Guest guest Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 Realmom- OH MY GOD!! Your nada sounds about 50 times worse than mine and knowing how much trouble I have dealing with it I am amazed you have managed to succeed with so much (good marriage, kids, friends). You should be very proud of what you have accomplished in your own life and doing everything you can right now to protect it. From the sounds of your story I would strongly encourage picking up and moving without leaving a forwarding address but I know that is not possible for many. You are definitely doing the right thing by stopping contact and I really don't think suing you for " grandparent rights " will hold up in court (especially with her record of assaulting a police officer). If you are worried about it then you should speak to a lawyer and get their advice asap. Best of luck! > > I really don't know where to begin. Confused, hurting, guilt, anger, > ashamed (is it ME?), all of the typical feelings one with a NADA > experiences I suppose. > > I posted a few years ago when this board was in a different format. > All my life I was told I was a bad person, everything I did was wrong. > NADA enjoyed hurting me and watching me cry all my life. It is a > pattern I can look back on now with such clarity. Any happy moment she > made sure to come in for an attack right before to make me cry. > > A few years ago I *finally* realized that it is NOT me. She is > mentally ill and will not get help. She spiraled out of control about > 5 years ago and was told by a therapist that she needs serious > treatment, at a center from 9-5 everyday for a few weeks. Therapist > moved, she laughed it off. Now denies she was ever told that. I make > things up, I am a liar. > > Always got along with my father, he would always smooth things over by > telling me " you know how she is, just ignore her " He was by no means a > great dad growing up, but realized his faults and changed in later > years. I didn't have any anger toward him. We had a good relationship. > > Until....the moment of truth. About 2 years back my brother got > separated from his ex. Terrible stuff between them, he'd call me > sobbing and I would just listen and try to help him. Gave him $ for a > lawyer to fight in court. The NADA was at her summer home, calling me > screaming at me to " do something for your brother! " There was > literally nothing I could do other than what I was. One day, she > decided to raise the stakes. She called and said " I am saying goodbye " > I said " where are you going? " she said " I am killing myself because YOU > WON'T HELP YOUR BROTHER " THen she took pills while on the phone with > me so I could hear it. My father ran in, made her gag them up. They > made sure I heard the whole thing. They kept calling me, I avoided > the calls for 4 months and kept repeating that I will talk to her AFTER > She gets the help she needs. Well, she went to a therapist who told > her " it is perfectly normal to try to commit suicide and blame your > children, people do it all the time. Your daughter is the one with the > problem. " So that didn't work. I am blamed for my mother's suicide > attempt. The FADA now believes everything she says and does and tells > me over and over I am the wrong one and " look what you did to your > mother " . I just want to be left alone. > > I have tried MANY times to go NC, but they always " come for me " as I > put it. DH is a loving supportive guy who always tries to smooth > things over, so he will try to make me work it out for " peace " No > longer, he now sees the depths of her evil and wants her to stay away > from me and our kids. > > She has managed to turn the entire family against me, she loves that. > She's been telling me for years that everyone in the family hates me, > talks about me, I am a B, she agrees with them. I had an aunt I really > really liked and she stopped talking to me. I think what happened is I > decided to disengage from the sickness and she called that aunt > screaming and crying day and night. So of course instead of that aunt > saying " wow, this lady is sick! " she said " oh that rotten daughter of > yours. " My brother and his new wife stopped speaking to me 6 months > ago. They like having their bills paid, I guess. She has control over > him because he has always needed her. I think she rages on me because > I am very independent/self sufficient and have my stuff together, for > the most part. I've been told by family members and close friends it > is obvious she is very jealous of me. I don't doubt it. > > I have another aunt that gets attacked frequently. In front of the > family. No one says a darn word. She called me after the suicide > attempt to tell me my mother was clearly mentally ill. She said my > mother would call her and say things, then the next day call back, > denying it al, saying " you are CRAZY, you make things up. " My poor > aunt had to buy a taperecorder because she thought *she* was insane. > She is not. She has three grown kids who I am close with (though > probably just a matter of time, right?) and they all are a happy family. > > I've tried to create boundaries when I let her back in saying I'd see > them 1x a month. I felt I could put the fake smile on for an hour or > two once a month and deflect the sickness. I think that was MORE Than > generous given her history on how she treats me. Oh and when my older > DS was a toddler she came and physically attacked me in my home in > front of him. When I called the police to get her out I did not want > charges pressed, just needed her to GO. She ended up hitting the cop > 2x because he wouldn't let her continue to beat on me. I really got the > mother of the year. > > Anyway, they used my 4 year old to plow through that 1x a month boudary > by getting info out of him, showing up where they weren't wanted then > saying " he invited us, we are welcome to be here. " They want to be > wherever I am, then always complain that my friends are so rude to > them. (They are not, these are usually acquantainces that I don't tell > I have a sick NADA) > > I am stuck here now in that rotten place. Knowing I deserve to be > happy and to not let my kids get sucked into her sick world--she now > plays on their little minds. But the guilt, anger and fear of > them " coming for me " makes me sick, really sick. I just want them to > go away and leave me alone. I have a good husband, wonderful kids and a > lot of good friends. Unforutnately I have been very sick for two years > and am trying to balance my physical condition with the needs of my > children. I cannot have anything bringing me down right now, I > physically cannot handle it. I need to escape their sick world once > and for all. > > Another poster wrote a post earlier and asked how, and honestly, after > all these years I don't know how it will ever be possible. During the > last altercation they said they are taking me to court for grandparent > rights. I know that she could win an oscar with a performance in court > so I guess they'll get that, eventually. > > Sorry this got so long. Hope I can hang here for a while to get the > confirmation I need that I am doing the right thing by stopping all > contact and moving on. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 OMG, you are living in a nightmare. That is such a horrible situation I can't even absorb all of it. Your mother is a monster. Thank goodness your husband is aware of how toxic your mother is and wants to protect you, but it seems ineffective at this point, from what I can tell from your post. All I can think of is how all this is going to totally damage your children. And all I can suggest is that you hire a very good lawyer to protect you from the momster, move far, far away and leave no forwarding address so she can't get her claws into the kids. Is there any way you and your husband can do that, just pull up stakes and relocate and get away from her and have the lawyer help you protect the kids from contact with her? Holy cow! -Annie > > I really don't know where to begin. Confused, hurting, guilt, anger, > ashamed (is it ME?), all of the typical feelings one with a NADA > experiences I suppose. > > I posted a few years ago when this board was in a different format. > All my life I was told I was a bad person, everything I did was wrong. > NADA enjoyed hurting me and watching me cry all my life. It is a > pattern I can look back on now with such clarity. Any happy moment she > made sure to come in for an attack right before to make me cry. > > A few years ago I *finally* realized that it is NOT me. She is > mentally ill and will not get help. She spiraled out of control about > 5 years ago and was told by a therapist that she needs serious > treatment, at a center from 9-5 everyday for a few weeks. Therapist > moved, she laughed it off. Now denies she was ever told that. I make > things up, I am a liar. > > Always got along with my father, he would always smooth things over by > telling me " you know how she is, just ignore her " He was by no means a > great dad growing up, but realized his faults and changed in later > years. I didn't have any anger toward him. We had a good relationship. > > Until....the moment of truth. About 2 years back my brother got > separated from his ex. Terrible stuff between them, he'd call me > sobbing and I would just listen and try to help him. Gave him $ for a > lawyer to fight in court. The NADA was at her summer home, calling me > screaming at me to " do something for your brother! " There was > literally nothing I could do other than what I was. One day, she > decided to raise the stakes. She called and said " I am saying goodbye " > I said " where are you going? " she said " I am killing myself because YOU > WON'T HELP YOUR BROTHER " THen she took pills while on the phone with > me so I could hear it. My father ran in, made her gag them up. They > made sure I heard the whole thing. They kept calling me, I avoided > the calls for 4 months and kept repeating that I will talk to her AFTER > She gets the help she needs. Well, she went to a therapist who told > her " it is perfectly normal to try to commit suicide and blame your > children, people do it all the time. Your daughter is the one with the > problem. " So that didn't work. I am blamed for my mother's suicide > attempt. The FADA now believes everything she says and does and tells > me over and over I am the wrong one and " look what you did to your > mother " . I just want to be left alone. > > I have tried MANY times to go NC, but they always " come for me " as I > put it. DH is a loving supportive guy who always tries to smooth > things over, so he will try to make me work it out for " peace " No > longer, he now sees the depths of her evil and wants her to stay away > from me and our kids. > > She has managed to turn the entire family against me, she loves that. > She's been telling me for years that everyone in the family hates me, > talks about me, I am a B, she agrees with them. I had an aunt I really > really liked and she stopped talking to me. I think what happened is I > decided to disengage from the sickness and she called that aunt > screaming and crying day and night. So of course instead of that aunt > saying " wow, this lady is sick! " she said " oh that rotten daughter of > yours. " My brother and his new wife stopped speaking to me 6 months > ago. They like having their bills paid, I guess. She has control over > him because he has always needed her. I think she rages on me because > I am very independent/self sufficient and have my stuff together, for > the most part. I've been told by family members and close friends it > is obvious she is very jealous of me. I don't doubt it. > > I have another aunt that gets attacked frequently. In front of the > family. No one says a darn word. She called me after the suicide > attempt to tell me my mother was clearly mentally ill. She said my > mother would call her and say things, then the next day call back, > denying it al, saying " you are CRAZY, you make things up. " My poor > aunt had to buy a taperecorder because she thought *she* was insane. > She is not. She has three grown kids who I am close with (though > probably just a matter of time, right?) and they all are a happy family. > > I've tried to create boundaries when I let her back in saying I'd see > them 1x a month. I felt I could put the fake smile on for an hour or > two once a month and deflect the sickness. I think that was MORE Than > generous given her history on how she treats me. Oh and when my older > DS was a toddler she came and physically attacked me in my home in > front of him. When I called the police to get her out I did not want > charges pressed, just needed her to GO. She ended up hitting the cop > 2x because he wouldn't let her continue to beat on me. I really got the > mother of the year. > > Anyway, they used my 4 year old to plow through that 1x a month boudary > by getting info out of him, showing up where they weren't wanted then > saying " he invited us, we are welcome to be here. " They want to be > wherever I am, then always complain that my friends are so rude to > them. (They are not, these are usually acquantainces that I don't tell > I have a sick NADA) > > I am stuck here now in that rotten place. Knowing I deserve to be > happy and to not let my kids get sucked into her sick world--she now > plays on their little minds. But the guilt, anger and fear of > them " coming for me " makes me sick, really sick. I just want them to > go away and leave me alone. I have a good husband, wonderful kids and a > lot of good friends. Unforutnately I have been very sick for two years > and am trying to balance my physical condition with the needs of my > children. I cannot have anything bringing me down right now, I > physically cannot handle it. I need to escape their sick world once > and for all. > > Another poster wrote a post earlier and asked how, and honestly, after > all these years I don't know how it will ever be possible. During the > last altercation they said they are taking me to court for grandparent > rights. I know that she could win an oscar with a performance in court > so I guess they'll get that, eventually. > > Sorry this got so long. Hope I can hang here for a while to get the > confirmation I need that I am doing the right thing by stopping all > contact and moving on. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 Wow, so much to respond to! First off, you realize the therapist didn't say this, right?: Well, she went to a therapist who told > her " it is perfectly normal to try to commit suicide and blame your > children, people do it all the time. Your daughter is the one with the > problem. " So that didn't work. I am blamed for my mother's suicide > attempt. As for the grandparents' " rights " *shudder* thing, I would recommend keeping a journal of your conflicts with her. Make it succinct. Also, tape a few phone calls. Be proactive about it. Don't just wait for her to come and get you. Sorry for all you've been through. I imagine it must be much harder when you have children. > > I really don't know where to begin. Confused, hurting, guilt, anger, > ashamed (is it ME?), all of the typical feelings one with a NADA > experiences I suppose. > > I posted a few years ago when this board was in a different format. > All my life I was told I was a bad person, everything I did was wrong. > NADA enjoyed hurting me and watching me cry all my life. It is a > pattern I can look back on now with such clarity. Any happy moment she > made sure to come in for an attack right before to make me cry. > > A few years ago I *finally* realized that it is NOT me. She is > mentally ill and will not get help. She spiraled out of control about > 5 years ago and was told by a therapist that she needs serious > treatment, at a center from 9-5 everyday for a few weeks. Therapist > moved, she laughed it off. Now denies she was ever told that. I make > things up, I am a liar. > > Always got along with my father, he would always smooth things over by > telling me " you know how she is, just ignore her " He was by no means a > great dad growing up, but realized his faults and changed in later > years. I didn't have any anger toward him. We had a good relationship. > > Until....the moment of truth. About 2 years back my brother got > separated from his ex. Terrible stuff between them, he'd call me > sobbing and I would just listen and try to help him. Gave him $ for a > lawyer to fight in court. The NADA was at her summer home, calling me > screaming at me to " do something for your brother! " There was > literally nothing I could do other than what I was. One day, she > decided to raise the stakes. She called and said " I am saying goodbye " > I said " where are you going? " she said " I am killing myself because YOU > WON'T HELP YOUR BROTHER " THen she took pills while on the phone with > me so I could hear it. My father ran in, made her gag them up. They > made sure I heard the whole thing. They kept calling me, I avoided > the calls for 4 months and kept repeating that I will talk to her AFTER > She gets the help she needs. Well, she went to a therapist who told > her " it is perfectly normal to try to commit suicide and blame your > children, people do it all the time. Your daughter is the one with the > problem. " So that didn't work. I am blamed for my mother's suicide > attempt. The FADA now believes everything she says and does and tells > me over and over I am the wrong one and " look what you did to your > mother " . I just want to be left alone. > > I have tried MANY times to go NC, but they always " come for me " as I > put it. DH is a loving supportive guy who always tries to smooth > things over, so he will try to make me work it out for " peace " No > longer, he now sees the depths of her evil and wants her to stay away > from me and our kids. > > She has managed to turn the entire family against me, she loves that. > She's been telling me for years that everyone in the family hates me, > talks about me, I am a B, she agrees with them. I had an aunt I really > really liked and she stopped talking to me. I think what happened is I > decided to disengage from the sickness and she called that aunt > screaming and crying day and night. So of course instead of that aunt > saying " wow, this lady is sick! " she said " oh that rotten daughter of > yours. " My brother and his new wife stopped speaking to me 6 months > ago. They like having their bills paid, I guess. She has control over > him because he has always needed her. I think she rages on me because > I am very independent/self sufficient and have my stuff together, for > the most part. I've been told by family members and close friends it > is obvious she is very jealous of me. I don't doubt it. > > I have another aunt that gets attacked frequently. In front of the > family. No one says a darn word. She called me after the suicide > attempt to tell me my mother was clearly mentally ill. She said my > mother would call her and say things, then the next day call back, > denying it al, saying " you are CRAZY, you make things up. " My poor > aunt had to buy a taperecorder because she thought *she* was insane. > She is not. She has three grown kids who I am close with (though > probably just a matter of time, right?) and they all are a happy family. > > I've tried to create boundaries when I let her back in saying I'd see > them 1x a month. I felt I could put the fake smile on for an hour or > two once a month and deflect the sickness. I think that was MORE Than > generous given her history on how she treats me. Oh and when my older > DS was a toddler she came and physically attacked me in my home in > front of him. When I called the police to get her out I did not want > charges pressed, just needed her to GO. She ended up hitting the cop > 2x because he wouldn't let her continue to beat on me. I really got the > mother of the year. > > Anyway, they used my 4 year old to plow through that 1x a month boudary > by getting info out of him, showing up where they weren't wanted then > saying " he invited us, we are welcome to be here. " They want to be > wherever I am, then always complain that my friends are so rude to > them. (They are not, these are usually acquantainces that I don't tell > I have a sick NADA) > > I am stuck here now in that rotten place. Knowing I deserve to be > happy and to not let my kids get sucked into her sick world--she now > plays on their little minds. But the guilt, anger and fear of > them " coming for me " makes me sick, really sick. I just want them to > go away and leave me alone. I have a good husband, wonderful kids and a > lot of good friends. Unforutnately I have been very sick for two years > and am trying to balance my physical condition with the needs of my > children. I cannot have anything bringing me down right now, I > physically cannot handle it. I need to escape their sick world once > and for all. > > Another poster wrote a post earlier and asked how, and honestly, after > all these years I don't know how it will ever be possible. During the > last altercation they said they are taking me to court for grandparent > rights. I know that she could win an oscar with a performance in court > so I guess they'll get that, eventually. > > Sorry this got so long. Hope I can hang here for a while to get the > confirmation I need that I am doing the right thing by stopping all > contact and moving on. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 realmom2two: So sorry you have such a horrifying mother. You need to get away from her, pronto. Your dad's behavior (being loyal to nada no matter what -- letting the children twist in the wind) is textbook. Nada's marry men who are loyal to them. I know it seems that way, but you are not " stuck " . You have no choice but to save yourself and get away from that insane, aggressive woman. If she turns the rest of the family against you, so be it -- but that rarely is 100%. My guess is many family members know that she's nuts, and won't give her much credence. Even if she DID turn everyone against you, so be it -- your emotional well-being is your top concern. The entire system is sick, and it's dragging you down and threatening to make you another one of its victims. Its up to you to get yourself out -- to save yourself. You are an adult and you are free to construct a life FREE of the drama that they bring in with them. Unlike when you were a child under their control, you have choices now. You don't have to stick around to be their sacrificial lamb. Coming here is a great place to start. Welcome. -Kyla > > I really don't know where to begin. Confused, hurting, guilt, anger, > ashamed (is it ME?), all of the typical feelings one with a NADA > experiences I suppose. > > I posted a few years ago when this board was in a different format. > All my life I was told I was a bad person, everything I did was wrong. > NADA enjoyed hurting me and watching me cry all my life. It is a > pattern I can look back on now with such clarity. Any happy moment she > made sure to come in for an attack right before to make me cry. > > A few years ago I *finally* realized that it is NOT me. She is > mentally ill and will not get help. She spiraled out of control about > 5 years ago and was told by a therapist that she needs serious > treatment, at a center from 9-5 everyday for a few weeks. Therapist > moved, she laughed it off. Now denies she was ever told that. I make > things up, I am a liar. > > Always got along with my father, he would always smooth things over by > telling me " you know how she is, just ignore her " He was by no means a > great dad growing up, but realized his faults and changed in later > years. I didn't have any anger toward him. We had a good relationship. > > Until....the moment of truth. About 2 years back my brother got > separated from his ex. Terrible stuff between them, he'd call me > sobbing and I would just listen and try to help him. Gave him $ for a > lawyer to fight in court. The NADA was at her summer home, calling me > screaming at me to " do something for your brother! " There was > literally nothing I could do other than what I was. One day, she > decided to raise the stakes. She called and said " I am saying goodbye " > I said " where are you going? " she said " I am killing myself because YOU > WON'T HELP YOUR BROTHER " THen she took pills while on the phone with > me so I could hear it. My father ran in, made her gag them up. They > made sure I heard the whole thing. They kept calling me, I avoided > the calls for 4 months and kept repeating that I will talk to her AFTER > She gets the help she needs. Well, she went to a therapist who told > her " it is perfectly normal to try to commit suicide and blame your > children, people do it all the time. Your daughter is the one with the > problem. " So that didn't work. I am blamed for my mother's suicide > attempt. The FADA now believes everything she says and does and tells > me over and over I am the wrong one and " look what you did to your > mother " . I just want to be left alone. > > I have tried MANY times to go NC, but they always " come for me " as I > put it. DH is a loving supportive guy who always tries to smooth > things over, so he will try to make me work it out for " peace " No > longer, he now sees the depths of her evil and wants her to stay away > from me and our kids. > > She has managed to turn the entire family against me, she loves that. > She's been telling me for years that everyone in the family hates me, > talks about me, I am a B, she agrees with them. I had an aunt I really > really liked and she stopped talking to me. I think what happened is I > decided to disengage from the sickness and she called that aunt > screaming and crying day and night. So of course instead of that aunt > saying " wow, this lady is sick! " she said " oh that rotten daughter of > yours. " My brother and his new wife stopped speaking to me 6 months > ago. They like having their bills paid, I guess. She has control over > him because he has always needed her. I think she rages on me because > I am very independent/self sufficient and have my stuff together, for > the most part. I've been told by family members and close friends it > is obvious she is very jealous of me. I don't doubt it. > > I have another aunt that gets attacked frequently. In front of the > family. No one says a darn word. She called me after the suicide > attempt to tell me my mother was clearly mentally ill. She said my > mother would call her and say things, then the next day call back, > denying it al, saying " you are CRAZY, you make things up. " My poor > aunt had to buy a taperecorder because she thought *she* was insane. > She is not. She has three grown kids who I am close with (though > probably just a matter of time, right?) and they all are a happy family. > > I've tried to create boundaries when I let her back in saying I'd see > them 1x a month. I felt I could put the fake smile on for an hour or > two once a month and deflect the sickness. I think that was MORE Than > generous given her history on how she treats me. Oh and when my older > DS was a toddler she came and physically attacked me in my home in > front of him. When I called the police to get her out I did not want > charges pressed, just needed her to GO. She ended up hitting the cop > 2x because he wouldn't let her continue to beat on me. I really got the > mother of the year. > > Anyway, they used my 4 year old to plow through that 1x a month boudary > by getting info out of him, showing up where they weren't wanted then > saying " he invited us, we are welcome to be here. " They want to be > wherever I am, then always complain that my friends are so rude to > them. (They are not, these are usually acquantainces that I don't tell > I have a sick NADA) > > I am stuck here now in that rotten place. Knowing I deserve to be > happy and to not let my kids get sucked into her sick world--she now > plays on their little minds. But the guilt, anger and fear of > them " coming for me " makes me sick, really sick. I just want them to > go away and leave me alone. I have a good husband, wonderful kids and a > lot of good friends. Unforutnately I have been very sick for two years > and am trying to balance my physical condition with the needs of my > children. I cannot have anything bringing me down right now, I > physically cannot handle it. I need to escape their sick world once > and for all. > > Another poster wrote a post earlier and asked how, and honestly, after > all these years I don't know how it will ever be possible. During the > last altercation they said they are taking me to court for grandparent > rights. I know that she could win an oscar with a performance in court > so I guess they'll get that, eventually. > > Sorry this got so long. Hope I can hang here for a while to get the > confirmation I need that I am doing the right thing by stopping all > contact and moving on. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 First, WELCOME! I am also someone that has gone NC with my family so I understand the uncertainty of that choice. I think that if you have gotten to the point where the only healthy option is NC then by all means go NC. It sounds like you have made the correct choice. And it's not set in stone, if you find that you can't go NC anymore, you can go LC or whatever you feel is best given the circumstances. Let your nada try to sue for grandparents rights. It's not as cut and dry as she might think and if she wants to spend the $$$ to do it, then let her. If she does, you need to have all of the documentation of her behavior that you can. Once all of that comes out, I find it hard to believe that a judge would grant her any rights, oscar performance or not! If she comes to your house or anywhere else uninvited, start documenting and if need be call the cops. Then you will have documentation of the authorities getting involved too. If you can, take out a restraining order -- if you do that -- she won't have a leg to stand on for her grandparents rights suit. It sounds harsh I know but you need to protect yourself and your family. All of the feelings that you described I think all of us on here have gone through and/or are going through. Just remember that there is NOTHING WRONG with demanding to be treated the way that you deserve to be treated PERIOD. If nada can't do that, then that is HER CHOICE and you have the right to move on and only surround yourself with people who treat you how you SHOULD be treated. > > I really don't know where to begin. Confused, hurting, guilt, anger, > ashamed (is it ME?), all of the typical feelings one with a NADA > experiences I suppose. > > I posted a few years ago when this board was in a different format. > All my life I was told I was a bad person, everything I did was wrong. > NADA enjoyed hurting me and watching me cry all my life. It is a > pattern I can look back on now with such clarity. Any happy moment she > made sure to come in for an attack right before to make me cry. > > A few years ago I *finally* realized that it is NOT me. She is > mentally ill and will not get help. She spiraled out of control about > 5 years ago and was told by a therapist that she needs serious > treatment, at a center from 9-5 everyday for a few weeks. Therapist > moved, she laughed it off. Now denies she was ever told that. I make > things up, I am a liar. > > Always got along with my father, he would always smooth things over by > telling me " you know how she is, just ignore her " He was by no means a > great dad growing up, but realized his faults and changed in later > years. I didn't have any anger toward him. We had a good relationship. > > Until....the moment of truth. About 2 years back my brother got > separated from his ex. Terrible stuff between them, he'd call me > sobbing and I would just listen and try to help him. Gave him $ for a > lawyer to fight in court. The NADA was at her summer home, calling me > screaming at me to " do something for your brother! " There was > literally nothing I could do other than what I was. One day, she > decided to raise the stakes. She called and said " I am saying goodbye " > I said " where are you going? " she said " I am killing myself because YOU > WON'T HELP YOUR BROTHER " THen she took pills while on the phone with > me so I could hear it. My father ran in, made her gag them up. They > made sure I heard the whole thing. They kept calling me, I avoided > the calls for 4 months and kept repeating that I will talk to her AFTER > She gets the help she needs. Well, she went to a therapist who told > her " it is perfectly normal to try to commit suicide and blame your > children, people do it all the time. Your daughter is the one with the > problem. " So that didn't work. I am blamed for my mother's suicide > attempt. The FADA now believes everything she says and does and tells > me over and over I am the wrong one and " look what you did to your > mother " . I just want to be left alone. > > I have tried MANY times to go NC, but they always " come for me " as I > put it. DH is a loving supportive guy who always tries to smooth > things over, so he will try to make me work it out for " peace " No > longer, he now sees the depths of her evil and wants her to stay away > from me and our kids. > > She has managed to turn the entire family against me, she loves that. > She's been telling me for years that everyone in the family hates me, > talks about me, I am a B, she agrees with them. I had an aunt I really > really liked and she stopped talking to me. I think what happened is I > decided to disengage from the sickness and she called that aunt > screaming and crying day and night. So of course instead of that aunt > saying " wow, this lady is sick! " she said " oh that rotten daughter of > yours. " My brother and his new wife stopped speaking to me 6 months > ago. They like having their bills paid, I guess. She has control over > him because he has always needed her. I think she rages on me because > I am very independent/self sufficient and have my stuff together, for > the most part. I've been told by family members and close friends it > is obvious she is very jealous of me. I don't doubt it. > > I have another aunt that gets attacked frequently. In front of the > family. No one says a darn word. She called me after the suicide > attempt to tell me my mother was clearly mentally ill. She said my > mother would call her and say things, then the next day call back, > denying it al, saying " you are CRAZY, you make things up. " My poor > aunt had to buy a taperecorder because she thought *she* was insane. > She is not. She has three grown kids who I am close with (though > probably just a matter of time, right?) and they all are a happy family. > > I've tried to create boundaries when I let her back in saying I'd see > them 1x a month. I felt I could put the fake smile on for an hour or > two once a month and deflect the sickness. I think that was MORE Than > generous given her history on how she treats me. Oh and when my older > DS was a toddler she came and physically attacked me in my home in > front of him. When I called the police to get her out I did not want > charges pressed, just needed her to GO. She ended up hitting the cop > 2x because he wouldn't let her continue to beat on me. I really got the > mother of the year. > > Anyway, they used my 4 year old to plow through that 1x a month boudary > by getting info out of him, showing up where they weren't wanted then > saying " he invited us, we are welcome to be here. " They want to be > wherever I am, then always complain that my friends are so rude to > them. (They are not, these are usually acquantainces that I don't tell > I have a sick NADA) > > I am stuck here now in that rotten place. Knowing I deserve to be > happy and to not let my kids get sucked into her sick world--she now > plays on their little minds. But the guilt, anger and fear of > them " coming for me " makes me sick, really sick. I just want them to > go away and leave me alone. I have a good husband, wonderful kids and a > lot of good friends. Unforutnately I have been very sick for two years > and am trying to balance my physical condition with the needs of my > children. I cannot have anything bringing me down right now, I > physically cannot handle it. I need to escape their sick world once > and for all. > > Another poster wrote a post earlier and asked how, and honestly, after > all these years I don't know how it will ever be possible. During the > last altercation they said they are taking me to court for grandparent > rights. I know that she could win an oscar with a performance in court > so I guess they'll get that, eventually. > > Sorry this got so long. Hope I can hang here for a while to get the > confirmation I need that I am doing the right thing by stopping all > contact and moving on. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 24, 2008 Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 > > > Sorry this got so long. Hope I can hang here for a while to get the > confirmation I need that I am doing the right thing by stopping all > contact and moving on. > Wow...your situation goes beyond the pale. I am one who also went NC...mine was in response to an ultimatum. I had been told to cut off the relationship I had with my normal, sane and supportive Aunt and Uncle or my parents, " No longer have a daughter. " So they pretty much handed me everything I needed to say I'm not caving to your ridiculous ultimatum, so it's NC you are getting. I have kids...13 and 10...so I understand how your Nada is trying to get her claws into your little one. I have recently had to put restrictions on my kids e-mail accounts. Otherwise, I am likely to end up with extra guests at dance recitals, etc. When I first went NC, I went so far as to take my Nada off their emergency cards at school and to personally call the office staff to warn them their grandmother was unstable. It's sad it came to that, but I felt I had no choice...not that my kids would ever get in her car, they think she's nuts, but I wanted to be sure nothing bizarre would happen. I'm not sure how your Nada is communicating with your 4 year old, but I'd seriosly think about changing your phone number to something unlisted and be done with it for good. As for the whole Grandparent rights thing...I don't expect they will have much luck with that at all. It would be a very expensive route for them to go and no guarantee on the outcome for them. In the mean time, everyone else is right. Document as much as you can and communicate your wishes...aka...tell your Nada to stay away. If she refuses call the police and then get a restraining order. All you can do is back up your words with actions. Let her know under no uncertain terms, if you show up at my house, I will make you leave. Period and be prepared to do what you said you would do. There is no reason in the world for you to continue to accept horrible behavior from someone just because they are your blood relative. And as for those other relatives who have chosen your parents side...they will eventually see what you see or they are possibly as sick as Nada. Nada can't be perfect all the time...she will slip when she doesn't have you to abuse any more...she will need another victim...they always do. Hang in there and know you are doing the best thing you can for your sanity and for your family's well-being. Take care- JJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 24, 2008 Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 JJ -- I remember very well when you made the courageous step to take your parents at their word and call their bluff on the ultimatum. You showed great courage and you did the right thing. They gambled their relationship with their daughter -- put it on the table! -- and lost. No one should have to cater to that type of all- or-nothing manipulation from a parent. Good for you. -Kyla > > > > > > Sorry this got so long. Hope I can hang here for a while to get > the > > confirmation I need that I am doing the right thing by stopping all > > contact and moving on. > > > > Wow...your situation goes beyond the pale. I am one who also went > NC...mine was in response to an ultimatum. I had been told to cut > off the relationship I had with my normal, sane and supportive Aunt > and Uncle or my parents, " No longer have a daughter. " So they pretty > much handed me everything I needed to say I'm not caving to your > ridiculous ultimatum, so it's NC you are getting. > > I have kids...13 and 10...so I understand how your Nada is trying to > get her claws into your little one. I have recently had to put > restrictions on my kids e-mail accounts. Otherwise, I am likely to > end up with extra guests at dance recitals, etc. When I first went > NC, I went so far as to take my Nada off their emergency cards at > school and to personally call the office staff to warn them their > grandmother was unstable. It's sad it came to that, but I felt I had > no choice...not that my kids would ever get in her car, they think > she's nuts, but I wanted to be sure nothing bizarre would happen. > > I'm not sure how your Nada is communicating with your 4 year old, but > I'd seriosly think about changing your phone number to something > unlisted and be done with it for good. > > As for the whole Grandparent rights thing...I don't expect they will > have much luck with that at all. It would be a very expensive route > for them to go and no guarantee on the outcome for them. In the mean > time, everyone else is right. Document as much as you can and > communicate your wishes...aka...tell your Nada to stay away. If she > refuses call the police and then get a restraining order. All you > can do is back up your words with actions. Let her know under no > uncertain terms, if you show up at my house, I will make you leave. > Period and be prepared to do what you said you would do. > > There is no reason in the world for you to continue to accept > horrible behavior from someone just because they are your blood > relative. And as for those other relatives who have chosen your > parents side...they will eventually see what you see or they are > possibly as sick as Nada. Nada can't be perfect all the time...she > will slip when she doesn't have you to abuse any more...she will need > another victim...they always do. > > Hang in there and know you are doing the best thing you can for your > sanity and for your family's well-being. > > Take care- > JJ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 24, 2008 Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 I moved to a state that doesn't have grandparent rights and went NC. It is the sanest thing I ever did. I already lived close it was just 20 minutes away. My nada sued for custody of my son with alot of twisted truths. I gave her that info. She twisted it. There was enough truth to make it look real. I still won. Take care of yourself. Get away as far and as fast as you can. You will thank yourself for it. She got custody of my kids for 2 weeks after calling in a false report of neglect. The fight to get my kids back was nightmarish. Yes she can perform beautifully. I had to take my son out of school in the middle of the school day and get chased by the principal, in his car, and the state police to take my teenage son to the social worker who wouldn't listen to him. Then I played his pathetic voicemail back for them where he's whispering, " Get me out of here. She's crazy. Oh my God she's coming! "  Then click. They talked to him for an hour and I got my kids back. Hurt, damaged, suicidal, but back. Don't let it happen to your kids, please. It's the best gift you'll give yourself. Ellie Subject: Re: New here - My story To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Friday, October 24, 2008, 4:20 AM First, WELCOME! I am also someone that has gone NC with my family so I understand the uncertainty of that choice. I think that if you have gotten to the point where the only healthy option is NC then by all means go NC. It sounds like you have made the correct choice. And it's not set in stone, if you find that you can't go NC anymore, you can go LC or whatever you feel is best given the circumstances. Let your nada try to sue for grandparents rights. It's not as cut and dry as she might think and if she wants to spend the $$$ to do it, then let her. If she does, you need to have all of the documentation of her behavior that you can. Once all of that comes out, I find it hard to believe that a judge would grant her any rights, oscar performance or not! If she comes to your house or anywhere else uninvited, start documenting and if need be call the cops. Then you will have documentation of the authorities getting involved too. If you can, take out a restraining order -- if you do that -- she won't have a leg to stand on for her grandparents rights suit. It sounds harsh I know but you need to protect yourself and your family. All of the feelings that you described I think all of us on here have gone through and/or are going through. Just remember that there is NOTHING WRONG with demanding to be treated the way that you deserve to be treated PERIOD. If nada can't do that, then that is HER CHOICE and you have the right to move on and only surround yourself with people who treat you how you SHOULD be treated. > > I really don't know where to begin. Confused, hurting, guilt, anger, > ashamed (is it ME?), all of the typical feelings one with a NADA > experiences I suppose. > > I posted a few years ago when this board was in a different format. > All my life I was told I was a bad person, everything I did was wrong. > NADA enjoyed hurting me and watching me cry all my life. It is a > pattern I can look back on now with such clarity. Any happy moment she > made sure to come in for an attack right before to make me cry. > > A few years ago I *finally* realized that it is NOT me. She is > mentally ill and will not get help. She spiraled out of control about > 5 years ago and was told by a therapist that she needs serious > treatment, at a center from 9-5 everyday for a few weeks. Therapist > moved, she laughed it off. Now denies she was ever told that. I make > things up, I am a liar. > > Always got along with my father, he would always smooth things over by > telling me " you know how she is, just ignore her " He was by no means a > great dad growing up, but realized his faults and changed in later > years. I didn't have any anger toward him. We had a good relationship. > > Until....the moment of truth. About 2 years back my brother got > separated from his ex. Terrible stuff between them, he'd call me > sobbing and I would just listen and try to help him. Gave him $ for a > lawyer to fight in court. The NADA was at her summer home, calling me > screaming at me to " do something for your brother! " There was > literally nothing I could do other than what I was. One day, she > decided to raise the stakes. She called and said " I am saying goodbye " > I said " where are you going? " she said " I am killing myself because YOU > WON'T HELP YOUR BROTHER " THen she took pills while on the phone with > me so I could hear it. My father ran in, made her gag them up. They > made sure I heard the whole thing. They kept calling me, I avoided > the calls for 4 months and kept repeating that I will talk to her AFTER > She gets the help she needs. Well, she went to a therapist who told > her " it is perfectly normal to try to commit suicide and blame your > children, people do it all the time. Your daughter is the one with the > problem. " So that didn't work. I am blamed for my mother's suicide > attempt. The FADA now believes everything she says and does and tells > me over and over I am the wrong one and " look what you did to your > mother " . I just want to be left alone. > > I have tried MANY times to go NC, but they always " come for me " as I > put it. DH is a loving supportive guy who always tries to smooth > things over, so he will try to make me work it out for " peace " No > longer, he now sees the depths of her evil and wants her to stay away > from me and our kids. > > She has managed to turn the entire family against me, she loves that. > She's been telling me for years that everyone in the family hates me, > talks about me, I am a B, she agrees with them. I had an aunt I really > really liked and she stopped talking to me. I think what happened is I > decided to disengage from the sickness and she called that aunt > screaming and crying day and night. So of course instead of that aunt > saying " wow, this lady is sick! " she said " oh that rotten daughter of > yours. " My brother and his new wife stopped speaking to me 6 months > ago. They like having their bills paid, I guess. She has control over > him because he has always needed her. I think she rages on me because > I am very independent/ self sufficient and have my stuff together, for > the most part. I've been told by family members and close friends it > is obvious she is very jealous of me. I don't doubt it. > > I have another aunt that gets attacked frequently. In front of the > family. No one says a darn word. She called me after the suicide > attempt to tell me my mother was clearly mentally ill. She said my > mother would call her and say things, then the next day call back, > denying it al, saying " you are CRAZY, you make things up. " My poor > aunt had to buy a taperecorder because she thought *she* was insane. > She is not. She has three grown kids who I am close with (though > probably just a matter of time, right?) and they all are a happy family. > > I've tried to create boundaries when I let her back in saying I'd see > them 1x a month. I felt I could put the fake smile on for an hour or > two once a month and deflect the sickness. I think that was MORE Than > generous given her history on how she treats me. Oh and when my older > DS was a toddler she came and physically attacked me in my home in > front of him. When I called the police to get her out I did not want > charges pressed, just needed her to GO. She ended up hitting the cop > 2x because he wouldn't let her continue to beat on me. I really got the > mother of the year. > > Anyway, they used my 4 year old to plow through that 1x a month boudary > by getting info out of him, showing up where they weren't wanted then > saying " he invited us, we are welcome to be here. " They want to be > wherever I am, then always complain that my friends are so rude to > them. (They are not, these are usually acquantainces that I don't tell > I have a sick NADA) > > I am stuck here now in that rotten place. Knowing I deserve to be > happy and to not let my kids get sucked into her sick world--she now > plays on their little minds. But the guilt, anger and fear of > them " coming for me " makes me sick, really sick. I just want them to > go away and leave me alone. I have a good husband, wonderful kids and a > lot of good friends. Unforutnately I have been very sick for two years > and am trying to balance my physical condition with the needs of my > children. I cannot have anything bringing me down right now, I > physically cannot handle it. I need to escape their sick world once > and for all. > > Another poster wrote a post earlier and asked how, and honestly, after > all these years I don't know how it will ever be possible. During the > last altercation they said they are taking me to court for grandparent > rights. I know that she could win an oscar with a performance in court > so I guess they'll get that, eventually. > > Sorry this got so long. Hope I can hang here for a while to get the > confirmation I need that I am doing the right thing by stopping all > contact and moving on. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 24, 2008 Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 My heart really goes out to you. I am being sued for custody of my son (I have posted several times) and the grandparents thing is something that I would not take lightly if I were you. I made the fatal mistake of letting fada and his wife act before I could protect myself and they are exhausting all efforts and resources to make their case valid. winning performances are typical with these types, be careful. Don't delay, act fast and CYA! Get the restraining order, take them off of any emergency contact lists as another poster has written and warn the children that grandma is sick and they are to have no contact with her. These people are very manipulative and can pull the wool on a lot of folks. Don't let them try it at your expense. Be strong, be well, I'm rooting for you and believe you can execute what you need to in order to succeed. > > I really don't know where to begin. Confused, hurting, guilt, anger, > ashamed (is it ME?), all of the typical feelings one with a NADA > experiences I suppose. > > I posted a few years ago when this board was in a different format. > All my life I was told I was a bad person, everything I did was wrong. > NADA enjoyed hurting me and watching me cry all my life. It is a > pattern I can look back on now with such clarity. Any happy moment she > made sure to come in for an attack right before to make me cry. > > A few years ago I *finally* realized that it is NOT me. She is > mentally ill and will not get help. She spiraled out of control about > 5 years ago and was told by a therapist that she needs serious > treatment, at a center from 9-5 everyday for a few weeks. Therapist > moved, she laughed it off. Now denies she was ever told that. I make > things up, I am a liar. > > Always got along with my father, he would always smooth things over by > telling me " you know how she is, just ignore her " He was by no means a > great dad growing up, but realized his faults and changed in later > years. I didn't have any anger toward him. We had a good relationship. > > Until....the moment of truth. About 2 years back my brother got > separated from his ex. Terrible stuff between them, he'd call me > sobbing and I would just listen and try to help him. Gave him $ for a > lawyer to fight in court. The NADA was at her summer home, calling me > screaming at me to " do something for your brother! " There was > literally nothing I could do other than what I was. One day, she > decided to raise the stakes. She called and said " I am saying goodbye " > I said " where are you going? " she said " I am killing myself because YOU > WON'T HELP YOUR BROTHER " THen she took pills while on the phone with > me so I could hear it. My father ran in, made her gag them up. They > made sure I heard the whole thing. They kept calling me, I avoided > the calls for 4 months and kept repeating that I will talk to her AFTER > She gets the help she needs. Well, she went to a therapist who told > her " it is perfectly normal to try to commit suicide and blame your > children, people do it all the time. Your daughter is the one with the > problem. " So that didn't work. I am blamed for my mother's suicide > attempt. The FADA now believes everything she says and does and tells > me over and over I am the wrong one and " look what you did to your > mother " . I just want to be left alone. > > I have tried MANY times to go NC, but they always " come for me " as I > put it. DH is a loving supportive guy who always tries to smooth > things over, so he will try to make me work it out for " peace " No > longer, he now sees the depths of her evil and wants her to stay away > from me and our kids. > > She has managed to turn the entire family against me, she loves that. > She's been telling me for years that everyone in the family hates me, > talks about me, I am a B, she agrees with them. I had an aunt I really > really liked and she stopped talking to me. I think what happened is I > decided to disengage from the sickness and she called that aunt > screaming and crying day and night. So of course instead of that aunt > saying " wow, this lady is sick! " she said " oh that rotten daughter of > yours. " My brother and his new wife stopped speaking to me 6 months > ago. They like having their bills paid, I guess. She has control over > him because he has always needed her. I think she rages on me because > I am very independent/self sufficient and have my stuff together, for > the most part. I've been told by family members and close friends it > is obvious she is very jealous of me. I don't doubt it. > > I have another aunt that gets attacked frequently. In front of the > family. No one says a darn word. She called me after the suicide > attempt to tell me my mother was clearly mentally ill. She said my > mother would call her and say things, then the next day call back, > denying it al, saying " you are CRAZY, you make things up. " My poor > aunt had to buy a taperecorder because she thought *she* was insane. > She is not. She has three grown kids who I am close with (though > probably just a matter of time, right?) and they all are a happy family. > > I've tried to create boundaries when I let her back in saying I'd see > them 1x a month. I felt I could put the fake smile on for an hour or > two once a month and deflect the sickness. I think that was MORE Than > generous given her history on how she treats me. Oh and when my older > DS was a toddler she came and physically attacked me in my home in > front of him. When I called the police to get her out I did not want > charges pressed, just needed her to GO. She ended up hitting the cop > 2x because he wouldn't let her continue to beat on me. I really got the > mother of the year. > > Anyway, they used my 4 year old to plow through that 1x a month boudary > by getting info out of him, showing up where they weren't wanted then > saying " he invited us, we are welcome to be here. " They want to be > wherever I am, then always complain that my friends are so rude to > them. (They are not, these are usually acquantainces that I don't tell > I have a sick NADA) > > I am stuck here now in that rotten place. Knowing I deserve to be > happy and to not let my kids get sucked into her sick world--she now > plays on their little minds. But the guilt, anger and fear of > them " coming for me " makes me sick, really sick. I just want them to > go away and leave me alone. I have a good husband, wonderful kids and a > lot of good friends. Unforutnately I have been very sick for two years > and am trying to balance my physical condition with the needs of my > children. I cannot have anything bringing me down right now, I > physically cannot handle it. I need to escape their sick world once > and for all. > > Another poster wrote a post earlier and asked how, and honestly, after > all these years I don't know how it will ever be possible. During the > last altercation they said they are taking me to court for grandparent > rights. I know that she could win an oscar with a performance in court > so I guess they'll get that, eventually. > > Sorry this got so long. Hope I can hang here for a while to get the > confirmation I need that I am doing the right thing by stopping all > contact and moving on. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 24, 2008 Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 I just looked at this site for the first time. I read this posting in particular. I need not even bother posting " my story " because THIS IS MY EXACT LIFE AS I KNOW IT WITH MY MOTHER. It is actually truly uncanny...even down to the threat of " grandparent rights " . The way you described your mother turning the entire family on you...I am flabbergasted. It's me. There is no need for me to go into my childhood and past events....you get it. My mother hurts herself. She pops pills and lots of them. I am 33 and have listened to her threaten to kill herself since I can remember. She has never tried seriously, but she definitely has " accidents " . I do not think I would speak to my mother or father if what happened to you on the phone that night happened to me. My mother was just in her total adoration phase, the what-would-I- have-ever-done-without-you-my-whole-life phase and now she is in the you-are-the-enemy phase, the you-turned-everyone-against-me phase. MInd you, this was completely unprovoked. She was upset that I have not responded to her latest diagnosis (a successful attempt to secure more Valium, muscle spasm pills, and demoral...her cocktail since the early '80s). My mother has it in her to blame a typhoon from thousands of miles away on ME. My entire life people have asked me, " How did you turn out so normal? " (This being after they have spent any significant time around my mother). Did I mention she has been married and divorced five times? She also somehow some way left or pushed out all of her children by the age of 17 if not sooner. My older sister was raised by my grandparents. I have been the one kid used and manipulated the most. Two have distanced themselves rather quickly, but because of that have conveniently forgotten her " unique ways " . I guess they have not forgotten, they are just so far removed that they aren't affected. I used to think I was the stronger one out of the siblings always being readily available to her...taking care of her after her back surgeries, after each divorce, or each and every last time she needed " validation " , I was the one hanging around ready to back up all of her unusual thought processes and behaviors. In truth, I was the most easily and readily exploited by her illness. For the last two years, I have set boundaries. Oh yes...boundaries...the things that BPDs do not recognize! Of course, for the past two years I have been accused of all sorts of things...you may wonder how I have been able to distance myself...I had a wonderful, beautiful son of my own and recognized right away that I could not allow my mother to affect me as a mother. Also, other things happened...namely that my mother convinced me my father was dying and that she and her businesses were going to go under if I didn't help....I gave up my career to help, moved my life, gave up everything....he wasn't dying. I gave up a career and a great salary to live in an isolated part of Colorado and making below poverty level income. FIVE YEARS LATER, after many insane experiences and having my own son....I said enough is enough. She cannot be first anymore. My son and husband are first! Distancing myself...I have not been this happy in a long time. I feel great. There are moments of sadness and guilt, but eventually I will get another scathing email (which she cc's all over kingdom come to other family members usually about my shunning of her) and it reconfirms my decision to maintain my boundaries!!! I wish I could say that I made an active, conscious decision to " let go " , but something really did just break inside me. Those two years of distancing myself (which includes the present), there was a definite grieving-type process going on. I really feel like I am grieving a major loss and she lives four miles away. Maybe I am grieving for the fact that I will never have the mother I wanted...and that the mother I have, who I love nonetheless, will never ever " see me " . She will never " know me " . Honestly, if my mother did what she did to you that night on the phone....I mean, how do you recover from that??? She is abusing you. She is stealing your happiness, your peace, your energy...she is stealing from your children and your husband because she is stealing little bits of you...I know these sites say the person is ill, they can't help themselves...and while this is true, what about you? I feel bad for her, of course, I do. But, I feel bad for me, too. I feel terrible at how lonely she is. Hang in there and I will try to take this same advice. > > I really don't know where to begin. Confused, hurting, guilt, anger, > ashamed (is it ME?), all of the typical feelings one with a NADA > experiences I suppose. > > I posted a few years ago when this board was in a different format. > All my life I was told I was a bad person, everything I did was wrong. > NADA enjoyed hurting me and watching me cry all my life. It is a > pattern I can look back on now with such clarity. Any happy moment she > made sure to come in for an attack right before to make me cry. > > A few years ago I *finally* realized that it is NOT me. She is > mentally ill and will not get help. She spiraled out of control about > 5 years ago and was told by a therapist that she needs serious > treatment, at a center from 9-5 everyday for a few weeks. Therapist > moved, she laughed it off. Now denies she was ever told that. I make > things up, I am a liar. > > Always got along with my father, he would always smooth things over by > telling me " you know how she is, just ignore her " He was by no means a > great dad growing up, but realized his faults and changed in later > years. I didn't have any anger toward him. We had a good relationship. > > Until....the moment of truth. About 2 years back my brother got > separated from his ex. Terrible stuff between them, he'd call me > sobbing and I would just listen and try to help him. Gave him $ for a > lawyer to fight in court. The NADA was at her summer home, calling me > screaming at me to " do something for your brother! " There was > literally nothing I could do other than what I was. One day, she > decided to raise the stakes. She called and said " I am saying goodbye " > I said " where are you going? " she said " I am killing myself because YOU > WON'T HELP YOUR BROTHER " THen she took pills while on the phone with > me so I could hear it. My father ran in, made her gag them up. They > made sure I heard the whole thing. They kept calling me, I avoided > the calls for 4 months and kept repeating that I will talk to her AFTER > She gets the help she needs. Well, she went to a therapist who told > her " it is perfectly normal to try to commit suicide and blame your > children, people do it all the time. Your daughter is the one with the > problem. " So that didn't work. I am blamed for my mother's suicide > attempt. The FADA now believes everything she says and does and tells > me over and over I am the wrong one and " look what you did to your > mother " . I just want to be left alone. > > I have tried MANY times to go NC, but they always " come for me " as I > put it. DH is a loving supportive guy who always tries to smooth > things over, so he will try to make me work it out for " peace " No > longer, he now sees the depths of her evil and wants her to stay away > from me and our kids. > > She has managed to turn the entire family against me, she loves that. > She's been telling me for years that everyone in the family hates me, > talks about me, I am a B, she agrees with them. I had an aunt I really > really liked and she stopped talking to me. I think what happened is I > decided to disengage from the sickness and she called that aunt > screaming and crying day and night. So of course instead of that aunt > saying " wow, this lady is sick! " she said " oh that rotten daughter of > yours. " My brother and his new wife stopped speaking to me 6 months > ago. They like having their bills paid, I guess. She has control over > him because he has always needed her. I think she rages on me because > I am very independent/self sufficient and have my stuff together, for > the most part. I've been told by family members and close friends it > is obvious she is very jealous of me. I don't doubt it. > > I have another aunt that gets attacked frequently. In front of the > family. No one says a darn word. She called me after the suicide > attempt to tell me my mother was clearly mentally ill. She said my > mother would call her and say things, then the next day call back, > denying it al, saying " you are CRAZY, you make things up. " My poor > aunt had to buy a taperecorder because she thought *she* was insane. > She is not. She has three grown kids who I am close with (though > probably just a matter of time, right?) and they all are a happy family. > > I've tried to create boundaries when I let her back in saying I'd see > them 1x a month. I felt I could put the fake smile on for an hour or > two once a month and deflect the sickness. I think that was MORE Than > generous given her history on how she treats me. Oh and when my older > DS was a toddler she came and physically attacked me in my home in > front of him. When I called the police to get her out I did not want > charges pressed, just needed her to GO. She ended up hitting the cop > 2x because he wouldn't let her continue to beat on me. I really got the > mother of the year. > > Anyway, they used my 4 year old to plow through that 1x a month boudary > by getting info out of him, showing up where they weren't wanted then > saying " he invited us, we are welcome to be here. " They want to be > wherever I am, then always complain that my friends are so rude to > them. (They are not, these are usually acquantainces that I don't tell > I have a sick NADA) > > I am stuck here now in that rotten place. Knowing I deserve to be > happy and to not let my kids get sucked into her sick world--she now > plays on their little minds. But the guilt, anger and fear of > them " coming for me " makes me sick, really sick. I just want them to > go away and leave me alone. I have a good husband, wonderful kids and a > lot of good friends. Unforutnately I have been very sick for two years > and am trying to balance my physical condition with the needs of my > children. I cannot have anything bringing me down right now, I > physically cannot handle it. I need to escape their sick world once > and for all. > > Another poster wrote a post earlier and asked how, and honestly, after > all these years I don't know how it will ever be possible. During the > last altercation they said they are taking me to court for grandparent > rights. I know that she could win an oscar with a performance in court > so I guess they'll get that, eventually. > > Sorry this got so long. Hope I can hang here for a while to get the > confirmation I need that I am doing the right thing by stopping all > contact and moving on. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 24, 2008 Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 > > I really don't know where to begin. Confused, hurting, guilt, anger, > ashamed (is it ME?), all of the typical feelings one with a NADA > experiences I suppose. > > I posted a few years ago when this board was in a different format. > All my life I was told I was a bad person, everything I did was wrong. > NADA enjoyed hurting me and watching me cry all my life. It is a > pattern I can look back on now with such clarity. Any happy moment she > made sure to come in for an attack right before to make me cry. > > A few years ago I *finally* realized that it is NOT me. She is > mentally ill and will not get help. She spiraled out of control about > 5 years ago and was told by a therapist that she needs serious > treatment, at a center from 9-5 everyday for a few weeks. Therapist > moved, she laughed it off. Now denies she was ever told that. I make > things up, I am a liar. > > Always got along with my father, he would always smooth things over by > telling me " you know how she is, just ignore her " He was by no means a > great dad growing up, but realized his faults and changed in later > years. I didn't have any anger toward him. We had a good relationship. > > Until....the moment of truth. About 2 years back my brother got > separated from his ex. Terrible stuff between them, he'd call me > sobbing and I would just listen and try to help him. Gave him $ for a > lawyer to fight in court. The NADA was at her summer home, calling me > screaming at me to " do something for your brother! " There was > literally nothing I could do other than what I was. One day, she > decided to raise the stakes. She called and said " I am saying goodbye " > I said " where are you going? " she said " I am killing myself because YOU > WON'T HELP YOUR BROTHER " THen she took pills while on the phone with > me so I could hear it. My father ran in, made her gag them up. They > made sure I heard the whole thing. They kept calling me, I avoided > the calls for 4 months and kept repeating that I will talk to her AFTER > She gets the help she needs. Well, she went to a therapist who told > her " it is perfectly normal to try to commit suicide and blame your > children, people do it all the time. Your daughter is the one with the > problem. " So that didn't work. I am blamed for my mother's suicide > attempt. The FADA now believes everything she says and does and tells > me over and over I am the wrong one and " look what you did to your > mother " . I just want to be left alone. > > I have tried MANY times to go NC, but they always " come for me " as I > put it. DH is a loving supportive guy who always tries to smooth > things over, so he will try to make me work it out for " peace " No > longer, he now sees the depths of her evil and wants her to stay away > from me and our kids. > > She has managed to turn the entire family against me, she loves that. > She's been telling me for years that everyone in the family hates me, > talks about me, I am a B, she agrees with them. I had an aunt I really > really liked and she stopped talking to me. I think what happened is I > decided to disengage from the sickness and she called that aunt > screaming and crying day and night. So of course instead of that aunt > saying " wow, this lady is sick! " she said " oh that rotten daughter of > yours. " My brother and his new wife stopped speaking to me 6 months > ago. They like having their bills paid, I guess. She has control over > him because he has always needed her. I think she rages on me because > I am very independent/self sufficient and have my stuff together, for > the most part. I've been told by family members and close friends it > is obvious she is very jealous of me. I don't doubt it. > > I have another aunt that gets attacked frequently. In front of the > family. No one says a darn word. She called me after the suicide > attempt to tell me my mother was clearly mentally ill. She said my > mother would call her and say things, then the next day call back, > denying it al, saying " you are CRAZY, you make things up. " My poor > aunt had to buy a taperecorder because she thought *she* was insane. > She is not. She has three grown kids who I am close with (though > probably just a matter of time, right?) and they all are a happy family. > > I've tried to create boundaries when I let her back in saying I'd see > them 1x a month. I felt I could put the fake smile on for an hour or > two once a month and deflect the sickness. I think that was MORE Than > generous given her history on how she treats me. Oh and when my older > DS was a toddler she came and physically attacked me in my home in > front of him. When I called the police to get her out I did not want > charges pressed, just needed her to GO. She ended up hitting the cop > 2x because he wouldn't let her continue to beat on me. I really got the > mother of the year. > > Anyway, they used my 4 year old to plow through that 1x a month boudary > by getting info out of him, showing up where they weren't wanted then > saying " he invited us, we are welcome to be here. " They want to be > wherever I am, then always complain that my friends are so rude to > them. (They are not, these are usually acquantainces that I don't tell > I have a sick NADA) > > I am stuck here now in that rotten place. Knowing I deserve to be > happy and to not let my kids get sucked into her sick world--she now > plays on their little minds. But the guilt, anger and fear of > them " coming for me " makes me sick, really sick. I just want them to > go away and leave me alone. I have a good husband, wonderful kids and a > lot of good friends. Unforutnately I have been very sick for two years > and am trying to balance my physical condition with the needs of my > children. I cannot have anything bringing me down right now, I > physically cannot handle it. I need to escape their sick world once > and for all. > > Another poster wrote a post earlier and asked how, and honestly, after > all these years I don't know how it will ever be possible. During the > last altercation they said they are taking me to court for grandparent > rights. I know that she could win an oscar with a performance in court > so I guess they'll get that, eventually. > > Sorry this got so long. Hope I can hang here for a while to get the > confirmation I need that I am doing the right thing by stopping all > contact and moving on. > Wow. Your story really moved me. I can relate so much to your story. My nada always made me cry as a child and strangely enough, the more she made me feel bad, the better she seemed to feel. The world was a lonely, confusing place for me as a child and I really felt like I must have been the worst daughter on earth. I only came to the realization a few months ago (after going to therapy for my own anxiety problems) that I was not that horrible person I had been led to believe, but that my mother had a serious mental illness. What a weight that lifted off my shoulders! I only wish someone had told me 20 years ago... (BTW nada still tells us she is only treated for depression - it was my therapist that told me she had BPD) It was only as I got older and started to question my nadas actions that I saw the mountain of lies her life had been built on. Unfortunately for her, as she got older and her mental state deteriorated (shes only 50 but seems more like 80), she kept tripping up trying to maintain her web of lies. I have also experienced guilt trips by my nada in relation to my siblings - which feels just awful when you are on the receiving end. She has also threatened to kill herself if I didnt give in to her demands - which I used to just give in to before I met my husband. He insists on doing the right thing for our family no matter what. That means if nada starts with her suicide threats - he packs us up to leave. I have to incur the wrath afterwards when she ends up in the hospital getting her stomach pumped and tells everyone it would not happen if she didnt have such a bad daughter (me). My nada said that her therapist told her that the cause for all her poblems were her bad children... me especially... My parents divorced when I was 8 and unfortunately my fada still believes her lies that I was a rotten child - as a result I have not seen him for ten years. Even when I did see him before that it was like he wanted to avoid me like the plague. My husband is wonderful and his main concern in my happiness and mental state. However, he thinks that NC would be more beneficial to me. (I moved a long way away from nada so because of her mobility problems she can rarely get here anyway...) Divide and Conquer, my therapist says. Nada continually lied and pitted family members against one another and then she would say that noone in my family liked me, and that I should stay away from them. Such a fractured family I now have whereby noone will talk to each other because there is so much mistrust and deception. I also have the problem of my nada playing on my childrens minds. I have restricted contact with her and try to keep the children from being alone with her. However, I few months ago, my son did something wrong and I was going to deal with it when I heard her alone with my son saying something in the context of: 'Its not your fault ( to my son) its your mums fault (mine). How dare she! How confusing for my son (hes 6) to know he had done the wrong thing (he woke up his cousin when she was sleeping) and then be told that it wasnt his fault - but mine! I really hope your physical problems improve - you deserve the best!!! I know how exhausting it is trying to keep the peace and raise a family. P.S. The advise of the therapist has been to replace these negative self beliefs with positive ones. Even though my nada was the one enforcing these negative beliefs I need to catch myself out when I do have them and try to turn the negatives into positives. Also, is it a common thing for nadas to turn enjoyable events for other people ( ie birthdays, christmas etc ) into a horrible time for that person? 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Guest guest Posted October 25, 2008 Report Share Posted October 25, 2008 Isn't it a comfort to know that we aren't alone in lives this CRAZY?!! Seriously -- one of the most valuable and healing aspects of this community is that it lets us know we're not alone. Being a child in the world of a selfish, destructive BPD is a lonely feeling. Glad you're here -- and thank you for posting your particular story, because I'm sure " realmom2two " REALLY appreciates that your story is just like hers. -Kyla > > > > I really don't know where to begin. Confused, hurting, guilt, > anger, > > ashamed (is it ME?), all of the typical feelings one with a NADA > > experiences I suppose. > > > > I posted a few years ago when this board was in a different > format. > > All my life I was told I was a bad person, everything I did was > wrong. > > NADA enjoyed hurting me and watching me cry all my life. It is a > > pattern I can look back on now with such clarity. Any happy moment > she > > made sure to come in for an attack right before to make me cry. > > > > A few years ago I *finally* realized that it is NOT me. She is > > mentally ill and will not get help. She spiraled out of control > about > > 5 years ago and was told by a therapist that she needs serious > > treatment, at a center from 9-5 everyday for a few weeks. > Therapist > > moved, she laughed it off. Now denies she was ever told that. I > make > > things up, I am a liar. > > > > Always got along with my father, he would always smooth things over > by > > telling me " you know how she is, just ignore her " He was by no > means a > > great dad growing up, but realized his faults and changed in later > > years. I didn't have any anger toward him. We had a good > relationship. > > > > Until....the moment of truth. About 2 years back my brother got > > separated from his ex. Terrible stuff between them, he'd call me > > sobbing and I would just listen and try to help him. Gave him $ for > a > > lawyer to fight in court. The NADA was at her summer home, calling > me > > screaming at me to " do something for your brother! " There was > > literally nothing I could do other than what I was. One day, she > > decided to raise the stakes. She called and said " I am saying > goodbye " > > I said " where are you going? " she said " I am killing myself because > YOU > > WON'T HELP YOUR BROTHER " THen she took pills while on the phone > with > > me so I could hear it. My father ran in, made her gag them up. > They > > made sure I heard the whole thing. They kept calling me, I > avoided > > the calls for 4 months and kept repeating that I will talk to her > AFTER > > She gets the help she needs. Well, she went to a therapist who > told > > her " it is perfectly normal to try to commit suicide and blame your > > children, people do it all the time. Your daughter is the one with > the > > problem. " So that didn't work. I am blamed for my mother's > suicide > > attempt. The FADA now believes everything she says and does and > tells > > me over and over I am the wrong one and " look what you did to your > > mother " . I just want to be left alone. > > > > I have tried MANY times to go NC, but they always " come for me " as > I > > put it. DH is a loving supportive guy who always tries to smooth > > things over, so he will try to make me work it out for " peace " No > > longer, he now sees the depths of her evil and wants her to stay > away > > from me and our kids. > > > > She has managed to turn the entire family against me, she loves > that. > > She's been telling me for years that everyone in the family hates > me, > > talks about me, I am a B, she agrees with them. I had an aunt I > really > > really liked and she stopped talking to me. I think what happened > is I > > decided to disengage from the sickness and she called that aunt > > screaming and crying day and night. So of course instead of that > aunt > > saying " wow, this lady is sick! " she said " oh that rotten daughter > of > > yours. " My brother and his new wife stopped speaking to me 6 > months > > ago. They like having their bills paid, I guess. She has control > over > > him because he has always needed her. I think she rages on me > because > > I am very independent/self sufficient and have my stuff together, > for > > the most part. I've been told by family members and close friends > it > > is obvious she is very jealous of me. I don't doubt it. > > > > I have another aunt that gets attacked frequently. In front of the > > family. No one says a darn word. She called me after the suicide > > attempt to tell me my mother was clearly mentally ill. She said my > > mother would call her and say things, then the next day call back, > > denying it al, saying " you are CRAZY, you make things up. " My poor > > aunt had to buy a taperecorder because she thought *she* was > insane. > > She is not. She has three grown kids who I am close with (though > > probably just a matter of time, right?) and they all are a happy > family. > > > > I've tried to create boundaries when I let her back in saying I'd > see > > them 1x a month. I felt I could put the fake smile on for an hour > or > > two once a month and deflect the sickness. I think that was MORE > Than > > generous given her history on how she treats me. Oh and when my > older > > DS was a toddler she came and physically attacked me in my home in > > front of him. When I called the police to get her out I did not > want > > charges pressed, just needed her to GO. She ended up hitting the > cop > > 2x because he wouldn't let her continue to beat on me. I really got > the > > mother of the year. > > > > Anyway, they used my 4 year old to plow through that 1x a month > boudary > > by getting info out of him, showing up where they weren't wanted > then > > saying " he invited us, we are welcome to be here. " They want to be > > wherever I am, then always complain that my friends are so rude to > > them. (They are not, these are usually acquantainces that I don't > tell > > I have a sick NADA) > > > > I am stuck here now in that rotten place. Knowing I deserve to be > > happy and to not let my kids get sucked into her sick world--she > now > > plays on their little minds. But the guilt, anger and fear of > > them " coming for me " makes me sick, really sick. I just want them > to > > go away and leave me alone. I have a good husband, wonderful kids > and a > > lot of good friends. Unforutnately I have been very sick for two > years > > and am trying to balance my physical condition with the needs of my > > children. I cannot have anything bringing me down right now, I > > physically cannot handle it. I need to escape their sick world > once > > and for all. > > > > Another poster wrote a post earlier and asked how, and honestly, > after > > all these years I don't know how it will ever be possible. During > the > > last altercation they said they are taking me to court for > grandparent > > rights. I know that she could win an oscar with a performance in > court > > so I guess they'll get that, eventually. > > > > Sorry this got so long. Hope I can hang here for a while to get > the > > confirmation I need that I am doing the right thing by stopping all > > contact and moving on. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 26, 2008 Report Share Posted October 26, 2008 Wow. It is so insane the lenghts that they will go through to suit their selfish needs and to " punish " us. I am estactic that your children were returned to you and your testimony gives me hope that my custody situation with fada will in fact, be over soon and work out for the best. What you had to do sounds like something out of a Lifetime movie. I didn't see my son for 2 months due to a false neglect report in a different county. Thank you for being so strong, you are truly an inspiration. > > > > I really don't know where to begin. Confused, hurting, guilt, anger, > > ashamed (is it ME?), all of the typical feelings one with a NADA > > experiences I suppose. > > > > I posted a few years ago when this board was in a different format. > > All my life I was told I was a bad person, everything I did was wrong. > > NADA enjoyed hurting me and watching me cry all my life. It is a > > pattern I can look back on now with such clarity. Any happy moment she > > made sure to come in for an attack right before to make me cry. > > > > A few years ago I *finally* realized that it is NOT me. She is > > mentally ill and will not get help. She spiraled out of control about > > 5 years ago and was told by a therapist that she needs serious > > treatment, at a center from 9-5 everyday for a few weeks. Therapist > > moved, she laughed it off. Now denies she was ever told that. I make > > things up, I am a liar. > > > > Always got along with my father, he would always smooth things over by > > telling me " you know how she is, just ignore her " He was by no means a > > great dad growing up, but realized his faults and changed in later > > years. I didn't have any anger toward him. We had a good relationship. > > > > Until....the moment of truth. About 2 years back my brother got > > separated from his ex. Terrible stuff between them, he'd call me > > sobbing and I would just listen and try to help him. Gave him $ for a > > lawyer to fight in court. The NADA was at her summer home, calling me > > screaming at me to " do something for your brother! " There was > > literally nothing I could do other than what I was. One day, she > > decided to raise the stakes. She called and said " I am saying goodbye " > > I said " where are you going? " she said " I am killing myself because YOU > > WON'T HELP YOUR BROTHER " THen she took pills while on the phone with > > me so I could hear it. My father ran in, made her gag them up. They > > made sure I heard the whole thing. They kept calling me, I avoided > > the calls for 4 months and kept repeating that I will talk to her AFTER > > She gets the help she needs. Well, she went to a therapist who told > > her " it is perfectly normal to try to commit suicide and blame your > > children, people do it all the time. Your daughter is the one with the > > problem. " So that didn't work. I am blamed for my mother's suicide > > attempt. The FADA now believes everything she says and does and tells > > me over and over I am the wrong one and " look what you did to your > > mother " . I just want to be left alone. > > > > I have tried MANY times to go NC, but they always " come for me " as I > > put it. DH is a loving supportive guy who always tries to smooth > > things over, so he will try to make me work it out for " peace " No > > longer, he now sees the depths of her evil and wants her to stay away > > from me and our kids. > > > > She has managed to turn the entire family against me, she loves that. > > She's been telling me for years that everyone in the family hates me, > > talks about me, I am a B, she agrees with them. I had an aunt I really > > really liked and she stopped talking to me. I think what happened is I > > decided to disengage from the sickness and she called that aunt > > screaming and crying day and night. So of course instead of that aunt > > saying " wow, this lady is sick! " she said " oh that rotten daughter of > > yours. " My brother and his new wife stopped speaking to me 6 months > > ago. They like having their bills paid, I guess. She has control over > > him because he has always needed her. I think she rages on me because > > I am very independent/ self sufficient and have my stuff together, for > > the most part. I've been told by family members and close friends it > > is obvious she is very jealous of me. I don't doubt it. > > > > I have another aunt that gets attacked frequently. In front of the > > family. No one says a darn word. She called me after the suicide > > attempt to tell me my mother was clearly mentally ill. She said my > > mother would call her and say things, then the next day call back, > > denying it al, saying " you are CRAZY, you make things up. " My poor > > aunt had to buy a taperecorder because she thought *she* was insane. > > She is not. She has three grown kids who I am close with (though > > probably just a matter of time, right?) and they all are a happy family. > > > > I've tried to create boundaries when I let her back in saying I'd see > > them 1x a month. I felt I could put the fake smile on for an hour or > > two once a month and deflect the sickness. I think that was MORE Than > > generous given her history on how she treats me. Oh and when my older > > DS was a toddler she came and physically attacked me in my home in > > front of him. When I called the police to get her out I did not want > > charges pressed, just needed her to GO. She ended up hitting the cop > > 2x because he wouldn't let her continue to beat on me. I really got the > > mother of the year. > > > > Anyway, they used my 4 year old to plow through that 1x a month boudary > > by getting info out of him, showing up where they weren't wanted then > > saying " he invited us, we are welcome to be here. " They want to be > > wherever I am, then always complain that my friends are so rude to > > them. (They are not, these are usually acquantainces that I don't tell > > I have a sick NADA) > > > > I am stuck here now in that rotten place. Knowing I deserve to be > > happy and to not let my kids get sucked into her sick world--she now > > plays on their little minds. But the guilt, anger and fear of > > them " coming for me " makes me sick, really sick. I just want them to > > go away and leave me alone. I have a good husband, wonderful kids and a > > lot of good friends. Unforutnately I have been very sick for two years > > and am trying to balance my physical condition with the needs of my > > children. I cannot have anything bringing me down right now, I > > physically cannot handle it. I need to escape their sick world once > > and for all. > > > > Another poster wrote a post earlier and asked how, and honestly, after > > all these years I don't know how it will ever be possible. During the > > last altercation they said they are taking me to court for grandparent > > rights. I know that she could win an oscar with a performance in court > > so I guess they'll get that, eventually. > > > > Sorry this got so long. Hope I can hang here for a while to get the > > confirmation I need that I am doing the right thing by stopping all > > contact and moving on. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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