Guest guest Posted June 18, 2007 Report Share Posted June 18, 2007 Kate~ You're not going to like what I'm about to say. And I'm sure you've heard this before. I know, I've been in your shoes. REALLY!! This man has you so brainwashed into believing that you can't live without him. And believe me, the tears are just to keep you in your place. When things are good, they're real good. But, when things are bad, they're real bad. This isn't really a matter of you not being ablet to get out of the situation. This is really a matter of not knowing where to go. When to go. Who to go to. How will you be able to make ends meet. Being afraid that he'll find you.....It's basically the fear of the unknown. I can help you with some of these issues if you need help. Believe me. I'm married to a cop. There are resourses available for women just like you. But, it's something you've got to want. You've already shown how strong you are by staying in this situation. I believe you are strong enough to get out. What do you want to do? Do you want to stay and hope that one day that this will all stop? Do you want to get on with your life and have some sort of comfort? Do you want your children to keep going through this? Do you love them and yourself enough to want what's best? I'm sorry, Kate if this sounds rough. But, the choice is ultimately up to you. You are the one who has the power to decide what you want. Nobody can force you to live the kind of life that is not good for you and your kids. Now....after saying all this. I can attest to the fact that there is life after... Okay, I don't have a nice home. I don't have a lot of clothes. I don't even have any money. But, you know what I do have? I still have me. And I have children who love me and are no longer in an unsafe enviroment. (Well, they're all grown now). But, believe me, they could tell you about the things they witnessed. And most of all, I have my life back. I don't have to creep around, so as not to make too much noise, for fear of the beast's wrath. My home is a haven now. It is quiet and peaceful. Please don't feel as though you are trapped. That's exactly how he wants you to feel. Okay....enough. I love you and I will keep you in my prayers. ABC....Ask, Believe and Claim... GBU...Val ----- Original Message ----- Val~it's just life as we know it. It's been 20 yrs. Another 20 to get through. Then who knows? Another? My kids have no respect for him. He does work hard, but lets everyone know how hard he works. He complains about $ spent; and how many hours it takes for him to make such and such amount of $. I've asked him to leave at least 20 to 30 times. He won't. He cries sometimes, tells me he needs me. Then he behaves for a day, or so. Then its back to the roller coaster life. I don't work enough to make ends meet for 5 kids. I need him financially. He knows that. That is how I am tied to him. I've prayed for him to be arrested while drinking. I've prayed for even worse things to happen to him--and then prayed to God to forgive me for being so cruel! Deep, down inside, he is a good person. A decent person. A hard-working man. He just doesn't know how to communicate. He doesn't know how to interract. I'm stuck. It is life. I've tried to get away. It doesn't work. Thank you for your encouragement though. It is a dead end in my life. Just one of those things you accept, like MS. take care, love, kate No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.472 / Virus Database: 269.9.0/852 - Release Date: 6/17/07 8:23 AM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 18, 2007 Report Share Posted June 18, 2007 Kate, My heart breaks for you too. You are stronger than you even know. You have 5 kids, MS and you live with an active alcoholic. There is no way you can't be a strong woman with all of that on your plate. In some form or another I have been around alcoholism all my life. Twenty years ago I had two babies and was married to a man sounds just like your hubby. What saved me was Al Anon. You might consider checking out a meeting or two. Try different ones, they are not all the same. Al Anon taught me I didn't cause the behavior or the drinking, that I couldn't control it anymore than the alcholic could and I sure as heck couldn't cure it. Addiction is a disease just like MS and it affects the whole family. Whether or not you guys stay together, Al Anon will teach you how to take control of your own life. You deserve the freedom that comes from that. If nothing else, there are some great online Al Anon groups. I will say a prayer for you. Take care of you, ok? May God bless you and keep you until we meet again! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 18, 2007 Report Share Posted June 18, 2007 Kate.Please do not accept that. Do not let it be a part of you. You are such a good person,imagine finding a man that is more caring and gentle and not an alcoholic. Imagine him loving you the way you have dreamed of. And in the meantime wile you heal and dont need a man you have your children. You can all be relieved of all the negativity and abuse. We all love you and you can hide out from him at my place anytime. Jus wish it wasnt so far. You are worth a million more then this,remember that. Find ways to boost your confidence and start healing from the inside out. Luv you, cassy --- MSersLife wrote: > Val~it's just life as we know it. It's been 20 yrs. Another 20 to get throu > gh. Then who knows? Another? My kids have no respect for him. He does work > hard, but lets everyone know how hard he works. He complains about $ spent; > and how many hours it takes for him to make such and such amount of $. I'v > e asked him to leave at least 20 to 30 times. He won't. He cries sometimes, > tells me he needs me. Then he behaves for a day, or so. Then its back to t > he roller coaster life. I don't work enough to make ends meet for 5 kids. > I need him financially. He knows that. That is how I am tied to him. I've p > rayed for him to be arrested while drinking. I've prayed for even worse thi > ngs to happen to him--and then prayed to God to forgive me for being so cru > el! Deep, down inside, he is a good person. A decent person. A hard-working > man. He just doesn't know how to communicate. He doesn't know how to inter > ract. I'm stuck. It is life. I've tried to get away. It doesn't work. Thank > you for your encouragement though. It is a dead end in my life. Just one o > f those things you accept, like MS. take care, love, kate > > Kate~ > Reading your post to Cassy was like taking a step back in time. I don't ad > vocate marriages breaking up, but in your case....I'd put on my sneakers an > d run as fast as I could. > I fear you might be in a highly dangerous situation. This is not good for > either you or your children. And I can bet, your kids are probably just as > scared as you, if not more so. > I remember living in constant fear. When I was a kid, I had a perfect atte > ndence record in school. Not because I enjoyed going, but because it was my > refuge. My stomache would literally do flip-flops when it was time to go h > ome. I never knew what kind of situation I was going to come home to. > I lived with my grandparents at the time. My grandfather was an alcoholic. > A mean alcoholic. I came home one time to find him on top of my grandmothe > r, strangling her. She was almost purple and her eyes looked like they were > going to pop out of her head! And me, well...I almost crapped my pants. > I startled him and he got off of her. But, I got in trouble for " eaves dro > pping " , and being a " sneak " . > Please don't put yourself and your children through this. None of you dese > rve it. I know you said that you are scared and that your self-worth has be > en destroyed. But hon, you have to do something about this situation. > Sorry for butting in. I'm just concerned. > Love and blessings...Val @};- > > ________________________________________________________________________________\ ___ You snooze, you lose. Get messages ASAP with AutoCheck in the all-new Yahoo! Mail Beta. http://advision.webevents.yahoo.com/mailbeta/newmail_html.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 20, 2007 Report Share Posted June 20, 2007 Thank you for this supportive post, Val. I'll stop complaining. Trust me. I've tried to get out. I cannot do it. It all gets twisted around, then I'm sure that I'm really the one to blame. Or, I'm just a whiner, who always wants a better life. Cognitive dysfunction, lack of focus, stress, fear--all keep me in my place. It is just a matter of accepting it. That's all. Many have it much worse off than I. When you say, it's something you've got to want--well, I guess that's not me. Because I can't do it. I'm really not as strong as folks see me. I take 1 step forward, and slip back 3. Thank you. love, kate Re: back now to Val Kate~ You're not going to like what I'm about to say. And I'm sure you've heard this before. I know, I've been in your shoes. REALLY!! This man has you so brainwashed into believing that you can't live without him. And believe me, the tears are just to keep you in your place. When things are good, they're real good. But, when things are bad, they're real bad. This isn't really a matter of you not being ablet to get out of the situation. This is really a matter of not knowing where to go. When to go. Who to go to. How will you be able to make ends meet. Being afraid that he'll find you.....It's basically the fear of the unknown. I can help you with some of these issues if you need help. Believe me. I'm married to a cop. There are resourses available for women just like you. But, it's something you've got to want. You've already shown how strong you are by staying in this situation. I believe you are strong enough to get out. What do you want to do? Do you want to stay and hope that one day that this will all stop? Do you want to get on with your life and have some sort of comfort? Do you want your children to keep going through this? Do you love them and yourself enough to want what's best? I'm sorry, Kate if this sounds rough. But, the choice is ultimately up to you. You are the one who has the power to decide what you want. Nobody can force you to live the kind of life that is not good for you and your kids. Now....after saying all this. I can attest to the fact that there is life after... Okay, I don't have a nice home. I don't have a lot of clothes. I don't even have any money. But, you know what I do have? I still have me. And I have children who love me and are no longer in an unsafe enviroment. (Well, they're all grown now). But, believe me, they could tell you about the things they witnessed. And most of all, I have my life back. I don't have to creep around, so as not to make too much noise, for fear of the beast's wrath. My home is a haven now. It is quiet and peaceful. Please don't feel as though you are trapped. That's exactly how he wants you to feel. Okay....enough. I love you and I will keep you in my prayers. ABC....Ask, Believe and Claim... GBU...Val ----- Original Message ----- Val~it's just life as we know it. It's been 20 yrs. Another 20 to get through. Then who knows? Another? My kids have no respect for him. He does work hard, but lets everyone know how hard he works. He complains about $ spent; and how many hours it takes for him to make such and such amount of $. I've asked him to leave at least 20 to 30 times. He won't. He cries sometimes, tells me he needs me. Then he behaves for a day, or so. Then its back to the roller coaster life. I don't work enough to make ends meet for 5 kids. I need him financially. He knows that. That is how I am tied to him. I've prayed for him to be arrested while drinking. I've prayed for even worse things to happen to him--and then prayed to God to forgive me for being so cruel! Deep, down inside, he is a good person. A decent person. A hard-working man. He just doesn't know how to communicate. He doesn't know how to interract. I'm stuck. It is life. I've tried to get away. It doesn't work. Thank you for your encouragement though. It is a dead end in my life. Just one of those things you accept, like MS. take care, love, kate No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.472 / Virus Database: 269.9.0/852 - Release Date: 6/17/07 8:23 AM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 20, 2007 Report Share Posted June 20, 2007 Kate, I agree with Val wholeheartedly on this one... This situation is not one that you accept, just like MS... There is NO excuse for his behavior (Been with an abusive husband as well, got some scars to show for it as well).. He's got some problems if he NEEDS everyone to know how hard he works.. And when he cries and tells you that he needs you.. it's one of his ways of exerting control over you. I will tell you, that NOT being controlled can be scary as all get out... but this scary is not nearly as bad as the type of scary you live with. The stress alone of living with this man IS affecting your MS.. it's also affecting your children... whether you see it yet or not.. the interaction between you and your husband, is shaping their ideas and values of what a relationship between a man and a woman is.. I've seen it in my nephew.. He sees how his father treats his mother.. like a second class citizen and less than him and just the general cave man type mentality... and I've seen him behave in the exact same manner towards his mother.. his sister.. and he tried it here with me... Didn't fly here.. someone put him in his place here right quick.. Now the question really is.. Is this situation something you would want your daughter to get into and live with the rest of her life? or Is this the behavior you would want your son to show towards his wife for the rest of his life? Because your daughter IS going to marry what she knows.. at least to some extent.. and your sons will become their fathers.. Unless they somehow learn that relationships are NOT what they have learned them to be. I'm 48 now and it took me 41 of those years to finally come to my senses.. maybe.. and realize that I don't have to live with someone who is controlling, and my every decision or move does not HAVE to revolve around what the "man in my life" thinks it should be. I married what I knew.... honestly... my first husband physically and mentally abused me.. hmmm.. when I was just a little girl.. my dad abused my mother.. physically.. the mental abuse continued as long as she allowed it... and that was into my near adulthood.. and I married first the physical and mental.. and the second time around.. though there was NO physical abuse, and it wasn't really mental abuse.. there was neglect... I did all the giving in the relationship.. I allowed him to control my life... I wasn't diagnosed with MS until AFTER I left him.. I kept waiting for him to suggest that I see a doctor for the fatigue or the other strange things that were happening.. He never did.. And I know that I sound like I'm preaching, and I really don't intend it to come out that way, but I'm sure it is.. but you are the only one who can make the decision for you to NOT live this way any longer.. and unfortunately, your decision to fix it, or not fix it.. is going to affect your children too... But I do suspect that if you decide to get yourself and them out of this situation.. that they won't be too awfully upset that there's not a ton of extra money to go around.. and that maybe just maybe they might have to get a part-time job to pay for extras (when they are old enough) that they want.. But they'll be happier with the situation changed.. and getting a part-time job isn't going to hurt them in the least.. Nor will learning how to make ends meet because it's a necessity.. But I'm here anytime you need me.. or at least I'll be here as quickly as I can be to help hold you up when you don't think you can do it alone.. If you need to.. feel free to email me directly off-group at donnaisalways@... and I'll be sure to see that one amongest the first of the emails... (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) |}onna back now to Val Val~it's just life as we know it. It's been 20 yrs. Another 20 to get through. Then who knows? Another? My kids have no respect for him. He does work hard, but lets everyone know how hard he works. He complains about $ spent; and how many hours it takes for him to make such and such amount of $. I've asked him to leave at least 20 to 30 times. He won't. He cries sometimes, tells me he needs me. Then he behaves for a day, or so. Then its back to the roller coaster life. I don't work enough to make ends meet for 5 kids. I need him financially. He knows that. That is how I am tied to him. I've prayed for him to be arrested while drinking. I've prayed for even worse things to happen to him--and then prayed to God to forgive me for being so cruel! Deep, down inside, he is a good person. A decent person. A hard-working man. He just doesn't know how to communicate. He doesn't know how to interract. I'm stuck. It is life. I've tried to get away. It doesn't work. Thank you for your encouragement though. It is a dead end in my life. Just one of those things you accept, like MS. take care, love, kate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 21, 2007 Report Share Posted June 21, 2007 Thank you for your words, . I didn't know there were online AlAnon groups--folks at the "live-in person" alanon meetings never mentioned that. I'd find that helpful, as I am nervous and apprehensive about leaving my kids with my husband due to his rage. If he's working real late, and my oldest dtr. is here, then I'll go to a meeting, but it isn't very often I get to go. blessings and hugs, kate Re: back now to Val Kate, My heart breaks for you too. You are stronger than you even know. You have 5 kids, MS and you live with an active alcoholic. There is no way you can't be a strong woman with all of that on your plate. In some form or another I have been around alcoholism all my life. Twenty years ago I had two babies and was married to a man sounds just like your hubby. What saved me was Al Anon. You might consider checking out a meeting or two. Try different ones, they are not all the same. Al Anon taught me I didn't cause the behavior or the drinking, that I couldn't control it anymore than the alcholic could and I sure as heck couldn't cure it. Addiction is a disease just like MS and it affects the whole family. Whether or not you guys stay together, Al Anon will teach you how to take control of your own life. You deserve the freedom that comes from that. If nothing else, there are some great online Al Anon groups. I will say a prayer for you. Take care of you, ok? May God bless you and keep you until we meet again! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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