Lost....again

[Guest guest]

Hey Everyone,

Well it has been a while, and I am going to forewarn you that this is probably

going to be long, so don't feel you need to read on, but i need to vent a bit,

and ask of some advice for anyone willing to advise.

To catch you all up-to-date since i havent posted in a while. I saw my parents

3 weekends ago for the first time since around X-Mas, it was at my brothers

graduation from the police academy, something i was not going to miss even if my

parents were there. I went there with a strict plan i intened to stick to. Go

there, celebrate my brother, ignore anything and any attempt my mother makes at

starting drama, and just be there for my brother, nothing else. So....when i

got there, even though my grandma (who i love) was with my parents, i sat with

my wife by ourselves. After, we met up with my family, and my brother to

congradulate him. Very shortly after talking to my brother, my mom motions for

me to go off to the side with her. Me thinking that all she is trying to do is

get me by myself to try and talk about " our situation " . So i shake my head no.

She motions again, and i repeat the same motion. After this she motions to me

asking if I want to

go to dinner with them after for my bro's graduation. I then reply " Oh, no,

but thank you, i need to get back to work " (it was at 1 in the afternoon on a

Friday, and i really did have work i needed to finish up before the weekend).

So, my mom's attitutude after this changed, and there was no more attempts at

trying to talk to me. A side note that creeped me out however: My dad did try

to talk to me, but by interupting someone else i was talking to, so ignored it.

Shortly after, without saying anything, he reaches over and rubs something off

my lip that i had on it, instead of just telling me i had something on me. This

really, really, creeped me out, i dont know if i am being weird, but it freaked

me out. He didnt say anything else to me after that. Well, the remainder of

the time there, my wife and I enjoyed my bro's company, and sat and talked with

my grandma and my aunt and uncle. After a bit, we realize my parents walked out

with my

brother, so we all follow. Trying to be the bigger person, I told my wife we

were going to go up and say goodbye to my parents. Well, before we could get

there, my dad already had gotten into his car, so i made no further attempt. My

mother came up to me, and as she is walking up, i say " sorry again i cant go to

dinner, i really have to finish some work today. " Her response was a short

" it's fine. " and she gave me a hug, and then when my wife approached to hug my

mom, my mom walked around her and ignored her gesture and just said " goodbye " .

I was very tempted to say something, but my wife grabed my hand and i withheld.

That evening (at 12:30 at night) my mom sent me a text appologizing, and just

saying she was disappointed we couldnt make it. I replied with " I appreciate

your apology " and that was that.

Well i should have known better that this was not the end of it. On Monday i

get a phone call from my aunt (different aunt then was at the graduation). She

has tried to talk to me before about the situation with my parents, but have

refused. I love this aunt and respect her, but know that she only sees my

parents side. Well, she said she had to see me that night to talk to me about

whats going on with my parents. I told her that i was not going to do this, it

was between my parents and I. Her reply was that it is not, that this is a

cancer in our family, and it is affecting everyone. I told her i was sorry, but

i dont feel like discussing this. Her response was that I dont sound sorry,

that i sound very cold. That she sees how sad my dad is all the time from this,

and it needs to be fixed. We then got off the phone.

I called her back and insisted she listend to me now. I told her that i am

sorry that she sees my dad so sad all the time, and understand she is just

trying to help her brother. I also said i am sorry if i come across being cold,

and that maybe i am, but after how long this has gone on, maybe it is the way

that i cope with dealing with this. I told her that i do love my parents, and

my parents used to be my most apprent people in my life, but when i got married,

my wife and I were my new family, and we are number one, and my parents follow.

If anyone were to threaten my family (my wife and I), no matter who it was

threatening it, i would defend it. And i told her my parents multiple times have

attempted to break up my wife and I, or keep us from getting married. My aunt

was very impressed at how articulate i was, and said why cant i just tell my

parents these feelings. I told her I have multiple times, and they refuse to

acknowledge them, and told

her had they just even said, " i am sorry you feel this way " , it would have gone

a long way for me, but their response each time was to get angry with me, and

defend themselves. She then said well, i dont think there is anything your

parents can say to make you feel better. My response was " No, i think there is

something they could say to make me feel better, but i do not think they are

capable of doing it. " She told me she would keep what was said between us, but

tell my parents to just keep giving me space, and i will contact them when i am

ready.

I really think it ended up going ok with my aunt, i am not sure how much she was

just placating me, and how much she understood. She said at one point that she

did believe my parent may be sick, or not good parents of an adult child, but

said that they arent going to change, that i need to learn to deal with how they

are.

This is where i need advice. How do you do this? I am terrified of trying to

open up relations with them, but feel maybe it is the right thing to do. My

dad's bday is coming up next week, and thought maybe that would be a good time

to start talking to them again, but i am so (i kind of sound like a baby here)

scared. I know that to have a relationship with them, i am going to have to see

them much more then i want to, and do a bunch of things to " please " them, and i

just dont know if i have it in me. By not choosing to do this, i feel like i

cant push the rest of my family that much further, and they are going to take

their side on this, and i will be all alone. Any advice on how to interact with

your BPD's again, or how to handle my situation would be greatly appreciated.

Sorry for the long winded email, and thanks for all your help!

T