*******FAT PEOPLE GOOD FOR UNIVERSE***********

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FAT PEOPLE GOOD FOR UNIVERSE

Tuesday January 3, 2006

By CARL FRANCOISE

Science Correspondent HOUSTON, Texas -- Most medical doctors agree

about the risks to our health posed by obesity. They say the pounds

must go if we want to survive. However, a leading physicist now says

that obesity may be a good thing.

" Maintaining the GNB -- gross national blubber -- is vital to the

survival of the universe! " claims Conrad Portly, a professor at

Simpleton University in Houston. " The universe is expanding. That

means stars and planets are moving in all sorts of crazy directions.

If that doesn't stop, then in a few billion years the universe will

be ripped right down the creamy center of the Milky Way. I, for one,

don't want to be there when all life is sucked from the cosmos. "

What does this have to do with fat people?

" I have discovered that earth is very close to the center of the

universe, " says Dr. Portly.

" Specifically, Houston, which was recently named 'The Fattest City

in America.' The more weight there is on earth the more gravity we

generate. If we produce enough new gravity it will pull those far-

away worlds back toward the center. That will keep the universe from

being destroyed. "

That's not all. Dr. Portly claims there is another benefit to having

more fat people on earth.

" They create shorter days, " Dr. Portly said as he chewed

thoughtfully on a Choc-o-Dile. " That means more sleep for everyone. "

We asked how that is possible.

" Did you ever watch a skater turn round and round? " Dr. Portly asked

when he finished licking his fingers. " She goes faster as she pulls

her arms toward her. Same thing here. The more fat people there are

pressing the earth's surface toward the center, the faster we will

spin. "

And what happens, we asked, when the universe starts to collapse

from all the extra gravitational fat? "

" Then we all go on Atkins, " he said. " It's all part of nature's plan

for the wonderful galactic ecosystem. "