Re: the curse of the well meaning friend

[Guest guest]

Yes! This just happened to me last night!

Thank you for sharing your experience with friend's misguided advice. It truly

helps to

hear that others have the same dilemma.

I've spent all day wondering if there's a way to guide the conversation with

friends to a

more productive place? How do we turn our network of loving, caring friends into

a

support system that actually can help us??

Or am I naive in believing this could even be possible?

>

> How many of you have had the problem of a friend who you share about

> your nada who instantly launches into all sorts of inappropriate

> advice? I rarely share about the seriousness of my situation with my

> nada because people only register one fact " difficult mother " before

> they launch into a laundry list of opinions about what I should do

> based on their own difficult mother (not mentally ill) or friend's

> mother, again not mentally ill. Before I can stop myself I start

> protesting but you don't understand and reveal more information hoping

> to help them understand, and yet they continue in their not

> understanding spouting what for me is even hurtful advice. Each time

> this happens I tell myself that I need to be more careful and do

> more " tests " to see if someone can handle the information

> appropriately, but somehow it goes wrong.

>

> Next time, I'm keeping my mouth shut. It's between me and God...and

> soemtimes this group

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I found it extreamly hard to find anyone that understood. They just couldn't get

past it was my mother, and it must be me. For a long time, I thought it might be

me. For years I couldn't understand why my mother did not love me. I would ask

myself what was I doing so wrong. Everything came into light when I found out

about BPD. Still even then, people, friends did not understand why a mother

would treat their daughter like that. Even when I try to explain BPD, they

really don't understand. However, my exH and my stbh understood clearly. They

have seen it first hand. and even experinced her wrath with all the craziness

that went along with it. When they learned about BPD it answered a lot of

questions for them as well. It is so very good to have someone that undertands.

That is what is so great about this group and others like them. I thought I was

the only one out there that there Mom was like this, it was comforting to know

that I wasn't alone and

there were others that have been through the exact same thing as I have,

although I am sorry all of you had to go through it as well.

 

Re: the curse of the well meaning friend

i have problems talking to my best friend about my nada as well. he

has known me and my family for over 20 years. he will often say that

my problems are mostly genetic and that i need to accept that i am a

nervous person instead of blaming my mother. that makes me feel

hopeless and lonely. i usually cut myself off before i entrust him

with that stuff now.

the only person who really understands is my therapist as his mother

had bpd as well. its a tuff thing to get across to another. i usually

get really frustrated. i think its nice to find at least one real

person in your life who will listen and understand even if they are

your therapist.

> >

> > How many of you have had the problem of a friend who you share about

> > your nada who instantly launches into all sorts of inappropriate

> > advice? I rarely share about the seriousness of my situation with my

> > nada because people only register one fact " difficult mother " before

> > they launch into a laundry list of opinions about what I should do

> > based on their own difficult mother (not mentally ill) or friend's

> > mother, again not mentally ill. Before I can stop myself I start

> > protesting but you don't understand and reveal more information

hoping

> > to help them understand, and yet they continue in their not

> > understanding spouting what for me is even hurtful advice. Each

time

> > this happens I tell myself that I need to be more careful and do

> > more " tests " to see if someone can handle the information

> > appropriately, but somehow it goes wrong.

> >

> > Next time, I'm keeping my mouth shut. It's between me and God...and

> > soemtimes this group

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I found it extreamly hard to find anyone that understood. They just couldn't get

past it was my mother, and it must be me. For a long time, I thought it might be

me. For years I couldn't understand why my mother did not love me. I would ask

myself what was I doing so wrong. Everything came into light when I found out

about BPD. Still even then, people, friends did not understand why a mother

would treat their daughter like that. Even when I try to explain BPD, they

really don't understand. However, my exH and my stbh understood clearly. They

have seen it first hand. and even experinced her wrath with all the craziness

that went along with it. When they learned about BPD it answered a lot of

questions for them as well. It is so very good to have someone that undertands.

That is what is so great about this group and others like them. I thought I was

the only one out there that there Mom was like this, it was comforting to know

that I wasn't alone and

there were others that have been through the exact same thing as I have,

although I am sorry all of you had to go through it as well.

 

Re: the curse of the well meaning friend

i have problems talking to my best friend about my nada as well. he

has known me and my family for over 20 years. he will often say that

my problems are mostly genetic and that i need to accept that i am a

nervous person instead of blaming my mother. that makes me feel

hopeless and lonely. i usually cut myself off before i entrust him

with that stuff now.

the only person who really understands is my therapist as his mother

had bpd as well. its a tuff thing to get across to another. i usually

get really frustrated. i think its nice to find at least one real

person in your life who will listen and understand even if they are

your therapist.

> >

> > How many of you have had the problem of a friend who you share about

> > your nada who instantly launches into all sorts of inappropriate

> > advice? I rarely share about the seriousness of my situation with my

> > nada because people only register one fact " difficult mother " before

> > they launch into a laundry list of opinions about what I should do

> > based on their own difficult mother (not mentally ill) or friend's

> > mother, again not mentally ill. Before I can stop myself I start

> > protesting but you don't understand and reveal more information

hoping

> > to help them understand, and yet they continue in their not

> > understanding spouting what for me is even hurtful advice. Each

time

> > this happens I tell myself that I need to be more careful and do

> > more " tests " to see if someone can handle the information

> > appropriately, but somehow it goes wrong.

> >

> > Next time, I'm keeping my mouth shut. It's between me and God...and

> > soemtimes this group

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Good topic. I'm starting to wonder if some of these " well meaning "

friends are really " well meaning " at all? I am starting to

think " friends " pick up on these types of BP problems and see it as

a weak spot that they can pick on. Why? I don't know. It's cruel.

The only friend of mine that 'gets it' is my life long childhood

friend who saw 'first hand' nada's fits and abuse when we were kids

(Nada hated this particular friend and therefore did not hide her

horrific behaviour, she hid it only when people she respected were

around). This particular friend is the ONLY ONE who believes me. I

have stopped discussing my new found feelings, and BP discoveries

because these 'friends' just can't (won't?) understand anyway.

My nada is mellowed out somewhat now that us KO's are adults. She

doesn't have the stresses and control over us Ko's that she used to

and now she plays this saccrine 'sweet' old mother act. That's why

none of my friends get it. Does any one else have this situation

with their Nada/fada? It's like these 'well meaning' friends expect

that I should just 'get over' what happened to me as a kid (and is

still happening to a lesser degree albeit subtler.) Are we not

allowed to be hurting as adults from childhood abuse? Am I not

allowed to have these feelings of anger at Nada still? It takes

every ounce of my energy to be patient with these 'well meaning'

friends who refuse to believe my reality.

It's also possible that us KO's aren't especially talented at

picking great 'friends' either. I know i've let some really bad

narcisissts into my life. But they're getting kicked out of

my " circle of trust " one by one. Ha ha

> > >

> > > How many of you have had the problem of a friend who you share

about

> > > your nada who instantly launches into all sorts of

inappropriate

> > > advice? I rarely share about the seriousness of my situation

with my

> > > nada because people only register one fact " difficult mother "

before

> > > they launch into a laundry list of opinions about what I

should do

> > > based on their own difficult mother (not mentally ill) or

friend's

> > > mother, again not mentally ill. Before I can stop myself I

start

> > > protesting but you don't understand and reveal more information

> hoping

> > > to help them understand, and yet they continue in their not

> > > understanding spouting what for me is even hurtful advice. Each

> time

> > > this happens I tell myself that I need to be more careful and

do

> > > more " tests " to see if someone can handle the information

> > > appropriately, but somehow it goes wrong.

> > >

> > > Next time, I'm keeping my mouth shut. It's between me and

God...and

> > > soemtimes this group

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think sometimes we are so focused on our own issues that we don't

see that everyone has their own issues, which affect their responses

to ours. Most of us have coped with the nonsensicalness of our nadas

and fadas by over thinking everything, in an attempt to validate our

own sanity.

SOME people deal with their problems by trying to forget them and

avoid them. These are two ends of the spectrum, both equally

unhealthy. It seems though, that those who think you can just

" forget " something without working it out, often feel they are morally

superior to those who really have to work through something to come

out the other end. In the end though, they are just as messed up as

anyone else.

So when a friend doesn't respond with understanding and positive

feedback, it is typically because they have their own issues that they

are avoiding. Sometimes, it is because they have their own enmeshed

relationships with their parents which they feel helpless to free

themselves from. There is tons of fear too, about " what if someday my

daughter talks about me like that? "

And of course, there is the incredible disbelief that a parent would

INTENTIONALLY be cruel, want their child to fail, laugh at their pain,

or not care when they're molested, right? I mean, who would believe that?

It sucks.

[Guest guest]

I can relate to this, to the disappointment when a friend does not

understand, to the feeling that you've told too much and made

yourself too vulnerable in an effort to make someone understand -- in

vain. I've been there and done that, and I sometimes fall for it

again. Maybe we should not expect our friends who don't share these

experiences to understand...maybe this stuff is not the stuff to be

discussed with friends. Maybe it just belongs where the BPD

her/himself ought to be and mostly is not: in therapy. My therapist

suggested this, and first I was mad at him, because it made me feel

like there is nothing I can do to take revenge on the silence and

forced secrecy of all these years of my childhood and youth. And that

just seemed so unfair. And he said -- also not for the first time --

who is talking about fair here? Of course none of it is fair, and of

course it should never be minimized. I even find it difficult to

decide what is still OK for my husband to hear and know. I don't know

how you guys feel about it, but for me and him and the persons we

both are, I just don't think it is good for our relationship when I

tell him " it all " . To begin with, I would need days and days of

uninterrupted reporting if I would tell him all. But does he need to

know the details? I guess I told my therapist the details in order to

be able to formulate it, in order to " make it exist " , to no longer

deny it all, and somehow get it out of my system. But what does

someone else get from that? What does the relationship get from it?

So my husband knows that I have been treated in unacceptable ways, he

knows I have been beaten, yelled at, manipulated, forced to keep

silent about so many things, forbidden to ride a bike or learn how to

drive. This is enough for him to understand why we have to strictly

limit my parents' presence in our house and lives and that of our

future child/children. Do I really have to tell him that I've been

burned with an iron, beaten with shoe heels or the toilet brush, that

I wet my pants because I was scared to death, how her body felt when

I found her unconscious with the gas tap open and had to drag her

naked to the open air? Is it hard to understand that I don't really

want to share all these painful details? I don't know... K

> > > >

> > > > How many of you have had the problem of a friend who you

share

> about

> > > > your nada who instantly launches into all sorts of

> inappropriate

> > > > advice? I rarely share about the seriousness of my situation

> with my

> > > > nada because people only register one fact " difficult mother "

> before

> > > > they launch into a laundry list of opinions about what I

should

> do

> > > > based on their own difficult mother (not mentally ill) or

> friend's

> > > > mother, again not mentally ill. Before I can stop myself I

> start

> > > > protesting but you don't understand and reveal more

information

> > hoping

> > > > to help them understand, and yet they continue in their not

> > > > understanding spouting what for me is even hurtful advice.

> Each

> > time

> > > > this happens I tell myself that I need to be more careful and

> do

> > > > more " tests " to see if someone can handle the information

> > > > appropriately, but somehow it goes wrong.

> > > >

> > > > Next time, I'm keeping my mouth shut. It's between me and

> God...and

> > > > soemtimes this group

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I do not think anyone who has not lived through a bpd parent (or witnessed it

first hand) really understands what we go through. I do not explain myself to

any of my friends regarding my mother and other NC family members. If anyone

asks, I politely tell them " I do not know how anyone is, they refuse to speak to

me. " This will usually stop most people from prying further. Of course, on

that rare occassion you get a pushy person who keep insisting you should be

calling your mother. Then I usually tell them, 'My mother is extremely mentally

ill and incapable of an appropriate relationship with me. " Sometimes I repeat

this line 2-3 times before the person finally stops prying.

I also do not understand why people cannot understand that certain mothers do

NOT love their children. These mothers actually wish their children harm and

thrive on manipulating them.

ravita wrote:

I found it extreamly hard to find anyone that understood. They just couldn't

get past it was my mother, and it must be me. For a long time, I thought it

might be me. For years I couldn't understand why my mother did not love me. I

would ask myself what was I doing so wrong. Everything came into light when I

found out about BPD. Still even then, people, friends did not understand why a

mother would treat their daughter like that. Even when I try to explain BPD,

they really don't understand. However, my exH and my stbh understood clearly.

They have seen it first hand. and even experinced her wrath with all the

craziness that went along with it. When they learned about BPD it answered a lot

of questions for them as well. It is so very good to have someone that

undertands. That is what is so great about this group and others like them. I

thought I was the only one out there that there Mom was like this, it was

comforting to know that I wasn't alone and

there were others that have been through the exact same thing as I have,

although I am sorry all of you had to go through it as well.

Re: the curse of the well meaning friend

i have problems talking to my best friend about my nada as well. he

has known me and my family for over 20 years. he will often say that

my problems are mostly genetic and that i need to accept that i am a

nervous person instead of blaming my mother. that makes me feel

hopeless and lonely. i usually cut myself off before i entrust him

with that stuff now.

the only person who really understands is my therapist as his mother

had bpd as well. its a tuff thing to get across to another. i usually

get really frustrated. i think its nice to find at least one real

person in your life who will listen and understand even if they are

your therapist.

> >

> > How many of you have had the problem of a friend who you share about

> > your nada who instantly launches into all sorts of inappropriate

> > advice? I rarely share about the seriousness of my situation with my

> > nada because people only register one fact " difficult mother " before

> > they launch into a laundry list of opinions about what I should do

> > based on their own difficult mother (not mentally ill) or friend's

> > mother, again not mentally ill. Before I can stop myself I start

> > protesting but you don't understand and reveal more information

hoping

> > to help them understand, and yet they continue in their not

> > understanding spouting what for me is even hurtful advice. Each

time

> > this happens I tell myself that I need to be more careful and do

> > more " tests " to see if someone can handle the information

> > appropriately, but somehow it goes wrong.

> >

> > Next time, I'm keeping my mouth shut. It's between me and God...and

> > soemtimes this group

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi , I'm glad you got to have the validation of witnesses

your exH and stbh. I've only got one semi-witness and that's my

aunt, but she's so invested in the status quo that she rarely

validates what I'm experiencing. I seem to be developing a new set

of experiences that are glomming together to form a PTSD core -

trying to tell people about my nada. I've had so many people who I

trusted so much, therapists included, have such hurtful responses

that now I can't tell if my reaction to a new person responding

uncaringly is appropriate or an amalgum of my feelings for all the

previous ones too. Hope that makes some sense.

My anger and hurt at my " friend " has faded now and I'm left wondering

is this still someone I should keep in my life? From reading your

and others experiences almost *no one* understands so maybe I

shouldn't hold it against her...still, it burns.

Thanks all who responded too, it helps to get some perspective and

sorry you guys have to deal with this crap too. It's like not only

do you get a nada, you get a huge problem which no one has sympathy

for or even will believe! Double bonus karmic prize.

> > >

> > > How many of you have had the problem of a friend who you share

about

> > > your nada who instantly launches into all sorts of

inappropriate

> > > advice? I rarely share about the seriousness of my situation

with my

> > > nada because people only register one fact " difficult mother "

before

> > > they launch into a laundry list of opinions about what I should

do

> > > based on their own difficult mother (not mentally ill) or

friend's

> > > mother, again not mentally ill. Before I can stop myself I

start

> > > protesting but you don't understand and reveal more information

> hoping

> > > to help them understand, and yet they continue in their not

> > > understanding spouting what for me is even hurtful advice. Each

> time

> > > this happens I tell myself that I need to be more careful and

do

> > > more " tests " to see if someone can handle the information

> > > appropriately, but somehow it goes wrong.

> > >

> > > Next time, I'm keeping my mouth shut. It's between me and

God...and

> > > soemtimes this group

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

They don't understand because they are incapable of comprehending the situation,

don't want to comprehend the situation, or are enmeshed in the situation. For a

while I had to write everything down that was said to me because the gaslighting

got so bad. If I had it in writing I had a back up and more confidence when I

pushed back. If nothing else, try this for yourself to attempt to validate your

perceptions. No one has to believe you, but for your own sanity, you must be

confident in your perceptions of the events. Don't let anyone twist your facts

around.

Be strong

Re: the curse of the well meaning friend

Hi , I'm glad you got to have the validation of witnesses

your exH and stbh. I've only got one semi-witness and that's my

aunt, but she's so invested in the status quo that she rarely

validates what I'm experiencing. I seem to be developing a new set

of experiences that are glomming together to form a PTSD core -

trying to tell people about my nada. I've had so many people who I

trusted so much, therapists included, have such hurtful responses

that now I can't tell if my reaction to a new person responding

uncaringly is appropriate or an amalgum of my feelings for all the

previous ones too. Hope that makes some sense.

My anger and hurt at my " friend " has faded now and I'm left wondering

is this still someone I should keep in my life? From reading your

and others experiences almost *no one* understands so maybe I

shouldn't hold it against her...still, it burns.

Thanks all who responded too, it helps to get some perspective and

sorry you guys have to deal with this crap too. It's like not only

do you get a nada, you get a huge problem which no one has sympathy

for or even will believe! Double bonus karmic prize.

> > >

> > > How many of you have had the problem of a friend who you share

about

> > > your nada who instantly launches into all sorts of

inappropriate

> > > advice? I rarely share about the seriousness of my situation

with my

> > > nada because people only register one fact " difficult mother "

before

> > > they launch into a laundry list of opinions about what I should

do

> > > based on their own difficult mother (not mentally ill) or

friend's

> > > mother, again not mentally ill. Before I can stop myself I

start

> > > protesting but you don't understand and reveal more information

> hoping

> > > to help them understand, and yet they continue in their not

> > > understanding spouting what for me is even hurtful advice. Each

> time

> > > this happens I tell myself that I need to be more careful and

do

> > > more " tests " to see if someone can handle the information

> > > appropriately, but somehow it goes wrong.

> > >

> > > Next time, I'm keeping my mouth shut. It's between me and

God...and

> > > soemtimes this group

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>