Re: Hard Times

[Guest guest]

Looking at this objectively, I'd say that you recognize that you are

being manipulated by your mom and grandparents, and you're feeling

powerless and frustrated and upset about that and you took it out on

your husband. My guess is that you are feeling sucky right now

because you realize that you owe your husband an apology.

You can't control what your mother does or says; it sounds like she is

really manipulative and passive-aggressive and is using her parents as

weapons of revenge to get back at you and your husband.

My suggestion is that you stand up to her; she is being quite ugly and

destructive in a very underhanded way. I think that if you write a

letter to both your mother AND her parents saying that your husband

*has* apologized to her, several times, and it is your understanding

that your mother has accepted the apology, and as far as you are

concerned that's the end of it.

But (you would add in your letter) if your mother continues to

badmouth your husband to the family, then that is a deal-breaker.

You are perfectly within your rights to cut off contact with your

mother for disrespecting your husband and for trying to cause turmoil

and anguish within the family. You would expect your husband to stand

up for you, if you were being mistreated by someone in his family, I

would think?

Here's hoping you rear up on your hind legs and take a stand with your

mother who is being very hateful and destructive. Keeping my fingers

crossed for you!

-Annie

>

> I am struggling a lot right now, and I don't know what else to do.

> My husband has been gone for a week, and as I was driving to the

> airport to pick him up, I got a call from his dad. We are both from

> the same small town, so his dad is friends with my grandparents. He

> told me that my mom has been speaking to my grandparents (her

> pareants) about my husband and his relationship with my mom. They

> are upset about the whole situation now, too. My mom and I had a big

> blowout and my husband came to my defense, and things have not been

> good between them since. He has tried to apologize for things he

> said. He wrote two letters and called on the phone. To him my mom

> says things are fine, but then she tells other people, like my

> grandparents, that things are not ok. That she's still really

> hurt/mad. So, when my father in law called to tell me this, I took

> it pretty well from him. He thinks my husband should apologize in

> person and not leave until it's really settled for sure, but I don't

> think it can get settled. Plus, I feel like he's apologized so many

> times. What does it take?

>

> Anyway, I'm really hurt because my mom would be spreading stuff about

> my husband and telling me that the problem is ok, and asking us to

> come visit when it is obviously not ok at all. She won't even be

> honest with me about it at all.

>

> Anyway, I'm feeling really bad about it, and then I feel like I

> shouldn't feel bad about it that it's not a big deal, but I do. Then

> I pick my husband up at the airport and I end up taking it out on

> him. Then he gets upset with me. So now I just feel at a loss. My

> husband is upset with me, my mom is upset with me for loving him (I

> guess...who really knows) and has major issues with him that she

> won't even talk to me about.

>

> The fact that my mom is so upsetting to me makes me want to stop

> talking to her once and for all. But maybe I shouldn't even be

> upset. I'm just really sad that I ended up pushing my husband away

> over it all. And now I really am all alone tonight and it feels

> sucky.

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, and I wanted to add that I know exactly what it is like to have

had a fight with a long-time, close friend, to apologize (many times)

and to believe that the friend accepted my apology and that everything

was OK between us, only to discover that the " friend " was still

enraged with me and doing things to " get back " at me in an underhanded

way!

So very creepy and frightening, to be the target of an enraged

narcissist/bpd person!

After a year, I finally figured out that the various " anonymous "

hostile posts and e-mails I was receiving were all coming from the

same IP address, which happened to be the same as my " old friend's "

IP address.

Once you tick off a bpd/narcissist they can become very enraged and

vindictive, but in some cases (like mine) they will seek their revenge

in a " safe " way, indirectly, from the safety of an anonymous Internet

ID post or from the safety of " the family. " So, just be aware of this

tactic and take your stand with your eyes wide open. Forewarned is

forearmed.

-Annie