Panic Attacks

[Guest guest]

I don't know about the rest of you but on occassion, now a days about

twice a year, I have a whopping panic attack. After it happens I can

go through and pick out the top five triggers leading up to the

attack. I can even identify the physical condition that starts the

cascade. So I am confident I have the process 90% under control.

There was a time when I had an attack once a month and for a time

once every other day. So you can see why I am pretty pleased with my

progress. I would love to be able to get the attacks down to once a

year or never again. Lofty goals, but I have to have something to

shoot for. I find that seltzer water helps because it relieves some

of the discomfort that builds up in my stomach. I also do deep

breathing and calming visualization to break the adrenaline build up

and I can short circuit the cascade from four to five hours down to

half an hour to an hour.

All of this I have done on my own and am pretty proud of my success.

So why am I venting.

My nada. Surprised?

It is in these moments that I need the comfort of my mother even

though she has had a great deal to do with creating the syndrome in

the first place with her bull $hit and coldness towards me. It is the

one link I cannot break. The sound of her voice when she is in a good

mood and can think of me first is as soothing as anyone would expect

it should be. But dammit she has the attention span of a freaking

gnat. I called her after the worst of the episode was over and she

greeted me as warmly as I ever hoped for, she sympathized with me and

offered kind support....for ten minutes. Then she was done with me.

The golden child and his daughter were over and she had given me as

much of her time as she thought necessary and had to get back to her

guests. Never mind that this woman has carried on 90 minute

conversations with other people while my son and I were in her house

visiting.

Don't get me wrong for her I was lucky she didn't tell me to call

back later or have her cut me off sooner. I am a veteran of this BS,

logically I can dissect what is going on, I can predict her behavior,

I can fend her off when she is on a tear, I can defend my child when

she goes after him. I know what she is capable of and while I am not

surprised she that she hustled me off the phone with several

seemingly heartfelt I love yous (she had an audience after all), the

one thing she did not ask was, will you be all right? A simple little

thing to be sure, something I needed to hear.

Day by day, bit by bit, my expectations of her are becoming

increasingly diminished. If I could get past this one thing, she will

cease to have any sort of hold over me. But it is a hard thing to get

past. It is that last trap, that last opportunity and every time I

call her I prepare myself for the worst and am pleasently surprised

when she is sympathetic in the least. Perhaps if the golden child had

not been there she might have stayed on the phone a bit longer. I

know that is a fool's wish. The bonds between a child and its mother

are the deepest there are. I am not surprised that even being in the

fairly secure place I am with my relationship with my family, that I

am caught off guard when I am emotionally at my lowest and seek their

support. I know better than to call my brother, if it is not about

him then it has no importance. But I will make that call to my mother

on the off chance that she will react to me in the way that I need

her to and as she would if she behaved normally.

I am much better now and I will steadily make progress on all fronts.

Still I am human and I thank you for the opportunity to post this to

get it out of my system. This board is a large part of my recovery

and a source of strength.

Be strong.