Guest guest Posted October 13, 2008 Report Share Posted October 13, 2008 Is this common? My nada claimed to be a perfectionist and I've read that self-chosen label a few times on this board. Yes, that explains everything - she's a perfectionist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 13, 2008 Report Share Posted October 13, 2008 Oh my yes. My nada was and is a perfectionist, and proud of it. Nada was incapable of teaching us things like cooking or sewing or helping us with our homework, because if we didn't understand it (whatever " it " happened to be at the moment) with her first explanation, she'd become angry and start raging at us that we were stupid idiots. She would come and angrily re-do chores that she'd given us if we didn't do it " right. " We'd have to re-make beds and re-fold clothes, towels, etc if they weren't up to her standards. She'd even re-load the diswasher! What a legacy to leave behind her; she will be remembered for raging and punishing us for not loading the damned dishwasher " correctly. " What a crappy, miserable disorder bpd is. What a joy-sucking, misery-inducing thing to inflict on the human race. I deplore its pointless cruelty. -Annie > > Is this common? My nada claimed to be a perfectionist and I've read that > self-chosen label a few times on this board. Yes, that explains everything - > she's a perfectionist. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 13, 2008 Report Share Posted October 13, 2008 I used to get the disgusted snort and the eyeroll for cutting my meat with my knife in front of the fork. Like anyone besides her gave a s*** how I cut my meat. Also, we weren't allowed to touch the Sunday paper until SHE read it, and only AFTER she read it. Had to do with how we didn't put it back together right and that she liked to read the comics before us. She was 33 and we were 8 and 6. *Sigh* > > > > Is this common? My nada claimed to be a perfectionist and I've read that > > self-chosen label a few times on this board. Yes, that explains > everything - > > she's a perfectionist. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 13, 2008 Report Share Posted October 13, 2008 Its so cruel to humiliate, punish, or neglect a child for not being " perfect. " Its sadistic, even. I still have a lot of anger about that, about the cruelty. Its hard enough to navigate the pitfalls of growing up feeling like you're an OK, worthwhile, normal, lovable person even when you have regular (not mentally ill) parents, but having a borderline and/or narcissist for a parent(s) can be a living hell. Sister and I were often put in " no-win " situations, where whatever we did or said, it was wrong. Our nada tended to interpret things said to her in a negative way (still does!) so Sister and I had to be super-positive and happy if we wanted it to be a good day with nada. Any negativity on our part, for any reason, would be interpreted as criticism of herself. Some nada-isms: You look me in the eyes when I'm talking to you! (said as she was raging at me, shaking and/or slapping me. I wasn't allowed to cover or protect my face.) Can't you remember which way to fold the damned washcloths, you moron? Do it again! Go outside and play, for God's sake, and leave me alone! Just stay out of the kitchen, you'll make a mess. You'll never make a good pianist with those stubby fingers. You stupid idiot, how could you be so clumsy? (said whenever I fell or hurt myself.) I'll give you something to cry about! (a favorite!) We were nada's punching bags, both literally and figuratively. If nada was feeling upset or frustrated or angry about something, she'd just take it out on us. Sister and I both learned that our feelings and thoughts didn't matter, and we'd better keep them to ourselves. And I do remember that a lot of the abuse was focused around looking " perfect " and doing things " perfectly " the first time. Our nada had very little patience, was very nervous, " high-strung " , had a hair-trigger temper, and too much noise or messiness got her very agitated and upset. How could anyone think that such a person would make a good mother, for heaven's sake?! Our nada's temperament and her personality disorder were the exact opposite of what would be considered desirable traits for a good mother to have. And on top of that, our nada never even took care of a pet or had a babysitting job before she had us (she was fond of reminding us of that, like she was proud of it. How bizarre!) I often wonder: would Sister and I have been better off in foster care? I guess we'll never know. -Annie > > > > > > Is this common? My nada claimed to be a perfectionist and I've > read that > > > self-chosen label a few times on this board. Yes, that explains > > everything - > > > she's a perfectionist. > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 14, 2008 Report Share Posted October 14, 2008 This thread reminded me of something my therapist said recently: " People like to self-compliment and call themselves 'perfectionists', but it's really a dressed up term for " CONTROL FREAK " . They take a bad term like " control freak " and turn it around by calling it " perfectionism " , and brag about themselves at the same time. > > Is this common? My nada claimed to be a perfectionist and I've read that > self-chosen label a few times on this board. Yes, that explains everything - > she's a perfectionist. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 14, 2008 Report Share Posted October 14, 2008 Annie -- your post is so spot-on! Think about what's going on when they march in and remake your bed, or dramatically refold the clothes you just folded, etc..... What they're saying is " This is about ME and how much I KNOW.....You are not important here. What matters is how much I KNOW and that it's MORE than you know. " It makes me think that the " perfectionist " (a/k/a CONTROL FREAK) is terrified of doing things " wrong " , and thinks that she/he has some supernatural gift for seeing the one way and the one truth of how the world works, and they love to find fault with everyone who doesn't see it their way (translation: " The RIGHT way " ). It's as if they don't want to see individuals -- they can't relax and realize they don't hold up the world, and there are more important things than how to fold clothes a certain way, etc. Like your child's feelings of worth. Like recognizing the other human beings have a right to their way of doing things, too. That there are nicer ways to teach your children how things are done. My mother loved to find fault with everyone else. It was a sneaky way of elevating herself -- kind of like bragging about how rich you are by complaining about your maid. My mother loved to talk about how other people were " trash " , yet many times she looked trashy herself -- foul-mouthed, cigarette hanging out of her mouth, hard drinking loudmouth, lousy table manners, etc. I think hyper-critical control freaks (oops, I mean " perfectionists), in their words and deeds, end up saying more about themselves, than those they seek to criticize and belittle. -Kyla > > > > Is this common? My nada claimed to be a perfectionist and I've read that > > self-chosen label a few times on this board. Yes, that explains > everything - > > she's a perfectionist. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 14, 2008 Report Share Posted October 14, 2008 My brother and I still remember a time when we were all having dinner outside, and my mother turned to my brother and said " Use a napkin you slob! " He still remembers the humiliation. -Kyla > > > > > > Is this common? My nada claimed to be a perfectionist and I've > read that > > > self-chosen label a few times on this board. Yes, that explains > > everything - > > > she's a perfectionist. > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 14, 2008 Report Share Posted October 14, 2008 My nada is obsessively controlling and doesn't have a clue that she is that way. One thing is so weird, she has this weird obsession about driving routes. We now live in a larger city now but grew up in a small town. Now she has to plan out her 'route' to anywhere and everywhere for extended lengths of time before she goes anywhere. If i'm driving somewhere she'll ask me which route i'm taking and argue with me if it's not " the best " or most efficient route. If I miss a turn while she's in the car, or opt for an alternate route she has little fits. One time she even screamed at me after I asked her to quit backseat driving. " Well if I don't tell you where to go then you'll miss the F*#cking turn!! " what jerk she is. Obsessive behavior but to her it's the " correct " way. Ummm crazy no? PS: I should mention she freaks out if I ask her to pick me up or meet her in an unfamiliar place. She actually panics, worries, heavy breathing, doubts, etc. Then has to sit on google maps for an hour rather than take my word on directions, even though she has a cell phone I gave her in case of emergencies. Then she prattles on and on about her route decision, why she chose that way, what she saw on the way over, how long it took her to organize the route, which route she'll take back, blah blah blah. All the while with an air of arrogance and accomplishment about the whole deal. This is a DAILY occurence. > > Is this common? My nada claimed to be a perfectionist and I've read that > self-chosen label a few times on this board. Yes, that explains everything - > she's a perfectionist. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 14, 2008 Report Share Posted October 14, 2008 I hear you on the " no win " situations. Was it always your fault, too, that you didn't " win " ? nada loves to tell a story of me when I was about 5...I was folding hand towels for her. Now, I don't think it is harsh to invite a 5yo to help out with simple chores like that, but you have to let them do it the best ways they can, right? They aren't going to be " perfect " ...the point is that they get to help. Anyway, as she tells it, I was being very very careful to fold the towels lengthwise in thirds and with one of them I kept unfolding it and redoing it to get it just right...this, apparently is adorable. Then I clasped my hands together, while still on my knees on the floor, and raised my eyes upwards and begged, " Oh, please, Jesus, let me get this one right! " nada thinks this is so cute and funny. You know what I remember about that? I remember quaking inside, terrified that if it wasn't folded exactly her way that I'd have to do the whole basket over again while getting screamed at and berated for my stupidity and laziness. Not so cute, that. I used to get regularly mocked for my " laziness " because it was so hard for me to wake up in the morning. No wonder...she used to frequently come in my room late at night, raging, about this or that task that I " left undone " or " refused to do properly " , and then make me get out of bed to " fix " what ever it was that was wrong. If you prevent your child from getting a full nights sleep, doesn't it stand to reason that she just *might* be a bit tired the next morning? Ninera > > Subject: Re: nada was a " perfectionist " > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Date: Tuesday, October 14, 2008, 4:37 AM > Its so cruel to humiliate, punish, or neglect a child for > not being > " perfect. " Its sadistic, even. I still have a > lot of anger about > that, about the cruelty. Its hard enough to navigate the > pitfalls of > growing up feeling like you're an OK, worthwhile, > normal, lovable > person even when you have regular (not mentally ill) > parents, but > having a borderline and/or narcissist for a parent(s) can > be a living > hell. > > Sister and I were often put in " no-win " > situations, where whatever we > did or said, it was wrong. Our nada tended to interpret > things said > to her in a negative way (still does!) so Sister and I had > to be > super-positive and happy if we wanted it to be a good day > with nada. > Any negativity on our part, for any reason, would be > interpreted as > criticism of herself. > > Some nada-isms: > You look me in the eyes when I'm talking to you! (said > as she was > raging at me, shaking and/or slapping me. I wasn't > allowed to cover or > protect my face.) > Can't you remember which way to fold the damned > washcloths, you moron? > Do it again! > Go outside and play, for God's sake, and leave me > alone! > Just stay out of the kitchen, you'll make a mess. > You'll never make a good pianist with those stubby > fingers. > You stupid idiot, how could you be so clumsy? (said > whenever I fell or > hurt myself.) > I'll give you something to cry about! (a favorite!) > > We were nada's punching bags, both literally and > figuratively. If > nada was feeling upset or frustrated or angry about > something, she'd > just take it out on us. Sister and I both learned that our > feelings > and thoughts didn't matter, and we'd better keep > them to ourselves. > > And I do remember that a lot of the abuse was focused > around looking > " perfect " and doing things " perfectly " > the first time. Our nada had > very little patience, was very nervous, > " high-strung " , had a > hair-trigger temper, and too much noise or messiness got > her very > agitated and upset. > > How could anyone think that such a person would make a good > mother, > for heaven's sake?! Our nada's temperament and her > personality > disorder were the exact opposite of what would be > considered desirable > traits for a good mother to have. And on top of that, our > nada never > even took care of a pet or had a babysitting job before she > had us > (she was fond of reminding us of that, like she was proud > of it. How > bizarre!) > > I often wonder: would Sister and I have been better off in > foster > care? I guess we'll never know. > > -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > Is this common? My nada claimed to be a > perfectionist and I've > > read that > > > > self-chosen label a few times on this board. > Yes, that explains > > > everything - > > > > she's a perfectionist. > > > > > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > > > > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at > @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO > NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on > Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your > copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline > Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline > Parent,†(Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. > Welcome to the WTO community! > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community > and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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