what people say and think

[Guest guest]

Yeah, there's a topic. People say the strangest things. My wife has

breast cancer. So...

My aunt (my father's brother's wife) emailed me to say she's thinking of

us. She didn't want to trouble us with calling us and burdening us with

talking. Huh? So I called, because I like talking to both my aunt and

uncle. My aunt and I had this strange back and forth, over and over. She

said, " I didn't want to make an unwanted call, " and I said, something

like, " I like getting calls. " How can I get it across to her that I'd

prefer if she called rather than kept silent?

I'm friendly with my ex-wife's family. I told my ex's cousin, whom I'll

call A, that my wife has cancer. A told her sister R, but I hadn't

talked to R in a while. R called yesterday to invite us all to a

Chanukah gathering, and I mentioned my wife's cancer. R said she had

heard about it but wasn't going to bring it up unless I did so. What's

up with that?

I figure all the intentions are good, and I really do give people the

benefit of that doubt, but what's behind all this screwy reasoning?

Thanks.

Tom

[Guest guest]

wrote:

> *Hi Tom,*

> *I agree with your statement that most people's intentions are good, and

> that we have to overlook their " strange " statements and social 'faux

> pas' as part of the territory that goes with a cancer diagnosis.

> Personally, I had the experience of having several friends just kind of

> drop off the radar. Even my husband left me the following year. It

> really bothered me for the longest time that they would just bail on me,

> and I was quite angry. What I've concluded is this; the " Big C " is a

> topic that, understandably, scares the beegeebers out of any sane human

> being,and instead of facing it and dealing with it, themselves, most

> people prefer to remain in blissful oblivion, until it hits them. You

> seldom hear (unless you have reason to search for such information)

> about all the thousands of cancer survivors, Most people's initial

> reaction, as mine was, is that death is immenent. Don't get me wrong,

> cancer is a horrible thing. Am I sorry I got " it " ? Yes, but no.

> It forces you to face the dark and unenlightened parts of your

> psyche. When you hear that someone has " it " , or as with any other

> tragedy, it forces you to face your own mortality, the meaning of life,

> and why are we here...all that stuff. And for most people, this is

> not topics that they are at a place in their lives that they can take on

> these subjects and make peace with them. Like you implied, people

> aren't bad because cancer makes them a little squirmy (or a lot

> squirmy), just human. Just my opinion, I could be wrong...*

> *Blessings,*

> * *

True. But it's a shame. Before moving in with me and my kids, my wife

Carol lived in an apartment in NYC. (She still owns the place.) She had

a roommate, a gay guy, and she became good friends with him. a

good guy. He had an old friend named Ellen. One day, one of the women in

Carol's trio couldn't sing in a gig the trio had, so introduced

Carol to Ellen. Turns out that Ellen is a fantastic singer, so she

substituted for the woman who couldn't sing. And Carol and Ellen started

to become good friends. I met her a few times and really liked her. The

friendship seemed to have a lot of potential.

Soon after Carol's diagnosis, she sent email out to everyone and also

spread the news by word of mouth, asking others to spread it.

Ellen didn't respond. Later, Ellen sent out a mass email announcing a

music gig that her husband was having. Carol was hurt that this was the

first and only communication she got from Ellen. So she didn't respond

to Ellen in any way.

Later, Ellen left a message or sent Carol and email. I can't remember

which. It was something to the effect that had told Ellen that

" you were sick, but he says you're better now, so that's great, and I'm

glad " . Well, about to start chemotherapy is really not " better " . Carol

is sure didn't misrepresent Carol's condition. Much more likely is

that Ellen is in denial.

Yeah, in the light you put it, , it makes sense that Ellen is

avoiding her own mortality. But even still, it hurts. I'm sad for Carol.

I also wanted to be more friendly with Ellen, her husband, and son.

And I was tempted to talk to Ellen to say where we stand, but I realize

that saying anything at all would be out of line. So I've held my tongue.

Tom

[Guest guest]

Oh, another thing is that my wife's parents are sending her articles.

One was about how to prevent breast cancer! Too late for that. My God,

that seems pretty f*cking heartless of them, as if they're telling her

what she did wrong. I know they don't mean it that way, but jeez.

Tom