Re: update on CPO... uBPD wants to apologize as part of the settlement

[Guest guest]

Wow, what a complex situation! But many, many kudos to you for

rescuing a young person from a horrible situation. I wish there were

more people like you.

If I were you I would rely on my lawyer's advice.

If he advises it, yes, I would go hear this woman's apology, mainly

because it IS an admission of guilt! That is REALLY important: she

actually and legally admits guilt!!

But I would under no circumstances change or cancel any protective

orders at this time. She may apologize, but she is not to be trusted

at this stage of development. She has proven herself to be a

dangerous person, and since you suspect she has a " Cluster B "

(borderline, narcissistic, sociopathic) personality disorder they will

say and do anything to manipulate people, with no remorse and no regret.

Narcissists/borderlines/sociopaths become enraged when thwarted, and

she is probably working up the mother of all mad-ons and would like to

revenge herself against you. Sociopaths are really good at playing

other people's emotions; they are excellent mimics and world-class,

-caliber actors. She may appear to be contrite, but the classic

bp will take advantage of any display of weakness on your part. Do not

be fooled!

At the meeting I'd say something like, " This is a really big step that

you are taking: admitting that you attacked me in my home, and I

admire you taking responsibility for your behavior like that. And I

am very happy to hear that you are in therapy. When you've been in

therapy for, oh, I don't know, A COUPLE OF YEARS, then we'll meet with

you and your therapist and your lawyer again and discuss the

possibility of rescending the restraining order, etc. "

So, you are presenting yourself as a reasonable, rational, decent

person who nevertheless has her number and will not be manipulated or

taken for a fool. You are stating that you have to see consistent,

concrete, normal behavior for a considerable period of time before you

will consider changing your plans. And only consider changing your

protective orders if her psychiatrist says that in their opinion it is

safe to do so.

So, that's my take on it. Hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> Wondering if those of you with more experience with a BPD person can

> help me process this..

>

> A brief description of my situation: We have been the surrogate

> family for the now 18 yr old high school senior friend of my high

> school senior son. The boy has been living with us since Father's

> day, when his mom had a huge rage. However, over the past 4-5 years he

> has been using us as a safe sanctuary for the repeated episodes of

> violence in his household, verbal, emotional, and physical. The mother

> had another rage in mid-July,at which time she came to my house,

> knocked on the door, pushed her way in when I opened it, and I ended

> up having to call the police after she hit me (she struck my arm when

> I was reaching for the

> phone). I didn't file a report. Last month, I got a phone call from

> the boy's father's psychologist, stating that he had a " duty to warn "

> me that the mother had threatened to kill me. I filed for a civil

> protective order (CPO), which the judge granted ex parte, telling my

> lawyer that this was one of the most warranted requests he had heard

> in awhile.

>

> Fast forward a few weeks, and just this afternoon I got a call from my

> lawyer, who had heard from the mother's lawyer. She has asked to

meet in

> person with me (with the lawyers present) to " tender an apology. " I

> asked my lawyer if that was something her lawyer would have

> recommended, and she said that it likely came from a counselor,

> because an apology is an admission of guilt and a lawyer wouldn't

> recommend that.

>

> Anyhow, now I am feeling like I am being pressured to change what I

> have asked for in the CPO because of the apology. I plan to stick to

> my request, but it seems like I am being put in an awkward position.

> Why would my lawyer have me listen to an apology... it absolutely

> won't change my fear of this woman and it would only help her, in my

> opinion.

>

> So, for those of you with more experience with BPD, what should I make

> of this request for an apology? Do you think that she assumes I will

> drop the whole issue because of the apology? Is there any reason why

> I shouldn't hear it? Anything I should say in response to it?

>

> Thanks for any insight.

>

[Guest guest]

Without intense psychotherapy and a demonstrated willingness to

change, BPDs routinely use apologies to get what they want. If you

want to give her the benefit of the doubt -- accept a written

apology, then continue making sure she stays away from you. Her

ACTIONS should be what guide you to protect yourself -- not an

apology.

I think it would be foolish to trust her words, when her deeds are

dangerous, rageful, vengeful and have a long history.

Sometimes the apology is simply a strategy for getting what they

want.

-Kyla

>

> Wondering if those of you with more experience with a BPD person

can

> help me process this..

>

> A brief description of my situation: We have been the surrogate

> family for the now 18 yr old high school senior friend of my high

> school senior son. The boy has been living with us since Father's

> day, when his mom had a huge rage. However, over the past 4-5

years he

> has been using us as a safe sanctuary for the repeated episodes of

> violence in his household, verbal, emotional, and physical. The

mother

> had another rage in mid-July,at which time she came to my house,

> knocked on the door, pushed her way in when I opened it, and I

ended

> up having to call the police after she hit me (she struck my arm

when

> I was reaching for the

> phone). I didn't file a report. Last month, I got a phone call

from

> the boy's father's psychologist, stating that he had a " duty to

warn "

> me that the mother had threatened to kill me. I filed for a civil

> protective order (CPO), which the judge granted ex parte, telling

my

> lawyer that this was one of the most warranted requests he had

heard

> in awhile.

>

> Fast forward a few weeks, and just this afternoon I got a call

from my

> lawyer, who had heard from the mother's lawyer. She has asked to

meet in

> person with me (with the lawyers present) to " tender an apology. "

I

> asked my lawyer if that was something her lawyer would have

> recommended, and she said that it likely came from a counselor,

> because an apology is an admission of guilt and a lawyer wouldn't

> recommend that.

>

> Anyhow, now I am feeling like I am being pressured to change what I

> have asked for in the CPO because of the apology. I plan to stick

to

> my request, but it seems like I am being put in an awkward

position.

> Why would my lawyer have me listen to an apology... it absolutely

> won't change my fear of this woman and it would only help her, in

my

> opinion.

>

> So, for those of you with more experience with BPD, what should I

make

> of this request for an apology? Do you think that she assumes I

will

> drop the whole issue because of the apology? Is there any reason

why

> I shouldn't hear it? Anything I should say in response to it?

>

> Thanks for any insight.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the thoughtful responses.

I guess I am wondering how I should respond/act during and after the apology. I

truly don't

think I'll believe a single syllable of it, but I doubt that would be the best

thing to say. Any

suggestions?

I love the suggestion of thanking her for publicly admitting guilt!, but that

assumes that

she'll actually admit to that. I more think her " apology " will be something

along the lines of

" I'm sorry you got so upset " or " I'm sorry my husband over reacted and told his

counselor

something that I had said to him privately. "

Is there an effective way to handle an apology from her?

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the thoughtful responses.

I guess I am wondering how I should respond/act during and after the apology. I

truly don't

think I'll believe a single syllable of it, but I doubt that would be the best

thing to say. Any

suggestions?

I love the suggestion of thanking her for publicly admitting guilt!, but that

assumes that

she'll actually admit to that. I more think her " apology " will be something

along the lines of

" I'm sorry you got so upset " or " I'm sorry my husband over reacted and told his

counselor

something that I had said to him privately. "

Is there an effective way to handle an apology from her?

[Guest guest]

Whenever my mom has tried apologizing to me, which is very rare, and i always

know she either doesnt know what she is apologizing for, or doesnt really mean

it, i just respond " thank you for your apology " . I dont know why but this

always has felt comfortable for me.

Re: update on CPO... uBPD wants to apologize as

part of the settlement

Thanks for the thoughtful responses.

I guess I am wondering how I should respond/act during and after the apology. I

truly don't

think I'll believe a single syllable of it, but I doubt that would be the best

thing to say. Any

suggestions?

I love the suggestion of thanking her for publicly admitting guilt!, but that

assumes that

she'll actually admit to that. I more think her " apology " will be something

along the lines of

" I'm sorry you got so upset " or " I'm sorry my husband over reacted and told his

counselor

something that I had said to him privately. "

Is there an effective way to handle an apology from her?

[Guest guest]

I have to agree with this. Suspect manipulation from this woman before all else.

Her behavior sets the tone not what she says. Keep the CPO as it is, do not be

pressured into changing it because of a " change " in attitude from this woman. Do

not give her the benefit of the doubt because quite frankly she has done nothing

by her son to warrant it. This is a tricky situation, go with your gut. You know

what is going on and I think you are handling it better than most.

Be strong

Re: update on CPO... uBPD wants to apologize as

part of the settlement

Without intense psychotherapy and a demonstrated willingness to

change, BPDs routinely use apologies to get what they want. If you

want to give her the benefit of the doubt -- accept a written

apology, then continue making sure she stays away from you. Her

ACTIONS should be what guide you to protect yourself -- not an

apology.

I think it would be foolish to trust her words, when her deeds are

dangerous, rageful, vengeful and have a long history.

Sometimes the apology is simply a strategy for getting what they

want.

-Kyla

>

> Wondering if those of you with more experience with a BPD person

can

> help me process this..

>

> A brief description of my situation: We have been the surrogate

> family for the now 18 yr old high school senior friend of my high

> school senior son. The boy has been living with us since Father's

> day, when his mom had a huge rage. However, over the past 4-5

years he

> has been using us as a safe sanctuary for the repeated episodes of

> violence in his household, verbal, emotional, and physical. The

mother

> had another rage in mid-July,at which time she came to my house,

> knocked on the door, pushed her way in when I opened it, and I

ended

> up having to call the police after she hit me (she struck my arm

when

> I was reaching for the

> phone). I didn't file a report. Last month, I got a phone call

from

> the boy's father's psychologist, stating that he had a " duty to

warn "

> me that the mother had threatened to kill me. I filed for a civil

> protective order (CPO), which the judge granted ex parte, telling

my

> lawyer that this was one of the most warranted requests he had

heard

> in awhile.

>

> Fast forward a few weeks, and just this afternoon I got a call

from my

> lawyer, who had heard from the mother's lawyer. She has asked to

meet in

> person with me (with the lawyers present) to " tender an apology. "

I

> asked my lawyer if that was something her lawyer would have

> recommended, and she said that it likely came from a counselor,

> because an apology is an admission of guilt and a lawyer wouldn't

> recommend that.

>

> Anyhow, now I am feeling like I am being pressured to change what I

> have asked for in the CPO because of the apology. I plan to stick

to

> my request, but it seems like I am being put in an awkward

position.

> Why would my lawyer have me listen to an apology... it absolutely

> won't change my fear of this woman and it would only help her, in

my

> opinion.

>

> So, for those of you with more experience with BPD, what should I

make

> of this request for an apology? Do you think that she assumes I

will

> drop the whole issue because of the apology? Is there any reason

why

> I shouldn't hear it? Anything I should say in response to it?

>

> Thanks for any insight.

>

[Guest guest]

I would *so* rely on my lawyer for this kind of advice under these

circumstances.

And, I would consult with a professional psychologist/psychiatrist RE

how to deal with this individual.

Your psycologist could consult on a professional level with the weird

mom's psychologist, and then yours could advise you as to how to

protect yourself / deal with her in the future.

But if there's no time for consultations, my advice is: say nothing!

Just smile and be pleasant!

And listen to your lawyer, let him do your talking for you, that's

what he's there for.

-Annie

>

> Thanks for the thoughtful responses.

>

> I guess I am wondering how I should respond/act during and after the

apology. I truly don't

> think I'll believe a single syllable of it, but I doubt that would

be the best thing to say. Any

> suggestions?

>

> I love the suggestion of thanking her for publicly admitting guilt!,

but that assumes that

> she'll actually admit to that. I more think her " apology " will be

something along the lines of

> " I'm sorry you got so upset " or " I'm sorry my husband over reacted

and told his counselor

> something that I had said to him privately. "

>

> Is there an effective way to handle an apology from her?

>

[Guest guest]

Aren't you concerned that saying " thank for the apology " will be

twisted in the mind of a BPD to mean that I accept and the whole

matter is forgotten?

>

> Whenever my mom has tried apologizing to me, which is very rare, and

i always know she either doesnt know what she is apologizing for, or

doesnt really mean it, i just respond " thank you for your apology " . I

dont know why but this always has felt comfortable for me.

>

>

>

> Re: update on CPO... uBPD wants to

apologize as part of the settlement

>

>

> Thanks for the thoughtful responses.

>

> I guess I am wondering how I should respond/act during and after the

apology. I truly don't

> think I'll believe a single syllable of it, but I doubt that would

be the best thing to say. Any

> suggestions?

>

> I love the suggestion of thanking her for publicly admitting guilt!,

but that assumes that

> she'll actually admit to that. I more think her " apology " will be

something along the lines of

> " I'm sorry you got so upset " or " I'm sorry my husband over reacted

and told his counselor

> something that I had said to him privately. "

>

> Is there an effective way to handle an apology from her?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I can see how you would be concerned that they would interpret it that way. I

have always thought of it as thanking them for apologizing, but not saying " it

is ok " for whatever it was they did. I guess my usual response was " it's ok " ,

and that left it that yes, I accept the apology and it is forgotten. But with

" thanks for the apology " , i feel you are thanking them for apologizing, yet not

saying it is ok. That is just my interpretation of it, and it works for me, but

may not work for others.

T

Re: update on CPO... uBPD wants to

apologize as part of the settlement

>

>

> Thanks for the thoughtful responses.

>

> I guess I am wondering how I should respond/act during and after the

apology. I truly don't

> think I'll believe a single syllable of it, but I doubt that would

be the best thing to say. Any

> suggestions?

>

> I love the suggestion of thanking her for publicly admitting guilt!,

but that assumes that

> she'll actually admit to that. I more think her " apology " will be

something along the lines of

> " I'm sorry you got so upset " or " I'm sorry my husband over reacted

and told his counselor

> something that I had said to him privately. "

>

> Is there an effective way to handle an apology from her?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>