Guest guest Posted August 15, 2008 Report Share Posted August 15, 2008 Hi Piper, You are absolutely right in keeping your kids away as much as possible. Have you and your husband considered marriage counselling? Not that there's anything wrong with your marriage, but having a third party acknowledge that your MIL is way out of line and that you are correct in keeping your kids away from her could go a LONG way in helping your husband see the light. > > > Hi everyone, > I need some advice from more experienced people that know better how to deal with a person with BPD. I read " Stop Walking on Eggshells " after staying with my My Mother in Law for two months and witnessing her temper tantrums, enduring verbal abuse and, worst of all, after she hit my one year old, in a rage, for throwing food on the floor. > > I'm pretty sure she is a high functioning BP and appears to meet all of the DSM-IV criteria, according to the book. My husband is also pretty convinced this is her diagnosis, but is also in a co- dependent relationship with her. She believes nothing is wrong with her and thinks it is ridiculous when her children suggest that she see a psychiatrist. She refused to see a Psychiatrist, or psychologist when her husband left her 5 years ago and she is having a great deal of difficulty with the fact that I have kept my small children away from her for the last few months because of her behavior. She is also upset that she is no longer permitted to be alone with our children. My husband and I take it very seriously that she lost control and hit my one year old, but he is more or less going along with me on keeping her away from them in a 1:1 situation. He will have a nice conversation with Dr Jeckyl (my nice mother in law) who will promise that > Mr. Hyde (the out of control, raging mad mother in law) won't come out around the children again. I think my husband wants to believe her and just this morning tried to convince me that she won't " do it again " , but I don't believe that, especially since she won't agree to seek help. My sister in law is also upset with me for " upsetting Mom " . > > I need some help on how to deal with this situation, my husband, sister in law, etc. > > Please help > Piper > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 15, 2008 Report Share Posted August 15, 2008 Suicide is used by bpds as a manipulation technique(especially the poor me, waif type,(have you read Understanding the Borderline Mother?). You're right, a psychiatrist or a call to 911 is in order if the threat seems credible. My nada kept manipulating me with this threat for 35 years. It made me scared, anxious and angry. No normal mother manipulates their children with this threat. She doesn't have your husband's or grandson's best interests in mind, only her own goals and she is trying to achieve these by making your husband cave into the fear and guilt that she is creating with her behaviour. She wants you to argue with your husband, she wants you out of the picture, because you are normal and react normally and don't participate in the sick family dynamic. Hopefully, your husband will realize that he is participating in her game. It's not his fault, he was brought up with it. Good Luck! > > > > > > Hi everyone, > > I need some advice from more experienced people that know better > how to deal with a person with BPD. I read " Stop Walking on > Eggshells " after staying with my My Mother in Law for two months and > witnessing her temper tantrums, enduring verbal abuse and, worst of > all, after she hit my one year old, in a rage, for throwing food on > the floor. > > > > I'm pretty sure she is a high functioning BP and appears to meet > all of the DSM-IV criteria, according to the book. My husband is > also pretty convinced this is her diagnosis, but is also in a co- > dependent relationship with her. She believes nothing is wrong with > her and thinks it is ridiculous when her children suggest that she > see a psychiatrist. She refused to see a Psychiatrist, or > psychologist when her husband left her 5 years ago and she is having > a great deal of difficulty with the fact that I have kept my small > children away from her for the last few months because of her > behavior. She is also upset that she is no longer permitted to be > alone with our children. My husband and I take it very seriously > that she lost control and hit my one year old, but he is more or > less going along with me on keeping her away from them in a 1:1 > situation. He will have a nice conversation with Dr Jeckyl (my nice > mother in law) who will promise that > > Mr. Hyde (the out of control, raging mad mother in law) won't > come out around the children again. I think my husband wants to > believe her and just this morning tried to convince me that she > won't " do it again " , but I don't believe that, especially since > she won't agree to seek help. My sister in law is also upset with > me for " upsetting Mom " . > > > > I need some help on how to deal with this situation, my husband, > sister in law, etc. > > > > Please help > > Piper > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 15, 2008 Report Share Posted August 15, 2008 From both of your posts it sounds to me like you are doing exactly what you need to be doing! And have a very good head on your shoulders. You are absolutely right to protect your children. If she wants to see them bad enough, she will seek help. She can keep it simple or not. Stick to your guns on this, bc if she sees you bend she'll use that in the future and your kids and you deserve better. You sound to me like a 'normie'.....so trust that you know and are doing what is best by you and your family. You are the mom and you, therefore, call the shots! Take Care Of You, JaneSoul Re: Need advice To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Friday, August 15, 2008, 4:41 PM Hi Piper, You are absolutely right in keeping your kids away as much as possible. Have you and your husband considered marriage counselling? Not that there's anything wrong with your marriage, but having a third party acknowledge that your MIL is way out of line and that you are correct in keeping your kids away from her could go a LONG way in helping your husband see the light. > > > Hi everyone, > I need some advice from more experienced people that know better how to deal with a person with BPD. I read " Stop Walking on Eggshells " after staying with my My Mother in Law for two months and witnessing her temper tantrums, enduring verbal abuse and, worst of all, after she hit my one year old, in a rage, for throwing food on the floor. > > I'm pretty sure she is a high functioning BP and appears to meet all of the DSM-IV criteria, according to the book. My husband is also pretty convinced this is her diagnosis, but is also in a co- dependent relationship with her. She believes nothing is wrong with her and thinks it is ridiculous when her children suggest that she see a psychiatrist. She refused to see a Psychiatrist, or psychologist when her husband left her 5 years ago and she is having a great deal of difficulty with the fact that I have kept my small children away from her for the last few months because of her behavior. She is also upset that she is no longer permitted to be alone with our children. My husband and I take it very seriously that she lost control and hit my one year old, but he is more or less going along with me on keeping her away from them in a 1:1 situation. He will have a nice conversation with Dr Jeckyl (my nice mother in law) who will promise that > Mr. Hyde (the out of control, raging mad mother in law) won't come out around the children again. I think my husband wants to believe her and just this morning tried to convince me that she won't " do it again " , but I don't believe that, especially since she won't agree to seek help. My sister in law is also upset with me for " upsetting Mom " . > > I need some help on how to deal with this situation, my husband, sister in law, etc. > > Please help > Piper > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2008 Report Share Posted August 16, 2008 I have not read that book, but am going to order it today! That is exactly what I told him, that she was manipulating him and would never commit suicide. So, the next day he went over to visit (rescue) her and assured her, I'm sure, that she would be in our lives. Today, he is bringing the boys (Grant 3 and 2) over there to visit her without me. This is what we agreed to. He can have a relationship with her without me and he can bring the boys for a brief visit now and then. I don't think she really cares about my kids, but this issue is more about her " getting her way " and making sure she can tell people, that her grandsons came over for the sake of appearances. She has two sisters that don't speak to her and a husband who left her. Of course, her story is that her sisters are jealous of her and her husband was always selfish and lazy. She would NEVER take any responsibility for her broken relationships. And now there's me. I'm sure she's saying ugly things about me as well. I am aware of my husbands loyalty to her and need to tread lightly, because, I'm afraid I won't win this one. I know she wins when we argue about her. I know she would be happy if I were out of the picture, I just wish my husband knew that. How do I make him see it more clearly? Subject: Re: Need advice To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Friday, August 15, 2008, 8:13 PM Suicide is used by bpds as a manipulation technique(especiall y the poor me, waif type,(have you read Understanding the Borderline Mother?). You're right, a psychiatrist or a call to 911 is in order if the threat seems credible. My nada kept manipulating me with this threat for 35 years. It made me scared, anxious and angry. No normal mother manipulates their children with this threat. She doesn't have your husband's or grandson's best interests in mind, only her own goals and she is trying to achieve these by making your husband cave into the fear and guilt that she is creating with her behaviour. She wants you to argue with your husband, she wants you out of the picture, because you are normal and react normally and don't participate in the sick family dynamic. Hopefully, your husband will realize that he is participating in her game. It's not his fault, he was brought up with it. Good Luck! > > > > > > Hi everyone, > > I need some advice from more experienced people that know better > how to deal with a person with BPD. I read " Stop Walking on > Eggshells " after staying with my My Mother in Law for two months and > witnessing her temper tantrums, enduring verbal abuse and, worst of > all, after she hit my one year old, in a rage, for throwing food on > the floor. > > > > I'm pretty sure she is a high functioning BP and appears to meet > all of the DSM-IV criteria, according to the book. My husband is > also pretty convinced this is her diagnosis, but is also in a co- > dependent relationship with her. She believes nothing is wrong with > her and thinks it is ridiculous when her children suggest that she > see a psychiatrist. She refused to see a Psychiatrist, or > psychologist when her husband left her 5 years ago and she is having > a great deal of difficulty with the fact that I have kept my small > children away from her for the last few months because of her > behavior. She is also upset that she is no longer permitted to be > alone with our children. My husband and I take it very seriously > that she lost control and hit my one year old, but he is more or > less going along with me on keeping her away from them in a 1:1 > situation. He will have a nice conversation with Dr Jeckyl (my nice > mother in law) who will promise that > > Mr. Hyde (the out of control, raging mad mother in law) won't > come out around the children again. I think my husband wants to > believe her and just this morning tried to convince me that she > won't " do it again " , but I don't believe that, especially since > she won't agree to seek help. My sister in law is also upset with > me for " upsetting Mom " . > > > > I need some help on how to deal with this situation, my husband, > sister in law, etc. > > > > Please help > > Piper > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2008 Report Share Posted August 16, 2008 Hi Piper, I am totally impressed that you assessed the situation with your mil correctly and did exactly the right thing! It was necessary to set this boundary with your BP mother in law. Your job is to protect your children, and you recognized that your mil is a danger to your children, so you did the right thing. And you have not gone off the deep end and forbidden any contact, either! You very wisely said, OK, mil can see the kids as long as I'm there with them; she can't see them alone! An excellent compromise! Don't let anyone else: your husband, your sil, ANYone, pressure you or use fear, or guilt, or obligation (FOG) to make you change your mind about this. Your mil has everyone in her circle trained to cater to her and let her have her way (exactly like my FOO: family of origin). They are afraid of her, afraid of making her angry. Don't be afraid of her anger; be nice, be polite, but hold your ground. You are in mother-bear mode protecting those kids; you are their hero! Your children are the top issue here, they are who counts. Go Piper!! -Annie > > > Hi everyone, > I need some advice from more experienced people that know better how to deal with a person with BPD. I read " Stop Walking on Eggshells " after staying with my My Mother in Law for two months and witnessing her temper tantrums, enduring verbal abuse and, worst of all, after she hit my one year old, in a rage, for throwing food on the floor. > > I'm pretty sure she is a high functioning BP and appears to meet all of the DSM-IV criteria, according to the book. My husband is also pretty convinced this is her diagnosis, but is also in a co-dependent relationship with her. She believes nothing is wrong with her and thinks it is ridiculous when her children suggest that she see a psychiatrist. She refused to see a Psychiatrist, or psychologist when her husband left her 5 years ago and she is having a great deal of difficulty with the fact that I have kept my small children away from her for the last few months because of her behavior. She is also upset that she is no longer permitted to be alone with our children. My husband and I take it very seriously that she lost control and hit my one year old, but he is more or less going along with me on keeping her away from them in a 1:1 situation. He will have a nice conversation with Dr Jeckyl (my nice mother in law) who will promise that > Mr. Hyde (the out of control, raging mad mother in law) won't come out around the children again. I think my husband wants to believe her and just this morning tried to convince me that she won't " do it again " , but I don't believe that, especially since she won't agree to seek help. My sister in law is also upset with me for " upsetting Mom " . > > I need some help on how to deal with this situation, my husband, sister in law, etc. > > Please help > Piper > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2008 Report Share Posted August 16, 2008 2X4 Re: Need advice To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Friday, August 15, 2008, 8:13 PM Suicide is used by bpds as a manipulation technique(especiall y the poor me, waif type,(have you read Understanding the Borderline Mother?).. You're right, a psychiatrist or a call to 911 is in order if the threat seems credible. My nada kept manipulating me with this threat for 35 years. It made me scared, anxious and angry. No normal mother manipulates their children with this threat. She doesn't have your husband's or grandson's best interests in mind, only her own goals and she is trying to achieve these by making your husband cave into the fear and guilt that she is creating with her behaviour. She wants you to argue with your husband, she wants you out of the picture, because you are normal and react normally and don't participate in the sick family dynamic. Hopefully, your husband will realize that he is participating in her game. It's not his fault, he was brought up with it. Good Luck! > > > > > > Hi everyone, > > I need some advice from more experienced people that know better > how to deal with a person with BPD. I read " Stop Walking on > Eggshells " after staying with my My Mother in Law for two months and > witnessing her temper tantrums, enduring verbal abuse and, worst of > all, after she hit my one year old, in a rage, for throwing food on > the floor. > > > > I'm pretty sure she is a high functioning BP and appears to meet > all of the DSM-IV criteria, according to the book. My husband is > also pretty convinced this is her diagnosis, but is also in a co- > dependent relationship with her. She believes nothing is wrong with > her and thinks it is ridiculous when her children suggest that she > see a psychiatrist. She refused to see a Psychiatrist, or > psychologist when her husband left her 5 years ago and she is having > a great deal of difficulty with the fact that I have kept my small > children away from her for the last few months because of her > behavior. She is also upset that she is no longer permitted to be > alone with our children. My husband and I take it very seriously > that she lost control and hit my one year old, but he is more or > less going along with me on keeping her away from them in a 1:1 > situation. He will have a nice conversation with Dr Jeckyl (my nice > mother in law) who will promise that > > Mr. Hyde (the out of control, raging mad mother in law) won't > come out around the children again. I think my husband wants to > believe her and just this morning tried to convince me that she > won't " do it again " , but I don't believe that, especially since > she won't agree to seek help. My sister in law is also upset with > me for " upsetting Mom " . > > > > I need some help on how to deal with this situation, my husband, > sister in law, etc. > > > > Please help > > Piper > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 3, 2008 Report Share Posted September 3, 2008 > > > > My mother has BPD and lives close to me (being the only sibling living > > in state). I imagine that the story of my childhood would be familiar > > to many people on this board. Her threats of suicide, fits of yelling > > and hitting for imagined transgressions, mood swings, telling me that > > I was no good etc. are all signs of her disease but I didn't know what > > to call it until recently. > > > > I have been visiting her two to three times a week handling problems > > and making sure that she and her fourth husband were OK. Early May, > > she was diagnosed with cancer (fibro sarcoma on the leg)that she had > > hidden from everyone...including her husband...by wearing long pants > > until it finally got as big as a grapefruit and burst. Things went > > from bad to worse immediately. I spent the next three months taking > > her to doctor's appointments, sitting at the hospital, taking care of > > her 85 year old husband, whatever I could do but three months of close > > association with her began to take their toll. Whatever I did, it was > > not enough. Visits to her with clothes, books, food were met with > > with criticism or she pretty much ignored me and read a book or > > watched TV. She had yelling and screaming fits berating me that I was > > not upset enough about her condition and didn't care that " my only > > mother " was dying. Her paranoia got worse and she was convinced that > > the nurses were out to get her and would mistreat her if she asked for > > anything. She had to get into this one nursing home and I made sure > > that she got a bed there. After a week, she hated it, the food was > > " slop " and all their nurses were out to get her, too. She told the the > > doctors that I was keeping her in the nursing home and wouldn't let > > her come home and kept asking me when I was going to allow her to > > leave even though she could not stand on her leg because the graft had > > not healed properly. My explanations that it was not my decision fell > > on deaf ears. She would not sign up for any programs that would help > > her ( and me, since I work) handle her recovery. Meals on wheels was > > " slop " , the state would pay for transportation (she will need daily > > radiation treatments for six weeks) but it was " public transportation " > > and not good enough for her. The final straw was a couple of weeks ago > > when I took another load of stuff over to the nursing home. She > > complained that the thread I had taken her was the wrong color and > > didn't say anything about the other stuff that I had brought. I looked > > at her and said, " You're Welcome " . She gave me a look that would kill > > and said, " You mean I am supposed to thank you? " . I said that it > > would be nice if she could say that occasionally. She got absolutely > > red faced and said, " Thanks for trying to be a good daughter, you have > > not succeeded. " I walked out of the room and haven't been back since. > > My sister is flying in tomorrow to take care of her when she gets out > > of the nursing home. I got a call from her yesterday saying that she > > had received a call from mom and that it had been horrible beyond > > belief. Mom told her that if I was picking her up at the airport, she > > would not let her in the door and then proceeded to yell at her for a > > full hour saying some of the nastiest things that my sister had ever > > heard from her. My sister, to keep the peace, told me not to pick her > > up at the airport. Mom is going to ride in the back seat of my aunt's > > car > > (because my aunt cannot find her way to the airport) with her leg up > > on the seat. I told my sister that mom has got to get some help but I > > am unclear how to proceed. Any advice would be welcome. > > > Mom has continued on her rampage and the lies have started. I am now hearing from relatives that I never visited her in the nursing home, was responsible for her bills being paid late, yelled at her and told her every day how much money she was costing me in lost wages...you name it. The lies are coming fast and furious and there seems to be no end to them. She has begun a smear campaign against me and it all started by my saying, " You're Welcome " . I cannot believe it. I don't know how far she is willing to go with this but truly believe that she is capable of saying just about anything about me to anyone in the hopes of hurting me as much as possible. Where does such anger come from? The thing with the bill being paid later was because her husband sent the check in late. When I got the notice in the mail that they were behind, I called the cable company and explained what was going on. I ended up not only getting the late fee waived, but reducing her monthly cable bill by $23/month forever. Mom does not seem to remember anything about this. The wages thing is troubling because she was the one who started on that one. One day on the way to her doctor, she blurted out that she must " owe me thousands of dollars by now " because I was missing work by taking care of her. I said that I did not understand where she was coming up with those numbers and that everything was fine. I was getting my work done and there were no problems and she did not owe me anything. Now she is telling everyone that I yelled at her every day about how much money she was costing me. I have to stand my ground with this and am a little upset that my sister has chosen the path of placating her instead of pointing out the lies that come out of her mouth even after I told her what really happened. In her defense, I believe that my sister feels that if she spoke up about mom's behavior that no one would believe her. She may have a point since we have seen how mom can switch on and off between her " crazy " and " normal " modes. How do I handle this situation from here? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 3, 2008 Report Share Posted September 3, 2008 Your nada is splitting you and your sister now. Be careful. Your sister now won't defend you because she is the good one. They do this for control and power and for back-up. If everyone was on the same page, then she would be put in a box (not literally lol). However, in families like yours and mine, the adult children are afraid to make her feel cornered. We always allow one sibling to be the good one. They take their turns being the good one but also the scapegoat. Your nada is classic. I'm sure she tells you that she did everything for you. You owe her your life. You are an ungrateful, selfish, stupid daughter who has made stupid choices...well, that's what mine has always said. My sister is the clever, skinny, organized, socially adept golden child. My sister is also the one who kicks her out of the house if she steps out of line. My nada knows that my sis has no tolerance for her behavior, so she behaves...to a point. She's always pushing the boundaries. Right, now, my sister's three kids are the " good ones " that she spends all her time with. My three are the " outcasts " since my eldest daughter (12) tried to set up some boundaries with her. She has put herself into exhile with us. And unfortunately, my sister and I aren't on the same team. She feeds into our jealousy of each other and our quest for her affection and approval. Don't beat yourself up. Anyone with an ounce of sense will know that her vicious gossip is untrue. > >> > >> > My mother has BPD and lives close to me (being the only sibling living >> > in state). I imagine that the story of my childhood would be familiar >> > to many people on this board. Her threats of suicide, fits of yelling >> > and hitting for imagined transgressions, mood swings, telling me that >> > I was no good etc. are all signs of her disease but I didn't know what >> > to call it until recently. >> > >> > I have been visiting her two to three times a week handling problems >> > and making sure that she and her fourth husband were OK. Early May, >> > she was diagnosed with cancer (fibro sarcoma on the leg)that she had >> > hidden from everyone...including her husband...by wearing long pants >> > until it finally got as big as a grapefruit and burst. Things went >> > from bad to worse immediately. I spent the next three months taking >> > her to doctor's appointments, sitting at the hospital, taking care of >> > her 85 year old husband, whatever I could do but three months of close >> > association with her began to take their toll. Whatever I did, it was >> > not enough. Visits to her with clothes, books, food were met with >> > with criticism or she pretty much ignored me and read a book or >> > watched TV. She had yelling and screaming fits berating me that I was >> > not upset enough about her condition and didn't care that " my only >> > mother " was dying. Her paranoia got worse and she was convinced that >> > the nurses were out to get her and would mistreat her if she asked for >> > anything. She had to get into this one nursing home and I made sure >> > that she got a bed there. After a week, she hated it, the food was >> > " slop " and all their nurses were out to get her, too. She told the the >> > doctors that I was keeping her in the nursing home and wouldn't let >> > her come home and kept asking me when I was going to allow her to >> > leave even though she could not stand on her leg because the graft had >> > not healed properly. My explanations that it was not my decision fell >> > on deaf ears. She would not sign up for any programs that would help >> > her ( and me, since I work) handle her recovery. Meals on wheels was >> > " slop " , the state would pay for transportation (she will need daily >> > radiation treatments for six weeks) but it was " public transportation " >> > and not good enough for her. The final straw was a couple of weeks ago >> > when I took another load of stuff over to the nursing home. She >> > complained that the thread I had taken her was the wrong color and >> > didn't say anything about the other stuff that I had brought. I looked >> > at her and said, " You're Welcome " . She gave me a look that would kill >> > and said, " You mean I am supposed to thank you? " . I said that it >> > would be nice if she could say that occasionally. She got absolutely >> > red faced and said, " Thanks for trying to be a good daughter, you have >> > not succeeded. " I walked out of the room and haven't been back since. >> > My sister is flying in tomorrow to take care of her when she gets out >> > of the nursing home. I got a call from her yesterday saying that she >> > had received a call from mom and that it had been horrible beyond >> > belief. Mom told her that if I was picking her up at the airport, she >> > would not let her in the door and then proceeded to yell at her for a >> > full hour saying some of the nastiest things that my sister had ever >> > heard from her. My sister, to keep the peace, told me not to pick her >> > up at the airport. Mom is going to ride in the back seat of my aunt's >> > car >> > (because my aunt cannot find her way to the airport) with her leg up >> > on the seat. I told my sister that mom has got to get some help but I >> > am unclear how to proceed. Any advice would be welcome. >> > >> > > Mom has continued on her rampage and the lies have started. I am now > hearing from relatives that I never visited her in the nursing home, > was responsible for her bills being paid late, yelled at her and told > her every day how much money she was costing me in lost wages...you > name it. The lies are coming fast and furious and there seems to be > no end to them. She has begun a smear campaign against me and it all > started by my saying, " You're Welcome " . I cannot believe it. > I don't know how far she is willing to go with this but truly believe > that she is capable of saying just about anything about me to anyone > in the hopes of hurting me as much as possible. Where does such anger > come from? > > The thing with the bill being paid later was because her husband sent > the check in late. When I got the notice in the mail that they were > behind, I called the cable company and explained what was going on. I > ended up not only getting the late fee waived, but reducing her > monthly cable bill by $23/month forever. Mom does not seem to remember > anything about this. > The wages thing is troubling because she was the one who started on > that one. One day on the way to her doctor, she blurted out that she > must " owe me thousands of dollars by now " because I was missing work > by taking care of her. I said that I did not understand where she was > coming up with those numbers and that everything was fine. I was > getting my work done and there were no problems and she did not owe me > anything. Now she is telling everyone that I yelled at her every day > about how much money she was costing me. > > I have to stand my ground with this and am a little upset that my > sister has chosen the path of placating her instead of pointing out > the lies that come out of her mouth even after I told her what really > happened. In her defense, I believe that my sister feels that if she > spoke up about mom's behavior that no one would believe her. She may > have a point since we have seen how mom can switch on and off between > her " crazy " and " normal " modes. > How do I handle this situation from here? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 3, 2008 Report Share Posted September 3, 2008 You're right that splitting Sister and I is what our nada would *like* to do, but Sister and I are a united front, thank God. My earlier post was not very clearly written re who is who, sorry about that! My nada is the middle girl of three sisters. Nada has always liked her younger sister, and detested her older sister. For our whole lives, my Sister and I have heard nothing but venom from nada about Auntie the Elder: she's so stupid, a moron, lazy, incompetent, etc., etc. Suddenly, now that my Sister and I are standing up to nada and having no contact with nada until she admits having abused us as kids and apologizes for recent horrible insults, nada is being nice to Auntie the Elder for the first time! A lifetime of toxic spew against this sweet woman (I never heard Auntie the Elder ever say one unkind word about anyone, ever) is suddenly and miraculously turned into love? That's what I find both fascinating and incredibly creepy: my nada can turn her emotions and loyalties on and off like a light switch. Again, as though she only mimics emotions without actually feeling them, as though she is not even human, just doing a pretty good job of imitating one. Totally, totally creeps me out. Its *all* an act, even the hatred... nothing that comes out of my nada's mouth is genuine....! Its like waking up and discovering you're in that movie about the " pod people " , the vegetables that grow to resemble specific human beings but are blank and emotionless.... Oh, right: " Invasion of the Body-Snatchers " ! -Annie > >> > > >> > My mother has BPD and lives close to me (being the only sibling living > >> > in state). I imagine that the story of my childhood would be familiar > >> > to many people on this board. Her threats of suicide, fits of yelling > >> > and hitting for imagined transgressions, mood swings, telling me that > >> > I was no good etc. are all signs of her disease but I didn't know what > >> > to call it until recently. > >> > > >> > I have been visiting her two to three times a week handling problems > >> > and making sure that she and her fourth husband were OK. Early May, > >> > she was diagnosed with cancer (fibro sarcoma on the leg)that she had > >> > hidden from everyone...including her husband...by wearing long pants > >> > until it finally got as big as a grapefruit and burst. Things went > >> > from bad to worse immediately. I spent the next three months taking > >> > her to doctor's appointments, sitting at the hospital, taking care of > >> > her 85 year old husband, whatever I could do but three months of close > >> > association with her began to take their toll. Whatever I did, it was > >> > not enough. Visits to her with clothes, books, food were met with > >> > with criticism or she pretty much ignored me and read a book or > >> > watched TV. She had yelling and screaming fits berating me that I was > >> > not upset enough about her condition and didn't care that " my only > >> > mother " was dying. Her paranoia got worse and she was convinced that > >> > the nurses were out to get her and would mistreat her if she asked for > >> > anything. She had to get into this one nursing home and I made sure > >> > that she got a bed there. After a week, she hated it, the food was > >> > " slop " and all their nurses were out to get her, too. She told the the > >> > doctors that I was keeping her in the nursing home and wouldn't let > >> > her come home and kept asking me when I was going to allow her to > >> > leave even though she could not stand on her leg because the graft had > >> > not healed properly. My explanations that it was not my decision fell > >> > on deaf ears. She would not sign up for any programs that would help > >> > her ( and me, since I work) handle her recovery. Meals on wheels was > >> > " slop " , the state would pay for transportation (she will need daily > >> > radiation treatments for six weeks) but it was " public transportation " > >> > and not good enough for her. The final straw was a couple of weeks ago > >> > when I took another load of stuff over to the nursing home. She > >> > complained that the thread I had taken her was the wrong color and > >> > didn't say anything about the other stuff that I had brought. I looked > >> > at her and said, " You're Welcome " . She gave me a look that would kill > >> > and said, " You mean I am supposed to thank you? " . I said that it > >> > would be nice if she could say that occasionally. She got absolutely > >> > red faced and said, " Thanks for trying to be a good daughter, you have > >> > not succeeded. " I walked out of the room and haven't been back since. > >> > My sister is flying in tomorrow to take care of her when she gets out > >> > of the nursing home. I got a call from her yesterday saying that she > >> > had received a call from mom and that it had been horrible beyond > >> > belief. Mom told her that if I was picking her up at the airport, she > >> > would not let her in the door and then proceeded to yell at her for a > >> > full hour saying some of the nastiest things that my sister had ever > >> > heard from her. My sister, to keep the peace, told me not to pick her > >> > up at the airport. Mom is going to ride in the back seat of my aunt's > >> > car > >> > (because my aunt cannot find her way to the airport) with her leg up > >> > on the seat. I told my sister that mom has got to get some help but I > >> > am unclear how to proceed. Any advice would be welcome. > >> > > >> > > > > Mom has continued on her rampage and the lies have started. I am now > > hearing from relatives that I never visited her in the nursing home, > > was responsible for her bills being paid late, yelled at her and told > > her every day how much money she was costing me in lost wages...you > > name it. The lies are coming fast and furious and there seems to be > > no end to them. She has begun a smear campaign against me and it all > > started by my saying, " You're Welcome " . I cannot believe it. > > I don't know how far she is willing to go with this but truly believe > > that she is capable of saying just about anything about me to anyone > > in the hopes of hurting me as much as possible. Where does such anger > > come from? > > > > The thing with the bill being paid later was because her husband sent > > the check in late. When I got the notice in the mail that they were > > behind, I called the cable company and explained what was going on. I > > ended up not only getting the late fee waived, but reducing her > > monthly cable bill by $23/month forever. Mom does not seem to remember > > anything about this. > > The wages thing is troubling because she was the one who started on > > that one. One day on the way to her doctor, she blurted out that she > > must " owe me thousands of dollars by now " because I was missing work > > by taking care of her. I said that I did not understand where she was > > coming up with those numbers and that everything was fine. I was > > getting my work done and there were no problems and she did not owe me > > anything. Now she is telling everyone that I yelled at her every day > > about how much money she was costing me. > > > > I have to stand my ground with this and am a little upset that my > > sister has chosen the path of placating her instead of pointing out > > the lies that come out of her mouth even after I told her what really > > happened. In her defense, I believe that my sister feels that if she > > spoke up about mom's behavior that no one would believe her. She may > > have a point since we have seen how mom can switch on and off between > > her " crazy " and " normal " modes. > > How do I handle this situation from here? > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.