Guest guest Posted September 18, 2008 Report Share Posted September 18, 2008 My parents never pretended to love one another, instead they started on a campaign to destroy one another that spread over my entire life and has only paused slightly as I've reached the 30 year old mark. Their unabashed hatred for each other was a swath of confusion and reckless neglect over my young life. I completely understand where you're coming from. I learned love from 2-3 good friends in school that stayed with me throughout my life. Without them I would have been lost to a world of using, abusing and bad places. Dark, lonely places. It's amazing what a few compassionate, good hearted people can do if you are able to just hang on long enough to see the light of unconditonal love. It's never too late to recognize love. It does happen ... it just takes time. And I put those people through hell ... I didn't know how to trust or be a good friend. I had no idea what a good person even was because of the nastiness that had been busily grooming me to be vengeful and mean. Luckily I rejected them at the core of myself and hung on to the tiny threads of hope that I was able to weave together into a semblance of happiness as time wound on. I promise there are people out there whose hearts will help you learn love. It can and will happen. I am living proof, so I know in my heart it can happen for you. -S Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 18, 2008 Report Share Posted September 18, 2008 That's a great question, mr z, and I'm very interested to hear what the group has to say about it because I'm struggling with that issue myself. That's so amazing, I've had those same dreams that I'm just really letting loose a verbal assault on my nada, telling her off really good! RE learning to love: my parents gave me two role choices in a love/marriage relationship: the scary, mean, dominant partner (nada) and the passive, powerless, non-confrontational partner (dad). I didn't want to be either one, so I chose neither. I am now and always have been single, and dated very, very rarely. I suppose I might even have avoidant personality disorder, as I am a loner and only very recently began making more than one friend at a time. I now have a group of friends and enjoy joining in on fun social activities with them. So, yes: When you are told, over and over, that the beatings and the emotional battering and other punishments happen because nada loves you, and When you are then forced to show love and affection for the person who just beat the crap out of you, and never hint that you actually feel angry, terrified, hurt, and never want them to touch you again, and When the submissive parent who supposedly also loves you turns a blind eye and allows this to happen, over and over, then... how do you un-do *that* kind of conditioning and learn to give and accept love the way its supposed to exist (without physical and emotional battery included)? -Annie > > One of the hardest things for me to face is my ACTUAL feelings towards > my parents. The truth is, I HATE them. That's my true emotion. In my > dreams at night, I scream at them " I hate you! " And that's what I want > to be able to say to my parents in the light of day. > > It's kind of scary. No one in our society is supposed to hate their > parents. But they used me & my sister as their emotional lightning > rods & I hate them for it. They used me to prop up their unhappy > marriage...I hate the for that, too. They made me responsible for > their tormented emotions & their unhappiness. > > I don't want revenge, but I want them to know how much evil they > spread in the name of pretending to be Mr. & Mrs. Perfect. I wish I > could rub their faces in their own mess--then change my name, change > my life and move on. I wish I could erase the past and start > fresh...this time knowing & experiencing what real love is. I'm clueless. > > How do you learn about true love when all you ever knew was false love > & hatred? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 18, 2008 Report Share Posted September 18, 2008 Thanks for your response. Very well put. We were forced to lick the boots of our tormentors. That leaves emotional scars ( & a bad taste in your mouth!). Like you, all throughout my childhood I had one 'trusted' friend at a time. One betrayed me badly. One died at age 11. One I lost when we moved a few miles away & my nada prevented us from seeing each other. It's amazing that I ever married --but I'm married, divorced, & remarried to the same person. Not a simple happy life trajectory...my story reads like a bad drugstore novel! Relationships have been tough for me. I definitely avoid people. A classic loner. I prefer my books and my sketch pad. I enjoy company, but I never initiate a gathering. I know that I have loved, but it was often in an obsessive, over-the-top, needy way. I was looking for a mother, a father, a lover, a teacher...EVERYTHING all rolled into one. I'm attracted to damaged people...there's a huge magnetic pull towards dysfunction. I know I'm getting better, but I don't know where to go with my boiling rage...that hate...I'm NC so the hatred keeps coming out in my dreams. I hope it eventually simmers down. > > > > One of the hardest things for me to face is my ACTUAL feelings towards > > my parents. The truth is, I HATE them. That's my true emotion. In my > > dreams at night, I scream at them " I hate you! " And that's what I want > > to be able to say to my parents in the light of day. > > > > It's kind of scary. No one in our society is supposed to hate their > > parents. But they used me & my sister as their emotional lightning > > rods & I hate them for it. They used me to prop up their unhappy > > marriage...I hate the for that, too. They made me responsible for > > their tormented emotions & their unhappiness. > > > > I don't want revenge, but I want them to know how much evil they > > spread in the name of pretending to be Mr. & Mrs. Perfect. I wish I > > could rub their faces in their own mess--then change my name, change > > my life and move on. I wish I could erase the past and start > > fresh...this time knowing & experiencing what real love is. I'm > clueless. > > > > How do you learn about true love when all you ever knew was false love > > & hatred? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 18, 2008 Report Share Posted September 18, 2008 I found that I couldn't give into my feelings of hate for my father until after he was dead and then I screamed at his grave about all the abuse I wanted to tell him about while he was alive, both from him, nada and bada. No doubt he would have disowned me had I said any of it. It didn't matter that he was dead, it mattered that I could finally tell him about what he had done to me and not be shot down or interrupted. I vascillate between love and hate for my family right now. It depends on what they have done to me lately. But I am getting better at indifference. The more I disentangle from their BS, the better I am and the more confident I am to tell them the truth when they come after me. I am changing and I don't give a F*** what they think about that anymore. They are quickly becoming irrelevant. I have a ways to go, but I have come so far. You can as well. Be strong. Re: Actual feelings=Hate Thanks for your response. Very well put. We were forced to lick the boots of our tormentors. That leaves emotional scars ( & a bad taste in your mouth!). Like you, all throughout my childhood I had one 'trusted' friend at a time. One betrayed me badly. One died at age 11. One I lost when we moved a few miles away & my nada prevented us from seeing each other. It's amazing that I ever married --but I'm married, divorced, & remarried to the same person. Not a simple happy life trajectory.. .my story reads like a bad drugstore novel! Relationships have been tough for me. I definitely avoid people. A classic loner. I prefer my books and my sketch pad. I enjoy company, but I never initiate a gathering. I know that I have loved, but it was often in an obsessive, over-the-top, needy way. I was looking for a mother, a father, a lover, a teacher...EVERYTHIN G all rolled into one. I'm attracted to damaged people....there' s a huge magnetic pull towards dysfunction. I know I'm getting better, but I don't know where to go with my boiling rage...that hate....I'm NC so the hatred keeps coming out in my dreams. I hope it eventually simmers down. > > > > One of the hardest things for me to face is my ACTUAL feelings towards > > my parents. The truth is, I HATE them. That's my true emotion. In my > > dreams at night, I scream at them " I hate you! " And that's what I want > > to be able to say to my parents in the light of day. > > > > It's kind of scary. No one in our society is supposed to hate their > > parents. But they used me & my sister as their emotional lightning > > rods & I hate them for it. They used me to prop up their unhappy > > marriage...I hate the for that, too. They made me responsible for > > their tormented emotions & their unhappiness. > > > > I don't want revenge, but I want them to know how much evil they > > spread in the name of pretending to be Mr. & Mrs. Perfect. I wish I > > could rub their faces in their own mess--then change my name, change > > my life and move on. I wish I could erase the past and start > > fresh...this time knowing & experiencing what real love is. I'm > clueless. > > > > How do you learn about true love when all you ever knew was false love > > & hatred? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 18, 2008 Report Share Posted September 18, 2008 Mr. Z, I know just how you feel. I hate my nada. I am not NC or LC. She is very much involved in my son's and my life. When she is in one of her moods and ready to pick an argument with me, I normally let it all go. It feels so good to yell at her and tell her how I fell about her. I just give it right back to her. When she complains about my behavior or appearance I respond with, " you made me, blame yourself for this mess. " It doesn't change anything because she will never admit fault, but it feels good to let it out. I think you can't help but hate parents who have treated you in such a terrible way as yours have treated you. You were a young, impressionable child. You were abused. And like yourself, I have always been a loner. It has taken me most of my life to develop the skills to make friends. Part of the inversion for me is the fact that I've always had to hide my thoughts and feelings and true self from my nada, so I have done this with the rest of the world as well. I don't think your parents deserve your love. They have made your life very difficult. The best thing is to go NC. Maybe a therapist can help you work through some of the anger. Hang in there. Life is difficult and very unfair. Just know that you are not the only soul on this earth that must deal with hatred of parents. " mr.zarkley " wrote: Thanks for your response. Very well put. We were forced to lick the boots of our tormentors. That leaves emotional scars ( & a bad taste in your mouth!). Like you, all throughout my childhood I had one 'trusted' friend at a time. One betrayed me badly. One died at age 11. One I lost when we moved a few miles away & my nada prevented us from seeing each other. It's amazing that I ever married --but I'm married, divorced, & remarried to the same person. Not a simple happy life trajectory...my story reads like a bad drugstore novel! Relationships have been tough for me. I definitely avoid people. A classic loner. I prefer my books and my sketch pad. I enjoy company, but I never initiate a gathering. I know that I have loved, but it was often in an obsessive, over-the-top, needy way. I was looking for a mother, a father, a lover, a teacher...EVERYTHING all rolled into one. I'm attracted to damaged people...there's a huge magnetic pull towards dysfunction. I know I'm getting better, but I don't know where to go with my boiling rage...that hate...I'm NC so the hatred keeps coming out in my dreams. I hope it eventually simmers down. > > > > One of the hardest things for me to face is my ACTUAL feelings towards > > my parents. The truth is, I HATE them. That's my true emotion. In my > > dreams at night, I scream at them " I hate you! " And that's what I want > > to be able to say to my parents in the light of day. > > > > It's kind of scary. No one in our society is supposed to hate their > > parents. But they used me & my sister as their emotional lightning > > rods & I hate them for it. They used me to prop up their unhappy > > marriage...I hate the for that, too. They made me responsible for > > their tormented emotions & their unhappiness. > > > > I don't want revenge, but I want them to know how much evil they > > spread in the name of pretending to be Mr. & Mrs. Perfect. I wish I > > could rub their faces in their own mess--then change my name, change > > my life and move on. I wish I could erase the past and start > > fresh...this time knowing & experiencing what real love is. I'm > clueless. > > > > How do you learn about true love when all you ever knew was false love > > & hatred? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 19, 2008 Report Share Posted September 19, 2008 Like you, not only did I have to hide my thoughts & feelings, I had to act like a robot, fulfilling the needs of my parents. Last night I remembered a time in my childhood when I started to outgrow & reject dolls. If I could have had my way then, I would have gotten rid of all my dolls (especially the baby dolls!). I would have created a cabinet of natural wonders...rocks, seashells, butterflies. At that exact transitional moment, my fada got it into his head to make me a HUGE featureless dollhouse. I was not allowed to say no. I had to act grateful. I had to pretend that I was happy watching him build it. I had to pretend to play with it when it was finished. I HATED this dollhouse. Just the sight of it filled me with revulsion. I was embarrassed when friends came over and saw it in a prominent place. It was so big that there was no possibility of trying to hide it. I can see now that my needs, desires, opinions didn't matter. But worse than that, I had to play-act the role of the perfect child. I was another doll in the dollhouse that could be placed randomly around the house...told what to do...how to think...how to act. I also see this moment as a symbol of my nada/fada not wanting me to grow up & leave the house. It was an unspoken rule that I had to stay close & take care of them. If they succeeded in holding me back--freezing my development, they would have had a better shot at this. Love fosters growth & development. Evil rigidly tries to hold things in place and keep things in line...squash development & growth. I hate them for that. > > > > > > One of the hardest things for me to face is my ACTUAL feelings towards > > > my parents. The truth is, I HATE them. That's my true emotion. In my > > > dreams at night, I scream at them " I hate you! " And that's what I want > > > to be able to say to my parents in the light of day. > > > > > > It's kind of scary. No one in our society is supposed to hate their > > > parents. But they used me & my sister as their emotional lightning > > > rods & I hate them for it. They used me to prop up their unhappy > > > marriage...I hate the for that, too. They made me responsible for > > > their tormented emotions & their unhappiness. > > > > > > I don't want revenge, but I want them to know how much evil they > > > spread in the name of pretending to be Mr. & Mrs. Perfect. I wish I > > > could rub their faces in their own mess--then change my name, change > > > my life and move on. I wish I could erase the past and start > > > fresh...this time knowing & experiencing what real love is. I'm > > clueless. > > > > > > How do you learn about true love when all you ever knew was false love > > > & hatred? > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 19, 2008 Report Share Posted September 19, 2008 Wow! The dead can't invalidate, lie, or interrupt. They can't run away. They finally have to face you...your words...your truth. I think I'm getting it. I don't have to scream " I hate you! " at my nada/fada, to their faces...but I REALLY like announcing it here. I like being able to write: I hate my parents. That's it. That's how I feel. It feels good to put in in writing. Healing from all this is a strange, strange journey. Thanks for letting me vent. > > > > > > One of the hardest things for me to face is my ACTUAL feelings towards > > > my parents. The truth is, I HATE them. That's my true emotion. In my > > > dreams at night, I scream at them " I hate you! " And that's what I want > > > to be able to say to my parents in the light of day. > > > > > > It's kind of scary. No one in our society is supposed to hate their > > > parents. But they used me & my sister as their emotional lightning > > > rods & I hate them for it. They used me to prop up their unhappy > > > marriage...I hate the for that, too. They made me responsible for > > > their tormented emotions & their unhappiness. > > > > > > I don't want revenge, but I want them to know how much evil they > > > spread in the name of pretending to be Mr. & Mrs. Perfect. I wish I > > > could rub their faces in their own mess--then change my name, change > > > my life and move on. I wish I could erase the past and start > > > fresh...this time knowing & experiencing what real love is. I'm > > clueless. > > > > > > How do you learn about true love when all you ever knew was false love > > > & hatred? > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 19, 2008 Report Share Posted September 19, 2008 Wow. I had an almost identical experience. I hated dolls. Mom kept buying me Barbies, though. Once I got so frustrated that I cut the Barbies' hair off, popped off their heads and threw them down the stairs. Of course, I got in big trouble for that. Not much longer after that I asked for a handheld basketball game for Christmas. I got...a dollhouse. My brother got the exact game I had asked for. When I expressed my disappointment I was told that I should be grateful, and how ashamed they were of me. > > > > > > > > One of the hardest things for me to face is my ACTUAL feelings > towards > > > > my parents. The truth is, I HATE them. That's my true emotion. In my > > > > dreams at night, I scream at them " I hate you! " And that's what > I want > > > > to be able to say to my parents in the light of day. > > > > > > > > It's kind of scary. No one in our society is supposed to hate their > > > > parents. But they used me & my sister as their emotional lightning > > > > rods & I hate them for it. They used me to prop up their unhappy > > > > marriage...I hate the for that, too. They made me responsible for > > > > their tormented emotions & their unhappiness. > > > > > > > > I don't want revenge, but I want them to know how much evil they > > > > spread in the name of pretending to be Mr. & Mrs. Perfect. I wish I > > > > could rub their faces in their own mess--then change my name, change > > > > my life and move on. I wish I could erase the past and start > > > > fresh...this time knowing & experiencing what real love is. I'm > > > clueless. > > > > > > > > How do you learn about true love when all you ever knew was > false love > > > > & hatred? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 19, 2008 Report Share Posted September 19, 2008 Wow, what a place to hear your heart sing, I am now about one month from nc with the nada. I call her by her first name and I have sent to Hospice, and any one concerned that I want no contact. I do not even want to know when they die. Also I am very clear that it's time for my life, completely. Just awaiting my expulsion from Grad school as they do not understand the delimas of a BPD family. I will appeal, but once again another turmoil. I have wanted my education for years and I am not going to hold back anymore for anyone. I am going to have my own life. No contact is a great place, if you need drama, turn on the t.v. just for a secound loud, there you go BPD. No problem, cures me! I am enjoying art classes, riding my new horse, our newly built home, yeah, freedom to cut my roses, fix dinner on time, took a long time to get here. Feels good. Re: Actual feelings=Hate Wow! The dead can't invalidate, lie, or interrupt. They can't run away. They finally have to face you...your words...your truth. I think I'm getting it. I don't have to scream " I hate you! " at my nada/fada, to their faces...but I REALLY like announcing it here. I like being able to write: I hate my parents. That's it. That's how I feel. It feels good to put in in writing. Healing from all this is a strange, strange journey. Thanks for letting me vent. > > > > > > One of the hardest things for me to face is my ACTUAL feelings towards > > > my parents. The truth is, I HATE them. That's my true emotion. In my > > > dreams at night, I scream at them " I hate you! " And that's what I want > > > to be able to say to my parents in the light of day. > > > > > > It's kind of scary. No one in our society is supposed to hate their > > > parents. But they used me & my sister as their emotional lightning > > > rods & I hate them for it. They used me to prop up their unhappy > > > marriage...I hate the for that, too. They made me responsible for > > > their tormented emotions & their unhappiness. > > > > > > I don't want revenge, but I want them to know how much evil they > > > spread in the name of pretending to be Mr. & Mrs. Perfect. I wish I > > > could rub their faces in their own mess--then change my name, change > > > my life and move on. I wish I could erase the past and start > > > fresh...this time knowing & experiencing what real love is. I'm > > clueless. > > > > > > How do you learn about true love when all you ever knew was false love > > > & hatred? > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 20, 2008 Report Share Posted September 20, 2008 yeeouch. what the hell is wrong with these people? giving the game you wanted to your brother? WTF?! > > > > > > > > > > One of the hardest things for me to face is my ACTUAL > feelings > > towards > > > > > my parents. The truth is, I HATE them. That's my true > emotion. In my > > > > > dreams at night, I scream at them " I hate you! " And that's > what > > I want > > > > > to be able to say to my parents in the light of day. > > > > > > > > > > It's kind of scary. No one in our society is supposed to > hate their > > > > > parents. But they used me & my sister as their emotional > lightning > > > > > rods & I hate them for it. They used me to prop up their > unhappy > > > > > marriage...I hate the for that, too. They made me > responsible for > > > > > their tormented emotions & their unhappiness. > > > > > > > > > > I don't want revenge, but I want them to know how much evil > they > > > > > spread in the name of pretending to be Mr. & Mrs. Perfect. I > wish I > > > > > could rub their faces in their own mess--then change my > name, change > > > > > my life and move on. I wish I could erase the past and start > > > > > fresh...this time knowing & experiencing what real love is. > I'm > > > > clueless. > > > > > > > > > > How do you learn about true love when all you ever knew was > > false love > > > > > & hatred? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 21, 2008 Report Share Posted September 21, 2008 > > One of the hardest things for me to face is my ACTUAL feelings towards > my parents. The truth is, I HATE them. That's my true emotion. In my > dreams at night, I scream at them " I hate you! " And that's what I want > to be able to say to my parents in the light of day. > > It's kind of scary. No one in our society is supposed to hate their > parents. But they used me & my sister as their emotional lightning > rods & I hate them for it. They used me to prop up their unhappy > marriage...I hate the for that, too. They made me responsible for > their tormented emotions & their unhappiness. > > I don't want revenge, but I want them to know how much evil they > spread in the name of pretending to be Mr. & Mrs. Perfect. I wish I > could rub their faces in their own mess--then change my name, change > my life and move on. I wish I could erase the past and start > fresh...this time knowing & experiencing what real love is. I'm clueless. > > How do you learn about true love when all you ever knew was false love > & hatred? > Mr. Zarkley- Facing our feelings is one of the hardest things for us KOs to do, isn't it? We were never allowed to feel our own feelings or speak our true thoughts, we were forced to live a lie and put on a good show. Anger is a natural feeling because we know that we had a forced role in perpetuating that " Mr. & Mrs. Perfect image. " We resent it...who wouldn't? You have a number of options for venting...not the least of which is posting here. If you really want your parents to know how you feel, you can choose to put your thoughts into writing and send them a letter/e-mail...my guess is trying to confront them in person would be difficult...hard to get in a word edgewise and still leave some things unsaid. Right before this past Christmas my Nada had a temper tantrum and I was told in an e-mail that I " ruined " the holidays and that I " behaved shamefully. " You might wonder what I had done...I invited my parents to a Christmas Eve brunch. Truly you can see what a horrible daughter I am...I didn't invite them for Christmas day DINNER...they were slighted because it wasn't Christmas day dinner. My husband only had a 1/2 day off on Christmas Eve and then Christmas day off and he was back to work on the 26th. We weren't planning to have anyone else over on Christmas day. We wanted a relaxing day with no company and if the kids wanted to spend the day in their PJs, fine with me. But clearly, this was a " shameful " way to behave toward my parents...they deserved the full Christmas meal. Mind you, along with the e-mail they sent me saying what a horrible daughter I was, they gave me an ultimatum...stop seeing your Uncle or " we no longer have a daughter. " I could explain more about that whole dynamic, but my story has been told here before and isn't any different than any other BPD ultimatum...just slightly different characters. This time...however...I changed my reaction. I still did not yet realize I was dealing with a BPD but it was obvious to me my mother was mentally ill (I remember saying, " Either she has some mental illness or she is possibly the most horrible excuse for a human being that I have ever met.)...I came to the BPD realization within about a week. But even before that, I made the decision that I wasn't going to take their crap any more. I responded to their e- mail ultimatum with exactly how they had hurt me and why they were not welcome at my home. (If you are interested, you can search this sight for JJFan I think it should pop up as I have posted my response to them previously.) I saved the e-mail for a day. I wasn't going to send it. I thought, " They won't get it anyway. " But then I was just too tired of not speaking my mind and hit the send button. It was a little bit scary, but very liberating. It was now out there. They knew they couldn't attempt to roll in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) to force me to cave in to their desires. Our dynamic completely changed...I took the NC and ran. Any time they attempted to contact me after that I simply asked if they had decided to " un " -disown me. I would forward the e-mail they sent to me back to them and ask what changed? They have yet to acknowlege that what they wrote was inappropriate...I have received many excuses...it was the heat of the moment, we don't remember because we're old (one of my favorites!)...all ridiculous. Consequently, the only time I have seen them since last year in December was in July when my brother was visiting. The visit was kept to polite conversation. It was actually not hard to speak with them...hadn't seen them 6 months...plenty had happened in my life since then. It gave the appearance of a substantive conversation but in reality was anything but that. I found that as the time passed, my anger had dwindled. These two people who had made me so angry, now made me feel nothing. I didn't even feel guilty in the slightest. It was hard to come to the realization that I would never have a relationship with my parents. It's not the societal norm...but then they aren't either. The reality is that I never had a relationship with them. I was always very guarded about what I would share because even when I didn't know what I was dealing with, I knew the limitations of what I could share without having more problems. From the outside, everyone thought my relationship with my mother was fine. But I always knew differently. There is a quote by Bach that I particularly like: " You are always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past. " For us KOs, I think that quote means facing the truth. We aren't changing the past, but we are acknowledging it's truth and we can move forward by working to not let it define who we are. I don't want to view myself as someone who has survived a BPD parent...I don't want to give in to that victimhood status...it gives them more power than they deserve. My goal is just to be healthier each day. To be thankful for the positive skills I learned and let go of the negative baggage and remember that it's a process...not an event. I can have " normal " relationships. It might be harder for me to make the " right " choices in friends, but I'm won't be a door mat anymore. Things are not always going to be perfect...but then we all know the illusion of perfect anyway. What I appreciate is that I am in a relationship where I can speak my truest feelings and not have them sumarily dismissed...I have a voice...my thoughts and feelings matter just as yours do...no matter how they may sound when you first put them into words or say it out loud. Take care- JJFan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 21, 2008 Report Share Posted September 21, 2008 Very, very well put. I couldn't have said it better myself. And I had to LOL at your parents' wacky bpd-isms: the " not remembering " a letter that they wrote!? And calling you " horrible " because you invited them to *brunch*, for pete's sake!?! That is just too priceless! I remember that epiphany moment with my nada, when it finally struck me that, " Holy cow, my mother is mentally ill! " It truly is like a light-bulb appearing over your head, or having a blindfold removed from your eyes! Its so very healing and empowering to finally realize that its *nada* (or *fada*) who is the crazy one, not you! -Annie > Facing our feelings is one of the hardest things for us KOs to do, > isn't it? We were never allowed to feel our own feelings or speak > our true thoughts, we were forced to live a lie and put on a good > show. Anger is a natural feeling because we know that we had a > forced role in perpetuating that " Mr. & Mrs. Perfect image. " We > resent it...who wouldn't? > > You have a number of options for venting...not the least of which is > posting here. If you really want your parents to know how you feel, > you can choose to put your thoughts into writing and send them a > letter/e-mail...my guess is trying to confront them in person would > be difficult...hard to get in a word edgewise and still leave some > things unsaid. > > Right before this past Christmas my Nada had a temper tantrum and I > was told in an e-mail that I " ruined " the holidays and that > I " behaved shamefully. " You might wonder what I had done...I invited > my parents to a Christmas Eve brunch. Truly you can see what a > horrible daughter I am...I didn't invite them for Christmas day > DINNER...they were slighted because it wasn't Christmas day dinner. > My husband only had a 1/2 day off on Christmas Eve and then Christmas > day off and he was back to work on the 26th. We weren't planning to > have anyone else over on Christmas day. We wanted a relaxing day > with no company and if the kids wanted to spend the day in their PJs, > fine with me. But clearly, this was a " shameful " way to behave > toward my parents...they deserved the full Christmas meal. Mind you, > along with the e-mail they sent me saying what a horrible daughter I > was, they gave me an ultimatum...stop seeing your Uncle or " we no > longer have a daughter. " I could explain more about that whole > dynamic, but my story has been told here before and isn't any > different than any other BPD ultimatum...just slightly different > characters. This time...however...I changed my reaction. I still > did not yet realize I was dealing with a BPD but it was obvious to me > my mother was mentally ill (I remember saying, " Either she has some > mental illness or she is possibly the most horrible excuse for a > human being that I have ever met.)...I came to the BPD realization > within about a week. But even before that, I made the decision that > I wasn't going to take their crap any more. I responded to their e- > mail ultimatum with exactly how they had hurt me and why they were > not welcome at my home. (If you are interested, you can search this > sight for JJFan I think it should pop up as I have posted my response > to them previously.) > > I saved the e-mail for a day. I wasn't going to send it. I > thought, " They won't get it anyway. " But then I was just too tired > of not speaking my mind and hit the send button. It was a little bit > scary, but very liberating. It was now out there. They knew they > couldn't attempt to roll in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) to > force me to cave in to their desires. Our dynamic completely > changed...I took the NC and ran. Any time they attempted to contact > me after that I simply asked if they had decided to " un " -disown me. > I would forward the e-mail they sent to me back to them and ask what > changed? They have yet to acknowlege that what they wrote was > inappropriate...I have received many excuses...it was the heat of the > moment, we don't remember because we're old (one of my > favorites!)...all ridiculous. Consequently, the only time I have > seen them since last year in December was in July when my brother was > visiting. The visit was kept to polite conversation. It was > actually not hard to speak with them...hadn't seen them 6 > months...plenty had happened in my life since then. It gave the > appearance of a substantive conversation but in reality was anything > but that. I found that as the time passed, my anger had dwindled. > These two people who had made me so angry, now made me feel nothing. > I didn't even feel guilty in the slightest. > > It was hard to come to the realization that I would never have a > relationship with my parents. It's not the societal norm...but then > they aren't either. The reality is that I never had a relationship > with them. I was always very guarded about what I would share > because even when I didn't know what I was dealing with, I knew the > limitations of what I could share without having more problems. From > the outside, everyone thought my relationship with my mother was > fine. But I always knew differently. > > There is a quote by Bach that I particularly like: " You are > always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a > different past. " > For us KOs, I think that quote means facing the truth. We aren't > changing the past, but we are acknowledging it's truth and we can > move forward by working to not let it define who we are. I don't > want to view myself as someone who has survived a BPD parent...I > don't want to give in to that victimhood status...it gives them more > power than they deserve. My goal is just to be healthier each day. > To be thankful for the positive skills I learned and let go of the > negative baggage and remember that it's a process...not an event. I > can have " normal " relationships. It might be harder for me to make > the " right " choices in friends, but I'm won't be a door mat anymore. > > Things are not always going to be perfect...but then we all know the > illusion of perfect anyway. What I appreciate is that I am in a > relationship where I can speak my truest feelings and not have them > sumarily dismissed...I have a voice...my thoughts and feelings matter > just as yours do...no matter how they may sound when you first put > them into words or say it out loud. > > Take care- > JJFan > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 21, 2008 Report Share Posted September 21, 2008 jjfan, I had written early a post to your response to Mr. Zarkley...and somehow it would not post. I thought your response was wonderful. Not easy stuff...but you are taking a stand against all the crap thrown at you. You do have a right to your own decisions, feelings and of course life. My nada pulls this kind of stuff....and it makes me so angry. You are taking your feelings and not stuffing them- but dealing with them...good for you! Thanks for sharing, Malinda In WTOAdultChildren1 , " jjfan42 " wrote: > > > > > > One of the hardest things for me to face is my ACTUAL feelings > towards > > my parents. The truth is, I HATE them. That's my true emotion. In my > > dreams at night, I scream at them " I hate you! " And that's what I > want > > to be able to say to my parents in the light of day. > > > > It's kind of scary. No one in our society is supposed to hate their > > parents. But they used me & my sister as their emotional lightning > > rods & I hate them for it. They used me to prop up their unhappy > > marriage...I hate the for that, too. They made me responsible for > > their tormented emotions & their unhappiness. > > > > I don't want revenge, but I want them to know how much evil they > > spread in the name of pretending to be Mr. & Mrs. Perfect. I wish I > > could rub their faces in their own mess--then change my name, change > > my life and move on. I wish I could erase the past and start > > fresh...this time knowing & experiencing what real love is. I'm > clueless. > > > > How do you learn about true love when all you ever knew was false > love > > & hatred? > > > > Mr. Zarkley- > > Facing our feelings is one of the hardest things for us KOs to do, > isn't it? We were never allowed to feel our own feelings or speak > our true thoughts, we were forced to live a lie and put on a good > show. Anger is a natural feeling because we know that we had a > forced role in perpetuating that " Mr. & Mrs. Perfect image. " We > resent it...who wouldn't? > > You have a number of options for venting...not the least of which is > posting here. If you really want your parents to know how you feel, > you can choose to put your thoughts into writing and send them a > letter/e-mail...my guess is trying to confront them in person would > be difficult...hard to get in a word edgewise and still leave some > things unsaid. > > Right before this past Christmas my Nada had a temper tantrum and I > was told in an e-mail that I " ruined " the holidays and that > I " behaved shamefully. " You might wonder what I had done...I invited > my parents to a Christmas Eve brunch. Truly you can see what a > horrible daughter I am...I didn't invite them for Christmas day > DINNER...they were slighted because it wasn't Christmas day dinner. > My husband only had a 1/2 day off on Christmas Eve and then Christmas > day off and he was back to work on the 26th. We weren't planning to > have anyone else over on Christmas day. We wanted a relaxing day > with no company and if the kids wanted to spend the day in their PJs, > fine with me. But clearly, this was a " shameful " way to behave > toward my parents...they deserved the full Christmas meal. Mind you, > along with the e-mail they sent me saying what a horrible daughter I > was, they gave me an ultimatum...stop seeing your Uncle or " we no > longer have a daughter. " I could explain more about that whole > dynamic, but my story has been told here before and isn't any > different than any other BPD ultimatum...just slightly different > characters. This time...however...I changed my reaction. I still > did not yet realize I was dealing with a BPD but it was obvious to me > my mother was mentally ill (I remember saying, " Either she has some > mental illness or she is possibly the most horrible excuse for a > human being that I have ever met.)...I came to the BPD realization > within about a week. But even before that, I made the decision that > I wasn't going to take their crap any more. I responded to their e- > mail ultimatum with exactly how they had hurt me and why they were > not welcome at my home. (If you are interested, you can search this > sight for JJFan I think it should pop up as I have posted my response > to them previously.) > > I saved the e-mail for a day. I wasn't going to send it. I > thought, " They won't get it anyway. " But then I was just too tired > of not speaking my mind and hit the send button. It was a little bit > scary, but very liberating. It was now out there. They knew they > couldn't attempt to roll in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) to > force me to cave in to their desires. Our dynamic completely > changed...I took the NC and ran. Any time they attempted to contact > me after that I simply asked if they had decided to " un " -disown me. > I would forward the e-mail they sent to me back to them and ask what > changed? They have yet to acknowlege that what they wrote was > inappropriate...I have received many excuses...it was the heat of the > moment, we don't remember because we're old (one of my > favorites!)...all ridiculous. Consequently, the only time I have > seen them since last year in December was in July when my brother was > visiting. The visit was kept to polite conversation. It was > actually not hard to speak with them...hadn't seen them 6 > months...plenty had happened in my life since then. It gave the > appearance of a substantive conversation but in reality was anything > but that. I found that as the time passed, my anger had dwindled. > These two people who had made me so angry, now made me feel nothing. > I didn't even feel guilty in the slightest. > > It was hard to come to the realization that I would never have a > relationship with my parents. It's not the societal norm...but then > they aren't either. The reality is that I never had a relationship > with them. I was always very guarded about what I would share > because even when I didn't know what I was dealing with, I knew the > limitations of what I could share without having more problems. From > the outside, everyone thought my relationship with my mother was > fine. But I always knew differently. > > There is a quote by Bach that I particularly like: " You are > always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a > different past. " > For us KOs, I think that quote means facing the truth. We aren't > changing the past, but we are acknowledging it's truth and we can > move forward by working to not let it define who we are. I don't > want to view myself as someone who has survived a BPD parent...I > don't want to give in to that victimhood status...it gives them more > power than they deserve. My goal is just to be healthier each day. > To be thankful for the positive skills I learned and let go of the > negative baggage and remember that it's a process...not an event. I > can have " normal " relationships. It might be harder for me to make > the " right " choices in friends, but I'm won't be a door mat anymore. > > Things are not always going to be perfect...but then we all know the > illusion of perfect anyway. What I appreciate is that I am in a > relationship where I can speak my truest feelings and not have them > sumarily dismissed...I have a voice...my thoughts and feelings matter > just as yours do...no matter how they may sound when you first put > them into words or say it out loud. > > Take care- > JJFan > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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