Re: Waving apathetically (pathetically?) from ROCK BOTTOM!

[Guest guest]

At 04:44 PM 10/25/2008 yp_lynnette_cameron_park wrote:

>So against my better judgement I did what she suggested. SO

>was

>good. Friends are good. Family (that I'm talking to) are

>being

>fine. So why do I still feel alone in the dark of this? I'm

>fighting my tendancy to isolate myself when I ache. I'm having

>a

>couple of close friends over for a BBQ later today... they know

>

>what's going on. I need to remember that I'm cared for.

Most likely you feel alone in the dark because that's how your

nada has taught you to feel. When you grow up being told in one

way or another that your feelings don't matter it can be hard to

remember that other people care about you and the way you feel.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Sounds like you are right on target: that you are going through a

depression RE grieving for the normal mother that you never had. Its

kind of scary down there at rock bottom, isn't it. It scares me when

I get really low. Although it sounds like you are experiencing a

pretty strong depression, you're at least trying to dig out from under

it by having a BBQ and reaching out to friends and family, and that's

very positive and encouraging.

I too go through periods of depression over accepting the fact that my

nada is just not ever going to suddenly and miraculously transform

into a happy, normal kind of person. I'm still having problems

letting go / getting past my anger over what might have been, also.

The grief, and the periods of depression come and go; its a process,

not an event.

Hang in there, and keep following your therapist's advice, he/she

seems to be a good one & very insightful.

-Annie

>

> The view here sucks!

>

> Everything came crashing in on me. All of it. I went into

> therapists Wed and was so 'gone' she did the " Are you going to kill

> yourself " talk. I won't. But I'm done with caring.

>

> This wasn't triggered by any one particular incident. It's just the

> non-stop reality of the ongoing mess. I've lost all care and joy for

> ANYTHING. Even the good things. Don't care. Don't care. Don't

> care. Don't care. Don't care. Guess this is the " depression stage "

> of the stages of grieving for the mother I didn't have and the one

> I'm never going to have. I " get " it on a cognitive level. It's my

> heart that's having a hard time catching up.

>

> Therapist was pretty insistant that I " share " with SO and those

> closest to me. I said, " Why would I do that. If 'they' knew...

> they'd run. No one sticks around when *I* hurt. History has proven

> that " . Well, ok... I guess I'm really in pain.

>

> So against my better judgement I did what she suggested. SO was

> good. Friends are good. Family (that I'm talking to) are being

> fine. So why do I still feel alone in the dark of this? I'm

> fighting my tendancy to isolate myself when I ache. I'm having a

> couple of close friends over for a BBQ later today... they know

> what's going on. I need to remember that I'm cared for.

>

> It's a beautiful day outside... but I'm dark and overcast on the

> inside.

>

> Anyone?

>

> Lynnette

>

[Guest guest]

I'm new to the group and have just been reading and " listening " for a while.

All of our stories sound so familiar.

I lost my mother a year ago and have been dealing with the " what if's, " the

" if onlys, " and wondering how I could have done things differently since her

death. The sad thing is while she lay dying in the hospital we had the best

conversation I remember, and when my brothers told me it was time to take

her off the ventilator, essentially ending her life, I literally screamed

in the hospital, " No, I'm not ready, I want to talk with her some more. "

They thought I was the crazy one because everyone knew that I was the only

child that she didn't get along with. Just for that afternoon at her

bedside she seemed like a real mother to me - she seemed to love me and care

about me. Since then, I have been in her house every weekend taking care of

my 88 year old Dad, and I see her and hear her, and I can't seem to move on.

I am 58 years old and still looking for a mother - how sad. A co-worker

once shared this statement that I repeat to remind me that it really wasn't

about me. She said that I, " suffer the consequences of my mother's mental

illness. " That statement often helps me put things in perspective.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I really have been right

there with you in the therapist's office, so depressed that I couldn't work,

sitting at home crying for a mother, and it just doesn't seem to get any

easier. My mother's lasting legacy is that her 3 children and 2 of her

granddaughters are still tearing each other apart all because of the

dynamics she set-up to play each of us off the other.

It really is not our fault. Somehow we have to take care of ourselves and

find a better way.

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of

yp_lynnette_cameron_park

Sent: Saturday, October 25, 2008 4:44 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Waving apathetically (pathetically?) from ROCK

BOTTOM!

The view here sucks!

Everything came crashing in on me. All of it. I went into

therapists Wed and was so 'gone' she did the " Are you going to kill

yourself " talk. I won't. But I'm done with caring.

This wasn't triggered by any one particular incident. It's just the

non-stop reality of the ongoing mess. I've lost all care and joy for

ANYTHING. Even the good things. Don't care. Don't care. Don't

care. Don't care. Don't care. Guess this is the " depression stage "

of the stages of grieving for the mother I didn't have and the one

I'm never going to have. I " get " it on a cognitive level. It's my

heart that's having a hard time catching up.

Therapist was pretty insistant that I " share " with SO and those

closest to me. I said, " Why would I do that. If 'they' knew...

they'd run. No one sticks around when *I* hurt. History has proven

that " . Well, ok... I guess I'm really in pain.

So against my better judgement I did what she suggested. SO was

good. Friends are good. Family (that I'm talking to) are being

fine. So why do I still feel alone in the dark of this? I'm

fighting my tendancy to isolate myself when I ache. I'm having a

couple of close friends over for a BBQ later today... they know

what's going on. I need to remember that I'm cared for.

It's a beautiful day outside... but I'm dark and overcast on the

inside.

Anyone?

Lynnette

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6:08 PM

[Guest guest]

You sound like me when I depressed. I talk about it. I look for

friends to come and be with me. That's taking care of yourself. You

are mothering yourself. Visualize yourself hugging yourself, as if

you're the child and let yourself grieve. You'll feel better soon!

Barbara

> >

> > The view here sucks!

> >

> > Everything came crashing in on me. All of it. I went into

> > therapists Wed and was so 'gone' she did the " Are you going to

kill

> > yourself " talk. I won't. But I'm done with caring.

> >

> > This wasn't triggered by any one particular incident. It's just

the

> > non-stop reality of the ongoing mess. I've lost all care and joy

for

> > ANYTHING. Even the good things. Don't care. Don't care. Don't

> > care. Don't care. Don't care. Guess this is the " depression

stage "

> > of the stages of grieving for the mother I didn't have and the

one

> > I'm never going to have. I " get " it on a cognitive level. It's

my

> > heart that's having a hard time catching up.

> >

> > Therapist was pretty insistant that I " share " with SO and those

> > closest to me. I said, " Why would I do that. If 'they' knew...

> > they'd run. No one sticks around when *I* hurt. History has

proven

> > that " . Well, ok... I guess I'm really in pain.

> >

> > So against my better judgement I did what she suggested. SO was

> > good. Friends are good. Family (that I'm talking to) are being

> > fine. So why do I still feel alone in the dark of this? I'm

> > fighting my tendancy to isolate myself when I ache. I'm having a

> > couple of close friends over for a BBQ later today... they know

> > what's going on. I need to remember that I'm cared for.

> >

> > It's a beautiful day outside... but I'm dark and overcast on the

> > inside.

> >

> > Anyone?

> >

> > Lynnette

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Lynnette,

You are human and full of many emotions- and despite us being

told time after time- our feelings, our needs, and our desires where

taken from us. When you have been denied so much, over and over

again- the pain does catch up to you. Sometimes the pain comes at

the most unexpected time, and sometimes it is just residual pain,

even when we know we are in a better place. Either way it still

hurts like hell.

When I have experienced these moments, at first I was crushed,

like I would never recover, but I did, and do. Each time Lynnette I

promise you, more healing and less pain will follow. Our journeys

yes our filled with pain, but this is a feeling, and one thing I

have learned is all feelings do pass. Hang in there.

I hope you start experiencing more moments of peace and

love...those are the ones we all so deserve.

Malinda

Malinda

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " likeher " wrote:

>

> You sound like me when I depressed. I talk about it. I look for

> friends to come and be with me. That's taking care of yourself.

You

> are mothering yourself. Visualize yourself hugging yourself, as if

> you're the child and let yourself grieve. You'll feel better soon!

> Barbara

>

> > >

> > > The view here sucks!

> > >

> > > Everything came crashing in on me. All of it. I went into

> > > therapists Wed and was so 'gone' she did the " Are you going to

> kill

> > > yourself " talk. I won't. But I'm done with caring.

> > >

> > > This wasn't triggered by any one particular incident. It's

just

> the

> > > non-stop reality of the ongoing mess. I've lost all care and

joy

> for

> > > ANYTHING. Even the good things. Don't care. Don't care.

Don't

> > > care. Don't care. Don't care. Guess this is the " depression

> stage "

> > > of the stages of grieving for the mother I didn't have and the

> one

> > > I'm never going to have. I " get " it on a cognitive level.

It's

> my

> > > heart that's having a hard time catching up.

> > >

> > > Therapist was pretty insistant that I " share " with SO and

those

> > > closest to me. I said, " Why would I do that. If 'they'

knew...

> > > they'd run. No one sticks around when *I* hurt. History has

> proven

> > > that " . Well, ok... I guess I'm really in pain.

> > >

> > > So against my better judgement I did what she suggested. SO

was

> > > good. Friends are good. Family (that I'm talking to) are

being

> > > fine. So why do I still feel alone in the dark of this? I'm

> > > fighting my tendancy to isolate myself when I ache. I'm

having a

> > > couple of close friends over for a BBQ later today... they

know

> > > what's going on. I need to remember that I'm cared for.

> > >

> > > It's a beautiful day outside... but I'm dark and overcast on

the

> > > inside.

> > >

> > > Anyone?

> > >

> > > Lynnette

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Lynette -- hang on.....breathe deep......all is not lost.....these

feelings won't be so sharp in a short time. They WILL subside and

you WILL regain your footing again.

You matter -- even all by yourself. Even when not one person seems

to understand. The only validation you need is your own -- to trust

your own feelings. Maybe it's time to concentrate on standing

alone -- to trust that how you feel is how you feel, that the only

validation of that is your own, and that you matter as a separate

person from all the muck.

{hugs}

Kyla

>

> The view here sucks!

>

> Everything came crashing in on me. All of it. I went into

> therapists Wed and was so 'gone' she did the " Are you going to

kill

> yourself " talk. I won't. But I'm done with caring.

>

> This wasn't triggered by any one particular incident. It's just

the

> non-stop reality of the ongoing mess. I've lost all care and joy

for

> ANYTHING. Even the good things. Don't care. Don't care. Don't

> care. Don't care. Don't care. Guess this is the " depression

stage "

> of the stages of grieving for the mother I didn't have and the one

> I'm never going to have. I " get " it on a cognitive level. It's

my

> heart that's having a hard time catching up.

>

> Therapist was pretty insistant that I " share " with SO and those

> closest to me. I said, " Why would I do that. If 'they' knew...

> they'd run. No one sticks around when *I* hurt. History has

proven

> that " . Well, ok... I guess I'm really in pain.

>

> So against my better judgement I did what she suggested. SO was

> good. Friends are good. Family (that I'm talking to) are being

> fine. So why do I still feel alone in the dark of this? I'm

> fighting my tendancy to isolate myself when I ache. I'm having a

> couple of close friends over for a BBQ later today... they know

> what's going on. I need to remember that I'm cared for.

>

> It's a beautiful day outside... but I'm dark and overcast on the

> inside.

>

> Anyone?

>

> Lynnette

>

[Guest guest]

Your words Kylaboo are so profound.  Recently my therapist told me I have worth

without me doing anything.  I always felt that I had to make others ...

happy/sane/relaxed/safe/comfortable/etc,etc .. in order to be okay, lovable,

worthwhile.  It was what my nada trained me to do from an early age.  Now that

I've gone NC I have nightmares that she is killing me.  It's worth it because

she isn't " killing me "   when I'm awake anymore.

You do matter.  We all matter.

Thank you.

Ellie

Subject: Re: Waving apathetically (pathetically?) from ROCK

BOTTOM!

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Sunday, October 26, 2008, 3:56 AM

Lynette -- hang on.....breathe deep......all is not lost.....these

feelings won't be so sharp in a short time. They WILL subside and

you WILL regain your footing again.

You matter -- even all by yourself. Even when not one person seems

to understand. The only validation you need is your own -- to trust

your own feelings. Maybe it's time to concentrate on standing

alone -- to trust that how you feel is how you feel, that the only

validation of that is your own, and that you matter as a separate

person from all the muck.

{hugs}

Kyla

>

> The view here sucks!

>

> Everything came crashing in on me. All of it. I went into

> therapists Wed and was so 'gone' she did the " Are you going to

kill

> yourself " talk. I won't. But I'm done with caring.

>

> This wasn't triggered by any one particular incident. It's just

the

> non-stop reality of the ongoing mess. I've lost all care and joy

for

> ANYTHING. Even the good things. Don't care. Don't care. Don't

> care. Don't care. Don't care. Guess this is the " depression

stage "

> of the stages of grieving for the mother I didn't have and the one

> I'm never going to have. I " get " it on a cognitive level. It's

my

> heart that's having a hard time catching up.

>

> Therapist was pretty insistant that I " share " with SO and those

> closest to me. I said, " Why would I do that. If 'they' knew...

> they'd run. No one sticks around when *I* hurt. History has

proven

> that " . Well, ok... I guess I'm really in pain.

>

> So against my better judgement I did what she suggested. SO was

> good. Friends are good. Family (that I'm talking to) are being

> fine. So why do I still feel alone in the dark of this? I'm

> fighting my tendancy to isolate myself when I ache. I'm having a

> couple of close friends over for a BBQ later today... they know

> what's going on. I need to remember that I'm cared for.

>

> It's a beautiful day outside... but I'm dark and overcast on the

> inside.

>

> Anyone?

>

> Lynnette

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you... I'm trying to dig out... I've never EVER called on any

of my friends when I'm in 'need'... we all know the dynamic there...

so this is a totally new approach... scary.

Workin' UP... no matter how much the walls crumble...

Lynnette

> >

> > The view here sucks!

> >

> > Everything came crashing in on me. All of it. I went into

> > therapists Wed and was so 'gone' she did the " Are you going to

kill

> > yourself " talk. I won't. But I'm done with caring.

> >

> > This wasn't triggered by any one particular incident. It's just

the

> > non-stop reality of the ongoing mess. I've lost all care and joy

for

> > ANYTHING. Even the good things. Don't care. Don't care. Don't

> > care. Don't care. Don't care. Guess this is the " depression

stage "

> > of the stages of grieving for the mother I didn't have and the

one

> > I'm never going to have. I " get " it on a cognitive level. It's

my

> > heart that's having a hard time catching up.

> >

> > Therapist was pretty insistant that I " share " with SO and those

> > closest to me. I said, " Why would I do that. If 'they' knew...

> > they'd run. No one sticks around when *I* hurt. History has

proven

> > that " . Well, ok... I guess I'm really in pain.

> >

> > So against my better judgement I did what she suggested. SO was

> > good. Friends are good. Family (that I'm talking to) are being

> > fine. So why do I still feel alone in the dark of this? I'm

> > fighting my tendancy to isolate myself when I ache. I'm having a

> > couple of close friends over for a BBQ later today... they know

> > what's going on. I need to remember that I'm cared for.

> >

> > It's a beautiful day outside... but I'm dark and overcast on the

> > inside.

> >

> > Anyone?

> >

> > Lynnette

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I read this last night, " you feel alone in the dark because that's

how your nada has taught you to feel " ... GOOD GRIEF!!!! You hit the

nail on its head...

The whole idea of shining light and REACHING OUT when you're

afraid/alone in the dark is such a totally foreign concept to me that

I actually LAUGHED when therapist suggested it. Took me quite awhile

to realize she was serious... and boy did I throw up roadblocks!!!!

But, I swallowed my gut instict and did it... I still feel foolishly

vulnerable but what I 'was' doing wasn't working so I might as well

change strategies... or keep living on an insanity making path of

doing the same thing but expecting different results. Egads!

Lynnette

> >So against my better judgement I did what she suggested. SO

> >was

> >good. Friends are good. Family (that I'm talking to) are

> >being

> >fine. So why do I still feel alone in the dark of this? I'm

> >fighting my tendancy to isolate myself when I ache. I'm having

> >a

> >couple of close friends over for a BBQ later today... they know

> >

> >what's going on. I need to remember that I'm cared for.

>

> Most likely you feel alone in the dark because that's how your

> nada has taught you to feel. When you grow up being told in one

> way or another that your feelings don't matter it can be hard to

> remember that other people care about you and the way you feel.

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Until now, I've NEVER talked about being depressed. Nope, not

ever. This is new. This is scary... I'm trying to hug myself...

trying to take the stellarly outstanding good advice I give to others

and slap it on myself... brings me to the shakes but I'm still here...

Lynnette

> > >

> > > The view here sucks!

> > >

> > > Everything came crashing in on me. All of it. I went into

> > > therapists Wed and was so 'gone' she did the " Are you going to

> kill

> > > yourself " talk. I won't. But I'm done with caring.

> > >

> > > This wasn't triggered by any one particular incident. It's

just

> the

> > > non-stop reality of the ongoing mess. I've lost all care and

joy

> for

> > > ANYTHING. Even the good things. Don't care. Don't care.

Don't

> > > care. Don't care. Don't care. Guess this is the " depression

> stage "

> > > of the stages of grieving for the mother I didn't have and the

> one

> > > I'm never going to have. I " get " it on a cognitive level.

It's

> my

> > > heart that's having a hard time catching up.

> > >

> > > Therapist was pretty insistant that I " share " with SO and those

> > > closest to me. I said, " Why would I do that. If 'they'

knew...

> > > they'd run. No one sticks around when *I* hurt. History has

> proven

> > > that " . Well, ok... I guess I'm really in pain.

> > >

> > > So against my better judgement I did what she suggested. SO

was

> > > good. Friends are good. Family (that I'm talking to) are

being

> > > fine. So why do I still feel alone in the dark of this? I'm

> > > fighting my tendancy to isolate myself when I ache. I'm having

a

> > > couple of close friends over for a BBQ later today... they know

> > > what's going on. I need to remember that I'm cared for.

> > >

> > > It's a beautiful day outside... but I'm dark and overcast on

the

> > > inside.

> > >

> > > Anyone?

> > >

> > > Lynnette

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

" It's a feeling " ... had to learn what those were in the last 6

months. Some are fine... some not so much. Didn't realize how much

I really REALLY despise Nada for doing this to me... that said...

it's up to me to not let her do this to me anymore...

I'm letting it wash over... I know this isn't " forever " but it just

hurts...

Lynnette

> > > >

> > > > The view here sucks!

> > > >

> > > > Everything came crashing in on me. All of it. I went into

> > > > therapists Wed and was so 'gone' she did the " Are you going

to

> > kill

> > > > yourself " talk. I won't. But I'm done with caring.

> > > >

> > > > This wasn't triggered by any one particular incident. It's

> just

> > the

> > > > non-stop reality of the ongoing mess. I've lost all care and

> joy

> > for

> > > > ANYTHING. Even the good things. Don't care. Don't care.

> Don't

> > > > care. Don't care. Don't care. Guess this is

the " depression

> > stage "

> > > > of the stages of grieving for the mother I didn't have and

the

> > one

> > > > I'm never going to have. I " get " it on a cognitive level.

> It's

> > my

> > > > heart that's having a hard time catching up.

> > > >

> > > > Therapist was pretty insistant that I " share " with SO and

> those

> > > > closest to me. I said, " Why would I do that. If 'they'

> knew...

> > > > they'd run. No one sticks around when *I* hurt. History has

> > proven

> > > > that " . Well, ok... I guess I'm really in pain.

> > > >

> > > > So against my better judgement I did what she suggested. SO

> was

> > > > good. Friends are good. Family (that I'm talking to) are

> being

> > > > fine. So why do I still feel alone in the dark of this? I'm

> > > > fighting my tendancy to isolate myself when I ache. I'm

> having a

> > > > couple of close friends over for a BBQ later today... they

> know

> > > > what's going on. I need to remember that I'm cared for.

> > > >

> > > > It's a beautiful day outside... but I'm dark and overcast on

> the

> > > > inside.

> > > >

> > > > Anyone?

> > > >

> > > > Lynnette

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

" You matter as a separate person from all the muck. "

Sigh.

I'm learning how to " matter to me " in spite of all the " stuff " I

do... because a lot of what I do is a direct reaction to validate

myself in opposition to what SHE has said about me.

Slow long process.

Lynnette

> >

> > The view here sucks!

> >

> > Everything came crashing in on me. All of it. I went into

> > therapists Wed and was so 'gone' she did the " Are you going to

> kill

> > yourself " talk. I won't. But I'm done with caring.

> >

> > This wasn't triggered by any one particular incident. It's just

> the

> > non-stop reality of the ongoing mess. I've lost all care and joy

> for

> > ANYTHING. Even the good things. Don't care. Don't care. Don't

> > care. Don't care. Don't care. Guess this is the " depression

> stage "

> > of the stages of grieving for the mother I didn't have and the

one

> > I'm never going to have. I " get " it on a cognitive level. It's

> my

> > heart that's having a hard time catching up.

> >

> > Therapist was pretty insistant that I " share " with SO and those

> > closest to me. I said, " Why would I do that. If 'they' knew...

> > they'd run. No one sticks around when *I* hurt. History has

> proven

> > that " . Well, ok... I guess I'm really in pain.

> >

> > So against my better judgement I did what she suggested. SO was

> > good. Friends are good. Family (that I'm talking to) are being

> > fine. So why do I still feel alone in the dark of this? I'm

> > fighting my tendancy to isolate myself when I ache. I'm having a

> > couple of close friends over for a BBQ later today... they know

> > what's going on. I need to remember that I'm cared for.

> >

> > It's a beautiful day outside... but I'm dark and overcast on the

> > inside.

> >

> > Anyone?

> >

> > Lynnette

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You're right, its a two-part issue to deal with, at least for me.

Dealing with The Past:

My Sister and I remember the scary rages that would sometimes result

in physical abuse of us, and nada's nearly constant low-grade

irritability that made us believe that our own mother didn't even like

us very much. That, combined with her bewildering mood-switches, her

perfectionism, and her other bpd-isms made our growing up years very

stressful and painful. We remember it very well. I still have a lot

of anger over being bullied and frightened so badly, and so often,

while being told " its because I love you. "

Our nada had two ways of behaving when her rage had passed:

Sometimes she would have an instant memory wipe and be all chipper and

perky and would even sing as Sister and I were trembling on the floor,

afraid to move and knowing that if we cried or complained it would

trigger another rage and we'd be beaten all over again.

Other times, when nada sensed she had skated too close to the edge,

had come too close to putting us in the hospital, had gotten so out of

control that our bruises and stripes might be noticed by dad (or a

neighbor or a teacher) or had terrified Sister and me so badly that

we'd shriek like animals and try to get away from her, she would break

down in tears, and in blubbery sobs would promise to not do that

again, and she'd beg us to come to her and comfort her, etc.

Neither of nada's post-rage behaviors had anything to do with our

feelings or our needs: it was still all about nada.

Dealing with The Present:

A survival mechanism I developed was to just be with my nada in the

present moment, and exist moment by moment. As long as nada is able to

maintain a semblance of normal behavior and not be mean, critical,

hateful, whiny, attention-grabbing, etc., I can make myself forget the

past and just... accept or tolerate being with her, and even enjoy the

good moments in the present. But when nada acts out in the present,

my own accumulated and unexpressed volcano-like rage from a lifetime

of abuse is hard for me to control, and it scares the crap out of me,

so I just leave.

That's going to be hard for me to deal with, when my Sister begins

limited contact with nada again this holiday season, as she's told me

she plans to. I hope I can maintain my equilibrium for my Sister's

sake. No Contact is so much easier for me, but I'm letting Sister take

the lead with this, since Sister is the one who was hurt so badly most

recently by nada in spite of volunteering to be nada's caregiver. I

don't want to do anything that will make things more difficult for my

Sister; she is the one I am concerned about now.

I've pretty much stopped caring what nada things or feels anymore, but

I care very much about what my Sister needs. I hope I don't let her down.

-Annie

> > > > >

> > > > > The view here sucks!

> > > > >

> > > > > Everything came crashing in on me. All of it. I went into

> > > > > therapists Wed and was so 'gone' she did the " Are you going

> to

> > > kill

> > > > > yourself " talk. I won't. But I'm done with caring.

> > > > >

> > > > > This wasn't triggered by any one particular incident. It's

> > just

> > > the

> > > > > non-stop reality of the ongoing mess. I've lost all care and

> > joy

> > > for

> > > > > ANYTHING. Even the good things. Don't care. Don't care.

> > Don't

> > > > > care. Don't care. Don't care. Guess this is

> the " depression

> > > stage "

> > > > > of the stages of grieving for the mother I didn't have and

> the

> > > one

> > > > > I'm never going to have. I " get " it on a cognitive level.

> > It's

> > > my

> > > > > heart that's having a hard time catching up.

> > > > >

> > > > > Therapist was pretty insistant that I " share " with SO and

> > those

> > > > > closest to me. I said, " Why would I do that. If 'they'

> > knew...

> > > > > they'd run. No one sticks around when *I* hurt. History has

> > > proven

> > > > > that " . Well, ok... I guess I'm really in pain.

> > > > >

> > > > > So against my better judgement I did what she suggested. SO

> > was

> > > > > good. Friends are good. Family (that I'm talking to) are

> > being

> > > > > fine. So why do I still feel alone in the dark of this? I'm

> > > > > fighting my tendancy to isolate myself when I ache. I'm

> > having a

> > > > > couple of close friends over for a BBQ later today... they

> > know

> > > > > what's going on. I need to remember that I'm cared for.

> > > > >

> > > > > It's a beautiful day outside... but I'm dark and overcast on

> > the

> > > > > inside.

> > > > >

> > > > > Anyone?

> > > > >

> > > > > Lynnette

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>