Re: A story of crashing and burning

October 19, 2005

Hi Alisa,

Thank you for sharing this.

It pains me to read that some people had WLS so they could wear a

thong to the beach. That is not the purpose of WLS. Undergoing a

gastric bypass procedure is a medically necessary procedure. A very

serious life altering surgery and NOT a magic wand. Being thin

should NOT be a goal. Living a healthy active quality of life should

be the end result.

WLS should be a TOOL in the battle of obesity and NOT a crutch!

Robyn

>

> Good morning all,

>

> I'm relating this story to you all simply to prevent, I hope,

anyone

> else from doing what this person has done. It's no one that

anyone

> here personally knows. But it is important that you hear what I'm

> going to say and take this to heart. And for those of you who

would

> believe that you're not her, but can see parts of you in her, but

> will deny that you are doing this, then you especially need to

read

> this and really THINK HARD about how you're living your life.

October 19, 2005

Alisa,

This story is so unreal & very sad to say the least......But I know what's even

sadder to say it happens quite frequently. I hope & pray she will find a way to

help with her delusions.....Thanks for sharing.

Barb

Alisa B wrote:

Good morning all,

I'm relating this story to you all simply to prevent, I hope, anyone

else from doing what this person has done. It's no one that anyone

here personally knows. But it is important that you hear what I'm

going to say and take this to heart. And for those of you who would

believe that you're not her, but can see parts of you in her, but

will deny that you are doing this, then you especially need to read

this and really THINK HARD about how you're living your life.

Because if you don't stop whatever it is you might be abusing RIGHT

NOW, you will end up like this person. That's not a threat--it is a

promise. Because we all know someone like this.

There's a lady in my local group who is about 15 months or so out of

surgery. She went from over 300 lbs to about 185 in this time. Very

good progress right? Wrong. This woman, who's 43 or so, has done

evrything that she could possibly do wrong to herself in her pursuit

of " getting thin " . Not to get HEALTHY, but to be thin and have a

flat stomach and other assorted things that she feels is so important.

At the time of this post, she's been admitted to the hospital for

dehydration, low electrolyte balance, severe calcium loss, an

enlarged heart, blood sugars that have bottomed out and more. She

has, over the course of the last month or so, admitted to drinking

alcohol, using at least 10-20 laxative pills in a day's time--and

that's everyday, abusing over the counter diet pills, not eating for

3 or more days at A TIME, purging and more.

Last Saturday at our group meeting she tried to hold several of us

accountable for not returning her calls. Those of us that she did

call were either out of town or not at home or simply unavailable.

Her words were that we obviously loved each other in the meeting but

outside of it we didn't care. As if by saying that because we didn't

answer the phone right when she called or called her right back we

weren't being supportive. Which angered me greatly as she began to

tell us all of what she had done to herself in the last week. Why

did it anger me so? Because instead of being willing, or quite

frankly, able to admit that she is the root of her own problem, she

has tried to blame everyone else for what's going on in her head.

But I digress.

As we sat in horror and listened to her relate what she had done or

hadn't done to herself during a week's time, we would ask her to make

a commitment to the group to not drink, or do laxatives, or whatever

it is that she had been doing to herself. She would say yes then

come back and say that something else stressed her out so she was

back on laxatives. Or that she had taken a drink again...well

several. Or had stopped eating. Or whatever. Everytime she spoke

there was a new revelation about what she was doing to herself.

Imagine sitting next to her and listening to this.

Last Saturday I asked her, after hearing her admit that she hadn't

eaten in 3 days (and proudly--which scared the shit out of many of

us), to commit to go with me to get some protein, specifically FOOD.

She had also admitted that she had let her blood sugar get below

dangerous levels--and had driven the hour or so from her house in

this state (and again proudly admitted to this while copping to the

fact that she had chocolate hidden all over so she could be assured

she would get her blood sugars back up--she is a diabetic). When she

flat out said that she refused to go eat, you could almost see the

frustration in the group mount. One woman finally asked if she would

eat some Deli meat from Mayer and she said yes she would if it

were there--she might. So the group member left, went to the grocery

store, and brought back an entire package of meat. The FIRST thing

this woman did was turn it over and look at the caloric intake for a

serving. I was sitting next to her and saw that for 6 slices of meat

it was 70 calories or so. She got the package opened and ate less

than 2 slices of meat, declaring herself full and that she couldn't

eat any more. Mind you she practically ate her fingers off with the

first thin slice but then you could see the " anorexia switch " as I

like to call what happen, turn on immediately.

I could go on--and probably should but as I write I find that the

horror and sadness I feel has risen to an unacceptable level right

now. I will tell you that she is in the hospital right now and will

probably be there for some time. She is taking more meds NOW than

she did before surgery. 17 to be exact. I don't expect that to

change at this point.

Now some of you will say that she's an example of someone who didn't

need surgery, she needs mental help, etc. And you'd be right in that

because she does need mental help. The reason that she has been

doing this? You won't believe me. Her husband of 4 years is an over-

the-road truck driver and is gone 6 days of the week. When she met

him he was doing this job and she didn't seem to have an issue with

it. She also met him when she was much larger. She finally told us

that she was doing most of this to get his ATTENTION. Yes, that's

right. She's lonely and hates it when he's gone so she knows that as

soon as she does something to cause herself to be sick he will leave

from wherever he is to be by her side. When she announced that " well

I know if I have to go to the hospital he'll come home " and did it

with a sly smile, she really upset everyone. The group leader, who

is a pyschiatrist and specialist on all sorts of eating disorders,

even called her on that very point. She didn't deny it. She said

yep that's right. But then said she didn't want to die--even though

she will admit that everything she's doing right now could lead to

death.

When her husband called me after 8 last night to tell me this, I

honestly thought, and I hate to even think this, thought he was

calling to tell me she had died. THAT'S how far gone this woman is.

I asked what had happened and in listening to him realized that he

has no damn clue as to what his wife has been doing to herself. All

in the name of getting HIS attention. I did call one of the other

ladies and let her know what had happened, and we talked briefly

about it. She too felt that she had been held hostage last week at

group because of the way things had happened. I also called the

group leader this morning and spoke to her at length about what was

going on. She said it was ironic that I had called right then

because she had been thinking about what had happened last weekend

and how frustrated she herself was as a clinician and what legal

issues might come up because of what had been going on. The one

thing I told her was a fear of mine and probably others is what if

she did die or went into a coma--would her husband want to hold us or

the group as a whole responsible for not intervening? She assured me

that we wouldn't be held responsible for her actions. But that she

did want to speak to the director and let her know all of what was

going on.

This woman, who probably was once a vibrant individual, is now

someone who is in an active eating disorder--several actually--and

has gotten herself so ill that she is now going to be hospitalized

for at least a week if not more. She has finally gotten the

attention from her husband that she so craves, as well as attention

from others. I've already set boundaries that I plan to keep. I

will go see her tonight at the hospital but I will not be there every

day or night, and also have committed to the group leader to not call

others and alert them to this as a way of providing yet more

attention to her. Granted, people will be worried about her and

upset, but the one thing that I noticed is that those who were there

last Sat were HORRIFIED. Watching this woman deny everything: that

she wasn't in need of mental treatment, that she had stopped taking

calcium in and that she was having severe pain because of it, that

she refused to eat because she was stressed, that she allowed her

blood sugars to get so low that only candy would bring her back up--

we sat there mad, frustrated, scared for her, and more than anything

else, horrified. That someone could NOT SEE what they were doing to

themselves and that she would be more than willing to hold everyone

but herself accountable for her actions.

Normally I would never tell something like this to people I don't

know. But this has been weighing so heavily on my mind and heart

since last weekend and now knowing that she has finally pushed

herself over that ledge...I felt that I had to get this out. Because

too many times I've read things that are so damn freaking scary I

feel that I HAD to tell. I was speaking to my mom this morning and

told her that this lady reminded me of Terri Schiavo. That if she

didn't stop right now that's where she'd end up. And that's no joke.

So if after reading this, I hope that you approach that friend/family

member/group member/whoever and offer help. Or ask them what's going

on with them. Or if it's you, that you take a good hard look in the

mirror and ask yourself what in the hell are you doing. And go get

help. Go find a mental health professional who can help with eating

disorders. For the love of God...please get help.

Being thin or skinny isn't worth dying for. It just isn't. And if

the only reason you or someone you know had this surgery was to be

thin and be able to wear a size 4 jean and all that other crap, then

that's the wrong reason. Just don't wait until it's too late to

realize it.

Alisab

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Robyn@...

October 19, 2005

Alisa,

Another issue of concern is the obsession with plastic surgeyr many

WLS people have after massive weight loss.

The reality is that many if not most of us need skin reduction

surgery. However, no amount of surgery will turn back the clock or

make you happy if you still consider your self a victim because of

your morbid obesity.

I've seen one very disturned WLS person turn to plastic surgery as a

substitute for her former self destructive habit of self-abuse

or " cutting. " She enjoys being sliced and diced. How sad. No amount

of PS will make her habit or satisfied with her body image and state

of mind.

We all need realistic expectations form WLS. It can't exorcise our

inner demons that drove us to morbid obesity. Health and quality of

life should be the emphasis;not meeting society's standards of

beauty.

Robyn

>

> Good morning all,

>

> I'm relating this story to you all simply to prevent, I hope,

anyone

> else from doing what this person has done. It's no one that

anyone

> here personally knows. But it is important that you hear what I'm

> going to say and take this to heart. And for those of you who

would

> believe that you're not her, but can see parts of you in her, but

> will deny that you are doing this, then you especially need to

read

> this and really THINK HARD about how you're living your life.

> Because if you don't stop whatever it is you might be abusing

RIGHT

> NOW, you will end up like this person.

October 19, 2005

Alisa,

That is all too scary and too easily a possibility for many of us

who suffer from eating disorders. This woman is seeking attention

from more than just her husband..she is seeking it from all of you.

She wants rescuers. She needs an inpatient mental institution.

Sadly, there is not much you can do to help her. She either has some

serious emotional issues or some serious mental ones. Either case,

the people at the support group will not make the difference. What

you all did was correct. You each offered her help. I would be

concerned also as a clinician because there is a mandatory

requirement with our licenses to report abuse..even if it is self

inflicted to adult protective services. The clincian is now in a

legal situation if something happens to this woman. She needs to

report her tho probably nothing will get done. I know that seems

like invading the privacy of the support group meetings by tattling,

but honestly, it may be the only way to get this woman any help. Im

hoping tho, that now that she is inpatient, they get her the mental

help she needs also instead of cattling her through her stay.

When I discuss mandatory reporting, I am not suggesting that if

someone doesn't eat right we call APS...but when blant neglect and

self injuries are occuring to the point that life is threatened..its

part of our licenses. I don't ever want to be in that situation...

Im already the main witness in an APS case and I tell ya...filing

those reports is not an easy thing to do. Its feels like you are

tattling when instead the goal behind them is really to protect the

patient at risk.

I dont know the laws in your state...I just know here that even if

Im on a play ground, and I see a mother beat a child, even if Im off

work, the law binds me to protect the child and report it or I am

just as legally responsible. Its the same with self injury..and this

woman is self injuring.

Her reasons have nothing to do with her body image..more like self

worth and it has everything to do with control..something she does

not feel she has with her husband and seeks to change by the only

means she can control.

Someone so emotionally unhealthy should never have had surgery but

honestly, we spend 30 minutes to an hour with a psychcologist..who

would admit to anything but a rosie life. She is the only one

responsible for this...please do not feel at all like you should or

could do anything. Again, the help she needs you can't get for her..

Hugs,

Kat

>

> Good morning all,

>

> I'm relating this story to you all simply to prevent, I hope,

anyone

> else from doing what this person has done. It's no one that

anyone

> here personally knows. But it is important that you hear what I'm

> going to say and take this to heart. And for those of you who

would

> believe that you're not her, but can see parts of you in her, but

> will deny that you are doing this, then you especially need to

read

> this and really THINK HARD about how you're living your life.

> Because if you don't stop whatever it is you might be abusing

RIGHT

> NOW, you will end up like this person. That's not a threat--it is

a

> promise. Because we all know someone like this.

>

> There's a lady in my local group who is about 15 months or so out

of

> surgery. She went from over 300 lbs to about 185 in this time.

Very

> good progress right? Wrong. This woman, who's 43 or so, has done

> evrything that she could possibly do wrong to herself in her

pursuit

> of " getting thin " . Not to get HEALTHY, but to be thin and have a

> flat stomach and other assorted things that she feels is so

important.

>

> At the time of this post, she's been admitted to the hospital for

> dehydration, low electrolyte balance, severe calcium loss, an

> enlarged heart, blood sugars that have bottomed out and more. She

> has, over the course of the last month or so, admitted to drinking

> alcohol, using at least 10-20 laxative pills in a day's time--and

> that's everyday, abusing over the counter diet pills, not eating

for

> 3 or more days at A TIME, purging and more.

>

> Last Saturday at our group meeting she tried to hold several of us

> accountable for not returning her calls. Those of us that she did

> call were either out of town or not at home or simply unavailable.

> Her words were that we obviously loved each other in the meeting

but

> outside of it we didn't care. As if by saying that because we

didn't

> answer the phone right when she called or called her right back we

> weren't being supportive. Which angered me greatly as she began

to

> tell us all of what she had done to herself in the last week. Why

> did it anger me so? Because instead of being willing, or quite

> frankly, able to admit that she is the root of her own problem,

she

> has tried to blame everyone else for what's going on in her head.

> But I digress.

>

> As we sat in horror and listened to her relate what she had done

or

> hadn't done to herself during a week's time, we would ask her to

make

> a commitment to the group to not drink, or do laxatives, or

whatever

> it is that she had been doing to herself. She would say yes then

> come back and say that something else stressed her out so she was

> back on laxatives. Or that she had taken a drink again...well

> several. Or had stopped eating. Or whatever. Everytime she

spoke

> there was a new revelation about what she was doing to herself.

> Imagine sitting next to her and listening to this.

>

> Last Saturday I asked her, after hearing her admit that she hadn't

> eaten in 3 days (and proudly--which scared the shit out of many of

> us), to commit to go with me to get some protein, specifically

FOOD.

> She had also admitted that she had let her blood sugar get below

> dangerous levels--and had driven the hour or so from her house in

> this state (and again proudly admitted to this while copping to

the

> fact that she had chocolate hidden all over so she could be

assured

> she would get her blood sugars back up--she is a diabetic). When

she

> flat out said that she refused to go eat, you could almost see the

> frustration in the group mount. One woman finally asked if she

would

> eat some Deli meat from Mayer and she said yes she would if

it

> were there--she might. So the group member left, went to the

grocery

> store, and brought back an entire package of meat. The FIRST

thing

> this woman did was turn it over and look at the caloric intake for

a

> serving. I was sitting next to her and saw that for 6 slices of

meat

> it was 70 calories or so. She got the package opened and ate less

> than 2 slices of meat, declaring herself full and that she

couldn't

> eat any more. Mind you she practically ate her fingers off with

the

> first thin slice but then you could see the " anorexia switch " as I

> like to call what happen, turn on immediately.

>

> I could go on--and probably should but as I write I find that the

> horror and sadness I feel has risen to an unacceptable level right

> now. I will tell you that she is in the hospital right now and

will

> probably be there for some time. She is taking more meds NOW than

> she did before surgery. 17 to be exact. I don't expect that to

> change at this point.

>

> Now some of you will say that she's an example of someone who

didn't

> need surgery, she needs mental help, etc. And you'd be right in

that

> because she does need mental help. The reason that she has been

> doing this? You won't believe me. Her husband of 4 years is an

over-

> the-road truck driver and is gone 6 days of the week. When she

met

> him he was doing this job and she didn't seem to have an issue

with

> it. She also met him when she was much larger. She finally told

us

> that she was doing most of this to get his ATTENTION. Yes, that's

> right. She's lonely and hates it when he's gone so she knows that

as

> soon as she does something to cause herself to be sick he will

leave

> from wherever he is to be by her side. When she announced

that " well

> I know if I have to go to the hospital he'll come home " and did it

> with a sly smile, she really upset everyone. The group leader,

who

> is a pyschiatrist and specialist on all sorts of eating disorders,

> even called her on that very point. She didn't deny it. She said

> yep that's right. But then said she didn't want to die--even

though

> she will admit that everything she's doing right now could lead to

> death.

>

> When her husband called me after 8 last night to tell me this, I

> honestly thought, and I hate to even think this, thought he was

> calling to tell me she had died. THAT'S how far gone this woman

is.

> I asked what had happened and in listening to him realized that he

> has no damn clue as to what his wife has been doing to herself.

All

> in the name of getting HIS attention. I did call one of the other

> ladies and let her know what had happened, and we talked briefly

> about it. She too felt that she had been held hostage last week

at

> group because of the way things had happened. I also called the

> group leader this morning and spoke to her at length about what

was

> going on. She said it was ironic that I had called right then

> because she had been thinking about what had happened last weekend

> and how frustrated she herself was as a clinician and what legal

> issues might come up because of what had been going on. The one

> thing I told her was a fear of mine and probably others is what if

> she did die or went into a coma--would her husband want to hold us

or

> the group as a whole responsible for not intervening? She assured

me

> that we wouldn't be held responsible for her actions. But that

she

> did want to speak to the director and let her know all of what was

> going on.

>

> This woman, who probably was once a vibrant individual, is now

> someone who is in an active eating disorder--several actually--and

> has gotten herself so ill that she is now going to be hospitalized

> for at least a week if not more. She has finally gotten the

> attention from her husband that she so craves, as well as

attention

> from others. I've already set boundaries that I plan to keep. I

> will go see her tonight at the hospital but I will not be there

every

> day or night, and also have committed to the group leader to not

call

> others and alert them to this as a way of providing yet more

> attention to her. Granted, people will be worried about her and

> upset, but the one thing that I noticed is that those who were

there

> last Sat were HORRIFIED. Watching this woman deny everything:

that

> she wasn't in need of mental treatment, that she had stopped

taking

> calcium in and that she was having severe pain because of it, that

> she refused to eat because she was stressed, that she allowed her

> blood sugars to get so low that only candy would bring her back up-

-

> we sat there mad, frustrated, scared for her, and more than

anything

> else, horrified. That someone could NOT SEE what they were doing

to

> themselves and that she would be more than willing to hold

everyone

> but herself accountable for her actions.

>

> Normally I would never tell something like this to people I don't

> know. But this has been weighing so heavily on my mind and heart

> since last weekend and now knowing that she has finally pushed

> herself over that ledge...I felt that I had to get this out.

Because

> too many times I've read things that are so damn freaking scary I

> feel that I HAD to tell. I was speaking to my mom this morning

and

> told her that this lady reminded me of Terri Schiavo. That if she

> didn't stop right now that's where she'd end up. And that's no

joke.

>

> So if after reading this, I hope that you approach that

friend/family

> member/group member/whoever and offer help. Or ask them what's

going

> on with them. Or if it's you, that you take a good hard look in

the

> mirror and ask yourself what in the hell are you doing. And go

get

> help. Go find a mental health professional who can help with

eating

> disorders. For the love of God...please get help.

>

> Being thin or skinny isn't worth dying for. It just isn't. And

if

> the only reason you or someone you know had this surgery was to be

> thin and be able to wear a size 4 jean and all that other crap,

then

> that's the wrong reason. Just don't wait until it's too late to

> realize it.

>

> Alisab

>

October 19, 2005