don't follow this advice but it is funny

[Guest guest]

A Little Something to Lighten the arrival of the New Year.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM!

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste

them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart

will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of

your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn

And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an

efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat

chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).

And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of

vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If

you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise

program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.

In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad

for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the

middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should

only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best

feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about

food and diets.

And remember:

" Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving

safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in

sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly

used up, totally worn out and screaming Whoo what a ride " .