness).

He said, " oh, so I guess we won't be seeing you for Christmas? "

I told him unfortunately no even though it was going to upset some people I am

going to sit this one out (I don't think he knows just how serious it is).

Later, I thought about it, and I realized it was strange my uncle said that " I

guess we won't see you... " because he wasn't planning on visiting since he

already had said he was going to be too busy...

I don't really know. It feels kind of topsy turvy. If he's avoiding that's

fine. I think at this point I've been healing enough to deal, and I don't

idealize him and my aunt anymore. I am better equipped to look to myself with

all the inner (and outer) work I've been doing.

It just seems odd to me and i just want to be sure that it's not some other

strange situation that will snow ball. Him and my aunt are both nice people, I

just don't want to be confused anymore.

-Joy

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January 1, 2010

Joy, it's possible your uncle meant you were welcome to visit, but that he was

going to be busy and wouldn't have much time or attention to give you. He could

have meant any number of things, including a vague idea that you are welcome in

his home coupled with the simultaneous reality that he is busy much of the time.

Actually, I'd suggest you try communicating with your uncle in general (whom it

sounds like you don't know well but would like to) through a medium that's

more immediate to the extent that you can, especially if it's over something

important. Electronic communication just doesn't give you much information--all

you have are the words. And that's fine if you know someone well and can

imagine what they are thinking and feeling and what they really mean, but when

it's with someone you don't know that well, there are just too many blanks to

fill in and too little information to fill it in with accurately. You are just

as likely to answer the obvious question you asked yourself ( " If you said you

were too busy at Christmas, why are you surprised that you won't see me? " ) with

an explanation that is true as you are to answer it with an explanation that

merely fits with your preconceived notions but isn't true at all. If you were

at least talking to him

on the phone, you would have tone of voice to give you a little more of a clue.

On a practical level, it may help to keep in mind the somewhat bizarre pressures

of the academic calendar. If his is a semester system, then early December and

early May (when the semester ends) are terribly busy and stressful. Ditto with

the middle of that time period (October or November and March or April), when

you need to give mid-terms and then grade them. September, when everything

starts, is also stressful. Summer is pretty free, except then you are generally

trying to get a jump on your research or finish a book or prepare a talk to give

at any number of conferences. The periods of relative peace are surprisingly

infrequent. And then there are the tenure committees, the search committees,

and so on...

If you'd like to build a relationship with your aunt and uncle, it may be best

to try to build it up slowly, by finding some excuse to be in town and then,

say, calling up to ask them for lunch. The fact that he can't actually follow

through on his proposition that you visit may not actually mean he doesn't have

good intentions. A lot of people are well-intentioned, but clumsy. Not

everyone is like our FOOs--whose members are generally either trying to pursue

powerful emotions or trying to avoid them.

Best,

Ashana

The INTERNET now has a personality. YOURS! See your Yahoo! Homepage.

http://in.yahoo.com/

January 1, 2010

Hi ,

I think I can. I feel uncomfortable doing this...however, I think I can. I

thought I had made it clear before that I would like to visit.

However, like you said, there could be a miscommunication. Maybe I'll ask after

March. It seems like he would have counter-offered something since he said he

couldn't in December and March.

I'm scared. hehe. Thanks for your advice.

-Joy

>

> Hi Joy,

> Wow, I can see how this would be confusing. It sort of makes me feel confused

too. Communication if probably at the core of most of our problems with people

in life. And sometimes, I've noticed, there are people who we can be totally in

synch with, with whom we only have to say a word or two and they get it. Then

there are those with whom we can try to explicitly explain ourselves but with

each word the communication get more and more twisted.

> So given that, I wonder if there is a communication problem here. If you

would really like to go see them, is it possible you can state that (I don't

know what you said exactly) as in: I would like to make some time to come see

you, is that something you would like to arrange for? Or you know, something

along those lines. And get a clear answer.

>

> I know you can 'deal' and you do not idealize them, but it sounds confusing

and as though it brings up that old feeling around visiting them. Your

grandmother's words, your self judgment, and all that mixed in somewhere.

> Do you think you can find a way to get a clear answer so you don't have to

feel confused?

> ~patricia

> Confusion over Correspondence

>

> I have an uncle that I occasionally write briefly to either on Facebook or