Re: Venting!--I am NOT a waitress!

September 21, 2008

Now, Trish... you have to admit: you allowed that to happen to you,

now, didn't you? And what happened was exactly what you thought would

happen, as though it had been written as a movie script.

You're kind of stuck in that place where you want desperately to break

away from your bpd parents (well, nada) but you're not yet ready to

risk her anger. You're still a-skeered of Big Bad Nada, and see her

with the eyes of a child.

My advice is to go through a rebellious teenager phase.

Learn to lie.

Use their own weapons/techniques against them: " Did I say that? Gee, I

don't remember! Sorry!

" Forget " to show up when you say you will: " Oh, I thought that was

next week, sorry! "

How about for your birthday, you simply do not tell your nada that you

and your husband/family are going to go away somewhere nice for the

weekend? Nada and dad will show up at your place, and you simply

won't be there!

" Didn't I remember to tell you that? Oh, for pete's sake! I'm so

sorry, mom, how thoughtless of me! "

So what if she thinks you've got premature Alzheimers? Its your

weapon of choice, and you get your own way! I think this technique is

called " passive aggressive " , but I say in war, anything goes!

Your backbone will gradually grow in, I can pretty much guarantee it!

-Annie

>

> Hi, DH and I just reluctantly went to my dad's surprise birthday

> party. We are tired from work, we had to drive a long way and we just

> saw my parents last weekend so . . .but some extended family members

> were going to be there and perhaps I'm just a sucker for going.

>

> When we arrived, nothing was done. The guests were set to show up any

> time and the house was a mess. No thought had gone into planning how

> people would be served food and, in fact, no horizontal surface

> remained cleared of crap where food could be placed! Grrr. . . I

> ended up quickly clearing out space. I know that I can say " no, " but

> I feel so awkward about people arriving into our chaos and looking

> around uncomfortably. And I can't stand to see my dad at his own

> " surprise party " cleaning up, running around etc--which is exactly

> what she had him do.

>

> My nada took a seat on her fat ass when the guests arrived and then

> they all relied on me to serve them drinks, take out the trash etc.

> If anything was needed, nada yelled at me to go get it.

>

> Then she invited herself to come visit us over my birthday weekend.

> I'm pretty pissed. I'm considering being the " bad daughter " and

> uninviting them. I don't feel like spending my birthday waiting on

> people.

>

> Trish

>

September 21, 2008

Yes, Trish, I agree with Annie -- when you showed up and nothing was

done, they were counting on you feeling uncomfortable about it. You

volunteered to make yourself a waitress.

If the planners of the birthday party didn't feel compelled to do

anything, you should have let them suffer the consequences. Let the

guest show up. In fact, you could have said: " Well, we just wanted

to wish a Happy Birthday. We've got a lot to do tomorrow, so we're

going to head out. Then haul ass out the door!

As for your birthday -- if you suffer on that day doing something

you don't want to do, or spend it with someone you don't want to be

with (your nada), then it's up to you to ensure that doesn't happen.

Where's your voice? Why do you squelch it so that you can suffer at

the hands of these people?

Now that you know what they do at family gatherings (i.e. doing

NOTHING and expecting you to do everything), you are forewarned for

next time. Next time, send a card and wish them well -- and don't

you dare show up unless you want to throw the party by yourself.

When you showed up at that " party " , you didn't " have to " do

anything. You CHOSE to. Think about what would have happened if

you just made excuses and left? What would they have done? THEY

would have looked bad in front of the guests, not you. Let them

suffer the consequences of their choices.

And, speaking of choices, you need to " choose " to speak up. To tell

your nada you've made plans for your birthday (with your family or

with girlfriends -- make something up!). She has NO RIGHT to EXPECT

that you are REQUIRED to host her on YOUR birthday! It's YOUR

BIRTHDAY!

Let her get mad -- that's what you're really afraid of. Your fear

keeps you a prisoner of their behavior. Break free. You have

nothing to fear anymore. They can't hurt you. They can think bad

of you -- so what? Let them.

Annie is right: you had a role in what happened to you at that

birthday party. You jumped in to save them. You didn't just

leave. You didn't say " Hey -- I'm not doing this by myself. " Look

at all the ways you walked in to being a victim. Identify where you

refused to stand up for yourself (you can ALWAYS do it politely),

and refuse to let it happen again. They set you up, and you went

along with it.

Resolve not to be a victim again. Resolve to have the birthday you

WANT. Then come back and tell us how you did it!

-Kyla

> >

> > Hi, DH and I just reluctantly went to my dad's surprise birthday

> > party. We are tired from work, we had to drive a long way and

we just

> > saw my parents last weekend so . . .but some extended family

members

> > were going to be there and perhaps I'm just a sucker for going.

> >

> > When we arrived, nothing was done. The guests were set to show

up any

> > time and the house was a mess. No thought had gone into

planning how

> > people would be served food and, in fact, no horizontal surface

> > remained cleared of crap where food could be placed! Grrr. . . I

> > ended up quickly clearing out space. I know that I can

say " no, " but

> > I feel so awkward about people arriving into our chaos and

looking

> > around uncomfortably. And I can't stand to see my dad at his own

> > " surprise party " cleaning up, running around etc--which is

exactly

> > what she had him do.

> >

> > My nada took a seat on her fat ass when the guests arrived and

then

> > they all relied on me to serve them drinks, take out the trash

etc.

> > If anything was needed, nada yelled at me to go get it.

> >

> > Then she invited herself to come visit us over my birthday

weekend.

> > I'm pretty pissed. I'm considering being the " bad daughter " and

> > uninviting them. I don't feel like spending my birthday waiting

on

> > people.

> >

> > Trish

> >

>

September 21, 2008

but guys, there's really no " they " setting this up. this was a

surprise party for her dad, so her mom did (not do) all the planning

for the event. that's pretty bad to say you're planning a party and

then not do anything! and trish lives a few hours away (if i

remember correctly), so while i realize that leaving the situation

was an option, it's not a very economical option (especially with gas

prices). and we all know what would have happened if she didn't

clean up: her mom would somehow blame her for it. ( " oh, well i

thought she was going to be here earlier to help me prepare for the

party, but i had to do everything myself. look. she's leaving. she

doesn't even care about her father's birthday. and after all this

work i put into arranging a party so that everyone could be

together. i try so hard and this is the thanks i get. drama drama

drama. "

what i would have done is that i would have refused to act like a

hostess at someone else's house. if my mom told me to do something,

i probably would have been all, " um...i'm a guest. you invited me

here. this is your house. figure something out. " it's cold, but i

hate being " invited " to parties, then end up frying fish for 45 mins

outside in the TEXAS HEAT with a propane range and a huge pot full of

oil.

trish, if i were you, i would nix the pseudo-invitation your mom

extended to herself. that's unacceptable as well.

bink

> > >

> > > Hi, DH and I just reluctantly went to my dad's surprise birthday

> > > party. We are tired from work, we had to drive a long way and

> we just

> > > saw my parents last weekend so . . .but some extended family

> members

> > > were going to be there and perhaps I'm just a sucker for going.

> > >

> > > When we arrived, nothing was done. The guests were set to show

> up any

> > > time and the house was a mess. No thought had gone into

> planning how

> > > people would be served food and, in fact, no horizontal surface

> > > remained cleared of crap where food could be placed! Grrr. . .

I

> > > ended up quickly clearing out space. I know that I can

> say " no, " but

> > > I feel so awkward about people arriving into our chaos and

> looking

> > > around uncomfortably. And I can't stand to see my dad at his

own

> > > " surprise party " cleaning up, running around etc--which is

> exactly

> > > what she had him do.

> > >

> > > My nada took a seat on her fat ass when the guests arrived and

> then

> > > they all relied on me to serve them drinks, take out the trash

> etc.

> > > If anything was needed, nada yelled at me to go get it.

> > >

> > > Then she invited herself to come visit us over my birthday

> weekend.

> > > I'm pretty pissed. I'm considering being the " bad daughter " and

> > > uninviting them. I don't feel like spending my birthday

waiting

> on

> > > people.

> > >

> > > Trish

> > >

> >

>

September 21, 2008

Well, I have to play devil's advocate here, and say that no matter which

alternative Trish

might have chosen:

1. to stay away from the party altogether (but send a nice card to dad and/or

gift.)

2. to drop in at the party but just long enough to give dad his card/present and

then leave

quickly,

or

3. to attend the party as a guest only and do nothing to help

Her nada would have reacted very badly and there would have been drama, drama,

drama.

Nadas/fadas put us in no-win situations.

In my opinion, the alternative that would have worked best for Trish would have

been to

just send a card/present and not go. But that's just me being a back-seat

driver. Its

another thing entirely to be in the driver's seat and making the choices! Its

hard to get to

the place, emotionally, where you don't care if you make them mad or not!

And, I would not worry too much about what the nada/fada says about you to other

people. If you are a kind, decent, loving, sane person, then other kind,

decent, loving,

sane people will be able to perceive that your nada/fada is just a freakin'

weirdo and will

not take what they say very seriously.

Just be yourself: be kind, decent, loving, thoughtful, and honest, and be true

to yourself,

and the truth will be obvious.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > Hi, DH and I just reluctantly went to my dad's surprise birthday

> > > > party. We are tired from work, we had to drive a long way and

> > we just

> > > > saw my parents last weekend so . . .but some extended family

> > members

> > > > were going to be there and perhaps I'm just a sucker for going.

> > > >

> > > > When we arrived, nothing was done. The guests were set to show

> > up any

> > > > time and the house was a mess. No thought had gone into

> > planning how

> > > > people would be served food and, in fact, no horizontal surface

> > > > remained cleared of crap where food could be placed! Grrr. . .

> I

> > > > ended up quickly clearing out space. I know that I can

> > say " no, " but

> > > > I feel so awkward about people arriving into our chaos and

> > looking

> > > > around uncomfortably. And I can't stand to see my dad at his

> own

> > > > " surprise party " cleaning up, running around etc--which is

> > exactly

> > > > what she had him do.

> > > >

> > > > My nada took a seat on her fat ass when the guests arrived and

> > then

> > > > they all relied on me to serve them drinks, take out the trash

> > etc.

> > > > If anything was needed, nada yelled at me to go get it.

> > > >

> > > > Then she invited herself to come visit us over my birthday

> > weekend.

> > > > I'm pretty pissed. I'm considering being the " bad daughter " and

> > > > uninviting them. I don't feel like spending my birthday

> waiting

> > on

> > > > people.

> > > >

> > > > Trish

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

September 23, 2008

I would let your mother know that you are not having company on your birthday

because you are exhausted from having to run your father's surprise party. If

you are painted black, why should it matter what you do?

tlblack2006 wrote: Hi, DH and I just

reluctantly went to my dad's surprise birthday

party. We are tired from work, we had to drive a long way and we just

saw my parents last weekend so . . .but some extended family members

were going to be there and perhaps I'm just a sucker for going.

When we arrived, nothing was done. The guests were set to show up any

time and the house was a mess. No thought had gone into planning how

people would be served food and, in fact, no horizontal surface

remained cleared of crap where food could be placed! Grrr. . . I

ended up quickly clearing out space. I know that I can say " no, " but

I feel so awkward about people arriving into our chaos and looking

around uncomfortably. And I can't stand to see my dad at his own

" surprise party " cleaning up, running around etc--which is exactly

what she had him do.

My nada took a seat on her fat ass when the guests arrived and then

they all relied on me to serve them drinks, take out the trash etc.

If anything was needed, nada yelled at me to go get it.

Then she invited herself to come visit us over my birthday weekend.

I'm pretty pissed. I'm considering being the " bad daughter " and

uninviting them. I don't feel like spending my birthday waiting on

people.

Trish

September 23, 2008

If you are painted black, why should it matter what you do?

I agree!

I went from painted all-white, to all-black.

The big take-away:

No matter what I do it will be wrong.

All paths are deadends.

So I'm not wasting my time!

Take care of yourself.

Hi, DH and I just