Re: To All those with BPD Fathers

[Guest guest]

I am so, so sorry to hear the amount of damage that your BPD husband has done to

your

children. That is just heartbreaking. The first thing I would do is to

encourage or even

enable your kids to get out of your home and away from their abusive father

immediately

if not sooner. Encourage them to move far away and to cut contact with their

father; he

must be pretty awesomely toxic to have all three of your kids in such dire

emotional

straits.

In my opinion, what BPDs do to their children is the moral equivalent of rape.

They strip

their children's egos bare, and violate their children's sense of self-worth

until they

become dysfunctional, crippled, dependent children for life.

If that's not evil, I don't know what is.

If I were you, I would go into mother-bear mode. I would sit my kids down and

tell them

that their father is mentally ill, and we are not going to listen to him when he

says cruel,

degrading things to us because he is sick and he is incredibly wrong!

In other words, make sure your kids KNOW that their father is mentally ill, that

YOU KNOW

that their father is mentally ill, and that that they are good, decent, smart,

and adorable

people who do not deserve any abuse of any kind. Tell them to " turn off the

volume " when

their father starts in on them, that they do not need to listen to someone who

is

technically insane because what the insane say makes no sense, and that

together you are

going to work out a plan with each one regarding what to do when their father

starts

emotionally abusing them. If he ever touches any of your kids, I hope you stand

up to him

and have him arrested.

If your kids are older, I'd ask them if they would rather go live in a boarding

school, that

you will find some way to make that happen for them if they want it.

If I were you, I'd put my own issues aside for now and focus on rescuing your

kids.

They do not deserve to be damaged.

They need you to be strong for them.

Many hugs and support thoughts coming to you from me!

-Annie

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I have a situation that I wonder if others are familiar

> > with.

> > > > My

> > > > > > father has many traits of BPD though he has never been

> > diagnosed

> > > > by

> > > > > > anyone (other than me and my brother:)) I was living on my

> > own

> > > > and

> > > > > > moved back into my parents house when I was 24 (was supposed

> > to

> > > > stay

> > > > > > for a year or two). I am 29 now.. I am so conflicted by my

> > living

> > > > > > situation. My mother and father have a BP/non-BP

> > relationship in

> > > > every

> > > > > > sense. I would hate to leave them alone and feel a great

> > sense of

> > > > > > guilt at the thought of leaving. However, my mental health is

> > > > > > suffering beause I continue to stay and watch my mother be

> > > > abused (and

> > > > > > swallow it all to please my father). I directed my mother to

> > > > > > BPDcentral and told her about Stop Walking on Eggshells. But

> > my

> > > > guess

> > > > > > is that everything will stay the same.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > It is also hard for me because I feel as if my emotional

> > state

> > > > has

> > > > > > reverted back to that of a teenager. My father requires a

> > great

> > > > deal

> > > > > > of my mother's attention and she caters to his every whim.

> > He

> > > > says

> > > > > > " jump " and " she says how high?! " He tells her she jumped the

> > > > wrong way

> > > > > > and she tries again. Everything revolves around him.

> > Sometimes

> > > > it is

> > > > > > so hard to get her attention for just a minute. I get the

> > > > impression

> > > > > > that I am a nusance and they just want to be left alone in

> > their

> > > > > > miserable BP/non-BP world. I feel unwanted. My mother and I

> > used

> > > > to

> > > > > > see a movie once every two weeks and don't even do that

> > anymore.

> > > > If he

> > > > > > is coming home she needs to be there when he is there. It's

> > not

> > > > > > pleasant to go out with her at times because she becomes a

> > wreck

> > > > the

> > > > > > closer it gets to the time he will be home.. I know he also

> > > > feels hurt

> > > > > > because I want to spend time with my mother...I don't want

> > to

> > > > spend

> > > > > > time with him...its painful to be around him for just a few

> > > > minutes. I

> > > > > > feel for

> > > > > > > her because she has both of us and my brother all wanting

> > her

> > > > > > attention and I know she feels pulled apart. Then I feel

> > like a

> > > > jerk

> > > > > > for even still needing mommy's attention at my age! Is

> > anyone

> > > > else

> > > > > > going through a similar situation?

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Dawn

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

[Guest guest]

Life histories can help your daughter understand she's not alone in

being a victim of a BPD. I know you mean well, but maybe some

therapy or a support group would do more to undo the damage that has

been done. It's like when you realize you've put a nail in the

wrong spot on a fence -- you can move it to correct it, but the hole

is irreversible.

Your wanting to help your children is admirable, but I think it will

take something more proactive than printouts -- they might help, but

if they haven't had a healthy role model for standing up to BPD,

then they need to gain that skill now as they're learning to love

themselves and stamp out the feelings of worthlessness. They will

encounter other BPDs, in fact, the BPDs seem to have a radar for

finding victims. The pattern repeats itself in life if not undone

in time.

I would strongly recommend some sort of therapy -- or counseling to

help your daughter learn to love herself. She needs to know that

she doesn't have to stand for it, which might not be what has been

modeled for her up to now.

-Kyla

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I have a situation that I wonder if others are

familiar

> > with.

> > > > My

> > > > > > father has many traits of BPD though he has never been

> > diagnosed

> > > > by

> > > > > > anyone (other than me and my brother:)) I was living on

my

> > own

> > > > and

> > > > > > moved back into my parents house when I was 24 (was

supposed

> > to

> > > > stay

> > > > > > for a year or two). I am 29 now.. I am so conflicted by

my

> > living

> > > > > > situation. My mother and father have a BP/non-BP

> > relationship in

> > > > every

> > > > > > sense. I would hate to leave them alone and feel a great

> > sense of

> > > > > > guilt at the thought of leaving. However, my mental

health is

> > > > > > suffering beause I continue to stay and watch my mother

be

> > > > abused (and

> > > > > > swallow it all to please my father). I directed my

mother to

> > > > > > BPDcentral and told her about Stop Walking on Eggshells.

But

> > my

> > > > guess

> > > > > > is that everything will stay the same.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > It is also hard for me because I feel as if my

emotional

> > state

> > > > has

> > > > > > reverted back to that of a teenager. My father requires

a

> > great

> > > > deal

> > > > > > of my mother's attention and she caters to his every

whim.

> > He

> > > > says

> > > > > > " jump " and " she says how high?! " He tells her she jumped

the

> > > > wrong way

> > > > > > and she tries again. Everything revolves around him.

> > Sometimes

> > > > it is

> > > > > > so hard to get her attention for just a minute. I get

the

> > > > impression

> > > > > > that I am a nusance and they just want to be left alone

in

> > their

> > > > > > miserable BP/non-BP world. I feel unwanted. My mother

and I

> > used

> > > > to

> > > > > > see a movie once every two weeks and don't even do that

> > anymore.

> > > > If he

> > > > > > is coming home she needs to be there when he is there.

It's

> > not

> > > > > > pleasant to go out with her at times because she becomes

a

> > wreck

> > > > the

> > > > > > closer it gets to the time he will be home.. I know he

also

> > > > feels hurt

> > > > > > because I want to spend time with my mother...I don't

want

> > to

> > > > spend

> > > > > > time with him...its painful to be around him for just a

few

> > > > minutes. I

> > > > > > feel for

> > > > > > > her because she has both of us and my brother all

wanting

> > her

> > > > > > attention and I know she feels pulled apart. Then I feel

> > like a

> > > > jerk

> > > > > > for even still needing mommy's attention at my age! Is

> > anyone

> > > > else

> > > > > > going through a similar situation?

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Dawn

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

[Guest guest]

I am glad that you are attempting to help your child(ren) realize

that the problem lies with fada and not with them, but it will take

more than just reading posts.

While it might be a good place to start, a professional's help will

really aid her the most in the long run. Honestly, your whole

family could benefit from therapy and you getting the help would

definitely be leading by example.

I have a horrible fada and I am in the process of emotionally

divorcing myself from him, but unfortunately, it is hard when every

other month, I'm getting dragged back to court about him trying to

take my son.

Everybody's sitch on here is similar, but can vary in many ways.

You did come to a great place to start though.

Good for you.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I have a situation that I wonder if others are

familiar

> > with.

> > > > My

> > > > > > father has many traits of BPD though he has never been

> > diagnosed

> > > > by

> > > > > > anyone (other than me and my brother:)) I was living on

my

> > own

> > > > and

> > > > > > moved back into my parents house when I was 24 (was

supposed

> > to

> > > > stay

> > > > > > for a year or two). I am 29 now.. I am so conflicted by

my

> > living

> > > > > > situation. My mother and father have a BP/non-BP

> > relationship in

> > > > every

> > > > > > sense. I would hate to leave them alone and feel a great

> > sense of

> > > > > > guilt at the thought of leaving. However, my mental

health is

> > > > > > suffering beause I continue to stay and watch my mother

be

> > > > abused (and

> > > > > > swallow it all to please my father). I directed my

mother to

> > > > > > BPDcentral and told her about Stop Walking on Eggshells.

But

> > my

> > > > guess

> > > > > > is that everything will stay the same.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > It is also hard for me because I feel as if my

emotional

> > state

> > > > has

> > > > > > reverted back to that of a teenager. My father requires

a

> > great

> > > > deal

> > > > > > of my mother's attention and she caters to his every

whim.

> > He

> > > > says

> > > > > > " jump " and " she says how high?! " He tells her she jumped

the

> > > > wrong way

> > > > > > and she tries again. Everything revolves around him.

> > Sometimes

> > > > it is

> > > > > > so hard to get her attention for just a minute. I get

the

> > > > impression

> > > > > > that I am a nusance and they just want to be left alone

in

> > their

> > > > > > miserable BP/non-BP world. I feel unwanted. My mother

and I

> > used

> > > > to

> > > > > > see a movie once every two weeks and don't even do that

> > anymore.

> > > > If he

> > > > > > is coming home she needs to be there when he is there.

It's

> > not

> > > > > > pleasant to go out with her at times because she becomes

a

> > wreck

> > > > the

> > > > > > closer it gets to the time he will be home.. I know he

also

> > > > feels hurt

> > > > > > because I want to spend time with my mother...I don't

want

> > to

> > > > spend

> > > > > > time with him...its painful to be around him for just a

few

> > > > minutes. I

> > > > > > feel for

> > > > > > > her because she has both of us and my brother all

wanting

> > her

> > > > > > attention and I know she feels pulled apart. Then I feel

> > like a

> > > > jerk

> > > > > > for even still needing mommy's attention at my age! Is

> > anyone

> > > > else

> > > > > > going through a similar situation?

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Dawn

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

[Guest guest]

I think the best " restoration " method for your daughter is for her

to see her mother stand strong against a bullying BPD. You're her

strongest role model. Handing her printouts or books won't replace

what you've modeled for her.

Perhaps you could seek some counseling to see how best to guide her

and yourself through this. She needs the validation that she's

worth standing up for. If not, and indeed if she's forced to endure

the bullying of her father, she'll indeed feel worthless if no one

comes to her aid.

-Kyla

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I have a situation that I wonder if others are

> familiar

> > > with.

> > > > > My

> > > > > > > father has many traits of BPD though he has never been

> > > diagnosed

> > > > > by

> > > > > > > anyone (other than me and my brother:)) I was living

on

> my

> > > own

> > > > > and

> > > > > > > moved back into my parents house when I was 24 (was

> supposed

> > > to

> > > > > stay

> > > > > > > for a year or two). I am 29 now.. I am so conflicted

by

> my

> > > living

> > > > > > > situation. My mother and father have a BP/non-BP

> > > relationship in

> > > > > every

> > > > > > > sense. I would hate to leave them alone and feel a

great

> > > sense of

> > > > > > > guilt at the thought of leaving. However, my mental

> health is

> > > > > > > suffering beause I continue to stay and watch my

mother

> be

> > > > > abused (and

> > > > > > > swallow it all to please my father). I directed my

> mother to

> > > > > > > BPDcentral and told her about Stop Walking on

Eggshells.

> But

> > > my

> > > > > guess

> > > > > > > is that everything will stay the same.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > It is also hard for me because I feel as if my

> emotional

> > > state

> > > > > has

> > > > > > > reverted back to that of a teenager. My father

requires

> a

> > > great

> > > > > deal

> > > > > > > of my mother's attention and she caters to his every

> whim.

> > > He

> > > > > says

> > > > > > > " jump " and " she says how high?! " He tells her she

jumped

> the

> > > > > wrong way

> > > > > > > and she tries again. Everything revolves around him.

> > > Sometimes

> > > > > it is

> > > > > > > so hard to get her attention for just a minute. I get

> the

> > > > > impression

> > > > > > > that I am a nusance and they just want to be left

alone

> in

> > > their

> > > > > > > miserable BP/non-BP world. I feel unwanted. My mother

> and I

> > > used

> > > > > to

> > > > > > > see a movie once every two weeks and don't even do

that

> > > anymore.

> > > > > If he

> > > > > > > is coming home she needs to be there when he is there.

> It's

> > > not

> > > > > > > pleasant to go out with her at times because she

becomes

> a

> > > wreck

> > > > > the

> > > > > > > closer it gets to the time he will be home.. I know he

> also

> > > > > feels hurt

> > > > > > > because I want to spend time with my mother...I don't

> want

> > > to

> > > > > spend

> > > > > > > time with him...its painful to be around him for just

a

> few

> > > > > minutes. I

> > > > > > > feel for

> > > > > > > > her because she has both of us and my brother all

> wanting

> > > her

> > > > > > > attention and I know she feels pulled apart. Then I

feel

> > > like a

> > > > > jerk

> > > > > > > for even still needing mommy's attention at my age! Is

> > > anyone

> > > > > else

> > > > > > > going through a similar situation?

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Dawn

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

[Guest guest]

My 11-year-old son's dad is an undiagnosed bpd/npd, and it is a struggle.  Like

your children, my son has low self-esteem, anxiety, and is starting to have a

negative demeanor.  It's really frustrating and amazing how much damage these

bp/np people do (my son is only with him every other weekend and a couple of

hours mid-week).  Still, the effects are heartbreaking as my son craves his

dad's attention and approval, which is non-existent or inconsistent at best. 

His dad tells him things from before he was born that are twisted, but may

contain a kernel of truth.  We've been divorced for over 7 years, and my son

will come home from visits asking me why I did such and such to his dad.  Mind

you, all these views are distortions and happened over 10 years ago... and

they're random  " recounts " and accusations.  His dad is always the victim,

always right, always the best, the smartest, the most interesting, his happiness

and convenience are all that matters. 

His dad and live-in GF have stalked me for over 5 years (we ended up moving),

and his GF participates in, and exacerbates the crazy-making.  She reinforces

my ex's version of reality to our son, which makes my son doubt his own

reality.  My son has told me that when he tells them he's tired, they tell him

he's not -- that his mom (me) has told him to think he's tired.  ????  This is

just one of many examples.  It's all unreal, and so sad.

Like many on here have suggested

, I do have my son in therapy, but at the appointments my son has a hard time

articulating just what is so distressing.  I am in the room with him to help

explain, but my goal is that he will feel comfortable enough to talk to the

therapist on his own -- to take him out of the middle.  The other thing that

was somewhat helpful for my son was excerpts of a book called " When Parents Have

Problems: A book for teens and older children with an abusive, alcoholdic, or

mentally ill parent " by B. . 

I wish I could find other kids my son's age who have a similar situation.  My

son does feel like he's " the only one " with a " mean dad. "   Even an online forum

like this, but for school-age children would be helpful.  I welcome any advice

from those who've been there. 

Keep posting updates!

FAA

To All those with BPD Fathers

I want to print out all the posts from  those with BPD fathers.  Could you all

ost a message that I a can print out for my daughter.  She has overwhealming

eelings of worthlessness.  Yet she is a wonderful person with beautiful

ualities.  She is kind, gentle, loving, organized, intelligent, and physically

eautiful.  I am just now trying to explain to my children the complications of

aving a BPD Dad.   I would appreciate any tho

ughts you might have that could

elp her see where these feelings are coming from.  She was feeling great for

he year that she moved away but now that she is back the worthless feelings are

ack. My other children struggle with similar feelings. I have my own set of

roblems dealing with a BPD husband so trying to help my children with their

truggles is a challange. I only with I knew back then.

----- Original Message ----

rom: anuria67854

o: WTOAdultChildren1

ent: Monday, September 1, 2008 10:59:05 AM

ubject: Re: MomandDad

OL! Love the " Car to Nowhere " ! How BPD of your mom!

Annie

> > > > >

> > > > > I have a situation that I wonder if others are familiar

with.

> > My

> > > > father has many traits of BPD though he has never been

diagnosed

> > by

> > > > anyone (other than me and my brother:)) I was living on my

own

> > and

> > > > moved back into my parents house when I was 24 (was supposed

to

> > stay

> > > > for a year or two). I am 29 now.. I am so conflicted by my

living

> > > > situation. My mother and father have a BP/non-BP

relationship in

> > every

> > > > sense. I would hate to leave them alone and feel a great

sense of

> > > > guilt at the thought of leaving. However, my mental health is

> > > > suffering beause I continue to stay and watch my mother be

> > abused (and

> > > > swallow it all to please my father). I20directed my mother to

> > > > BPDcentral and told her about Stop Walking on Eggshells. But

my

> > guess

> > > > is that everything will stay the same.

> > > > >

> > > > > It is also hard for me because I feel as if my emotional

state

> > has

> > > > reverted back to that of a teenager. My father requires a

great

> > deal

> > > > of my mother's attention and she caters to his every whim.

He

> > says

> > > > " jump " and " she says how high?! " He tells her she jumped the

> > wrong way

> > > > and she tries again. Everything revolves around him.

Sometimes

> > it is

> > > > so hard to get her attention for just a minute. I get the

> > impression

> > > > that I am a nusance and they just want to be left alone in

their

> > > > miserable BP/non-BP world. I feel unwanted. My mother and I

used

> > to

> > > > see a movie once every two weeks and don't even do that

anymore.

> > If he

> > > > is coming home she needs to be there when he is there. It's

not

> > > > pleasant to go out with her at times because she becomes a

wreck

> > the

> > > > closer it gets to the time he will be home.. I know he also

> > feels hurt

> > > > because I want to spend time with my mother...I don't want

to

> > spend

> > > > time with him...its painful to be aroun

d him for just a few

> > minutes. I

> > > > feel for

> > > > > her because she has both of us and my brother all wanting

her

> > > > attention and I know she feels pulled apart. Then I feel

like a

> > jerk

> > > > for even still needing mommy's attention at my age! Is

anyone

> > else

> > > > going through a similar situation?

> > > > >

> > > > > Dawn

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

[Guest guest]

I commend you for getting away and divorcing your bpd/npd spouse.

With you to support him, he'll eventually see the big picture. Just

give it time, keep supporting him, keep getting him to therapy, keep

going. Time will show the truth. He'll figure out that his mother

got him and herself away from the abuse -- a good lesson in life.

I've seen this situation play out in a friend of mine's situation --

she went through what you're going through and just kept raising

them to be good people, in spite of what her ex-spouse and his new

wife tried to do to them.

Know what? Once they started to reach adulthood, ALL THREE children

realized their mom was the healthy one, their dad was a Class A

JERK, and they have nothing to do with him now. He can't force them

to anymore.

Just be steadfast in his corner, he'll see the truth. It just takes

time and patience.

-Kyla

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I have a situation that I wonder if others are familiar

> with.

> > > My

> > > > > father has many traits of BPD though he has never been

> diagnosed

> > > by

> > > > > anyone (other than me and my brother:)) I was living on

my

> own

> > > and

> > > > > moved back into my parents house when I was 24 (was

supposed

> to

> > > stay

> > > > > for a year or two). I am 29 now.. I am so conflicted by

my

> living

> > > > > situation. My mother and father have a BP/non-BP

> relationship in

> > > every

> > > > > sense. I would hate to leave them alone and feel a great

> sense of

> > > > > guilt at the thought of leaving. However, my mental

health is

> > > > > suffering beause I continue to stay and watch my mother

be

> > > abused (and

> > > > > swallow it all to please my father). I20directed my

mother to

> > > > > BPDcentral and told her about Stop Walking on Eggshells.

But

> my

> > > guess

> > > > > is that everything will stay the same.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > It is also hard for me because I feel as if my

emotional

> state

> > > has

> > > > > reverted back to that of a teenager. My father requires a

> great

> > > deal

> > > > > of my mother's attention and she caters to his every

whim.

> He

> > > says

> > > > > " jump " and " she says how high?! " He tells her she jumped

the

> > > wrong way

> > > > > and she tries again. Everything revolves around him.

> Sometimes

> > > it is

> > > > > so hard to get her attention for just a minute. I get the

> > > impression

> > > > > that I am a nusance and they just want to be left alone

in

> their

> > > > > miserable BP/non-BP world. I feel unwanted. My mother and

I

> used

> > > to

> > > > > see a movie once every two weeks and don't even do that

> anymore.

> > > If he

> > > > > is coming home she needs to be there when he is there.

It's

> not

> > > > > pleasant to go out with her at times because she becomes

a

> wreck

> > > the

> > > > > closer it gets to the time he will be home.. I know he

also

> > > feels hurt

> > > > > because I want to spend time with my mother...I don't

want

> to

> > > spend

> > > > > time with him...its painful to be aroun

> d him for just a few

> > > minutes. I

> > > > > feel for

> > > > > > her because she has both of us and my brother all

wanting

> her

> > > > > attention and I know she feels pulled apart. Then I feel

> like a

> > > jerk

> > > > > for even still needing mommy's attention at my age! Is

> anyone

> > > else

> > > > > going through a similar situation?

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Dawn

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

[Guest guest]

I would hazard a guess that having *no* contact with his abusive, scary, mean

father

would be better than having this toxic exposure twice a month. If the boy's

father is

tearing him down, belittling him, criticizing him, shaming him, frightening him,

domineering him and distorting his reality, hitting him, etc., that is ABUSE and

you have

legal grounds to get the visitations stopped.

It IS possible to raise a normal, healthy male child without his father:

My Sister became pregnant with her son (her only child) while dating a man she

loved very

much, whom she hoped to marry. When Sister told him she was pregnant, he called

her

every vile name you can think of and disavowed that he was the father. Sister

was

shocked, devastated and heartbroken, but she realized she had foolishly picked a

very

angry and potentially dangerous man to fall in love with. She had, in effect,

fallen in love

with the familiar: she had " fallen in love with our mother. "

Sister did not press a paternity suit or go after him for child support. She

didn't want her

child to be around a father who (now) so obviously detested her; she knew that

would be

confusing and devastating to a child.

So she raised him alone, on her own, in a loving, kind, and supportive

atmosphere. My

nephew never did have a steady male role-model, just his grandpa (our dad) from

time to

time, and his grand-uncle, and the occasional teacher, but even without a

regular father

figure my nephew turned out fine.

He is now an adult, and a new husband. He has a sweet and kind disposition,

he's

intelligent, but he can laugh and be silly, he works a part-time job while

finishing college,

plans to become a professional in the medical field, and loves his new bride to

pieces. (So

do we! Sister and I think she is adorable!)

In my family's case, being raised fatherless was better for my nephew than

exposing him

to the putrid, toxic soup of hatred, domination, belittlement, shaming and other

cruelties

that are part of being raised by a BPD/narcissist/sociopath parent. My Sister

kept him

away from our nada also, for the most part. (However, strangely enough, nada

was

always kinder to her grandson when he was little than she ever was to us(!?!)

Go figure!)

Children will tend to mimic their domineering, powerful, abusive parent in

order to gain

their approval, and to lessen the abuse; its called " trauma bonding. " I did

that, for a

while: I was a little clone of my nada. It shames me to remember that, but it

is true, and I

did eventually get past that and individuate.

Along with continuing your son's therapy, I would read that book for young

people who

have toxic parents *with* your boy, and see if there are any tools or methods in

there that

will help him shield himself emotionally when he has to go visit his dad. You

could

practice any ego-defending, abuse-deflecting techniques with him.

Make sure that your boy understands that his father is an unhappy person, and

that

nothing anybody can possibly do will make him happy. Make sure your boy

understands

that it is not his fault that his father is an unhappy person. Make sure your

boy knows

that you know that he is a good, smart, talented, great kid and you are proud of

him. I'd

repeat that until I was blue in the face. Children, being naturally and

normally egocentric,

believe that whatever happens is their fault, that his dad is being mean and

hateful to him

because he deserves it.

Repeat to your boy over and over that it is not his fault that his dad is

unhappy and mean,

and that he (your boy) does not deserve to be treated badly.

I'd say something like, " Even if you were SuperKid, could fly through the air

and catch

rockets with your bare hands, your father would be unhappy and act mean! He

would find

something to be negative about, so, please keep remembering that: It Is Not Your

Fault! "

And if there is any chance of terminating " psycho dad " 's visitation rights, I'd

do it! Even if

it initially makes your boy upset with you, I'd do it. Better that he should be

angry with

you for separating him from his abusive dad than to carry the guilt of making

that

decision himself, as older children are allowed to do in court sometimes. I bet

he will

thank you for it later in life.

-Annie

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I have a situation that I wonder if others are familiar

> with.

> > > My

> > > > > father has many traits of BPD though he has never been

> diagnosed

> > > by

> > > > > anyone (other than me and my brother:)) I was living on my

> own

> > > and

> > > > > moved back into my parents house when I was 24 (was supposed

> to

> > > stay

> > > > > for a year or two). I am 29 now.. I am so conflicted by my

> living

> > > > > situation. My mother and father have a BP/non-BP

> relationship in

> > > every

> > > > > sense. I would hate to leave them alone and feel a great

> sense of

> > > > > guilt at the thought of leaving. However, my mental health is

> > > > > suffering beause I continue to stay and watch my mother be

> > > abused (and

> > > > > swallow it all to please my father). I20directed my mother to

> > > > > BPDcentral and told her about Stop Walking on Eggshells. But

> my

> > > guess

> > > > > is that everything will stay the same.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > It is also hard for me because I feel as if my emotional

> state

> > > has

> > > > > reverted back to that of a teenager. My father requires a

> great

> > > deal

> > > > > of my mother's attention and she caters to his every whim.

> He

> > > says

> > > > > " jump " and " she says how high?! " He tells her she jumped the

> > > wrong way

> > > > > and she tries again. Everything revolves around him.

> Sometimes

> > > it is

> > > > > so hard to get her attention for just a minute. I get the

> > > impression

> > > > > that I am a nusance and they just want to be left alone in

> their

> > > > > miserable BP/non-BP world. I feel unwanted. My mother and I

> used

> > > to

> > > > > see a movie once every two weeks and don't even do that

> anymore.

> > > If he

> > > > > is coming home she needs to be there when he is there. It's

> not

> > > > > pleasant to go out with her at times because she becomes a

> wreck

> > > the

> > > > > closer it gets to the time he will be home.. I know he also

> > > feels hurt

> > > > > because I want to spend time with my mother...I don't want

> to

> > > spend

> > > > > time with him...its painful to be aroun

> d him for just a few

> > > minutes. I

> > > > > feel for

> > > > > > her because she has both of us and my brother all wanting

> her

> > > > > attention and I know she feels pulled apart. Then I feel

> like a

> > > jerk

> > > > > for even still needing mommy's attention at my age! Is

> anyone

> > > else

> > > > > going through a similar situation?

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Dawn

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

[Guest guest]

AMEN!!

If it's possible to wrest custody from the abusive parent -- DO IT!

It will teach them not to sit still for abuse. It will teach them

someone cared enough to try and get them away from the abuser.

Good point, Annie --

-Kyla

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I have a situation that I wonder if others are

familiar

> > with.

> > > > My

> > > > > > father has many traits of BPD though he has never been

> > diagnosed

> > > > by

> > > > > > anyone (other than me and my brother:)) I was living on

my

> > own

> > > > and

> > > > > > moved back into my parents house when I was 24 (was

supposed

> > to

> > > > stay

> > > > > > for a year or two). I am 29 now.. I am so conflicted by

my

> > living

> > > > > > situation. My mother and father have a BP/non-BP

> > relationship in

> > > > every

> > > > > > sense. I would hate to leave them alone and feel a

great

> > sense of

> > > > > > guilt at the thought of leaving. However, my mental

health is

> > > > > > suffering beause I continue to stay and watch my mother

be

> > > > abused (and

> > > > > > swallow it all to please my father). I20directed my

mother to

> > > > > > BPDcentral and told her about Stop Walking on

Eggshells. But

> > my

> > > > guess

> > > > > > is that everything will stay the same.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > It is also hard for me because I feel as if my

emotional

> > state

> > > > has

> > > > > > reverted back to that of a teenager. My father requires

a

> > great

> > > > deal

> > > > > > of my mother's attention and she caters to his every

whim.

> > He

> > > > says

> > > > > > " jump " and " she says how high?! " He tells her she

jumped the

> > > > wrong way

> > > > > > and she tries again. Everything revolves around him.

> > Sometimes

> > > > it is

> > > > > > so hard to get her attention for just a minute. I get

the

> > > > impression

> > > > > > that I am a nusance and they just want to be left alone

in

> > their

> > > > > > miserable BP/non-BP world. I feel unwanted. My mother

and I

> > used

> > > > to

> > > > > > see a movie once every two weeks and don't even do that

> > anymore.

> > > > If he

> > > > > > is coming home she needs to be there when he is there.

It's

> > not

> > > > > > pleasant to go out with her at times because she

becomes a

> > wreck

> > > > the

> > > > > > closer it gets to the time he will be home.. I know he

also

> > > > feels hurt

> > > > > > because I want to spend time with my mother...I don't

want

> > to

> > > > spend

> > > > > > time with him...its painful to be aroun

> > d him for just a few

> > > > minutes. I

> > > > > > feel for

> > > > > > > her because she has both of us and my brother all

wanting

> > her

> > > > > > attention and I know she feels pulled apart. Then I

feel

> > like a

> > > > jerk

> > > > > > for even still needing mommy's attention at my age! Is

> > anyone

> > > > else

> > > > > > going through a similar situation?

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Dawn

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

[Guest guest]

I am just now trying to explain to my children the complications of

having a BPD Dad.   I would appreciate any thoughts you might have

that could help her see where these feelings are coming from.  She

was feeling great for the year that she moved away but now that she

is back the worthless feelings are back.

OH BOY! Where to begin with that one...first, my sympathy to her.

She will always have these worthless feelings to some degree. She

needs to see someone who can help her as a neutral third party. When

you grow up with this crap it's very hard to see that not all

families are this way and that the crazy person in the room isn't

you. A good therapist will help her put this in perspective.

Has she read 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'? If not she should. It's

easier to deal with dear old Dad if you can look at him and

think 'He's sick' instead of thinking 'He's mean' or worse yet 'He's

right about me.' She needs to know that who she is is not the person

he tells her she is when he's acting out.

Find things to be good at that Dad isn't involved in. It's healthy

and builds confidence. Do not expect Dad to encourage or support

this, which is really hard. Remember if he WASN'T SICK he would be so

proud. On some level he can't express he probably is. Do it for you.

Living well is the best revenge.

Keep your distance. I feel sane when I deal with my father remotely

(phone contact only). The few times each year I deal with him face to

face are exhausting and leave me feeling as bad as I did as a

teenager. But when you're adult you have the right to leave. I don't

hesitate to get my purse and walk out the door (with an apology to

mom) if he's acting out. I can't change his behavior but I don't have

to sit there and take it either. There is power in taking control of

a situation but with BPD in the mix there is more power in walking

away from it.

Date men that don't remind you of your father in any way. If you find

a guy who can't fathom what your father's behavior is like or why

anyone would ever act that way, marry him.

Be thankful to him. My father may be a class A (insert expletive

here) at times but it has made me a strong and independent woman--

okay, it took a long time and a lot of work. If this is the worst

thing I ever have to deal with I'm still luckier than 99% of the

people on this earth. He did give you life. How you use this burden

to bring you down or make you stronger is completely up to you. I am

a strong, strong person. Thanks to dear old Dad.