Re: I started the process. Thanks!!

[Guest guest]

Dear le,

Yes, I know it's exhausting, but you really did it! You are standing

up for yourself and your kids! GREAT JOB!!!! I know you probably

feel a little strange about it, but do you feel relieved too? When I

made the decision to stop playing my NADA's games, I didn't really

affirm it with her or any other member of the family. Just made the

decision with myself and pretty much went NC. I guess I'm jealous of

those of you who had some type of verbal closure to end this NADA

crap.

I think you made a great decision. I am happy for you.

Take care,

Sara jo

>

> I paid attention to the advice given here and I acted. I called my

> father on his way to work today and told him I could no longer be

part

> of the whole circle of deceit with nada. I told him I value

honesty

> and that I am the worst one. I am the receiver of all of the

secrets

> and I'm not doing it anymore. I let him know that I haven't lived

35

> years, had two children and four miscarriages to be controlled

like a

> little child. She will no longer be making my call waiting go off

> until I cease my phone calls, etc. We have all let her control us

for

> years because we fear her rages and I don't care anymore. I said

that

> I was done. I told him they aren't coming to my house next week

and

> that I'm telling nada that when I call to talk to him about car

> trouble (the only reason I can call my own father without her

freaking

> out) that she has left. They aren't welcome in my little tiny

rental

> house if they can't get along and they aren't dragging their

problems

> into my life anymore.

>

> I feel bad for him. He is so, so scared of her. His response was,

> " Well what should I do? " I told him I really didn't care, but I

> wasn't going to be a part of it anymore that she has control over 3

> generations of people from Tennessee to Ohio and I'm not going to

let

> it get to my kids.

>

> It was a respectful conversation. I told him I was flattered that

> everyone confided in me, but that it wasn't right and I wouldn't be

> doing it anymore. Lots of other things were said, but to sum it

up I

> stood my ground and said I wasn't participating and that she is

crazy

> and it's time to quit pretending. We parted peacefully. Now I

have

> to call my mother and not let myself get sucked in by her. I woke

up

> this morning blaming myself for everything. Fortunately I have a

very

> good patient husband that talked some sense into me.

>

> This is so exhausting. My kids will wake up soon and I am weary.

>

> Can you believe I actually did it?

>

> Thank you,

> le

>

[Guest guest]

Dear le,

Yes, I know it's exhausting, but you really did it! You are standing

up for yourself and your kids! GREAT JOB!!!! I know you probably

feel a little strange about it, but do you feel relieved too? When I

made the decision to stop playing my NADA's games, I didn't really

affirm it with her or any other member of the family. Just made the

decision with myself and pretty much went NC. I guess I'm jealous of

those of you who had some type of verbal closure to end this NADA

crap.

I think you made a great decision. I am happy for you.

Take care,

Sara jo

>

> I paid attention to the advice given here and I acted. I called my

> father on his way to work today and told him I could no longer be

part

> of the whole circle of deceit with nada. I told him I value

honesty

> and that I am the worst one. I am the receiver of all of the

secrets

> and I'm not doing it anymore. I let him know that I haven't lived

35

> years, had two children and four miscarriages to be controlled

like a

> little child. She will no longer be making my call waiting go off

> until I cease my phone calls, etc. We have all let her control us

for

> years because we fear her rages and I don't care anymore. I said

that

> I was done. I told him they aren't coming to my house next week

and

> that I'm telling nada that when I call to talk to him about car

> trouble (the only reason I can call my own father without her

freaking

> out) that she has left. They aren't welcome in my little tiny

rental

> house if they can't get along and they aren't dragging their

problems

> into my life anymore.

>

> I feel bad for him. He is so, so scared of her. His response was,

> " Well what should I do? " I told him I really didn't care, but I

> wasn't going to be a part of it anymore that she has control over 3

> generations of people from Tennessee to Ohio and I'm not going to

let

> it get to my kids.

>

> It was a respectful conversation. I told him I was flattered that

> everyone confided in me, but that it wasn't right and I wouldn't be

> doing it anymore. Lots of other things were said, but to sum it

up I

> stood my ground and said I wasn't participating and that she is

crazy

> and it's time to quit pretending. We parted peacefully. Now I

have

> to call my mother and not let myself get sucked in by her. I woke

up

> this morning blaming myself for everything. Fortunately I have a

very

> good patient husband that talked some sense into me.

>

> This is so exhausting. My kids will wake up soon and I am weary.

>

> Can you believe I actually did it?

>

> Thank you,

> le

>

[Guest guest]

Way to go!

>

> I paid attention to the advice given here and I acted. I called my

> father on his way to work today and told him I could no longer be

part

> of the whole circle of deceit with nada. I told him I value

honesty

> and that I am the worst one. I am the receiver of all of the

secrets

> and I'm not doing it anymore. I let him know that I haven't lived

35

> years, had two children and four miscarriages to be controlled

like a

> little child. She will no longer be making my call waiting go off

> until I cease my phone calls, etc. We have all let her control us

for

> years because we fear her rages and I don't care anymore. I said

that

> I was done. I told him they aren't coming to my house next week

and

> that I'm telling nada that when I call to talk to him about car

> trouble (the only reason I can call my own father without her

freaking

> out) that she has left. They aren't welcome in my little tiny

rental

> house if they can't get along and they aren't dragging their

problems

> into my life anymore.

>

> I feel bad for him. He is so, so scared of her. His response was,

> " Well what should I do? " I told him I really didn't care, but I

> wasn't going to be a part of it anymore that she has control over 3

> generations of people from Tennessee to Ohio and I'm not going to

let

> it get to my kids.

>

> It was a respectful conversation. I told him I was flattered that

> everyone confided in me, but that it wasn't right and I wouldn't be

> doing it anymore. Lots of other things were said, but to sum it

up I

> stood my ground and said I wasn't participating and that she is

crazy

> and it's time to quit pretending. We parted peacefully. Now I

have

> to call my mother and not let myself get sucked in by her. I woke

up

> this morning blaming myself for everything. Fortunately I have a

very

> good patient husband that talked some sense into me.

>

> This is so exhausting. My kids will wake up soon and I am weary.

>

> Can you believe I actually did it?

>

> Thank you,

> le

>

[Guest guest]

Hip, hip, HOORAY!!!! You knocked it out of the park!!!! WOW!!

You excelled on so many levels -- drew your boundary, remained

respectful, deflected your father's " What do I do? " -- correctly

remembering that it's not your job to advise him in marital matters,

remained strong in the face of standing up to your parents (no easy

task, but definitely do-able!). You had an uncomfortable, fearful

task set before you and YOU STEPPED UP AND DID WHAT YOU HAD TO DO.

Even picking up the phone to place this call must have been

terrifying, but YOU DID IT ANYWAY!!! (That's such a great life

lesson you've accomplished: Sometimes doing the right thing is

scary, but charge in and do it anyway!) I'll bet your dad has a bit

of grudging respect for what you did -- something he never did all

those years ago, setting a pattern of victimhood for the rest of his

life.

You've broken the cycle -- STANDING OVATION!!! Stay strong -- stand

firm --- keep protecting YOU and YOURS. Your mother has hogged your

driver's seat for too long, imposing her will over yours. You've

begun the process of evicting her from your rightful spot.

Congratulations!

{{{{hugs}}}

Kyla

>

> I paid attention to the advice given here and I acted. I called my

> father on his way to work today and told him I could no longer be

part

> of the whole circle of deceit with nada. I told him I value

honesty

> and that I am the worst one. I am the receiver of all of the

secrets

> and I'm not doing it anymore. I let him know that I haven't lived

35

> years, had two children and four miscarriages to be controlled

like a

> little child. She will no longer be making my call waiting go off

> until I cease my phone calls, etc. We have all let her control us

for

> years because we fear her rages and I don't care anymore. I said

that

> I was done. I told him they aren't coming to my house next week

and

> that I'm telling nada that when I call to talk to him about car

> trouble (the only reason I can call my own father without her

freaking

> out) that she has left. They aren't welcome in my little tiny

rental

> house if they can't get along and they aren't dragging their

problems

> into my life anymore.

>

> I feel bad for him. He is so, so scared of her. His response was,

> " Well what should I do? " I told him I really didn't care, but I

> wasn't going to be a part of it anymore that she has control over 3

> generations of people from Tennessee to Ohio and I'm not going to

let

> it get to my kids.

>

> It was a respectful conversation. I told him I was flattered that

> everyone confided in me, but that it wasn't right and I wouldn't be

> doing it anymore. Lots of other things were said, but to sum it

up I

> stood my ground and said I wasn't participating and that she is

crazy

> and it's time to quit pretending. We parted peacefully. Now I

have

> to call my mother and not let myself get sucked in by her. I woke

up

> this morning blaming myself for everything. Fortunately I have a

very

> good patient husband that talked some sense into me.

>

> This is so exhausting. My kids will wake up soon and I am weary.

>

> Can you believe I actually did it?

>

> Thank you,

> le

>

[Guest guest]

Most of us were programmed with that faulty " blame yourself first

for every tense situation " -- and that default feeling is not going

to go away overnight.

Just wanted to tell you that it's normal, it's still faulty, and you

can weather the feeling for awhile.

It's NEVER wrong to speak up for yourself when you've had enough --

those are the firm words of my wonderful therapist of 16 years. If

you were her client, she would be cheering you on right now.

Don't blame yourself for finally announcing you're an adult. Be

prepared for some fallout from the members of the " system " that you

were expected to be a part of. You've left the " system " , and that

will rankle some, but so be it.

As someone once said " Run your own race in life. "

Don't blame yourself for listening to your gut -- you have nothing

to feel guilty about. If anything, your parents have a lot to

answer for by making their daughter endure numerous boundary

violations and too much enmeshment, such that she feels anguished

about simply living her own life on her own terms. (Mine are doing

the same thing to me, by the way. My " self-blame " has eased up with

time.)

" Normal " parents wouldn't put you in these positions and wouldn't

begrudge you living your own life. I'm constantly amazed by how

respectful my husband's parents (from " Normal-land " ) are to us and

our life. They give love and respect, and recognize our right to a

peaceful existence. It's been a useful juxtaposition with my own

family ( " Not Normal Land " ) -- it's been a very good teaching tool.

Don't blame yourself -- it's faulty programming. Keep telling

yourself " I have the right to peace in my world. I have the right

to draw the lines around my life, and the right to expect others in

my life to respect that. " Put that concept in your own words, write

it down and keep looking at it when the guilty feelings pop up.

-Kyla

> >

> > I paid attention to the advice given here and I acted. I called

my

> > father on his way to work today and told him I could no longer

be

> part

> > of the whole circle of deceit with nada. I told him I value

> honesty

> > and that I am the worst one. I am the receiver of all of the

> secrets

> > and I'm not doing it anymore. I let him know that I haven't

lived

> 35

> > years, had two children and four miscarriages to be controlled

> like a

> > little child. She will no longer be making my call waiting go

off

> > until I cease my phone calls, etc. We have all let her control

us

> for

> > years because we fear her rages and I don't care anymore. I

said

> that

> > I was done. I told him they aren't coming to my house next week

> and

> > that I'm telling nada that when I call to talk to him about car

> > trouble (the only reason I can call my own father without her

> freaking

> > out) that she has left. They aren't welcome in my little tiny

> rental

> > house if they can't get along and they aren't dragging their

> problems

> > into my life anymore.

> >

> > I feel bad for him. He is so, so scared of her. His response

was,

> > " Well what should I do? " I told him I really didn't care, but I

> > wasn't going to be a part of it anymore that she has control

over 3

> > generations of people from Tennessee to Ohio and I'm not going

to

> let

> > it get to my kids.

> >

> > It was a respectful conversation. I told him I was flattered

that

> > everyone confided in me, but that it wasn't right and I wouldn't

be

> > doing it anymore. Lots of other things were said, but to sum it

> up I

> > stood my ground and said I wasn't participating and that she is

> crazy

> > and it's time to quit pretending. We parted peacefully. Now I

> have

> > to call my mother and not let myself get sucked in by her. I

woke

> up

> > this morning blaming myself for everything. Fortunately I have

a

> very

> > good patient husband that talked some sense into me.

> >

> > This is so exhausting. My kids will wake up soon and I am weary.

> >

> > Can you believe I actually did it?

> >

> > Thank you,

> > le

> >

>

[Guest guest]

One more thing: be prepared for them to test your newfound

strength. Your mother, especially. Stand firm. Politely police

your boundaries. Do what you need to do to keep them in place.

It's like teaching a child that you mean what you say -- do you cave

in when they test you? NO -- you stand firm, even if it means you

stay up all night making sure they stay in " timeout " . All it takes

is those first couple of times of them trying to invade your

newfound wall -- they'll eventually learn you mean what you say.

But the first step is not letting them be successful in breaking

down the boundaries you've just drawn.

Example: If you have to, remove Caller ID for awhile if your mother

keeps using it to harass you. etc., etc., Be brief in your

explanations reinforcing your boundaries -- if they can draw you

into overexplaining yourself, you'll look subordinate to them.

Adults don't overexplain themselves -- they announce their decisions

and that's the end of it.

-Kyla

> >

> > I paid attention to the advice given here and I acted. I called

my

> > father on his way to work today and told him I could no longer

be

> part

> > of the whole circle of deceit with nada. I told him I value

> honesty

> > and that I am the worst one. I am the receiver of all of the

> secrets

> > and I'm not doing it anymore. I let him know that I haven't

lived

> 35

> > years, had two children and four miscarriages to be controlled

> like a

> > little child. She will no longer be making my call waiting go

off

> > until I cease my phone calls, etc. We have all let her control

us

> for

> > years because we fear her rages and I don't care anymore. I

said

> that

> > I was done. I told him they aren't coming to my house next week

> and

> > that I'm telling nada that when I call to talk to him about car

> > trouble (the only reason I can call my own father without her

> freaking

> > out) that she has left. They aren't welcome in my little tiny

> rental

> > house if they can't get along and they aren't dragging their

> problems

> > into my life anymore.

> >

> > I feel bad for him. He is so, so scared of her. His response

was,

> > " Well what should I do? " I told him I really didn't care, but I

> > wasn't going to be a part of it anymore that she has control

over 3

> > generations of people from Tennessee to Ohio and I'm not going

to

> let

> > it get to my kids.

> >

> > It was a respectful conversation. I told him I was flattered

that

> > everyone confided in me, but that it wasn't right and I wouldn't

be

> > doing it anymore. Lots of other things were said, but to sum it

> up I

> > stood my ground and said I wasn't participating and that she is

> crazy

> > and it's time to quit pretending. We parted peacefully. Now I

> have

> > to call my mother and not let myself get sucked in by her. I

woke

> up

> > this morning blaming myself for everything. Fortunately I have

a

> very

> > good patient husband that talked some sense into me.

> >

> > This is so exhausting. My kids will wake up soon and I am weary.

> >

> > Can you believe I actually did it?

> >

> > Thank you,

> > le

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Passing my flowers to you (magically regenerated and fresh!)...

STANDING OVATION IS YOURS!!!

Crazy making, this thing called SELF-PRESERVATION... who knew?

You did it... rest gently.

Lynnette

>

> I paid attention to the advice given here and I acted. I called my

> father on his way to work today and told him I could no longer be

part

> of the whole circle of deceit with nada. I told him I value honesty

> and that I am the worst one. I am the receiver of all of the

secrets

> and I'm not doing it anymore. I let him know that I haven't lived

35

> years, had two children and four miscarriages to be controlled like

a

> little child. She will no longer be making my call waiting go off

> until I cease my phone calls, etc. We have all let her control us

for

> years because we fear her rages and I don't care anymore. I said

that

> I was done. I told him they aren't coming to my house next week and

> that I'm telling nada that when I call to talk to him about car

> trouble (the only reason I can call my own father without her

freaking

> out) that she has left. They aren't welcome in my little tiny

rental

> house if they can't get along and they aren't dragging their

problems

> into my life anymore.

>

> I feel bad for him. He is so, so scared of her. His response was,

> " Well what should I do? " I told him I really didn't care, but I

> wasn't going to be a part of it anymore that she has control over 3

> generations of people from Tennessee to Ohio and I'm not going to

let

> it get to my kids.

>

> It was a respectful conversation. I told him I was flattered that

> everyone confided in me, but that it wasn't right and I wouldn't be

> doing it anymore. Lots of other things were said, but to sum it up

I

> stood my ground and said I wasn't participating and that she is

crazy

> and it's time to quit pretending. We parted peacefully. Now I have

> to call my mother and not let myself get sucked in by her. I woke

up

> this morning blaming myself for everything. Fortunately I have a

very

> good patient husband that talked some sense into me.

>

> This is so exhausting. My kids will wake up soon and I am weary.

>

> Can you believe I actually did it?

>

> Thank you,

> le

>

[Guest guest]

I think I need to tape this to my fridge:

" Adults don't overexplain themselves -- they announce their decisions

and that's the end of it. "

W.

> > >

> > > I paid attention to the advice given here and I acted. I called

> my

> > > father on his way to work today and told him I could no longer

> be

> > part

> > > of the whole circle of deceit with nada. I told him I value

> > honesty

> > > and that I am the worst one. I am the receiver of all of the

> > secrets

> > > and I'm not doing it anymore. I let him know that I haven't

> lived

> > 35

> > > years, had two children and four miscarriages to be controlled

> > like a

> > > little child. She will no longer be making my call waiting go

> off

> > > until I cease my phone calls, etc. We have all let her control

> us

> > for

> > > years because we fear her rages and I don't care anymore. I

> said

> > that

> > > I was done. I told him they aren't coming to my house next week

> > and

> > > that I'm telling nada that when I call to talk to him about car

> > > trouble (the only reason I can call my own father without her

> > freaking

> > > out) that she has left. They aren't welcome in my little tiny

> > rental

> > > house if they can't get along and they aren't dragging their

> > problems

> > > into my life anymore.

> > >

> > > I feel bad for him. He is so, so scared of her. His response

> was,

> > > " Well what should I do? " I told him I really didn't care, but I

> > > wasn't going to be a part of it anymore that she has control

> over 3

> > > generations of people from Tennessee to Ohio and I'm not going

> to

> > let

> > > it get to my kids.

> > >

> > > It was a respectful conversation. I told him I was flattered

> that

> > > everyone confided in me, but that it wasn't right and I wouldn't

> be

> > > doing it anymore. Lots of other things were said, but to sum it

> > up I

> > > stood my ground and said I wasn't participating and that she is

> > crazy

> > > and it's time to quit pretending. We parted peacefully. Now I

> > have

> > > to call my mother and not let myself get sucked in by her. I

> woke

> > up

> > > this morning blaming myself for everything. Fortunately I have

> a

> > very

> > > good patient husband that talked some sense into me.

> > >

> > > This is so exhausting. My kids will wake up soon and I am weary.

> > >

> > > Can you believe I actually did it?

> > >

> > > Thank you,

> > > le

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Kudos and hugs to you, le! You are to be congratulated for your courage

and supported in your efforts to separate and individualize from your

destructive

family of origin! You are so brave, and that is so admirable! It is painful,

and a " hard

row to hoe " , but its worth the effort.

You are so lucky to have a supportive husband. I hope that you give him a lot

of good,

good " thank you " s (ahem!) for being such a great guy!

-Annie

>

> I paid attention to the advice given here and I acted. I called my

> father on his way to work today and told him I could no longer be part

> of the whole circle of deceit with nada. I told him I value honesty

> and that I am the worst one. I am the receiver of all of the secrets

> and I'm not doing it anymore. I let him know that I haven't lived 35

> years, had two children and four miscarriages to be controlled like a

> little child. She will no longer be making my call waiting go off

> until I cease my phone calls, etc. We have all let her control us for

> years because we fear her rages and I don't care anymore. I said that

> I was done. I told him they aren't coming to my house next week and

> that I'm telling nada that when I call to talk to him about car

> trouble (the only reason I can call my own father without her freaking

> out) that she has left. They aren't welcome in my little tiny rental

> house if they can't get along and they aren't dragging their problems

> into my life anymore.

>

> I feel bad for him. He is so, so scared of her. His response was,

> " Well what should I do? " I told him I really didn't care, but I

> wasn't going to be a part of it anymore that she has control over 3

> generations of people from Tennessee to Ohio and I'm not going to let

> it get to my kids.

>

> It was a respectful conversation. I told him I was flattered that

> everyone confided in me, but that it wasn't right and I wouldn't be

> doing it anymore. Lots of other things were said, but to sum it up I

> stood my ground and said I wasn't participating and that she is crazy

> and it's time to quit pretending. We parted peacefully. Now I have

> to call my mother and not let myself get sucked in by her. I woke up

> this morning blaming myself for everything. Fortunately I have a very

> good patient husband that talked some sense into me.

>

> This is so exhausting. My kids will wake up soon and I am weary.

>

> Can you believe I actually did it?

>

> Thank you,

> le

>