getting out of hand

[Guest guest]

Hi all, I'm back, as I wrote some time ago I needed to take some

distance -- not from you or from the forum but in the first place

from my own story and all the bad memories I have that are related to

living with a high functioning BPD mother and an indifferent father

in a dysfunctional family for 25 years. I have continued to read the

posts regularly, though, and follow the trials and tribulations of

all of us struggling with the legacy of BPD parent(s).

One of the few things that I could not tick off when I was presented

with a checklist for BPD was the item of promiscuity. As far as I

know and have seen, and I have seen pretty much, my parents have

betrayed each other in every possible way but not sexually. I don't

think there has been adultery on either side. It was one of the

things where I could still respect them. Till now. My mother has a

lover now, a friend of the family, married himself. They have been

away on vacation together, but my mother and my father still live

together, they are not divorced, and they invite these two people,

the lover and his wife, for social events to their house and to other

opportunities, a little concert in town or things like that. It's all

so weird and creepy. They make me feel ashamed when I hear and see

them. My mother claims to do " nothing wrong " , but at the same time

admits that she's fallen for this man and that he is her lover and

that 'things happened on vacation " . Well, I don't need to make a

drawing do I.

A consequence of this situation seems to be that my mother talks and

thinks a lot more than before about sex, and makes inappropriate

remarks. Sorry to say this here so bluntly. It hurts to write this

down but I have to get it off me. At my birthday party, she was

joking about some man and how handsome he is and what beautiful

children he and her eldest daugther, me, would have -- and my husband

was standing right there. !!! But this is all said like a joke, so no

one takes it serious, but I did. I just don't think these are things

that one says. It got worse. An hour (and some glasses of alcohol

later) she was telling the whole audience how she heard my partner

and I in the bedroom (of the hotel where we stayed once together)

have sex with each other!! Fortunately he did not hear this, but I

did and although I could cut her story off, I am afraid that

everybody had already understood. I repressed it but it came back

with a huge shame and an even huger anger. I mean, how can she say

such things? WTF??!! If I think about the things she 'discusses' with

her lover, my stomach turns.

Another hateful thing is that she cannot leave me out of the complots

she makes. She always tries to involve me into her drama of adultery,

both my parents call me to complain to me, she expects of me that I

make appointments with her lover for her; on some social event or so,

and that I am there too, preferrably bring my partner, to take the

suspicion off her. And she asks of me that I keep silent about this,

and for example cannot tell my father that they have met each other

in town at a music performance. If I refuse but tell her that I am

wlling to go with her to the performance, she refuses, she litterally

wrote to me that she is only interested to go when 'he' is there too.

In normal circumstances this would be a slap into my face, but I am

already used to that kind of abuse, it does not even surprise me

anymore. But I do feel used and abused once more as the go-between,

and as the one who has to take sides in the conflicts of her parents.

It takes all my energy to say no and keep saying no to her, as you

know BPD dispose of many many strategies to get what they want, and

the implications of my refusal are tough. But I know I have to. I'd

wish not to feel ashamed for her actions anymore, I rationally know

it has nothing to do with me, but emotionally is still difficult to

maintain the distance. I recognize here that I still feel this shame,

but also a deep anger burning anger that does harm me too in the end.

Any advice on how to reduce this awful feeling of shame? Thanks for

listening, take care, Katrina