Re: Perfection on the outside--(was Nada and holidays)

[Guest guest]

Gosh I can really relate to the holiday anxiety! My nada also had to

make sure that we all looked just right to go to my aunt's house every

year. Of course, no one in my family ever cared what we looked like

except nada. It didn't matter to nada that she would make sure to

ruin every holiday come hell or high water. I also never learned to

cook, sew, etc. because my nada would rage at any tiny mistake and

couldn't take anyone in HER kitchen. Then she would rage on and on

about how much work it was to cook the meal and how spoiled I was

because I didn't have to lift a finger.

When I was in my 20's my nada got really sick and I had to make

Thanksgiving dinner. It turned out really well and my fada who never

eats a full plate of anything had seconds of this meal. You would

have thought the world came to an end. My nada made sure to point out

that it really wasn't that good and my fada was just eating more to be

nice. She could not handle that I could do something better than her.

My nada didn't want to ever actually want to be thoughtful and get a

gift from her heart. Oh no, we had to fill out lists and she got

exactly was what on the list and nothing else.

I am so happy that this will be my FIRST holiday season going NC with

my nada and fada. It's going to be SO AWESOME to not have to buy

gifts for ungrateful abusive people and to not have to put up with all

of the drama that my nada causes. I can't wait!!!!

> > > >

> > > > Similar to the stress and trauma of going on family vacations, the

> > > older I got the more and

> > > > more I dreaded family holiday events. Nada would begin stressing

> > > out weeks ahead of

> > > > Christmas and Thanksgiving, forcing Sister and me to clean the

> > > house from top to bottom

> > > > and raging at us if we didn't do it right, making us do things

over

> > > and over, etc. Sis and I

> > > > weren't allowed to participate in any food-preparation. Nada

> > > rarely wanted to teach us

> > > > anything, like how to cook, bake or sew. She didn't like

> > > us " crowding " her in the kitchen,

> > > > and she said the sewing machine made her too nervous, she was sure

> > > I'd sew my fingers

> > > > together.

> > > >

> > > > Another way of saying I (we) were too stupid and clumsy to learn

> > > anything.

> > > >

> > > > During the mission to pick out the Christmas tree and bring it

home

> > > and set it up, nada

> > > > was less frenzied; I think dad was a calming and stablizing

> > > influence on nada. But even

> > > > so I remember one Christmas when Sister and I were young teens,

> > > nada became enraged

> > > > when we (including dad) brought down too many ornaments from the

> > > attic, making the

> > > > living room " messy. " (Nada had collected huge sets of ornaments in

> > > different color

> > > > schemes.) Another spoiled holiday memory; it was always

> > > something.

> > > >

> > > > Present giving and getting was also fraught with anxiety. When I

> > > reached the age of about

> > > > 10 or so I'd be ridiculed if I asked for toys or books or anything

> > > other than clothes,

> > > > because nada likes shopping for clothes. Finding a present for

> > > nada was also a minefield

> > > > of anxiety; she was so difficult to please that I eventually gave

> > > up trying to surprise her

> > > > and always just asked her what she wanted and got it for her. No

> > > surprises.

> > > >

> > > > I think that's why now, in late middle-age, I have become so eager

> > > to grab all the fun I

> > > > can; I think I am going through delayed adolescence, perhaps.

> > > Maybe I am trying to catch

> > > > up on the joy and happiness I missed out on as a young person.

> > > >

> > > > -Annie

> > > >

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