Re: Seeing the Family, Guilt

[Guest guest]

, that's a tough one. My brother went NC for a while and, while

I fully understood and supported his NC, I didn't think it made sense

for me to be NC at the time--it's just not how I've chosen to deal

with the situation. AND my nada was very, very good at using her

relationship with me and the rest of my family to try to get herself

into situations where she could be around my brother.

For example--my bro and I lived near each other but not so near nada.

I planned a friends and siblings get together on a Friday night and a

family get together on the weekend for my birthday, BUT my nada

decided to invite herself to our apartment for the weekend and then it

was very awkward telling her " no, " you're not invited to the friends

and siblings get together. She was pissed that I said " no " and then

she told all my relatives and I got a few snide comments from them.

But if I would have caved to her pressure, she would have taken

advantage of the situation to make remarks that would have irked the

crap out of my brother and he would have to choose: act in such a way

that we can all feel comfortable hanging out together but burn and

fume on the inside--OR " correct " her misleading and nasty comments but

make everyone uncomfortable.

I'd say try 2 things. First, take as many opportunities to hang out

with your family members OUTSIDE of big events and forge a personal

connection with them one on one. For example, I've tried to keep in

touch with one uncle and aunt by email based on a similar hobby we

have. I also invite family members to come see me or to go do things

together alone--just us--so that we don't have to worry who is invited

at the time because it's a non-issue.

Second: when you go to a family event with your nada you could decide

what your boundary will be for the event. If it's a major event like

a baby shower there will probably be a lot of people so you can refuse

to deal with her. It may sound snotty but if I need to defend myself

from someone in a large group social setting I will say things like,

" Hello, yes, no and huh " to the person if DIRECTLY addressed by the

person. I will say it making full eye-contact with a little hint of

" don't mess with me " on my face. Then I will abruptly end and leave

the conversation with that person without excuse. It's not even rude.

If someone says something pathetic, self-pittying or whatever, you

can just say, " Huh " as if you were saying, " well that was interesting "

and then say, " excuse me. " and move on to the next conversation.

IF your nada makes the mistake of saying something blatantly rude, or

blatantly abusive then she'll have already probably made the people

around you uncomfortable and you can say something assertive like, " I

don't think it's appropriate to involve everyone in this kind of

bickering. " or " If you think you can say things that aren't true and I

won't correct you because people are around, think again. " And leave

the conversation.

Then she can choose to make a scene or not. But it's not your fault,

you're just existing, going to family functions and refusing to be

abused.

But I feel your pain because it sucks and I hate being in the

situation where you can choose either to be abused by someone OR stick

up for yourself and make everyone else uncomfortable with the nada

fallout. Then again, if they're not comfortable with her behavior,

perhaps they shouldn't invite her to these events!

Trish

>

> Hey all,

>

> I haven't posted in a long time, but I've been keeping up with the

> lists. It helps for me to be reminded that I'm not the only one

> with a crazy nada. I went NC with mine a few years ago, which

> caused quite a rift in the fabric of our family. It was like, my

> refusal to sweep things under the rug forced everyone to acknowledge

> her craziness and deal with it. Nada ended up moving out of my

> parents' home, and apparently my father is actually moving towards

> getting a divorce now. While I have remained in contact with my

> father and sisters, I have been MIA with the extended family for

> about three years. My father didn't want them to know Nada moved

> out, and I refused to play the lying game anymore, so I just stayed

> away. My older sister is now pregnant, and we are both going home in

> a month. More of the family has been told about the separation, so

> I get to see my extended family again. There are so many levels of

> drama, that I'm not sure what to deal with in this post. The older

> sister is the all good child, and she is the only one who has a

> relationship with Nada. Nada will therefore be at the baby shower

> we're having. Because of this, my happy reunion with the family

> will now be not so happy. We're all going to have to fake nice with

> NAda to keep sister happy and avoid a blowout. At least I know that

> the others are in the same boat as me, but I'm angry that It'll be

> another day of BS and fake conversation. I'm not sure I'm going to

> be able to not say what is on my mind. It's not fair that I have no

> relationship with these people, my relatives, because of NAda.

> They're my dad's family, even, not hers. To top it all off, one of

> my aunts is not coming, nor is she bringing her children, because

> she has such a bad history with Nada. Apparently the Aunt is having

> medical problems and she can't stomach even being near Nada. (Nada

> faked ovarian cancer a few years ago, and kept the facade up for

> over a year. Nice, eh?) Anyway, I guess I'm just looking for some

> guidance. I feel like holding my tounge would be going back to

> playing by Nada's rules, and I am so done with that now. I am so

> angry that she's still messing with my relationships, even though I

> went NC three years ago.

>

> ~

>