Re: there is a BIIIG problem in my future

[Guest guest]

Jacquie,

I am sorry. To be honest Greggory had this sort of problem too. He

really thinks he has more friends than he does. I let him invite 10

little kids for his birthday. 2 showed up, but they are his best

friends and I was so pleased. I am sure if I invited this horrible

Tanner he would have come to but I just couldnt do it. Greggory was

pleased even if only the 2 came. But I was so worried because he had

gone on and on for months about his birthday party. I have no good

ideas I am afraid.

Jacquie H

> I'm already thinking of this because is.

>

> He keeps going on and on and on about having a birthday party. His

birthday is August 28. He's raving about balloons and cake and how

all his friends will sing happy birthday to him.

>

> Here's the problem: he only has one friend.

>

> Other kids at school are having birthday parties, and he's never

invited. I have given so many moms of the kids he likes our number,

because he wants to play with these kids outside of school. None

have called. Not one. Not even 's mother, and LOVES

. I KNOW the others are all playing together outside of school;

I'm not deaf or stupid.

>

> doesn't know it, but I know it. (not that he's deaf or

stupid -- he's just not the most observant child in the world)

>

> So here's my problem -- how do I make this kid's birthday wish come

true? At the end of the summer, when none of these kids will have

seen him for three months? When their moms go out of their waY NOT

to give me their phone numbers, and never call the one I thrust into

their hands with a big smile and an invitation to 'call any time'?

>

> I could try to stack the party with family, except I only have one

neice and one honourary neice, and they live 2 hours away in opposite

directions. And I really can't stand my brother, and the idea of

having him to my son's birthday is abhorrent, given the attitude he

has about my son.

>

> Too bad there weren't kid rentals at party supply stores. I'd rent

the whole catalog for one day. :-(

>

> Any ideas???

>

> Jacquie

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Ahh the joys of having your kids in an all autistic classroom. Everyone

comes LOL.

Well.... this depends on whether you want to save 's integrity or yours.

If it's 's, and he won't know the difference, then why not make a plea

to the other parents and ask that they all attend a party for your child,

explaining this is the first big hoopla you will be having for him, etc.

Like... accentuate the difference since even when it's not mentioned,

everyone notices. Use it to your advantage, you know? My thinking for this

is that as it is, you have nothing to lose, or so it sounds, as thus far,

you're not being included in with them. Well, I figure if that is the case,

then one pathetic plea, approaching their humane and kindhearted side,

should they have one, won't be the end of the world. All moms can

understand that we ALL want our children to have friends... even if I have

to beg for it.

Or if it's your integrity - then the above would be near impossible. In

which case, you can get together some of his other friends, like your

friends' children, cousins, nephews, etc - and make a party of your own?

Where are the other autistic children in your area? Any chance of

organizing a playgroup between now and August?

Grace

there is a BIIIG problem in my future

> I'm already thinking of this because is.

>

> He keeps going on and on and on about having a birthday party. His

birthday is August 28. He's raving about balloons and cake and how all his

friends will sing happy birthday to him.

>

> Here's the problem: he only has one friend.

>

> Other kids at school are having birthday parties, and he's never invited.

I have given so many moms of the kids he likes our number, because he wants

to play with these kids outside of school. None have called. Not one. Not

even 's mother, and LOVES . I KNOW the others are all

playing together outside of school; I'm not deaf or stupid.

>

> doesn't know it, but I know it. (not that he's deaf or stupid --

he's just not the most observant child in the world)

>

> So here's my problem -- how do I make this kid's birthday wish come true?

At the end of the summer, when none of these kids will have seen him for

three months? When their moms go out of their waY NOT to give me their

phone numbers, and never call the one I thrust into their hands with a big

smile and an invitation to 'call any time'?

>

> I could try to stack the party with family, except I only have one neice

and one honourary neice, and they live 2 hours away in opposite directions.

And I really can't stand my brother, and the idea of having him to my son's

birthday is abhorrent, given the attitude he has about my son.

>

> Too bad there weren't kid rentals at party supply stores. I'd rent the

whole catalog for one day. :-(

>

> Any ideas???

>

> Jacquie

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>> Where are the other autistic children in your area? Any chance of

> organizing a playgroup between now and August?>>

You know, this is not a bad idea...you do have some time to develop a

few friendships...even very modest relationships often make people

willing to come to a birthday party.

Another idea...is there an absolutely wonderful kid-type party place

nearby that would be totally irresistable to most kids...bait, I

know, but all's fair in Barney love and war...

Raena

[Guest guest]

I could send you one 5 year old child to borrow if you like.

Seriously, have you ever invited these children to something that

could be considered a definite planned event? Like a party? Maybe

they would be more likely to come to something like that. This is

something I'm definately not looking forward to in the future.

Could you have it at a park so that if not many children showed up

may not notice as much because he's playing? Geez, I don't know.

This is a hard one.

I guess I would just invite as many kids as you can in his class &

ask them to RSVP. Hoping for the best of course. This really sucks

because although little kids have a reputation for being mean

sometimes it's their parents who are actually the a$$h****. I hope it

turns out well for . He deserves to have a great Birthday.

Tracey

> I'm already thinking of this because is.

>

> He keeps going on and on and on about having a birthday party. His

birthday is August 28. He's raving about balloons and cake and how

all his friends will sing happy birthday to him.

>

> Here's the problem: he only has one friend.

>

> Other kids at school are having birthday parties, and he's never

invited. I have given so many moms of the kids he likes our number,

because he wants to play with these kids outside of school. None

have called. Not one. Not even 's mother, and LOVES

. I KNOW the others are all playing together outside of school;

I'm not deaf or stupid.

>

> doesn't know it, but I know it. (not that he's deaf or

stupid -- he's just not the most observant child in the world)

>

> So here's my problem -- how do I make this kid's birthday wish come

true? At the end of the summer, when none of these kids will have

seen him for three months? When their moms go out of their waY NOT

to give me their phone numbers, and never call the one I thrust into

their hands with a big smile and an invitation to 'call any time'?

>

> I could try to stack the party with family, except I only have one

neice and one honourary neice, and they live 2 hours away in opposite

directions. And I really can't stand my brother, and the idea of

having him to my son's birthday is abhorrent, given the attitude he

has about my son.

>

> Too bad there weren't kid rentals at party supply stores. I'd rent

the whole catalog for one day. :-(

>

> Any ideas???

>

> Jacquie

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Bribery. Pick something for the party that the other kids will want to do, so

they will come. Pizza party? Swim party? Maybe something like that. I know

money is a problem. When does school start? Maybe postpone 's party until

school starts and then bring in cupcakes or something.

Janae

, 9, ADD

Jake, 6, autism

[Guest guest]

How about we all meet at your house? If your serving cake than I imagine I

can make it. I'm not making light of your dilemma, just don't have any

answers for you. Sorry.

Amy H--in Michigan

Kepler 4 1/2 ASD and Bethany 6 NT

" Harmony breeds ignorance. It is the dissonant chords of life that lead us

to wisdom. " ~me

_________________________________________________________________

Chat with friends online, try MSN Messenger: http://messenger.msn.com

[Guest guest]

Well...

The only thing I can think of is that you have some work to do....and

homework.

Is there a class directory of some sort? At least the names of the children?

You live in a small town, so it shouldn't be hard to figure out their phone

numbers.

I would call Meghan's Mom AND one other Mom and get the kids together for a

play date. One hour, Mc's or whatever.

See how it goes, then try again with another child...

Keep it up... get involved in SOME activity. Doesn't matter if he's

good or not, just that he's around other children.

Then, plan your party well ahead of time, then call the Mom's a couple weeks

ahead, (better yet, send invitations with a specific RSVP.) Do it at

Mcs or somewhere that you DON'T have to do a lot of attending.

Just some ideas...

Penny

[Guest guest]

Could you ask his teacher to intervene on his behalf?

[Guest guest]

> Is there a class directory of some sort? At least the names of the

children?

> You live in a small town, so it shouldn't be hard to figure out their

phone

> numbers.

Would you believe 's last name is SMITH??? And there are 8 of them in

town. And I know that they moved here from the city, so there's no chance

of accidentally getting a family member's house by mistake...

>

> I would call Meghan's Mom AND one other Mom and get the kids together for

a

> play date. One hour, Mc's or whatever.

You overestimate my ability to talk to other people out of the blue. And

you definitely overestimate how able I am to be even a teensy bit vulnerable

to others, especially where is concerned. :-(

> Keep it up... get involved in SOME activity. Doesn't matter if he's

> good or not, just that he's around other children.

We have signed him up for soccer this summer! I am so glad we've done that,

although I am terrified of the whole thing. Marc said he will take him, and

I'll only have to go if I feel like I can handle it. Thank goodness for

Marc.

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

Well................

FWIW, I would opt for the latter too, in your situation, I think.

And you're right in that you don't need friends who aren't friends, and

neither does . For the purpose of that e-mail, I just meant that since

HE wants those particular friends there...... maybe yadda yadda..... but

again, I don't think I could do it either.

And Jacquie... all the people you kicked out of your

world ------------------------

THEY CAME INTO MINE. LOL!!!! (no wonder I'm messed up!)

Grace

Re: there is a BIIIG problem in my future

>

> > Or if it's your integrity - then the above would be near impossible. In

> > which case, you can get together some of his other friends, like your

> > friends' children, cousins, nephews, etc - and make a party of your own?

> > Where are the other autistic children in your area? Any chance of

> > organizing a playgroup between now and August?

> >

> > Grace

>

>

> I figure it must be a question of my integrity, or something approaching

> that, because THIS sounds better than the first idea of making a desparate

> plea for party guests. You're right -- THAT seems impossible.

>

> You see, I have this ridiculous notion of how the world SHOULD be. And

I'm

> not being sarcastic, I KNOW it's ridiculous. I believe that in my world,

> people should be good-hearted and generous with their time and with their

> feelings. They should give everything and everyone a chance. They should

> treat each other equally, and with respect, and reserve judgement until

> they've at least seen the facts.

>

> Basically, I refuse to take part in the world if that's not how it is.

That

> is why MY world is so small. That is why I don't even acknowledge my

> brother any more. He is jealous of the attention my son gets from my

> mother, resenting the little disabled kid for the praise he gets for doing

> things my neice just does naturally and easily. He is petty,

backstabbing,

> and small minded. He's not in my world anymore.

>

> If people spread rumours, they're not in my world.

> If people lie, they're not in my world.

> If people act like they're in high school, they're not in my world.

> If people don't say what they mean, they're not in my world.

> If people don't mean what they say, they're not in my world.

> If people say one thing and do another, they're not in my world.

> If people make promises they don't intend to keep, they're not in my

world.

> If people are good to others when it suits them, they're not in my world.

>

>

> This is why I have a VERY hard time with the begging idea. Or even the

> consciously befriending idea. These are moms who look me in the face, act

> friendly and interested and pretend that we're just like them, and then

call

> each other, get together, and invite all the kids in the class but to

> their kids' birthday parties.

>

> I don't need them. Neither does .

>

> Thank you, Grace. Your post totally clarified this issue for me.

>

> doesn't need friends who aren't friends, and neither do I.

>

> Jacquie

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> Or if it's your integrity - then the above would be near impossible. In

> which case, you can get together some of his other friends, like your

> friends' children, cousins, nephews, etc - and make a party of your own?

> Where are the other autistic children in your area? Any chance of

> organizing a playgroup between now and August?

>

> Grace

I figure it must be a question of my integrity, or something approaching

that, because THIS sounds better than the first idea of making a desparate

plea for party guests. You're right -- THAT seems impossible.

You see, I have this ridiculous notion of how the world SHOULD be. And I'm

not being sarcastic, I KNOW it's ridiculous. I believe that in my world,

people should be good-hearted and generous with their time and with their

feelings. They should give everything and everyone a chance. They should

treat each other equally, and with respect, and reserve judgement until

they've at least seen the facts.

Basically, I refuse to take part in the world if that's not how it is. That

is why MY world is so small. That is why I don't even acknowledge my

brother any more. He is jealous of the attention my son gets from my

mother, resenting the little disabled kid for the praise he gets for doing

things my neice just does naturally and easily. He is petty, backstabbing,

and small minded. He's not in my world anymore.

If people spread rumours, they're not in my world.

If people lie, they're not in my world.

If people act like they're in high school, they're not in my world.

If people don't say what they mean, they're not in my world.

If people don't mean what they say, they're not in my world.

If people say one thing and do another, they're not in my world.

If people make promises they don't intend to keep, they're not in my world.

If people are good to others when it suits them, they're not in my world.

This is why I have a VERY hard time with the begging idea. Or even the

consciously befriending idea. These are moms who look me in the face, act

friendly and interested and pretend that we're just like them, and then call

each other, get together, and invite all the kids in the class but to

their kids' birthday parties.

I don't need them. Neither does .

Thank you, Grace. Your post totally clarified this issue for me.

doesn't need friends who aren't friends, and neither do I.

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

>

> You see, I have this ridiculous notion of how the world SHOULD be.

And I'm

> not being sarcastic, I KNOW it's ridiculous. I believe that in my

world,

> people should be good-hearted and generous with their time and with

their

> feelings. They should give everything and everyone a chance. They

should

> treat each other equally, and with respect, and reserve judgement

until

> they've at least seen the facts.>>

Jacquie,

This IS how the world is supposed to be...

People SHOULD " be good-hearted and generous with their time and their

feelings " . They SHOULD " give everything and everyone a chance " .

They SHOULD " treat each other equally, and with respect, and reserve

judgement until they've at least seen the facts " .

Unfortunately, we live in a world of walking wounded, where people

grow up thinking that the most important thing in life is to blend

in, to be just like everyone else. They grow up being teased and

belittled any time they say or do something that implies they don't

fit in, and often end up denying important parts of themselves just

to avoid being left out. They don't know who they are or who anyone

else is. As a result, they are unable to reach out towards others;

they have learned in self-defense to take care of themselves

first...survival of the fittest. I have actually heard mothers say

that---your children aren't tough enough to live in the " real " world--

-it is this perspective that allows parents and teachers to stand by

while weaker children are mistreated on the playground in the name

of " socialization " ...I find it incredibly sad.

> Basically, I refuse to take part in the world if that's not how it

> is. That is why MY world is so small. >>

But if good people refuse to take part in the world, how will it ever

change?

> If people spread rumours, they're not in my world.

> If people lie, they're not in my world.

> If people act like they're in high school, they're not in my world.

> If people don't say what they mean, they're not in my world.

> If people don't mean what they say, they're not in my world.

> If people say one thing and do another, they're not in my world.

> If people make promises they don't intend to keep, they're not in

my world.

> If people are good to others when it suits them, they're not in my

world.>>

I actually understand this...I think of it as a form of shutdown, and

I have to be very careful or I do it myself. I reach a point where

someone has hurt me so many times that I suddenly realize I can't

feel anything for them...there's just nothing there. It's the same

thing that happens to our kids sensory-wise...too stressful, too much

pain---so never mind, I like my own little world much better.

>>Or even the consciously befriending idea. These are moms who look

> me in the face, act friendly and interested and pretend that we're

> just like them, and then call each other, get together, and invite

> all the kids in the class but to their kids' birthday parties.>

Are these the only possibilities for finding friends for ? I can

understand your not wanting to set yourself up with these people if

they have been so unkind to you, but aren't there some other kids

around? Maybe a year or two younger or older? You don't need a ton

of kids for a party...truth is, too many kids will probably be

overwhelming for anyway...but 4 or 5 carefully chosen

children...isn't there a way to find that many? You said that you

have three already, right? Two " cousins " and Meghan...all you need is

a couple more, some caring adults to fill in the room, and has

his party.

Actually, I don't think of " consciously befriending " as

hypocritical...just giving new people a chance, one at a time, to get

to know and see his strengths. There is that mob mentality that

allows people to be unkind to others when they are in a group...but

one on one, they often find that they have more in common

with " different " children than they thought...and our kids often do

much better one on one than in a group---can you think of it as a

chance to allow to make friends on his own terms...to meet

children in situations where he is most likely to have success?

Raena

[Guest guest]

Jacquie,

I cannot understand why 's classmates' parents

would act like this..what is wrong with them?

It's bad enough when kids exclude other kids..but the

parents..sheesh!

Well, if you think the fact that it's summer and

school is out and people are on vacations etc..may

cause kids not to attend..could you have it

early..before the end of the school year?

We've done this for 's parties and my SIL does

it for my niece..since our girls are born in July when

school is out..we have their school parties in June

before school ends.

Will be with this same group of kids next year..I

hope not..maybe he will have a nicer group of

kids..with nicer parents.

Mimi

>

> > I'm already thinking of this because is.

> >

> > He keeps going on and on and on about having a

> birthday party. His

> birthday is August 28. He's raving about balloons

> and cake and how

> all his friends will sing happy birthday to him.

> >

> > Here's the problem: he only has one friend.

> >

> > Other kids at school are having birthday parties,

> and he's never

> invited. I have given so many moms of the kids he

> likes our number,

> because he wants to play with these kids outside of

> school. None

> have called. Not one. Not even 's mother, and

> LOVES

> . I KNOW the others are all playing together

> outside of school;

> I'm not deaf or stupid.

> >

> > doesn't know it, but I know it. (not that

> he's deaf or

> stupid -- he's just not the most observant child in

> the world)

> >

> > So here's my problem -- how do I make this kid's

> birthday wish come

> true? At the end of the summer, when none of these

> kids will have

> seen him for three months? When their moms go out

> of their waY NOT

> to give me their phone numbers, and never call the

> one I thrust into

> their hands with a big smile and an invitation to

> 'call any time'?

> >

> > I could try to stack the party with family, except

> I only have one

> neice and one honourary neice, and they live 2 hours

> away in opposite

> directions. And I really can't stand my brother,

> and the idea of

> having him to my son's birthday is abhorrent, given

> the attitude he

> has about my son.

> >

> > Too bad there weren't kid rentals at party supply

> stores. I'd rent

> the whole catalog for one day. :-(

> >

> > Any ideas???

> >

> > Jacquie

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > [Non-text portions of this message have been

> removed]

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

> > Basically, I refuse to take part in the world if that's not how it

> > is. That is why MY world is so small. >>

>

> But if good people refuse to take part in the world, how will it ever

> change?

Oh, I do take part. But when and where I choose, and on my terms.

> I actually understand this...I think of it as a form of shutdown, and

> I have to be very careful or I do it myself. I reach a point where

> someone has hurt me so many times that I suddenly realize I can't

> feel anything for them...there's just nothing there. It's the same

> thing that happens to our kids sensory-wise...too stressful, too much

> pain---so never mind, I like my own little world much better.

I can see why it looks like a shutdown, but I see it differently.

To me, it's like this: you only have one life. Just one. And what you

make of it is what you get. And NOONE is going to take care of you but you.

I spent so many years trying to play the game, to act like everyone else and

to figure out that secret code that made them friends and made me confused,

and for most of my life, I was miserable. I kept trying to make people like

me. That was, like, my MISSION. Unless everyone liked me, I couldn't be

happy. then one day a wonderful therapist said to me, " does it REALLY

matter if everyone likes you? Do you like everyone you meet? "

It was like being released from prison. No, it DIDN'T matter! The only

thing that mattered was that *I* like me -- then everything else would fall

into place. So I started to cut loose from all the things that made me

unhappy about myself, and that included the drive to insinuate myself into

relationships with people who weren't straight and honest with me, because

the undercurrents and the unspoken motivations were too confusing and

undermined how I felt about myself.

It's been five years since that therapist said that to me. I know far fewer

people than I used to, but I am much happier than I've ever been before.

For the first time in my life, I KNOW what I'm about, and I know the good

things about me -- because I'm no longer hiding them behind the things I

think people want me to be.

The people who like me like me a LOT. The people who don't like me go

their way and I go mine. And at the end of the day, I am totally at peace.

I know that everyone in my life is there because they accept me for exactly

who I am, and I can say anything to them. In my personal life, there is no

more fear. none.

I am truly happy this way!

> Actually, I don't think of " consciously befriending " as

> hypocritical...just giving new people a chance, one at a time, to get

> to know and see his strengths.

No, I don't think it's hypocritical either. Just unnecessary and insulting.

I have NO interest in forcing anyone to befriend us, and be left wondering

if they're doing it out of pity or an inability to say no. I've made lots

of overtures already to these moms; their utter lack of reciprocation tells

me that there's really nothing positive to be gained by pursuing the matter

any further.

As for , I've learned a lot from this whole discussion. He, too, will

be happy with his cousins and Amber and maybe if his mother EVER calls

fromt he three times I've given her my number... I don't want anyone to be

with him because they 'have to'. He's better than that.

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

>

> I can see why it looks like a shutdown, but I see it differently.>>

I think that what you are describing is different from what I was

thinking of. In my case, I can tolerate a ton of garbage from

people, really...but once or twice in my life I found have myself

dealing with a person who causes me so much pain that I reach a point

where something snaps inside...I just look at them one day and

realize that I can't drum up any feeling for them any more...it's

just gone. I have never been able to undo that when it happens---

luckily it has only occurred a couple of times, but it's very similar

to shutdown in my mind.

> No, I don't think it's hypocritical either. Just unnecessary and

insulting.

> I have NO interest in forcing anyone to befriend us, and be left

wondering

> if they're doing it out of pity or an inability to say no. I've

made lots

> of overtures already to these moms; their utter lack of

reciprocation tells

> me that there's really nothing positive to be gained by pursuing

the matter

> any further.>>

I wasn't actually thinking of those women...I agree, they're probably

not interested in being friends or they would have done something by

now. Isn't there anyone else? I think that introducing yourself and

to a possible new friend in a quiet, controlled situation where

could show them who he really is wouldn't be forcing anything is

just opening up opportunities. Here and there, you will find a child

who enjoys being with , and a mom who is friendly. Those folks

are worth their weight in gold, I'm finding...my youngest daughter

friends, but has only one truly good friend---and guess what? They

BOTH have SI dysfunction...they understand and respect each other,

and it works.

>> He, too, will be happy with his cousins and Amber and maybe >>

I agree here, too... will enjoy the festive atmosphere and a few

friends much more than he would enjoy a room full of kids.

Raena

[Guest guest]

Jacquie,

I think I like your definitions of who should be your friends or be in your

world. It clarifies things for you and if they fit these categories, they

would accept you as you, and you wouldn't have to worry about ulterior

motives or misunderstanding them or them misunderstanding you. Now if we

could just find those people for our children's worlds too...

Sue

Re: there is a BIIIG problem in my future

>

> > Or if it's your integrity - then the above would be near impossible. In

> > which case, you can get together some of his other friends, like your

> > friends' children, cousins, nephews, etc - and make a party of your own?

> > Where are the other autistic children in your area? Any chance of

> > organizing a playgroup between now and August?

> >

> > Grace

>

>

> I figure it must be a question of my integrity, or something approaching

> that, because THIS sounds better than the first idea of making a desparate

> plea for party guests. You're right -- THAT seems impossible.

>

> You see, I have this ridiculous notion of how the world SHOULD be. And

I'm

> not being sarcastic, I KNOW it's ridiculous. I believe that in my world,

> people should be good-hearted and generous with their time and with their

> feelings. They should give everything and everyone a chance. They should

> treat each other equally, and with respect, and reserve judgement until

> they've at least seen the facts.

>

> Basically, I refuse to take part in the world if that's not how it is.

That

> is why MY world is so small. That is why I don't even acknowledge my

> brother any more. He is jealous of the attention my son gets from my

> mother, resenting the little disabled kid for the praise he gets for doing

> things my neice just does naturally and easily. He is petty,

backstabbing,

> and small minded. He's not in my world anymore.

>

> If people spread rumours, they're not in my world.

> If people lie, they're not in my world.

> If people act like they're in high school, they're not in my world.

> If people don't say what they mean, they're not in my world.

> If people don't mean what they say, they're not in my world.

> If people say one thing and do another, they're not in my world.

> If people make promises they don't intend to keep, they're not in my

world.

> If people are good to others when it suits them, they're not in my world.

>

>

> This is why I have a VERY hard time with the begging idea. Or even the

> consciously befriending idea. These are moms who look me in the face, act

> friendly and interested and pretend that we're just like them, and then

call

> each other, get together, and invite all the kids in the class but to

> their kids' birthday parties.

>

> I don't need them. Neither does .

>

> Thank you, Grace. Your post totally clarified this issue for me.

>

> doesn't need friends who aren't friends, and neither do I.

>

> Jacquie

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Jacquie -

Believe me! I do NOT overestimate your abilities.

I just recognize your weaknesses (if that's the right word), that's all...

If you can at least ask ONE person, I promise it will get easier.

Take it from someone who knows. I've been there. I do understand.

Good for you on the soccer thing....That'll help!!

Penny

You overestimate my ability to talk to other people out of the blue. And

you definitely overestimate how able I am to be even a teensy bit vulnerable

to others, especially where is concerned. :-(

[Guest guest]

> I think I like your definitions of who should be your friends or be in

your

> world. It clarifies things for you and if they fit these categories, they

> would accept you as you, and you wouldn't have to worry about ulterior

> motives or misunderstanding them or them misunderstanding you. Now if we

> could just find those people for our children's worlds too...

> Sue

I think for our higher-functioning kids, it won't come until later. If I am

any indication, they have to come to a point where they realize that trying

to change themselves to fit every situation won't work.

My mom and I talked about this yesterday. She was remembering that when I

was a pre-teen and a teenager, I would make friends by changing myself to be

exactly like that person. When I was with , I'd act like . When I

was with , I'd act like . When I was with Patty, I'd act like

Patty. I thought to make friends I had to act exactly like those friends,

right down to copying hand gestures and manners of speaking. Didn't have a

strong personality of my own. So I would go out with these people and feel

alright, but then come home and be wracked with insecurity and fear.

The BEST thing that ever happened to me was a year I lived in abject poverty

with my best friend, hundreds of miles from my hometown and Marc on the

boats. Sheri worked two jobs and had a boyfriend, so I was almost always

alone. During that time, I was forced to discover who *I* was, without

relying on anyone else to provide me with cues on how to act and be. That

was when the real me -- strong, smart, self-sufficient, and thinking in

black-and-white -- started to emerge.

Not necessarily the most attractive NT person in the world -- but ME.

That's when I started to reject everything that made me uncomfortable about

myself. And then three years later I met that therapist.

I think the most important thing I can pass on to is NOT how to become

like everybody else, but how to be always true to himself and to let THAT

guide his life among the NTs. Sure, he may not be popular or have a social

group, but one or two TRUE friends WILL find him -- and they are more

precious than all the diamonds in the world.

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

> > Patty. I thought to make friends I had to act exactly like those

friends,

> > right down to copying hand gestures and manners of speaking.

>

> Jacquie, this is exactly what Lianne Willey Holiday said at her

conference!

> She basically play acted as the person she was with. She says she

sometimes

> still does and her aspie daughter catches on to it and stops her!

OMG, REALLY???

I remember my mom telling me to stop it at the time. I didn't know what she

was talking about! The friend in question would leave and mom would say

again, " Stop acting like so-and-so. Just be yourself!!! " and I was like,

" What? " It drove her NUTS.

Jacquie

-who doesn't act like anyone else she knows -- anymore. :-) Except Marc, a

little.

[Guest guest]

Re: there is a BIIIG problem in my future

> I think for our higher-functioning kids, it won't come until later. If I

am

> any indication, they have to come to a point where they realize that

trying

> to change themselves to fit every situation won't work.

>

> My mom and I talked about this yesterday.

I love that you have your mom as someone who understands what's happening

with you. How great that must be!

She was remembering that when I

> was a pre-teen and a teenager, I would make friends by changing myself to

be

> exactly like that person. When I was with , I'd act like . When

I

> was with , I'd act like . When I was with Patty, I'd act like

> Patty. I thought to make friends I had to act exactly like those friends,

> right down to copying hand gestures and manners of speaking.

Jacquie, this is exactly what Lianne Willey Holiday said at her conference!

She basically play acted as the person she was with. She says she sometimes

still does and her aspie daughter catches on to it and stops her!

Didn't have a

> strong personality of my own. So I would go out with these people and

feel

> alright, but then come home and be wracked with insecurity and fear.

This must have been very stressful..

>

> The BEST thing that ever happened to me was a year I lived in abject

poverty

> with my best friend, hundreds of miles from my hometown and Marc on the

> boats. Sheri worked two jobs and had a boyfriend, so I was almost always

> alone. During that time, I was forced to discover who *I* was, without

> relying on anyone else to provide me with cues on how to act and be.

Sounds like a very hard time for you, even though it seems to have been

beneficial.

That

> was when the real me -- strong, smart, self-sufficient, and thinking in

> black-and-white -- started to emerge.

> Not necessarily the most attractive NT person in the world -- but ME.

I see nothing wrong with who you are. You say what you mean so people

should be comfortable and be able to trust you.

> That's when I started to reject everything that made me uncomfortable

about

> myself. And then three years later I met that therapist.

>

> I think the most important thing I can pass on to is NOT how to

become

> like everybody else, but how to be always true to himself and to let THAT

> guide his life among the NTs. Sure, he may not be popular or have a

social

> group, but one or two TRUE friends WILL find him -- and they are more

> precious than all the diamonds in the world.

This is so true!

Sue

[Guest guest]

Sorry Jacquie! I would come if we could. It's a

little far for a birthday party though. That's crappy

though about the other kids. Luckily we have enough

neices and nephews around to have more than enough

kids present.

Tamara

--- The Hunny Family wrote:

> I'm already thinking of this because is.

>

> He keeps going on and on and on about having a

> birthday party. His birthday is August 28. He's

> raving about balloons and cake and how all his

> friends will sing happy birthday to him.

>

> Here's the problem: he only has one friend.

>

> Other kids at school are having birthday parties,

> and he's never invited. I have given so many moms

> of the kids he likes our number, because he wants to

> play with these kids outside of school. None have

> called. Not one. Not even 's mother, and

> LOVES . I KNOW the others are all playing

> together outside of school; I'm not deaf or stupid.

>

> doesn't know it, but I know it. (not that he's

> deaf or stupid -- he's just not the most observant

> child in the world)

>

> So here's my problem -- how do I make this kid's

> birthday wish come true? At the end of the summer,

> when none of these kids will have seen him for three

> months? When their moms go out of their waY NOT to

> give me their phone numbers, and never call the one

> I thrust into their hands with a big smile and an

> invitation to 'call any time'?

>

> I could try to stack the party with family, except I

> only have one neice and one honourary neice, and

> they live 2 hours away in opposite directions. And

> I really can't stand my brother, and the idea of

> having him to my son's birthday is abhorrent, given

> the attitude he has about my son.

>

> Too bad there weren't kid rentals at party supply

> stores. I'd rent the whole catalog for one day.

> :-(

>

> Any ideas???

>

> Jacquie

>

>

>

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been

> removed]

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Re: there is a BIIIG problem in my future

>

> > > Patty. I thought to make friends I had to act exactly like those

> friends,

> > > right down to copying hand gestures and manners of speaking.

> >

> > Jacquie, this is exactly what Lianne Willey Holiday said at her

> conference!

> > She basically play acted as the person she was with. She says she

> sometimes

> > still does and her aspie daughter catches on to it and stops her!

>

>

> OMG, REALLY???

Yep, really! She said this is how she was able to interact socially.

>

> I remember my mom telling me to stop it at the time. I didn't know what

she

> was talking about! The friend in question would leave and mom would say

> again, " Stop acting like so-and-so. Just be yourself!!! " and I was like,

> " What? " It drove her NUTS.

>

> Jacquie

> -who doesn't act like anyone else she knows -- anymore. :-) Except Marc,

a

> little.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That's the ticket, I think....

Penny :-D

>>>>

I think the most important thing I can pass on to is NOT how to become

like everybody else, but how to be always true to himself and to let THAT

guide his life among the NTs. Sure, he may not be popular or have a social

group, but one or two TRUE friends WILL find him -- and they are more

precious than all the diamonds in the world.

Jacquie

<<<<<

[Guest guest]

Jacquie,

Have you thought about just having one or two friends

over? Maybe go bowling or take them to a movie. Make

an afternoon off it, pizza and a show or bowling and

pizza.

I think Grace had a couple of good ideas. My problem

would be that I could not stand to have lots of small

people in my house. We had a skating party for

and that worked out nicely. All I had to worry about

was the cake!

Ginger

__________________________________________________