Re: venting-but i need advice please

[Guest guest]

My nada has never adopted in a sense anyone. I have however watch her

fall in deep like with a co-worker- relative, whomever. Even my

daughter, who she things is her daughter.

This people may be put on a pedestal, and I see this loving side to

nada and I have even experienced it- but then everyone gets de-

throned. I have never seen my nada love unconditionally. Somehow the

disturbiing nada comes through- then God help your cousin and their

family.

Though this may seem generous and loving on your nada's end, she

already has a family, and this is her sister's family- so to me, she

is being a bp- she is not respecting boundaries.

My mother not only wants to be treated like my daughter's mother, but

my daughter is dating and she wants this boyfriend to be part of her

life, like it is her new son inlaw. No! This is my daughter, this is

her boyfriend and then aren't even engaged.

No bp ever gives without an agenda- give it time, and said to say-

the real nada will be revealed.

Malinda

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Beach Bunny "

wrote:

>

> I really am in some desperate need for some serious advice from

people who

> " get it " . Hubby has tried but i don't think he really gets what I

am going

> through right now.

>

> As most of you know, the golden child (my cousin) has moved into

town with

> his family. He truly can do no wrong and I am not exaggerating when

i say

> that nada is so obsessed with him it is totally scary. Well nada

has

> decided to adopt the entire family as her own...cousin is her son,

his wife,

> her daughter and their child her grandchild. It's caused great

tension in

> our family not only with my brother and I, but with my cousin's

> mother...nada's sister. The accusation is used that nada

is " stealing " her

> family many times on a daily basis...which is true.

>

> I dunno...i'm perplexed because she treats cousin's wife the way I

always

> wanted to be treated...the respect...the unconditional love...the

pride in

> EVERYTHING she does. I'm left feeling like she is capable of being

a good

> mom....she's a great mom to cousin in law, but to me she is

still...well

> BPD...NADA. It's like she can flip it on and flip it off and

CHOOSES to be

> the horrible witch to me. I'm hurt and disgusted and i just really

don't

> know what to do...any advice?

>

> --

> Kisses and Nibbles,

> Bunny

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I don't think there's much you can do. If your nada is anything

like mine, she'll eventually find a reason to be upset with your

cousin and his family and then she'll turn against them. My nada

eventually turns against everybody who gets close to her. She

has never tried " adopting " another family member, probably

because she has no other family members on this side of the

country, but she tends to go around picking up less fortunate

people to befriend and shower with her " help " . Once there was a

schizophrenic woman who had lost custody of her two kids. She

lived with my nada for months and my nada paid for a storage

facility for her belongings and thousands of dollars for a

lawyer to help her get her kids back. (The daughter's father was

given custody of both kids. The woman was simply not capable of

taking care of them.) The day of the actual trial, my nada

finally realized that the kids were with people they loved and

were better off there. I think she ended up spending something

like $9,000 on this woman. Those dollars would have been really

helpful to my sister who was putting herself through college at

the time, but nada begrudged her every penny that she was given.

Once she realized that she had been wrong, nada kicked out the

woman and as far as I know never even talked to her again. I

think your cousin and his wife will eventually suffer for their

" adoption " by your nada. It may take a while but I think it will

happen. Nadas are nadas. Their basic nature doesn't change. If

she's showering your cousin and his family with love right now

it is for her own purposes, not for them.

At 02:51 AM 11/13/2008 Beach Bunny wrote:

>I really am in some desperate need for some serious advice from

>people who

> " get it " . Hubby has tried but i don't think he really gets what

>I am going

>through right now.

>

>As most of you know, the golden child (my cousin) has moved

>into town with

>his family. He truly can do no wrong and I am not exaggerating

>when i say

>that nada is so obsessed with him it is totally scary. Well

>nada has

>decided to adopt the entire family as her own...cousin is her

>son, his wife,

>her daughter and their child her grandchild. It's caused great

>tension in

>our family not only with my brother and I, but with my cousin's

>mother...nada's sister. The accusation is used that nada is

> " stealing " her

>family many times on a daily basis...which is true.

>

>I dunno...i'm perplexed because she treats cousin's wife the

>way I always

>wanted to be treated...the respect...the unconditional

>love...the pride in

>EVERYTHING she does. I'm left feeling like she is capable of

>being a good

>mom....she's a great mom to cousin in law, but to me she is

>still...well

>BPD...NADA. It's like she can flip it on and flip it off and

>CHOOSES to be

>the horrible witch to me. I'm hurt and disgusted and i just

>really don't

>know what to do...any advice?

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I agree with the other posters. It it only a matter of time before

nada paints her new adopted family black. It hurts so much to watch

our nadas treat other people the " right way " but her behavior isn't

genuine, it's all an act. You know the " real " nada and can see

through this manipulation. Unfortunately for your cousin and her

family, they probably don't. But they will in time. It's like that

old saying, the truth always comes out in the end.

>

> I really am in some desperate need for some serious advice from

people who

> " get it " . Hubby has tried but i don't think he really gets what I am

going

> through right now.

>

> As most of you know, the golden child (my cousin) has moved into

town with

> his family. He truly can do no wrong and I am not exaggerating when

i say

> that nada is so obsessed with him it is totally scary. Well nada has

> decided to adopt the entire family as her own...cousin is her son,

his wife,

> her daughter and their child her grandchild. It's caused great

tension in

> our family not only with my brother and I, but with my cousin's

> mother...nada's sister. The accusation is used that nada is

" stealing " her

> family many times on a daily basis...which is true.

>

> I dunno...i'm perplexed because she treats cousin's wife the way I

always

> wanted to be treated...the respect...the unconditional love...the

pride in

> EVERYTHING she does. I'm left feeling like she is capable of being

a good

> mom....she's a great mom to cousin in law, but to me she is still...well

> BPD...NADA. It's like she can flip it on and flip it off and CHOOSES

to be

> the horrible witch to me. I'm hurt and disgusted and i just really

don't

> know what to do...any advice?

>

> --

> Kisses and Nibbles,

> Bunny

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I understand your pain, and sense of abandonment.  My Nada also is great to

those " strangers " she feels are in need, and terrible to some of her family. 

That is part of why I finally went to very limited contact with her. That way I

have less knowledge of her behavior, and it makes it easier to keep my life on

an even keel.  Her crazy stuff doesn't mess up my life so much, especially since

a lot of times I don't even know about what she is doing anymore.  It is sad,

but easier than the constant emotional upheavals.

>I really am in some desperate need for some serious advice from

>people who

> " get it " . Hubby has tried but i don't think he really gets what

>I am going

>through right now.

>

>As most of you know, the golden child (my cousin) has moved

>into town with

>his family. He truly can do no wrong and I am not exaggerating

>when i say

>that nada is so obsessed with him it is totally scary. Well

>nada has

>decided to adopt the entire family as her own...cousin is her

>son, his wife,

>her daughter and their child her grandchild. It's caused great

>tension in

>our family not only with my brother and I, but with my cousin's

>mother...nada' s sister. The accusation is used that nada is

> " stealing " her

>family many times on a daily basis...which is true.

>

>I dunno...i'm perplexed because she treats cousin's wife the

>way I always

>wanted to be treated...the respect...the unconditional

>love...the pride in

>EVERYTHING she does. I'm left feeling like she is capable of

>being a good

>mom....she' s a great mom to cousin in law, but to me she is

>still...well

>BPD...NADA. It's like she can flip it on and flip it off and

>CHOOSES to be

>the horrible witch to me. I'm hurt and disgusted and i just

>really don't

>know what to do...any advice?

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I'd just suggest you try to take a step back. You know your mom

isn't healthy or normal. I can understand why you'd feel hurt, but

in reality, Bunny, you're not doing yourself any good by worrying

about it so much. What I hope you will keep working toward is just

letting go. Let go of the hope that your mother could ever be what

you need her to be. And let her and your aunt and your cousins go on

with the crazy if they want to--YOU have the power to choose not to

be involved in the drama. And by that, I mean, stop listening to all

the gossip about who's adopting whom and who's stealing whose

family. Go do something else, think about something else, and

detach. (I know that is easier said than done, but you can do it).

Of course, if you want to feel hurt about it or need to examine that

feeling, that's ok, you have every right to your feelings and

sometimes it can be really beneficial, especially if you're someone

who hasn't ever been allowed to do that before. But the pattern I

see with you from your postings is this: your foo does something

crazy, and you still emotionally invest in the situation, you get

upset, you let it eat at you until you get depressed. THEY ARE NEVER

GOING TO BE NORMAL. Sure, you deserve a mom who could love you and

take care of you, but that's not what you got. I really think it

would help you to restrict contact with them. Set a boundary about

the gossip. And for goodness sake, MAKE A CONCRETE PLAN WITH A

TIMELINE for moving away from her. I can't believe you are still

neighbors.

kt

[Guest guest]

This is a helpful post, thank you, along with others in this strand;

also for me and the behavior of my nada. She is very self righteous

when it comes to helping " the less fortunate " , in our family a range

of people and acquaintances from the third world, refugees, people

she meets when she travels. She treats her Eastern European help in

the house as a daugther in a more loving way than she sometimes

treats her daughters; and she's even quite explicit about her

motivations: 'she at least accepts what I give her, she does not talk

back, she's a good girl.' Litterally! Because often when I have

visited her, she wants to give me all kinds of foods that I don't

need and is angry when I refuse to take them home. When I don't feel

up to her and I just accept it, the smell of this food makes me

nauseous. It almost always ends up in the garbage.

I don't know whether this is a fake act, I think she really believes

she can be a good person when she helps the 'less fortunate'. it is

quite a childish reasoning, immature, and an easy way to soothe your

own feelings of guilt -- which she should legitimately have, and

maybe does have, but bends them in such incomprehensible and

illogical ways, that she never does anything constructive with it.

She says and writes things like, I am not trustworthy, or, I have a

bad character, or even, like I read in another post here, that she

enjoyed giving us some good well deserved spanking (while it was more

a severe beating, but OK, so far for the nuances), that it gave her

relief from anger. And it probably does. I try not to place myself

into her mind, because that is toxic, and I have done it a long time

in an attempt to 'get' her, to understand the borderline mother...

that is also why I have a hard time reading the books that are

addressed to " patients with borderline and their families " -- that

creeps me out. Well I got a bit off track here, sorry for that... but

I was trying to reflect on why our nadas can sometimes be loving,

good, even fairly consistent in their " love " , until the other person

starts to " speak back " , or in another way changes the power dynamic.

Best to all, Katrina

>

> I'd just suggest you try to take a step back. You know your mom

> isn't healthy or normal. I can understand why you'd feel hurt, but

> in reality, Bunny, you're not doing yourself any good by worrying

> about it so much. What I hope you will keep working toward is just

> letting go. Let go of the hope that your mother could ever be what

> you need her to be. And let her and your aunt and your cousins go

on

> with the crazy if they want to--YOU have the power to choose not to

> be involved in the drama. And by that, I mean, stop listening to

all

> the gossip about who's adopting whom and who's stealing whose

> family. Go do something else, think about something else, and

> detach. (I know that is easier said than done, but you can do it).

>

> Of course, if you want to feel hurt about it or need to examine

that

> feeling, that's ok, you have every right to your feelings and

> sometimes it can be really beneficial, especially if you're someone

> who hasn't ever been allowed to do that before. But the pattern I

> see with you from your postings is this: your foo does something

> crazy, and you still emotionally invest in the situation, you get

> upset, you let it eat at you until you get depressed. THEY ARE

NEVER

> GOING TO BE NORMAL. Sure, you deserve a mom who could love you and

> take care of you, but that's not what you got. I really think it

> would help you to restrict contact with them. Set a boundary about

> the gossip. And for goodness sake, MAKE A CONCRETE PLAN WITH A

> TIMELINE for moving away from her. I can't believe you are still

> neighbors.

>

> kt

>

[Guest guest]

The previous posters have given you excellent feedback and advice, in

my opinion. Yes, it does hurt when your own mother is seemingly sweet

and kind and generous to another family while being indifferent or

even hateful to you and her own grand-kids: but just keep reminding

yourself that your mother is mentally ill. BPD and the " Cluster B "

pds are severe mental illnesses.

Her seeming kindnesses have big, sharp hooks in them, and they have

strings (more like steel cables) attached. As the earlier posters

have said, when the " golden family " fails to give your nada what she

expects is her due, they will be vilified, painted black, and discarded.

What the bpd is looking for in return is total control. Bpds aren't

capable of nor do they seek normal adult relationships, they only want

pets or slaves or a small child that will gaze at them in quivering

adoration, perform clever tricks, obey commands instantly, never argue

with them, and never leave them because the pet/slave/child is so

abjectly dependent on them. Bpds think it is their right and due to

treat their possession any way they wish, when they feel like it, for

whatever reason they deem fit. Its the pet's/child's/slave's job to

be the living punching bag and then beg for forgiveness for having

upset nada.

I think bpds should only be allowed to have pets, not children,

because if the bpds mistreat their pets the neighbors and the law will

be all over their ass a lot faster and harder than they will when

children are mistreated.

-Annie

>

> I'd just suggest you try to take a step back. You know your mom

> isn't healthy or normal. I can understand why you'd feel hurt, but

> in reality, Bunny, you're not doing yourself any good by worrying

> about it so much. What I hope you will keep working toward is just

> letting go. Let go of the hope that your mother could ever be what

> you need her to be. And let her and your aunt and your cousins go on

> with the crazy if they want to--YOU have the power to choose not to

> be involved in the drama. And by that, I mean, stop listening to all

> the gossip about who's adopting whom and who's stealing whose

> family. Go do something else, think about something else, and

> detach. (I know that is easier said than done, but you can do it).

>

> Of course, if you want to feel hurt about it or need to examine that

> feeling, that's ok, you have every right to your feelings and

> sometimes it can be really beneficial, especially if you're someone

> who hasn't ever been allowed to do that before. But the pattern I

> see with you from your postings is this: your foo does something

> crazy, and you still emotionally invest in the situation, you get

> upset, you let it eat at you until you get depressed. THEY ARE NEVER

> GOING TO BE NORMAL. Sure, you deserve a mom who could love you and

> take care of you, but that's not what you got. I really think it

> would help you to restrict contact with them. Set a boundary about

> the gossip. And for goodness sake, MAKE A CONCRETE PLAN WITH A

> TIMELINE for moving away from her. I can't believe you are still

> neighbors.

>

> kt

>

[Guest guest]

Excellent comments in the previous posts. As everyone has said,

once your cousin gets to know nada and realizes she is not perfect

she will begin painting them black. In the meantime, it is hurtful

watching her treat them so well and knowing she would never do the

same for you. My nada adopted a replacement daughter from an

internet chat room when I was in high school. This girl shared some

of her interests and had a horrible mother so they became best

buddies and sent each other packages, talked frequently and even

flew out to visit one another. Whenever the girl came to visit us I

was expected to hang around and make her feel welcome while nada

would take her on fun trips, like to the beach, that I wasn't

invited on (or invited so last minute I couldn't get out of work).

She took pictures on that beach trip of the replacement daughter, my

sibling and my dad all together like one big happy family. The

pictures graced her office for years without a single picture of me

displayed. At home I got to hear constantly how " " was

exceeding at everything she did and wouldn't it be nice if I were

half as smart and motivated. In the end got her own life and

drifted away a little and nada started painting her black. Now if

you ask about her nada tries to say was the weird, clingy one

and nada had to break away because she didn't think was right

in the head.

> >

> > I'd just suggest you try to take a step back. You know your mom

> > isn't healthy or normal. I can understand why you'd feel hurt,

but

> > in reality, Bunny, you're not doing yourself any good by

worrying

> > about it so much. What I hope you will keep working toward is

just

> > letting go. Let go of the hope that your mother could ever be

what

> > you need her to be. And let her and your aunt and your cousins

go on

> > with the crazy if they want to--YOU have the power to choose not

to

> > be involved in the drama. And by that, I mean, stop listening

to all

> > the gossip about who's adopting whom and who's stealing whose

> > family. Go do something else, think about something else, and

> > detach. (I know that is easier said than done, but you can do

it).

> >

> > Of course, if you want to feel hurt about it or need to examine

that

> > feeling, that's ok, you have every right to your feelings and

> > sometimes it can be really beneficial, especially if you're

someone

> > who hasn't ever been allowed to do that before. But the pattern

I

> > see with you from your postings is this: your foo does something

> > crazy, and you still emotionally invest in the situation, you

get

> > upset, you let it eat at you until you get depressed. THEY ARE

NEVER

> > GOING TO BE NORMAL. Sure, you deserve a mom who could love you

and

> > take care of you, but that's not what you got. I really think it

> > would help you to restrict contact with them. Set a boundary

about

> > the gossip. And for goodness sake, MAKE A CONCRETE PLAN WITH A

> > TIMELINE for moving away from her. I can't believe you are

still

> > neighbors.

> >

> > kt

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think I get what you are talking about. My nada has done something

similar to that. There are families that she talks about as

the " perfect " family and wishes to " steal " the husband, including her

friends' husbands.... Quite a few women were clearly offended, but

nada's blind to their feelings. Nada never succeeded in " stealing "

anyone though, but always ended up angry at the man she " liked very

much " and ended up calling him a very bad man or such.

The only man that stays " perfect " in her perception is my paternal

grandpa. She treats the grandpa with extra attention and flatters (or

attemps to flirt with?) him a lot in front of my grandma. One time

she told me she wished grandpa were my dad instead of my actual dad,

and sobbed. (GROSS!) I wonder if your nada is anything like mine,

maybe she's thinking of the cousin's as " perfect " or " all-good " right

now. My grandpa stayed to be the " perfect " man because he stayed

distant and rarely communicated with nada. If that's the case, unless

your cousin's are very good at keeping their distance from your nada,

who knows one day your nada'll switch her view from all-good to all-

bad on them.

>

> I really am in some desperate need for some serious advice from

people who

> " get it " . Hubby has tried but i don't think he really gets what I

am going

> through right now.

>

> As most of you know, the golden child (my cousin) has moved into

town with

> his family. He truly can do no wrong and I am not exaggerating when

i say

> that nada is so obsessed with him it is totally scary. Well nada

has

> decided to adopt the entire family as her own...cousin is her son,

his wife,

> her daughter and their child her grandchild. It's caused great

tension in

> our family not only with my brother and I, but with my cousin's

> mother...nada's sister. The accusation is used that nada

is " stealing " her

> family many times on a daily basis...which is true.

>

> I dunno...i'm perplexed because she treats cousin's wife the way I

always

> wanted to be treated...the respect...the unconditional love...the

pride in

> EVERYTHING she does. I'm left feeling like she is capable of being

a good

> mom....she's a great mom to cousin in law, but to me she is

still...well

> BPD...NADA. It's like she can flip it on and flip it off and

CHOOSES to be

> the horrible witch to me. I'm hurt and disgusted and i just really

don't

> know what to do...any advice?

>

> --

> Kisses and Nibbles,

> Bunny

>

>

>