Always Trying To Read Others Thoughts

August 24, 2008

I have posted more than my share the past few days, acutally, I have

assumed that you guys were thinking, I wish she'd shut up. I was

thinking about this and I was also thinking of how I do this soooo

often in my everyday life. For example, if I post, and don't see a

response fairly quickly, I start thinking, " oh no, I must have said

something really stupid or very wrong, nobody is responding to this.

I was really distracted on the job and I know that this was noticed,

not to mention my swollen, puffy eyes. They probably think I am on

drugs too. ( My NADA has threatened to call and tell my boss I am,

and I let him know. He is the one who told me about BPD, his mother

in law was BP). I have worried all weekend that he was mad at me. I

left in a big hurry to go sign the papers at the bank for my sons car

and just said bye everyone, have a good weekend as i was walking down

the hall. As soon as we got in the car, I told my son, OMG, I think

Tim is mad at me, he didn't say good bye back to me. (he usually does)

but, more than likely he was distracted with work or something.

But, I just worry myself to death, constantly worrying about so and

so being mad at me and trying to gage them by watching reactions or

listening for a certain tone in their voice.

I am so use to walking on eggshells and trying to not do anything

that would put NADA in a bad mood or piss her off, its become a way

of life for me.

Another behavior I really want to change.

August 24, 2008

--- ,

Bink is right....you need to remove yourself from this toxic

situation, and I think we that have lived with a BP parent do become

super vilgant about our lives. The vilgance is something I can still

do, I want to know my environment and emotions of the people in it,

so I can prepare myself, and be ready for what awaits me. This method

of survival is exhausting, you rarely if ever put your guard down.

This is so how we grew up, and being under the same roof with her, is

almost like reliving your childhoods...

As for the posts, I find the responses caring, supportive and

insightful. Sometimes I post and I may get 1-2, sometimes many then

that more, once in a great while no one. Then this is a place that

sometimes I just need to have a voice. It is ok not to have a

response too, that doesn't mean my voice wasn't heard. I think though

we are just super sensitive to all of this because of the abuse he

suffered through.

You are ok and you are feeling so much of what we all have

felt, but it is time to start feeling better. You so deserve so much

more. Your authentic and wonderful self sounds like she is beginning

to slowly say enough....this behavior is not acceptable anymore.

Listen to her...not your mother. We give these hole in their souls

people aka BP people in our lives so much power over us, and when we

begin to heal, I do believe we start taken back that power for

ourselves.

Being here is a wonderful place to start. I know the validation

of my experiences and feelings I got here was life changing for me. I

saw I wasn't the crazy one. All the Bp's projections back on to us,

made me feel crazy, deseparate, and hopeless. They are so difficult.

Until you leave this toxic environment, try making boundaries

for yourself, so you can somehow insulate yourself from her unkind

words and actions to you. Hang in there...

Blessings,

Malinda

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " lisamledford "

wrote:

>

> I have posted more than my share the past few days, acutally, I

have

> assumed that you guys were thinking, I wish she'd shut up. I was

> thinking about this and I was also thinking of how I do this soooo

> often in my everyday life. For example, if I post, and don't see a

> response fairly quickly, I start thinking, " oh no, I must have said

> something really stupid or very wrong, nobody is responding to this.

>

> I was really distracted on the job and I know that this was

noticed,

> not to mention my swollen, puffy eyes. They probably think I am on

> drugs too. ( My NADA has threatened to call and tell my boss I am,

> and I let him know. He is the one who told me about BPD, his

mother

> in law was BP). I have worried all weekend that he was mad at me.

I

> left in a big hurry to go sign the papers at the bank for my sons

car

> and just said bye everyone, have a good weekend as i was walking

down

> the hall. As soon as we got in the car, I told my son, OMG, I

think

> Tim is mad at me, he didn't say good bye back to me. (he usually

does)

> but, more than likely he was distracted with work or something.

>

> But, I just worry myself to death, constantly worrying about so and

> so being mad at me and trying to gage them by watching reactions or

> listening for a certain tone in their voice.

>

> I am so use to walking on eggshells and trying to not do anything

> that would put NADA in a bad mood or piss her off, its become a way

> of life for me.

>

> Another behavior I really want to change.

>

August 24, 2008

Hey , don't worry about posting too much or annoying people. When

someone crosses the line on this board, the moderators let them know

very quickly (ie-being abusive etc.). The nature of being a KO means

that when you first discover what's going on, you want to think about

it a lot and it's not that weird to post a lot. You may not always

get an answer if it doesn't initially resonate with people, but

there's nothing wrong with you.

I do the same thing you do--search for what other people are thinking

and prepare myself for the worst. But I've made significant progress

in that area over the years. That's definitely something you can work

on in therapy--you might want to bring it up as one of your goals in

your first meeting coming up.

>

> I have posted more than my share the past few days, acutally, I have

> assumed that you guys were thinking, I wish she'd shut up. I was

> thinking about this and I was also thinking of how I do this soooo

> often in my everyday life. For example, if I post, and don't see a

> response fairly quickly, I start thinking, " oh no, I must have said

> something really stupid or very wrong, nobody is responding to this.

>

> I was really distracted on the job and I know that this was noticed,

> not to mention my swollen, puffy eyes. They probably think I am on

> drugs too. ( My NADA has threatened to call and tell my boss I am,

> and I let him know. He is the one who told me about BPD, his mother

> in law was BP). I have worried all weekend that he was mad at me. I

> left in a big hurry to go sign the papers at the bank for my sons car

> and just said bye everyone, have a good weekend as i was walking down

> the hall. As soon as we got in the car, I told my son, OMG, I think

> Tim is mad at me, he didn't say good bye back to me. (he usually does)

> but, more than likely he was distracted with work or something.

>

> But, I just worry myself to death, constantly worrying about so and

> so being mad at me and trying to gage them by watching reactions or

> listening for a certain tone in their voice.

>

> I am so use to walking on eggshells and trying to not do anything

> that would put NADA in a bad mood or piss her off, its become a way

> of life for me.

>

> Another behavior I really want to change.

>

August 24, 2008

I used to be that way... until I made the decision to let myself off

the hook. Took awhile. But I did it.

Once I realized that it was a real PITA to know everyone's inner

motives. Once I started looking at ME (oh the guilt for THAT one)

and not really caring why other people did what they did. If it

involved ME, they'd tell me. Wow, what an idea... something I didn't

get as a child.

I've told my closest friends that if they need to tell me something,

please just tell me if I'm not 'getting it'... I'm not being

insensitive, just not letting myself be filled up by the 'what

ifs'... ya know what... they all said, " GREAT! Will do " . Hasn't

changed a thing... just lets me be in the present without wondering

what's coming around the bend. Everyone's happier cause I'm more

relaxed.

Try it. Take a deep breath and picture yourself as a worm (lolol)

untangling yourself from a HUGE fishing hook. Wander away into the

grass and be happy.

Lynnette

>

> I have posted more than my share the past few days, acutally, I

have

> assumed that you guys were thinking, I wish she'd shut up. I was

> thinking about this and I was also thinking of how I do this soooo

> often in my everyday life. For example, if I post, and don't see a

> response fairly quickly, I start thinking, " oh no, I must have said

> something really stupid or very wrong, nobody is responding to this.

>

> I was really distracted on the job and I know that this was

noticed,

> not to mention my swollen, puffy eyes. They probably think I am on

> drugs too. ( My NADA has threatened to call and tell my boss I am,

> and I let him know. He is the one who told me about BPD, his

mother

> in law was BP). I have worried all weekend that he was mad at me.

I

> left in a big hurry to go sign the papers at the bank for my sons

car

> and just said bye everyone, have a good weekend as i was walking

down

> the hall. As soon as we got in the car, I told my son, OMG, I

think

> Tim is mad at me, he didn't say good bye back to me. (he usually

does)

> but, more than likely he was distracted with work or something.

>

> But, I just worry myself to death, constantly worrying about so and

> so being mad at me and trying to gage them by watching reactions or

> listening for a certain tone in their voice.

>

> I am so use to walking on eggshells and trying to not do anything

> that would put NADA in a bad mood or piss her off, its become a way

> of life for me.

>

> Another behavior I really want to change.

>

August 24, 2008

I think we do that beacuse

1) We had to be heyper vigilant beacause the slightest irritation would make

psycho Nada explode and we would be abused.

2) Weeren't raised to beleive that we were people that deserved love or an

identity of their own therefore we always put the opinion of others before our

own.

Subject: Re: Always Trying To Read Others Thoughts

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Sunday, August 24, 2008, 10:31 AM

I used to be that way... until I made the decision to let myself off

the hook. Took awhile. But I did it.

Once I realized that it was a real PITA to know everyone's inner

motives. Once I started looking at ME (oh the guilt for THAT one)

and not really caring why other people did what they did. If it

involved ME, they'd tell me. Wow, what an idea... something I didn't

get as a child.

I've told my closest friends that if they need to tell me something,

please just tell me if I'm not 'getting it'... I'm not being

insensitive, just not letting myself be filled up by the 'what

ifs'... ya know what... they all said, " GREAT! Will do " . Hasn't

changed a thing... just lets me be in the present without wondering

what's coming around the bend. Everyone's happier cause I'm more

relaxed.

Try it. Take a deep breath and picture yourself as a worm (lolol)

untangling yourself from a HUGE fishing hook. Wander away into the

grass and be happy.

Lynnette

>

> I have posted more than my share the past few days, acutally, I

have

> assumed that you guys were thinking, I wish she'd shut up. I was

> thinking about this and I was also thinking of how I do this soooo

> often in my everyday life. For example, if I post, and don't see a

> response fairly quickly, I start thinking, " oh no, I must have said

> something really stupid or very wrong, nobody is responding to this.

>

> I was really distracted on the job and I know that this was

noticed,

> not to mention my swollen, puffy eyes. They probably think I am on

> drugs too. ( My NADA has threatened to call and tell my boss I am,

> and I let him know. He is the one who told me about BPD, his

mother

> in law was BP). I have worried all weekend that he was mad at me.

I

> left in a big hurry to go sign the papers at the bank for my sons

car

> and just said bye everyone, have a good weekend as i was walking

down

> the hall. As soon as we got in the car, I told my son, OMG, I

think

> Tim is mad at me, he didn't say good bye back to me. (he usually

does)

> but, more than likely he was distracted with work or something.

>

> But, I just worry myself to death, constantly worrying about so and

> so being mad at me and trying to gage them by watching reactions or

> listening for a certain tone in their voice.

>

> I am so use to walking on eggshells and trying to not do anything

> that would put NADA in a bad mood or piss her off, its become a way

> of life for me.

>

> Another behavior I really want to change.

>

August 24, 2008

I expect the sadist in everyone and look for it constantly.

Subject: Re: Always Trying To Read Others Thoughts

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Sunday, August 24, 2008, 9:07 AM