Re: Does this sound familiar?

October 31, 2008

" Yes " to so many items on your list, with only minor variations, and

just a substitution of " nada " (for " not-a-mom " ) instead of father.

Its amazing how much all of the borderlines'/narcissists' behaviors

have in common!

I'd add to that that I went through a phase in 7th-8th-9th grade when

I was so beaten down emotionally that I had great difficulty making

myself look at other people in the face. I was afraid I'd see

contempt and ridicule in their eyes. I think that was because my nada

forced me to look her in the eyes as she screamed abuse at me just a

few inches away from my face, and all I could see were her eyes hating

and despising me. I'd get slapped if I looked away.

-Annie

>

> As I learn more about our shared experiences I am trying to think of

running

> themes from my childhood that might apply. Let me know if these sound

> familiar:

>

> 1. I was not allowed to lock my room, my father didn¹t like when I

shut my

> door. He insisted that everything in the house was ³his²

> 2. If something of mine was in his way, it was within his right to

destroy

> it

> 3. No matter if it was my special occasion or not, I had to pose for

every

> single picture that he wanted or he¹d get mad although he never

looked at

> the pictures when they were developed

> 4. He always said ³you¹re not doing it right/STOP! It has to be done

this

> way/That¹s not how you do it² followed by ³I don¹t know why I am the

only

> one around here that does anything.

> 5. the sound of the garage door opening struck fear into my heart and it

> would mean the scramble to make sure nothing was out of place (I

still jump

> when I hear it)

> 6. My B grades weren¹t good enough and I got a lecture about how I

wasn¹t

> trying hard enough and how I had disappointed him

> 7. I was under NO circumstances to fight back no matter what my

father did

> and if I did in the slightest it got worse including him cutting

my nails

> short if he ever got scratched (he used to hold me down and tickle me

> insisting it was ³fun² when it was really torture for me) - I guess

that is

> a lack of boundaries?!?!

> 8. I have never been a morning person EVER and my father refuses to

> acknowledge that I¹ve told him this, my mom has told him this but

> continued to talk to me in the morning and get mad (as in refusing

to speak

> to me later) when I would get annoyed.

> 9. Vacations were a total nightmare worse than being at home. Just

> getting to the airport was pure evil.

> 10. He would hit me and call me names and then get mad at me when I

didn¹t

> want him to touch me.

> 11. I would get in trouble if I had to go to the bathroom too often

when we

> were out. I also had to plan my bathroom stops at any age when we

were on

> road trips. I only got to go to the bathroom when we had to stop

for gas.

> 12. I learned to hate anything in myself that made me different. I

wished

> forever that I could just tow the line and do what was expected of

me, but I

> never could.

> 13. I didn¹t have many friends and when I did, I was constantly testing

> them. My social skills were awful.

>

> I¹ve mentioned this list to my mom and she agrees that a lot of what you

> guys say sounds familiar. I¹m still trying to sort it all out...

>

> Shari

>

October 31, 2008

YES! YES! YES! My nada would grab me and force me to look into her

eyes while she screamed at me, inches from her face, as well!

Eventually, I learned that if I looked at her EYEBROWS, she would

think I was looking into her eyes. I had them memorized, the way she

plucked them in 1960's style, with a ball-shape on the inside. How

those eyebrows made me sick.

my nada

> forced me to look her in the eyes as she screamed abuse at me just a

> few inches away from my face, and all I could see were her eyes hating

> and despising me. I'd get slapped if I looked away.

>

> -Annie

October 31, 2008

Yup...here's a short list of my own:

1) Violence: I was hit so hard that I had hand-prints on my rear

(or marks from a wooden spoon). Thrown out onto the steps in my PJs in

winter. Put on the cellar stairs in the dark.

2) Abandonment: My nada would just drive off in the car. Even my fada

would have no idea where she was.

3) Intrusiveness: Not allowed to close my bedroom door. Not allowed to

pick my own clothes or furniture.

4) PTSD: Anxiety from the sound of footsteps; mornings in general;

garage doors opening

5) Fantasy: Wanting to be a mind-reader to please my nada.

6) Perfectionism: Every task was wrong unless it was done exactly the

way nada would have done it.

7) All words will be used against you

8) All gifts will be used against you

9) Nada was allowed to lie & throw tantrums.

Kids were forbidden to act out.

>

> As I learn more about our shared experiences I am trying to think of

running

> themes from my childhood that might apply. Let me know if these sound

> familiar:

>

> 1. I was not allowed to lock my room, my father didn¹t like when I

shut my

> door. He insisted that everything in the house was ³his²

> 2. If something of mine was in his way, it was within his right to

destroy

> it

> 3. No matter if it was my special occasion or not, I had to pose for

every

> single picture that he wanted or he¹d get mad although he never

looked at

> the pictures when they were developed

> 4. He always said ³you¹re not doing it right/STOP! It has to be done

this

> way/That¹s not how you do it² followed by ³I don¹t know why I am the

only

> one around here that does anything.

> 5. the sound of the garage door opening struck fear into my heart and it

> would mean the scramble to make sure nothing was out of place (I

still jump

> when I hear it)

> 6. My B grades weren¹t good enough and I got a lecture about how I

wasn¹t

> trying hard enough and how I had disappointed him

> 7. I was under NO circumstances to fight back no matter what my

father did

> and if I did in the slightest it got worse including him cutting

my nails

> short if he ever got scratched (he used to hold me down and tickle me

> insisting it was ³fun² when it was really torture for me) - I guess

that is

> a lack of boundaries?!?!

> 8. I have never been a morning person EVER and my father refuses to

> acknowledge that I¹ve told him this, my mom has told him this but

> continued to talk to me in the morning and get mad (as in refusing

to speak

> to me later) when I would get annoyed.

> 9. Vacations were a total nightmare worse than being at home. Just

> getting to the airport was pure evil.

> 10. He would hit me and call me names and then get mad at me when I

didn¹t

> want him to touch me.

> 11. I would get in trouble if I had to go to the bathroom too often

when we

> were out. I also had to plan my bathroom stops at any age when we

were on

> road trips. I only got to go to the bathroom when we had to stop

for gas.

> 12. I learned to hate anything in myself that made me different. I

wished

> forever that I could just tow the line and do what was expected of

me, but I

> never could.

> 13. I didn¹t have many friends and when I did, I was constantly testing

> them. My social skills were awful.

>

> I¹ve mentioned this list to my mom and she agrees that a lot of what you

> guys say sounds familiar. I¹m still trying to sort it all out...

>

> Shari

>

October 31, 2008

>

> Yup...here's a short list of my own:

>

> 1) Violence: I was hit so hard that I had hand-prints on my rear

> (or marks from a wooden spoon). Thrown out onto the steps in my PJs

in

> winter. Put on the cellar stairs in the dark.

>

> 2) Abandonment: My nada would just drive off in the car. Even my

fada

> would have no idea where she was.

>

> 3) Intrusiveness: Not allowed to close my bedroom door. Not allowed

to

> pick my own clothes or furniture.

>

> 4) PTSD: Anxiety from the sound of footsteps; mornings in general;

> garage doors opening

>

> 5) Fantasy: Wanting to be a mind-reader to please my nada.

>

> 6) Perfectionism: Every task was wrong unless it was done exactly

the

> way nada would have done it.

>

> 7) All words will be used against you

>

> 8) All gifts will be used against you

>

> 9) Nada was allowed to lie & throw tantrums.

> Kids were forbidden to act out.

>

Sounds eerily familiar...

1. Violence and intimidation played a big role - whether I had done

something wrong or not - nada would take it out on me

2. Abandonment - nada left while dad was working seasonally - he

wasnt due home for weeks - to see her boyfriend. I was 8 and left to

take care of my sister (4) and brother (1) for days at a time.

3. Intrusiveness - if I closed my bedroom door and nada was in one of

her 'moods' she would break it down no matter how much furniture I

piled up on the other side. One time she just grabbed a brick and

threw it through my window to get at me

4. Lost sleep and mental fatigue from all the anxiety - I still

havent had a single friend to this day - apart from my husband - I

still wonder what it would be like to have a friend but my social

skills are non-existant

5. Being completely submissive and doing the best I could to please

nada coz I wasnt a mind reader

6. Perfectionism - I still suffer with that trait and the feeling

that no matter how hard I try to make everything perfect, nada hates

me as a person anyway and therefore society does to

I could go on and on....

October 31, 2008

>

> YES! YES! YES! My nada would grab me and force me to look into her

> eyes while she screamed at me, inches from her face, as well!

> Eventually, I learned that if I looked at her EYEBROWS, she would

> think I was looking into her eyes. I had them memorized, the way

she

> plucked them in 1960's style, with a ball-shape on the inside. How

> those eyebrows made me sick.

>

> my nada

> > forced me to look her in the eyes as she screamed abuse at me

just a

> > few inches away from my face, and all I could see were her eyes

hating

> > and despising me. I'd get slapped if I looked away.

> >

> > -Annie

>

Amazing how peoples experiences on here resemble mine so closely.

My nada did that aswell - inches from my face - whenever she was

raging. The only way I tolerated it was by looking at the whites of

her eyes - when my therapist got me to remember this - it really

scared me even now - that visualisation of those whites of her eyes

and how petrified I would be. I didnt dare look away. Its enough that

nada would rage at me for hours - then play the victim at the end so

I WOULD COMFORT HER.

October 31, 2008

>

> " Yes " to so many items on your list, with only minor variations, and

> just a substitution of " nada " (for " not-a-mom " ) instead of father.

> Its amazing how much all of the borderlines'/narcissists' behaviors

> have in common!

>

> I'd add to that that I went through a phase in 7th-8th-9th grade

when

> I was so beaten down emotionally that I had great difficulty making

> myself look at other people in the face. I was afraid I'd see

> contempt and ridicule in their eyes. I think that was because my

nada

> forced me to look her in the eyes as she screamed abuse at me just a

> few inches away from my face, and all I could see were her eyes

hating

> and despising me. I'd get slapped if I looked away.

>

> -Annie

>

I still cant look at peoples faces - especially in their eyes - I

have an anxiety attack if I do. Been out of home 10 years and it

still affects me this badly. My therapist says that the problems with

my social skills stem from my inability to look people in the eyes...

October 31, 2008

My nada ALSO made me look in her eyes while inches from my face

screaming the most horrible things. She would rage so bad that she

would spit in my face and if I made a move or god forbid any kind of

a face...oh boy there would be hell to pay.

I look people in the eyes now but it's uncomfortable and I only do it

because I know that it is the right thing to do. But I worry the

whole time that I am looking too long or not enough. If I have to

talk about something serious or scary for me, I can't do anything but

look at the ground. I wish I wasn't like this...

I dont know if this relates or not but I have a bad habit of walking

behind people and staring at the ground while walking. I feel so

uncomfortable when I know someone is behind me. It's awkward when on

a date and a gentleman tries to steer me ahead of them like to go

inside somewhere. I dont know why I feel this way. But its almost

like I feel that the person behind me is judging me or could do

something out of the blue to me.

> >

> > YES! YES! YES! My nada would grab me and force me to look into her

> > eyes while she screamed at me, inches from her face, as well!

> > Eventually, I learned that if I looked at her EYEBROWS, she would

> > think I was looking into her eyes. I had them memorized, the way

> she

> > plucked them in 1960's style, with a ball-shape on the inside. How

> > those eyebrows made me sick.

> >

> > my nada

> > > forced me to look her in the eyes as she screamed abuse at me

> just a

> > > few inches away from my face, and all I could see were her eyes

> hating

> > > and despising me. I'd get slapped if I looked away.

> > >

> > > -Annie

> >

> Amazing how peoples experiences on here resemble mine so closely.

> My nada did that aswell - inches from my face - whenever she was

> raging. The only way I tolerated it was by looking at the whites of

> her eyes - when my therapist got me to remember this - it really

> scared me even now - that visualisation of those whites of her eyes

> and how petrified I would be. I didnt dare look away. Its enough that

> nada would rage at me for hours - then play the victim at the end so

> I WOULD COMFORT HER.

>

November 2, 2008

Oddly enough, in most cases, I prefer to follow than to lead when driving

worried the person behind me will critique me or tell me I am driving too

slow...

>

> My nada ALSO made me look in her eyes while inches from my face

> screaming the most horrible things. She would rage so bad that she

> would spit in my face and if I made a move or god forbid any kind of

> a face...oh boy there would be hell to pay.

>

> I look people in the eyes now but it's uncomfortable and I only do it

> because I know that it is the right thing to do. But I worry the

> whole time that I am looking too long or not enough. If I have to

> talk about something serious or scary for me, I can't do anything but

> look at the ground. I wish I wasn't like this...

>

> I dont know if this relates or not but I have a bad habit of walking

> behind people and staring at the ground while walking. I feel so

> uncomfortable when I know someone is behind me. It's awkward when on

> a date and a gentleman tries to steer me ahead of them like to go

> inside somewhere. I dont know why I feel this way. But its almost

> like I feel that the person behind me is judging me or could do

> something out of the blue to me.

>

>>> > >

>>> > > YES! YES! YES! My nada would grab me and force me to look into her

>>> > > eyes while she screamed at me, inches from her face, as well!

>>> > > Eventually, I learned that if I looked at her EYEBROWS, she would

>>> > > think I was looking into her eyes. I had them memorized, the way

>> > she

>>> > > plucked them in 1960's style, with a ball-shape on the inside. How

>>> > > those eyebrows made me sick.

>>> > >

>>> > > my nada

>>>> > > > forced me to look her in the eyes as she screamed abuse at me

>> > just a

>>>> > > > few inches away from my face, and all I could see were her eyes

>> > hating

>>>> > > > and despising me. I'd get slapped if I looked away.

>>>> > > >

>>>> > > > -Annie

>>> > >

>> > Amazing how peoples experiences on here resemble mine so closely.

>> > My nada did that aswell - inches from my face - whenever she was

>> > raging. The only way I tolerated it was by looking at the whites of

>> > her eyes - when my therapist got me to remember this - it really

>> > scared me even now - that visualisation of those whites of her eyes

>> > and how petrified I would be. I didnt dare look away. Its enough that

>> > nada would rage at me for hours - then play the victim at the end so

>> > I WOULD COMFORT HER.

>> >

>

November 4, 2008

wow. Your list sounds like I could have written it. Especially the driving

away. She would leave three very young (all under 8) kids alone and just go,