Guest guest Posted August 23, 2008 Report Share Posted August 23, 2008 With my mum it was not just housecleaning. She was/is weird about clothing. She felt threatened if we wore anything that was either new, or clean as kids. All of our clothing was purchased second hand, and the cheaper the better so it often came from the Salvation Army with serious wear and stains on it to begin with before it was passed down through three sisters. At the time we just thought she was being really economical and that as a family we were hard up for money. Our parents had explained to us that we were poor and couldn't afford to buy anything new or expensive. When the subject of buying new clothes would come up she would go into a rant about how poor quality the clothing was at the stores. That was one of the things that made her uncontrollably angry. When I was in grade one my elementary school made the school uniforms no longer compulsory. But the tunics and blouses were clothes that she had already purchased (second hand)so we kept wearing them until they were outgrown. My oldest sister was five years older, so by the time I was in grade four and five I was the only kid on the playground wearing a uniform and it was in pretty tatty condition. (Happily I was oblivious to this for the most part. -I coveted a pair of bell bottom jeans with an apple patch and an an farthingale but otherwise grew up with no interest in fashion. I only started thinking about checking if my clothes had holes in them in my late teens.) For years after it was turning into an antique my mum used an old wringer washer to do the clothes, and then they had to be dried on a small folding rack inside the house, and then ironed because the wringer had crushed them completely. To this day she won't use a clothes dryer. When we were kids our clothes had to last the week, since it was so much work to get them clean and she could only get a small batch of them done at a time. TMI Alert: Nowadays she wears t-shirt that are so full of holes that eventually her nipples start to poke through them. She won't wear anything that she hasn't worn for years. As for taking baths... I won't go into the details of the war that resulted when she decided I would come over every Saturday and help her take a bath but suffice to say no matter how early I came over the bath would not yet have occurred by Saturday night, and she figured the solution was to have me come over on Sunday, as well. Anyway, she takes about two baths a year. But her house is not too messy or too unclean -we got her a cleaning service that looks after that for her. She likes the company, so that worked. She was and is even worse about food and meals than she was about clothing. She has anorexia and at the same time can't bear to throw anything out uneaten. We got her Meals on Wheels and she would only eat half to a quarter of the dinner they brought and then save the rest for the next day. She was eating the dinners at a third of the speed they brought them. In the end Meals on Wheels had to be cancelled as she was eating food that was three-weeks-old and giving herself repeated food poisoning. I don't think it's schizophrenia in my mum's case, just extreme anxiety. Everybody feels terribly sorry for her and there is one lady at church who regularly tells me wistfully that I should intervene and look after her. " She's such a lovely person... and so intelligent! " I just shake my head. > > I have only been with this group for a week. I have heard posts describing nada's that do not want the kitchen messed up and needing the perfect look for the holidays. Well my NADA is the exact opposite. Our house was always filthy! The refrigerator would contain ketchup, mustard, and dill pickle jars that had expired five years earlier. At one point we had 2 refrigerators. I called them refrigerator one and refrigerator two. My NADA claimed that the first refrigerator was not big enough. The reality of the situation was that she didn't want to clean either one of them. My dad hauled in refrigerator two, and she started using that one until it became full and nasty as well. The floor tile in the house has permanent stains from never getting cleaned. There is a big black stain in the kitchen from where a bag of trash sat there so long that the food that was inside of it, turned to liquid and oozed out all over the floor. > > I swear there is ebola virus growing in the bathroom. It only got cleaned about twice per year. > > The laundry is a never ending problem for my NADA. She has one load in the washer and one in the dryer at all times. The laundry sometimes sets in the washer so long that it actually sours. And there is laundry piled up all over the house. Her closets and drawers are busting. There are baskets of clothes piled up in the hall. There is laundry covering all the beds. Laundry covering the couch so that there is no place to sit. > > There were dirty dishes piled up everywhere. Pennies on every floor. Mold on the walls. Cobwebs. Dead ladybugs in corners and light fixtures. You name it. Needless to say, I was too embarrassed to have friends over after school. > > As kids, when someone came to visit, my mother would take my brother and myself and we would hide in the back of the house until the visitors went away. So she was actually embarrassed of our mess. Once, relatives came from California to visit. As we were hiding in the back of the house, they were outside videotaping the flowers in our yard. > > But yet, let my brother or I ask for a house cat or house dog and she would respond, " No, animals in the house are nasty. " > > Does anyone else have a BPD family member with problems such as these? This must be the schizophrenic piece of the disease. My NADA's inablity to organize her house parallels her inability to organize those odd thoughts and emotions in her brain. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2008 Report Share Posted August 23, 2008 My nada's house is also filthy. The living room carpet is so disgusting that I would rather walk barefoot OUTSIDE than in my parent's house. There is always crap everywhere, there is no where to sit except for the hole that my fada has carved out for himself and to which no one else is allowed to sit. My nada stays holed up in her room most of the time. Her closet and drawers are all stuffed and can't be shut. Even the bed she sleeps in has crap all over it. I have never seen her bed made. There is so much dust in her room that it is in piles over every surface. The bathroom is disgusting!! The shower has mold all over, the sink and toilets are never cleaned unless for some reason someone is coming over. The kitchen is disgusting. No one ever wipes down anything. The only thing that is cleaned is the dishes. When I was growing up it was not as bad as it is now because I (the slave) did all of the cleaning. Now that my sisters and I are grown no one does anything except my fada. He washes the dishes so that they have something to eat on. Before my nada would just buy more dishes rather than clean them. Or we ate on paper plates. I wasn't allowed to have anyone over (and I was too embarrassed to anyways) but somehow the state of her house was MY fault. Even though I did chores growing up you would never know it because neither of my parents cleaned up after themselves or took care of anything. I was raged at for doing everything wrong anyways so there was no incentive to go out of my way. My parents are constantly broke because they just buy new things instead of taking care of what they have. When something breaks or is too nasty they just put it in the backyard. The backyard looks like a junkyard. Now that I am an adult, my house is always clean. I bleach the crap out of stuff because germs bother me. It's probably because I grew up around such filth that I am the way I am now. > > I have only been with this group for a week. I have heard posts describing nada's that do not want the kitchen messed up and needing the perfect look for the holidays. Well my NADA is the exact opposite. Our house was always filthy! The refrigerator would contain ketchup, mustard, and dill pickle jars that had expired five years earlier. At one point we had 2 refrigerators. I called them refrigerator one and refrigerator two. My NADA claimed that the first refrigerator was not big enough. The reality of the situation was that she didn't want to clean either one of them. My dad hauled in refrigerator two, and she started using that one until it became full and nasty as well. The floor tile in the house has permanent stains from never getting cleaned. There is a big black stain in the kitchen from where a bag of trash sat there so long that the food that was inside of it, turned to liquid and oozed out all over the floor. > > I swear there is ebola virus growing in the bathroom. It only got cleaned about twice per year. > > The laundry is a never ending problem for my NADA. She has one load in the washer and one in the dryer at all times. The laundry sometimes sets in the washer so long that it actually sours. And there is laundry piled up all over the house. Her closets and drawers are busting. There are baskets of clothes piled up in the hall. There is laundry covering all the beds. Laundry covering the couch so that there is no place to sit. > > There were dirty dishes piled up everywhere. Pennies on every floor. Mold on the walls. Cobwebs. Dead ladybugs in corners and light fixtures. You name it. Needless to say, I was too embarrassed to have friends over after school. > > As kids, when someone came to visit, my mother would take my brother and myself and we would hide in the back of the house until the visitors went away. So she was actually embarrassed of our mess. Once, relatives came from California to visit. As we were hiding in the back of the house, they were outside videotaping the flowers in our yard. > > But yet, let my brother or I ask for a house cat or house dog and she would respond, " No, animals in the house are nasty. " > > Does anyone else have a BPD family member with problems such as these? This must be the schizophrenic piece of the disease. My NADA's inablity to organize her house parallels her inability to organize those odd thoughts and emotions in her brain. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2008 Report Share Posted August 23, 2008 My Nada is a true pack rat. Her room is the worst in the house, we have to close the door whenever anyone comes over. She was never this way until a few years ago, but this is also when her BPD traits seem to shift into high gear. She doesn't have clothes in her drawers, instead they are filled with mail, papers and gloves and crap (she works at the hospital). Her clothes are stacked in a chair or hung all around the house. that drives me insane. i move them into her room out of the kitchen, living room, bathroom where ever she decides to hang them after she irons them. she has no respect for anyone in the house. There is dust covering every surface in her room. She spents her time off either sitting outside in the shade at the table reading or at the kitchen table chain smoking watching nancy grace and crime show after crime show. HOW DEPRESSING.. or she is piled up in bed. She does occassionally cook, but otherwise, all housework is everyone elses responsibility, She only washes her clothes. > > > > I have only been with this group for a week. I have heard posts > describing nada's that do not want the kitchen messed up and needing > the perfect look for the holidays. Well my NADA is the exact > opposite. Our house was always filthy! The refrigerator would > contain ketchup, mustard, and dill pickle jars that had expired five > years earlier. At one point we had 2 refrigerators. I called them > refrigerator one and refrigerator two. My NADA claimed that the first > refrigerator was not big enough. The reality of the situation was > that she didn't want to clean either one of them. My dad hauled in > refrigerator two, and she started using that one until it became full > and nasty as well. The floor tile in the house has permanent stains > from never getting cleaned. There is a big black stain in the kitchen > from where a bag of trash sat there so long that the food that was > inside of it, turned to liquid and oozed out all over the floor. > > > > I swear there is ebola virus growing in the bathroom. It only got > cleaned about twice per year. > > > > The laundry is a never ending problem for my NADA. She has one > load in the washer and one in the dryer at all times. The laundry > sometimes sets in the washer so long that it actually sours. And > there is laundry piled up all over the house. Her closets and drawers > are busting. There are baskets of clothes piled up in the hall. There > is laundry covering all the beds. Laundry covering the couch so that > there is no place to sit. > > > > There were dirty dishes piled up everywhere. Pennies on every > floor. Mold on the walls. Cobwebs. Dead ladybugs in corners and > light fixtures. You name it. Needless to say, I was too embarrassed > to have friends over after school. > > > > As kids, when someone came to visit, my mother would take my > brother and myself and we would hide in the back of the house until > the visitors went away. So she was actually embarrassed of our mess. > Once, relatives came from California to visit. As we were hiding in > the back of the house, they were outside videotaping the flowers in > our yard. > > > > But yet, let my brother or I ask for a house cat or house dog and > she would respond, " No, animals in the house are nasty. " > > > > Does anyone else have a BPD family member with problems such as > these? This must be the schizophrenic piece of the disease. My > NADA's inablity to organize her house parallels her inability to > organize those odd thoughts and emotions in her brain. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2008 Report Share Posted August 23, 2008 I have a question about how Nada treated those that managed the household for her (did the cleaning, cooking, laundry). My Nada was an absoluet slob herself. My older sisters ( I have 5 of them) did the housework. nada always targeted the eldest girl in the household as her personal target. Ironically, it was the eldest girl that did all the work. have you notuced that, whle they will accept all the benefits of our work, the Nadas seem to turn their abuses on the hardest working member of the family as well? It makes me sad when I think about how she treated my sister . worked her ass off but Nada would abuse her without hesitation regardless. It was like Nada wanted all the work done by someone esle but also couldn't stand to think that anyone was more capable than herslef. So, instead of getting her lazy ass off the couch, she would simply abuse the hell out of the harworking slave. Subject: Re: Dirty house To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Sunday, August 24, 2008, 3:49 AM My Nada is a true pack rat. Her room is the worst in the house, we have to close the door whenever anyone comes over. She was never this way until a few years ago, but this is also when her BPD traits seem to shift into high gear. She doesn't have clothes in her drawers, instead they are filled with mail, papers and gloves and crap (she works at the hospital). Her clothes are stacked in a chair or hung all around the house. that drives me insane. i move them into her room out of the kitchen, living room, bathroom where ever she decides to hang them after she irons them. she has no respect for anyone in the house. There is dust covering every surface in her room. She spents her time off either sitting outside in the shade at the table reading or at the kitchen table chain smoking watching nancy grace and crime show after crime show. HOW DEPRESSING.. or she is piled up in bed. She does occassionally cook, but otherwise, all housework is everyone elses responsibility, She only washes her clothes. > > > > I have only been with this group for a week. I have heard posts > describing nada's that do not want the kitchen messed up and needing > the perfect look for the holidays. Well my NADA is the exact > opposite. Our house was always filthy! The refrigerator would > contain ketchup, mustard, and dill pickle jars that had expired five > years earlier. At one point we had 2 refrigerators. I called them > refrigerator one and refrigerator two. My NADA claimed that the first > refrigerator was not big enough. The reality of the situation was > that she didn't want to clean either one of them. My dad hauled in > refrigerator two, and she started using that one until it became full > and nasty as well. The floor tile in the house has permanent stains > from never getting cleaned. There is a big black stain in the kitchen > from where a bag of trash sat there so long that the food that was > inside of it, turned to liquid and oozed out all over the floor. > > > > I swear there is ebola virus growing in the bathroom. It only got > cleaned about twice per year. > > > > The laundry is a never ending problem for my NADA. She has one > load in the washer and one in the dryer at all times. The laundry > sometimes sets in the washer so long that it actually sours. And > there is laundry piled up all over the house. Her closets and drawers > are busting. There are baskets of clothes piled up in the hall. There > is laundry covering all the beds. Laundry covering the couch so that > there is no place to sit. > > > > There were dirty dishes piled up everywhere. Pennies on every > floor. Mold on the walls. Cobwebs. Dead ladybugs in corners and > light fixtures. You name it. Needless to say, I was too embarrassed > to have friends over after school. > > > > As kids, when someone came to visit, my mother would take my > brother and myself and we would hide in the back of the house until > the visitors went away. So she was actually embarrassed of our mess. > Once, relatives came from California to visit. As we were hiding in > the back of the house, they were outside videotaping the flowers in > our yard. > > > > But yet, let my brother or I ask for a house cat or house dog and > she would respond, " No, animals in the house are nasty. " > > > > Does anyone else have a BPD family member with problems such as > these? This must be the schizophrenic piece of the disease. My > NADA's inablity to organize her house parallels her inability to > organize those odd thoughts and emotions in her brain. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2008 Report Share Posted August 24, 2008 I was the oldest in my house for a bit. Im 12 years older than my sisters. I was treated very badly. Everything I did was wrong and at the same time I was a lazy good for nothing. My little sister A was the next hard working one after I moved out and she was treated just like me. It probably doesn't help that we look almost exactly the same! My youngest sister was never made to do anything. Instead she was treated like she couldn't do anything. According to my nada, the youngest (who by the way looks like our nada and acts like her too) CANT do anything because she has a birthmark on her face. So she was pitied and invalidated at the same time and made to feel like everyone owes her. > > > > > > I have only been with this group for a week. I have heard posts > > describing nada's that do not want the kitchen messed up and needing > > the perfect look for the holidays. Well my NADA is the exact > > opposite. Our house was always filthy! The refrigerator would > > contain ketchup, mustard, and dill pickle jars that had expired five > > years earlier. At one point we had 2 refrigerators. I called them > > refrigerator one and refrigerator two. My NADA claimed that the > first > > refrigerator was not big enough. The reality of the situation was > > that she didn't want to clean either one of them. My dad hauled in > > refrigerator two, and she started using that one until it became > full > > and nasty as well. The floor tile in the house has permanent stains > > from never getting cleaned. There is a big black stain in the > kitchen > > from where a bag of trash sat there so long that the food that was > > inside of it, turned to liquid and oozed out all over the floor. > > > > > > I swear there is ebola virus growing in the bathroom. It only > got > > cleaned about twice per year. > > > > > > The laundry is a never ending problem for my NADA. She has one > > load in the washer and one in the dryer at all times. The laundry > > sometimes sets in the washer so long that it actually sours. And > > there is laundry piled up all over the house. Her closets and > drawers > > are busting. There are baskets of clothes piled up in the hall. > There > > is laundry covering all the beds. Laundry covering the couch so > that > > there is no place to sit. > > > > > > There were dirty dishes piled up everywhere. Pennies on every > > floor. Mold on the walls. Cobwebs. Dead ladybugs in corners and > > light fixtures. You name it. Needless to say, I was too embarrassed > > to have friends over after school. > > > > > > As kids, when someone came to visit, my mother would take my > > brother and myself and we would hide in the back of the house until > > the visitors went away. So she was actually embarrassed of our > mess. > > Once, relatives came from California to visit. As we were hiding > in > > the back of the house, they were outside videotaping the flowers in > > our yard. > > > > > > But yet, let my brother or I ask for a house cat or house dog > and > > she would respond, " No, animals in the house are nasty. " > > > > > > Does anyone else have a BPD family member with problems such as > > these? This must be the schizophrenic piece of the disease. My > > NADA's inablity to organize her house parallels her inability to > > organize those odd thoughts and emotions in her brain. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2008 Report Share Posted August 24, 2008 Wow, that seems pretty extreme to me. Have you thought about having your mother assessed/evaluated by a psychologist/psychiatrist as being too disturbed to take care of herself properly? She might need to be in an assisted living facility, or at least placed under observation for a while. Its the combination of not eating, not dressing, not keeping herself clean, and living in filth (if you didn't have a cleaning service for her.) Its physically dangerous to live in filth and I believe the law considers it severe child abuse and grounds for removing the children. That just happened here recently, I heard in a news report here in CA. Several children were removed from a home that was unbelievably filthy: animal feces and cockroaches everywhere, even rotting dead animals unremoved, decayed garbage overflowing in the kitchen, etc. I think living in filth is a co-morbidity not related to BPD; its more in the line of extreme depression or schizophrenia or other psychosis. In other words, major league big-time INSANE. Please, if any of you know of any children being subjected to this kind of horror, please report it. Little children do not deserve to be abused like that by anybody, even by their own mothers. Its sickening to think of small, helpless kids in the hands of an insane parent or parents, living in filth... its so heart-breaking. Please rescue any you know of. -Annie > > > > I have only been with this group for a week. I have heard posts > describing nada's that do not want the kitchen messed up and needing > the perfect look for the holidays. Well my NADA is the exact > opposite. Our house was always filthy! The refrigerator would > contain ketchup, mustard, and dill pickle jars that had expired five > years earlier. At one point we had 2 refrigerators. I called them > refrigerator one and refrigerator two. My NADA claimed that the > first refrigerator was not big enough. The reality of the situation > was that she didn't want to clean either one of them. My dad hauled > in refrigerator two, and she started using that one until it became > full and nasty as well. The floor tile in the house has permanent > stains from never getting cleaned. There is a big black stain in the > kitchen from where a bag of trash sat there so long that the food > that was inside of it, turned to liquid and oozed out all over the > floor. > > > > I swear there is ebola virus growing in the bathroom. It only > got cleaned about twice per year. > > > > The laundry is a never ending problem for my NADA. She has one > load in the washer and one in the dryer at all times. The laundry > sometimes sets in the washer so long that it actually sours. And > there is laundry piled up all over the house. Her closets and > drawers are busting. There are baskets of clothes piled up in the > hall. There is laundry covering all the beds. Laundry covering the > couch so that there is no place to sit. > > > > There were dirty dishes piled up everywhere. Pennies on every > floor. Mold on the walls. Cobwebs. Dead ladybugs in corners and > light fixtures. You name it. Needless to say, I was too embarrassed > to have friends over after school. > > > > As kids, when someone came to visit, my mother would take my > brother and myself and we would hide in the back of the house until > the visitors went away. So she was actually embarrassed of our > mess. Once, relatives came from California to visit. As we were > hiding in the back of the house, they were outside videotaping the > flowers in our yard. > > > > But yet, let my brother or I ask for a house cat or house dog and > she would respond, " No, animals in the house are nasty. " > > > > Does anyone else have a BPD family member with problems such as > these? This must be the schizophrenic piece of the disease. My > NADA's inablity to organize her house parallels her inability to > organize those odd thoughts and emotions in her brain. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2008 Report Share Posted August 24, 2008 Oh, yes, we've attempted to get her an assessment. The thing is that while there is a steadily increasing deterioration none of this is at all new. She has bpd but also alcoholism and now Wernicke Korsakov Syndrome, which is a type of psychosis. There is not much we can do about getting her into an assisted living facility. Her family doctor is hostile to us because she has frequently told him tearful stories about how we persecute her. About three years ago she decided to buy a car. After all, although she hadn't driven in thirty years she still had a valid driver's license. Since she had major cataracts and some judgement issues we tried to get in touch with him, and for a couple of weeks while she went ahead and bought the car we struggled to chase him down and get an appointment or a chance to talk to him. When my dh finally did get an appointment with him, the doctor told dh flatly that he wouldn't believe anything we said -although he did believe it immediately when he was told about the car and had her license yanked. Soon after that she was hospitalized for suicide threats and while they kept her for about two weeks they didn't figure she needed to be found a permanent place in an institution. She has a history of mental hospitalizations. Her first one was before I was born. Her family doctor finally suggested to her this spring that he felt she might need to go into an assisted living facility because she had not gone out all winter except to a couple of doctor's visits with him and her self care is obviously so much worse than bad that it is a joke. She was quite indignant about this and just to show him, she took a bath and went outside to a drugstore where she bought herself a four wheeled walker and cut back on drinking for a week or so. She planned to take several more walks and to stay on a reduced amount of liquor, but then she " came down with endometrial cancer " and got too depressed to continue with the project. She doesn't have endometrial cancer, but her sister who does have it is expected to pass away within a few months or weeks. This is her way of dealing with what her sister is going through. I get the gossip about her from my two sisters who both faithfully phone her long distance, once a week. They are both LC. Will her family doctor get pushy and actually make a move to have her institutionalized? We don't know. He's not a very good doctor, I'm afraid, but he is the only one in town who is willing to have her as a patient. It's kind of out of our hands, partly because of the fear issue -I do NOT want her getting actively hostile towards me or my family again. I'm not convinced that she couldn't be dangerous. And also I am maintaing an inflexible NC policy. For her part she has had me removed from any documents as next of kin and tells my sisters on a weekly basis how she is going to write me out of her will. My mother is so awful she is a bad joke. Truly, I would be worried about any institution they put her into. If there were vulnerable handicapped seniors with her I would not like it. Probably I am so scared of her that it is out of proportion. It's going to end sometime and I don't know how. But what counts is that I got my kids away from her, and it hasn't split up the family. I have a lot of blessings to be thankful for in this case. D > > Wow, that seems pretty extreme to me. Have you thought about having your mother > assessed/evaluated by a psychologist/psychiatrist as being too disturbed to take care of > herself properly? She might need to be in an assisted living facility, or at least placed > under observation for a while. Its the combination of not eating, not dressing, not keeping > herself clean, and living in filth (if you didn't have a cleaning service for her.) > > Its physically dangerous to live in filth and I believe the law considers it severe child abuse > and grounds for removing the children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2008 Report Share Posted August 24, 2008 Wow.. it is a complicated situation, definitely. If I were facing that kind of scenario, I think I would write a brief letter and address it to my sister(s), and copy it to this really amazingly incompetent family doctor, something like: " In my opinion our mother (legal name and address) who is currently under the care of (name of family doctor) is no longer capable of looking after herself properly and is in need of a psychiatric evaluation to determine the next steps in her care and treatment. As you know I have withdrawn from all contact with and legal responsibility for mother; even so I felt it was necessary to formally bring this critical issue regarding her health to your attention. Please arrange for her to have a formal assesment by a psychiatrist at the earliest possible convenience so that she can receive the care she needs as soon as possible. Sincerely, (your name here) " I would have the letter copied and notarized, and each copy sent individually to each of your sisters and to the family doctor by registered mail so they have to sign for the letter and you will have a receipt to prove that it was signed for. That way you have a written, legal record that you have brought this issue to the attention of the people who ARE responsible for looking after your mother, you have done so in a timely manner and your hands and conscience will be clean that you at least tried to get her evaluated and taken care of, without having any actual contact with her. I hope that helps! -Annie > > > > Wow, that seems pretty extreme to me. Have you thought about > having your mother > > assessed/evaluated by a psychologist/psychiatrist as being too > disturbed to take care of > > herself properly? She might need to be in an assisted living > facility, or at least placed > > under observation for a while. Its the combination of not eating, > not dressing, not keeping > > herself clean, and living in filth (if you didn't have a cleaning > service for her.) > > > > Its physically dangerous to live in filth and I believe the law > considers it severe child abuse > > and grounds for removing the children. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2008 Report Share Posted August 24, 2008 You know, that would be really hard. Not because of getting a problem from my sisters. Thinking about doing what you said I think I could quite likely get a version of the letter signed by both of them so that we could address the letter to her family doctor in consensus. Neither of them are under any illusions about what Mum is like. There is a reason why they both live too far away to do anything more than call her once a week. My problem is the basic psychological one of just being too scared to do it. All those years the whole household spent making sure Mum didn't get upset, letting Mum do whatever she pleased, but never, ever crossing her, makes it hard for me to do something. Or to put it another way, in forty-five years no family member has ever told my Mum she is dirty despite her developing the two baths a year habit. We were all just so submissive to anything she wanted and she was so volatile at the least sign of criticism. I have enquired twice in the last ten or so years of medical/mental health professionals if her behavior was such that she needed to be institutionalized and both times they said no, not yet. But that just means it should be even easier for me to ask about it a third time with her self-care habits worse. The catch is that I am afraid that this time they would do something about it and then she would know or suspect it had originated from me... I think it very likely that her family doctor would let her know about any such letter. It's quite absurd to be afraid of a 72-year-old woman who recently bought herself a four wheel walker so she can get out of the house but my gut reaction to the whole thing is to not do anything because if she did suspect me being the instigator, I picture her reaction being to get a can of gasoline, bring it to my house, douse the front and back porches and light it. And yes, she does have a history of violence. So while my fear is probably out of proportion to her physical capabilities the way I look at it is that my kids's safety comes way before hers does. Right now my biggest concern is the fear that she will go back to obsessing about what a bad daughter I am and that will provoke her into doing something else volatile. My sisters are under strict instructions not to share any of my news with her, in order to get me off her radar as much as possible. It's the same thing with her own sister -when I was visiting my mother's sister and she had to be hospitalized my aunt wouldn't hear of me phoning to let Mum know that she was in hospital because then my Mum would know that I had visited her. In my aunt's case she wasn't thinking about my safety so much as avoiding having to listen to a month of bitter ranting from my mother. The whole family is pretending to her I don't exist while happily continuing to have warm and decent relationships with me. It's not like any of us pretending she's normal. We don't feel like we're walking on egg shells with my Mum; we feel like we're walking on land mines. But it also feels like a black comedy. When I talk to my sisters they'll say, " And you want to hear what Mum is up to now? " and when I hear my reaction will be to exclaim, " Oh my GOD! " and burst out laughing because she keeps topping the latest sick episode with something worse. You'd think she couldn't, but she can. That's the thing. I wouldn't put anything past her and I am just so scared of her that I am quietly hoping she passes away suddenly and soon. I don't wish her any harm, but I won't be safe until she is either in a locked facility or gone. D > > Wow.. it is a complicated situation, definitely. > > If I were facing that kind of scenario, I think I would write a brief letter and address it to > my sister(s), and copy it to this really amazingly incompetent family doctor, something > like: > > " In my opinion our mother (legal name and address) who is currently under the care of > (name of family doctor) is no longer capable of looking after herself properly and is in > need of a psychiatric evaluation to determine the next steps in her care and treatment. > > As you know I have withdrawn from all contact with and legal responsibility for mother; > even so I felt it was necessary to formally bring this critical issue regarding her health to > your attention. Please arrange for her to have a formal assesment by a psychiatrist at the > earliest possible convenience so that she can receive the care she needs as soon as > possible. Sincerely, (your name here) " > > I would have the letter copied and notarized, and each copy sent individually to each of > your sisters and to the family doctor by registered mail so they have to sign for the letter > and you will have a receipt to prove that it was signed for. > > That way you have a written, legal record that you have brought this issue to the attention > of the people who ARE responsible for looking after your mother, you have done so in a > timely manner and your hands and conscience will be clean that you at least tried to get > her evaluated and taken care of, without having any actual contact with her. > > I hope that helps! > > -Annie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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