Guest guest Posted August 1, 2008 Report Share Posted August 1, 2008 I think you've just blown up the sand from around the ostrich's face! He has to face the consequences of his enmeshment with nada and the effects on his marriage. His actions(calling mama and making these plans without onsulting you first) result in you not trusting him and legitimate lack of trust cannot be tolerated. You can't trust him where nada is concerned, and what wife wants to be second to the mil. Hopefully he won't spill the details to nada. Who knows what kind of ideas she'll try to put in his head. Maybe you should tell him not to give any details of the non visit to his parents before the therapy session in order to support your marriage. Keep Standing! > > > > > > > > > > > > Does anyone out there have a mother-in-law with BPD? I > have > > > > just > > > > > > read " Stop Walking on Eggshells " > (Mason/Kreger) , " Surviving > > a > > > > > > Borderline Parent " (Roth/Friedman) , and " Toxic In-laws " > > > > (Forward). > > > > > > This is my first post. > > > > > > > > > > > > Thank you for any insight! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2008 Report Share Posted August 1, 2008 I'm sorry to hear that you had such a huge fight over this. Your husband really took that to an extreme by telling you to get out, didn't he? I don't understand why he is so angry at you for wanting to protect your children from his parents who have been physically (popping your 1 1/2 yo), verbally (calling your 7 yo a crybaby), and emotionally (instructing children to keep secrets from their mother) abusive to your children in the past. And from the way you described your attempt to discuss boundaries with them they acted with total contempt and disrespect towards you. Sheesh. I'm so happy to hear that the two of you will get counseling together. Please keep us posted. > > Thanks ! Bad news - HUGE fight last night. Good news - we are > going to see a counselor, together. He wanted to take the kids > tonight to MIL's house to stay the night. (After having > transmission problems and asking his parents to borrow one of their > four cars, driving it home from work. Am I not his wife? Could he > not have called me to come and pick him up? Why does he continue to > call Mom to bail him out? And who knows what they talked about?!? > Is it petty that I would be bothered by what they talked about?) I > stood my ground and said, " absolutely not " . It got bad. He asked > me to leave, then changed his mind when I started to go upstairs and > help the kids pack. No way I was leaving them behind! The > counselor also specializes in Marriage and Family, so I am hoping he > will be insightful. Thanks to all who have written. I am so > grateful and re-read these posts over and over. It helps me > remember I'm not the one who is crazy. A co-dependant textbook, > maybe, but not crazy. > > Finally Standing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2008 Report Share Posted August 2, 2008 Thanks ! " I hope the two of you can travel on from here a stronger family and as a stronger healthier marriage. " - Me too! But I am pretty sure this is just the beginning of a very long process. I am not going back into the box. I think I will be hanging around here for quite a while. . . Finally Standing > > > > > > > > > > > > Does anyone out there have a mother-in-law with BPD? I > have > > > > just > > > > > > read " Stop Walking on Eggshells " > (Mason/Kreger) , " Surviving > > a > > > > > > Borderline Parent " (Roth/Friedman) , and " Toxic In-laws " > > > > (Forward). > > > > > > This is my first post. > > > > > > > > > > > > Thank you for any insight! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2008 Report Share Posted August 3, 2008 " The biggest problem is getting your hubby to take the blinders off and see his parents FOR THE FIRST TIME as they really are, not as he wants and needs them to be. " You're right! It is still so hard for me to believe he is soo emeshed he can't see it. He started in again today with the whole " you're withholding the kids from my parents " thing. Asked me to leave again. This time I told him that my Mother lives two hours away, and that if he would like to go stay with his Mom until we can get this thing resolved, that would be fine with me, but I was not leaving, it is my home too. He stayed. I have asked him to wait on any further visits with MIL and the kids until we see the counselor. Honestly, I can't believe he hasn't just loaded them up and taken them against what I have asked. I think it has irked my husband that MIL actually went to his brother to discuss all of this, ten hours away. It is almost as if she is saying, " I will make your brother the chosen child if you don't shape up! " If you were to ask my husband, he would tell you he had a wonderful childhood. It makes me want to vomit. I feel ill a lot lately. Finally Standing > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Does anyone out there have a mother-in-law with BPD? I > > have > > > > > just > > > > > > > read " Stop Walking on Eggshells " > > (Mason/Kreger) , " Surviving > > > a > > > > > > > Borderline Parent " (Roth/Friedman) , and " Toxic In- laws " > > > > > (Forward). > > > > > > > This is my first post. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thank you for any insight! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2008 Report Share Posted August 3, 2008 Hang in there Finally Standing! You're doing really well in standing up for yourself and asking for what is best for you and the kids (like you not leaving the house, and the kids not visiting MIL until the two of you see the counselor). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 4, 2008 Report Share Posted August 4, 2008 Thanks p bear! I appreciate the encouragement. Finally Standing > > Hang in there Finally Standing! You're doing really well in standing > up for yourself and asking for what is best for you and the kids (like > you not leaving the house, and the kids not visiting MIL until the two > of you see the counselor). > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 4, 2008 Report Share Posted August 4, 2008 Thanks - Very insightful, especially him feeling like he is being 'punished' because of a situation I have created. I think he is stressed at work, stressed with his parents, stressed with me - and in some ways it would be easier just not to deal with me. He's not used to me standing up to him. No way he could take care of the kids by himself, yes, MIL would have to swoop in and take over (she also raised three nephews after her two boys, has always said her sister was just incapable of being a mother. This sister can't stand her.) Also, I have GAD. The book Surviving a Boarderline Parent was an epiphany to me. My dad I knew years ago was NP, but that was when BPD was a woman's diagnosis. Anyway, I have digested the book, written notes in the margins, taken chapters apart. I KNOW now why I have GAD!! It is so nice to have a reason that makes sense. I know why I have been feeling 'high anxiety' for months now - and it has been more because of trying to be the person for my husband that HE wants me to be (just like I used to have to do with my father) in order to be non-confrontive, compliant, not as 'needy', etc. When there is the real me in here screaming to get out. But the real me has wants and needs that are not being met, feels I'm being treated unfairly, not growing - as we have four kids (and still expecting a fifth via adoption before Christmas?!? Oh, I can't even touch that yet.), it has been somewhat easy to lay myself completely aside to take care of them. I guess I explain all of this to say that my husband looks at my GAD (I don't sleep, sometimes stay in the house all day, have hives on my arms and face (and pick and scratch), have a hard time focusing in on everyday things - feeling like huge ordeals) and he feels justified in thinking I've got a big problem. Only, I think he is now thinking I AM a big problem, one he might just have to overcome. I know I have done my share in the making of this vortex. Yesterday morning I took the opportunity (3 of the 4 kids spent the night with our friends) to try to talk with my husband. He says he is not sure if he likes who I am and who I am becoming. It tore me up! He didn't want to talk about it anyway, I tried to insist that we needed to. I excused myself to take a shower, reduced me to the fetal position, rocking, crying, praying, and holding myself. But then, I had a thought - the only thing worse than him not liking me is me continuing to not like myself. Do I 'like' him right now? Am I 'allowed' to not like him? I'm going to buy seltzer water today. Finally Standing > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Does anyone out there have a mother-in-law with BPD? I > > > have > > > > > > just > > > > > > > > read " Stop Walking on Eggshells " > > > (Mason/Kreger) , " Surviving > > > > a > > > > > > > > Borderline Parent " (Roth/Friedman) , and " Toxic In- > laws " > > > > > > (Forward). > > > > > > > > This is my first post. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thank you for any insight! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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