Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 " He said it hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would not go. " This whole scenario with your aunt calling, leaving the " important " message to call her back, then your dad saying what he said was a manipulation, wrapped in a little dramatic buildup (having your aunt call) He hasn't changed -- he just wants you to quit having a backbone. I wouldn't have indulged this game beyond the " your dad won't go if you go. " I would have politely said " Well, thank you so much for calling, auntie -- I hope you're doing well. Lots of love, Bye... " You're being played, Tony. They like to get you caught up in the details, but the game is the same: " Do it OUR way, quit having your own life, or else. " -Kyla > > Well, > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye to them before i left. > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make this work, and i told him i dont know, > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and keeping me from seeing my > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? > > Thanks, > T > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 More scenario: Your aunt said that your dad " doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. " Oh, really? And to start building this relationship with his son, he has an aunt call to disinvite him to a family party? Doesn't that make your bullshit meter go off? If your dad really wanted to build a relationship with you, he'd start at your grandmother's birthday party and go from there -- not DISINVITE YOU THROUGH A 3rd PARTY -- That's a squeeze play, Tony -- trying to force you to his will. " He started crying and asked if i want to have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make this work. " Except that he HASN'T done anything proactive toward you to let you know he wants a relationship. He's passive-aggressively trying to force you to just do it his way, without him having to meet you halfway. Oh, and my mother uses tears when she wants to hijack the relationship negotiations -- basically when she wants to hijack ANY conversation, she reverts to tears. They ensure that the party on the other side looks cruel if they don't give in to her. Oh, and the " party shift " solution to your cousin's engagement party is TOO RIDICULOUS -- You should simply state " Am I invited to the party, or not? " does your cousin want you there? Then GO -- without any preconditions. What a narcissistic thing for your father to do by commandeering parties and making the hosts accommodate his comfort zone regarding their guests. Honestly! This is becoming less about celebrating your cousin's engagement, and more about indulging your father's need for a pity party! The focus on the day of the party ought to be your engaged cousin! If I were the engaged person, I'd really resent my party being used that way! If I were you, I'd politely ignore the e-mail, speak directly to your cousin, and say you're looking forward to a great time congratulating him/her. Then, when at the party, if anyone brings up the feud, I'd cut them off with a polite -- " This isn't the time for that, we're here to celebrate 's engagement -- let's leave all that behind for now. " And change the subject, or move on...... As far as running out before your dad gets there? NOT A CHANCE. That's demeaning and I wouldn't be a party to my own humiliation. Your dad has upped the ante. He hasn't changed -- he's playing you. -Kyla > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > to them before i left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 So... you came home. WELCOME BACK!!! (giggle) As if you thought just because YOU were trying to change things to make them better THEY would also be willing to change things to make them better. You're sweet in your hopefullness. Ain't gonna happen. Take your wife out to dinner. Talk about your vacation. Look at the pictures... re-live - together - the memories. Cherish the moments you were safe and sane and far far away... go there when the games begin (as they already have). Your parents are taking turns being good cop/bad cop and are enlisting the whole family in their game. Shame on them. Shame on the family for playing into it. Mine did (and some do) for their whole lives... however, I just bide my time and do my thing and let them have a field day. Am I resentful of the 'things missed'? Sometimes. Does it make me angry? Yep. Am I willing to play out the sick games? Nope, no more. Do I, ultimately, feel better/safer/strong/ whole? DEFINATELY! You will too... it just takes the breath out of you when you go do something 'normal' to come back to the insane asylumn. Peace. Lynnette > > Well, > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye to them before i left. > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make this work, and i told him i dont know, > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and keeping me from seeing my > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? > > Thanks, > T > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 " As if you thought just because YOU were trying to change things to make them better THEY would also be willing to change things to make them better. You're sweet in your hopefullness. Ain't gonna happen. " PERFECT summation! It reminds me of that scene in Animal House when Belushi tries to rally the " troops " and says " C'mon! Let's DO IT!!! " and he goes running out of the frat house, as if going into battle. Only no one follows him...... It's the same with expending effort toward our parents who yak all day about how they want a better relationship. So we make the effort, thinking they're going to work alongside us and give effort, too. They don't. They want the reassurance that their children are still theirs to order around. It was a tough lesson to learn, but better acknowledge the reality and move on, than twist yourself into an emotional mess trying to please them, and losing yourself in the process. -Kyla > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > to them before i left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 P.S. I would have denied Dad the payoff he sought when he put his sister (my aunt) up to calling me and delivering his latest shot across the bow. After she disinvited me and I learned why, I'd say " Oh. I'm really disappointed to hear that. I thought this was about honoring Nana on her birthday -- I'm hurt and disappointed to have been disinvited. Thanks for calling and letting me know. I'll follow your wishes. Goodbye. " Denying him the game he wants. > > > > > > Well, > > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior > to > > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > > to them before i left. > > > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a > 80th > > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that > my > > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said > it > > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to > my > > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he > would > > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting > upset > > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging > into > > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want > to > > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to > make > > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i > get > > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it > was > > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the > family > > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my > dad > > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from > 7- > > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, > and > > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on > wednesday > > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to > get > > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > > keeping me from seeing my > > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > > suggestions? > > > > > > Thanks, > > > T > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 My head just about started spinning around when I read this post. How dare your fada pull this BS on you. He needs to grow up. I am spitting mad and the words I have for your aunt are not printable. This is unfair and stupid. Your fada doesn't want a relationship he wants a puppet he can jerk around to make himself feel better. If you really want to go to the engagement tell them you are coming without conditions, if that is not sufficent they can uninvite you and you know where you stand with your family. If your fada wants to come it is up to him. If he doesn't it is his choice. I have had this crap pulled on me and it really sets me off. It is a game, don't play it. Once again your boundaries are being violated and now your fada has drug the family into it. He is a big boy, if he doesn't want to show up while you are there he needs to go to his corner and pout like the child he is behaving as. GRRRRRRRRRRRR. Sorry, I am alittle put out by the BS our families choose to heave on to us and then expect us to sit there with a pasted on smile. Be strong, Good luck. Glad you had a great time on your vacation. Returning home Well, My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye to them before i left. Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with my aunt, i finally got off the phone. I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make this work, and i told him i dont know, and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7-8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and keeping me from seeing my grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? Thanks, T Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 And not only is the dad putting this on Tony, he's decided to ruin TWO family celebrations to suit himself! What about the people who are supposed to be honored? Apparently Dad doesn't care about them - - only himself. One other thought I had: Dad is probably hopping mad that Tony didn't sit around and marinate in the family drama. He dared to take a fun trip to Italy with his wife! How dare he not be sitting around, feeling guilty, suffering the tortures of the family! I know something like that would piss my mother off. How dare people live (and enjoy) their own separate lives! Dad's jealousy and spitefulness caused him to take such drastic action as to put his sister up to calling Tony and playing out his little scenario. -Kyla > > My head just about started spinning around when I read this post. How dare your fada pull this BS on you. He needs to grow up. I am spitting mad and the words I have for your aunt are not printable. This is unfair and stupid. > Your fada doesn't want a relationship he wants a puppet he can jerk around to make himself feel better. If you really want to go to the engagement tell them you are coming without conditions, if that is not sufficent they can uninvite you and you know where you stand with your family. If your fada wants to come it is up to him. If he doesn't it is his choice. I have had this crap pulled on me and it really sets me off. It is a game, don't play it. > Once again your boundaries are being violated and now your fada has drug the family into it. He is a big boy, if he doesn't want to show up while you are there he needs to go to his corner and pout like the child he is behaving as. GRRRRRRRRRRRR. > Sorry, I am alittle put out by the BS our families choose to heave on to us and then expect us to sit there with a pasted on smile. > Be strong, Good luck. Glad you had a great time on your vacation. > > > > Returning home > > > Well, > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye to them before i left. > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make this work, and i told him i dont know, > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and keeping me from seeing my > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? > > Thanks, > T > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 Oh jeeze Tony.......this is such crap!!! I'm just amazed that your aunt got invoved in your family BS and that your dad went that far to pull ranks. This crap happens in my family as well. Its like all the books say....we are given a position or rank in the family and if we dare set boundaries or have a different way of seeing things then we are attacked. My nada is classic in shoving shit under the rug......its ok for her to bring up the past and shove it up your nose but by God no one else dare!!! I think your dad just is seeing how many hoops you will jump through to forgive and forget and forget......they want back in your life without having to look at themselves or without having to change themselves. They are looking to you to get back into rank.....to shut up and put up as for the sake of " family " . Its kind of like beating a dog into submission....Oh I could scream......drlingirl > > Well, > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye to them before i left. > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make this work, and i told him i dont know, > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and keeping me from seeing my > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? > > Thanks, > T > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 So basically, both your parents are trying to blackmail you into spending time with them on their terms. If you don't " resume " your relationship with them when they want and to the extent that they want, they will either refuse to appear at family functions or more likely pressure you directly or indirectly into abstaining from family functions. By threatening to oust you from your own extended family, they're saying " my way or the highway. " This is neither reasonable nor compassionate. Quite the opposite, it's pretty disrespectful of your needs and feelings. They're letting you know loud and clear that they don't care whether you want to attend extended family events, they don't care how often you want to spend time with them. Not only that, they're predicating this whole thing on " none of us causing a problem in this new relationship. " So if your wife wants to spend a quiet weekend with you but your parents want you to come over, would your wife be " causing a problem " in the " new relationship " ? You bet. And then guess who'll be punished? You don't deserve this kind of nonsense. Here's what I might say in response: Dear Mom, I am glad you are interested in being together. As you know, family functions are intended for all members of the family. As such, asking family members to exclude particular members of the family is counter-productive and runs counter to the spirit and purpose of a family function. If you would like to attend family functions to which we are all invited, by all means please do. I am sorry if you feel pained at seeing us at a joint family function. Considering that you are interested in continuing our relationship, I would imagine you would be glad to see me rather than pained. However, you are entitled to your feelings. I would appreciate your courtesy and sensitivity in not involving extended family members in your decision to attend functions or not. This decision is, as I said, entirely up to you and unrelated to our extended family. qwerty > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > to them before i left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 Not sure if I am qualified to give you any advice here......your parents take the cake on head trips Tony. Your family, and your story, is taking on a " Lifetime movie " feel and I am scared for you. They sound like they belong to the MOB!!! It just feels so threating to me. This must be so awful for you. " Agreements " , " true family relationships " , " family gatherings " , Oh my...... I smell a couple of rats.......drlingirl > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > to them before i left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 " Blackmail " QZ......you are so spot on!!! That was my very thought.....good old fashion emotional blackmail!!! This is so screwed up......Run, Tony, run......drlingirl > > > > > > Well, > > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > > to them before i left. > > > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset > > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > > keeping me from seeing my > > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > > suggestions? > > > > > > Thanks, > > > T > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 FANTASTIC Reply! absolutely perfect. Doesn't get all twisted and tangled in all the rabbit trails laid out by tony's mother -- keeps the salient points on the table: not hijacking family functions, which is what they've done. -Kyla > > > > > > Well, > > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > > to them before i left. > > > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset > > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > > keeping me from seeing my > > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > > suggestions? > > > > > > Thanks, > > > T > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 Tony: See my comments interspersed into your mother's letter: > > Any suggestions on how to reply to this? Thanks for all your input thus far!! > > > > Hi Tony, > > I realize that this is not your choosing, and you don't > have any problem with all of us being together. I hope you can understand why > we do not wish to participate at family/group functions together, unless we are > also pro-actively resuming our relationship with you on an individual basis as > well? We feel strongly that family functions and group gatherings are not a way > for us to forge ahead in re-establishing and maintaining a true family > relationship from this point forward. [Tony, you can also feel STRONGLY that peoples' celebrations aren't to be hijacked and misused to serve someone else's agenda, and to force you to act the way they want you to. And how ridiculous is her logic? That family functions are NOT a place where you can improve your relationship? This whole paragraph is ridiculous and self-serving. There's really no answer to that pretzel logic.] > > Dad and I will be very happy of course in ALL of us being together > at a function, provided that all of our goals continue to be to see each > other in small family settings, as well as on individual basis as well? [Huh? Is that blackmail? It doesn't even really make sense.] > > I need to know you are in agreement with what I've just > stated before we can make our final decision about Christie's party, as > well as any other future family gatherings. [What exactly did she just say? That you can't state your boundaries? I'm surprised she didn't make a list of acceptable behavior she will demand from you.] > > I'd also like to mention that this agreement of course > is based on the understanding that none of us will do something to cause a new problem in the relationship. Barring the unforeseen, and that you state you are > also in agreement with what I've stated, then I think we can and > should all be present at the same time as a family on this very special occasion > for Christie and . [Yes, you CAN AND SHOULD BE PRESENT AT THE SAME TIME AS A FAMILY FOR CHRISTIE AND BRIAN, and GRANDMA -- WITHOUT MAKING EXTORTIONIST DEMANDS!] > > > Love, Mom >>>>> Tony -- This is filled with booby traps. Note how she keeps her role in rebuilding the relationship quite ambiguous. It seems like she thinks she's triumphed by dis-inviting you to two parties -- so she's casting herself as the benevolent peacemaker and offering you ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in exchange for you just reverting back to being her obedient lapdog. I would respond briefly and to the point: that parties aren't to be hijacked to serve other people's agendas and you won't be a party to that; that you're a family member and see no reason why you should be cut out of family celebrations, but if that's how the party hosts feel, there's not much you can do about it (message: their choices to uninvite me are unfortunate, but I'll go on with my life). Your parents don't have the power to keep you away from the rest of the family. They can't dangle that as an inducement to act like they want you to. If the rest of the family goes along with their wishes, THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. THEY ARE AS SICK AS YOUR PARENTS, AND YOU CAN'T PAY OFF YOUR BLACKMAILERS. > > Do you think and want you at their engagement party? Were you invited? Then GO! My therapist helped me when I had to walk into my dad's retirement party and I was afraid my mother would corner me and boo hoo about her mother's recent passing. My therapist told me " Remember why you're there -- to honor your dad, not to be used by your mother for her emotional needs. " By the same token, remember the purpose of the celebration, and ignore your parents' attempts to use them for emotional blackmail. If your aunt chose to do your dad's dirty work and disrespect your grandmother by disinviting you then SHAME ON HER. She's as wrong as your dad, but again, there's nothing you can do about what behaviors people choose. You can only call it what it is, and move on with your own life. You've got a nest of personality disordered family members, my friend. It's always good not to get all bogged down in details, and just remember that the overriding principle is they won't take responsibility, and they obviously aren't changing. It really has nothing to do with engagement parties, birthday parties, who's driving, dogs vs. cats, blondes vs. brunettes, or any other intricate issue they try to throw your way to get your attention. Keep your eyes on the ball -- they're still emotionally blackmailing you. I'd keep any response brief and just address that you're going to the party because you wish to honor your cousin and you were invited by your cousin. As for the other things, you can tell your mother " If you and dad are truly interested in building a relationship with me, they'll have polite, warm, loving interactions with me when we see each other. We'll respect each others right to live our own lives. " If you try to get bogged down in arguing every point, you've given them a lot of what they wanted: to get you on the defensive (a subordinate position to them) and to get you talking. Just keep it brief and to the point -- that you hope to see them there and look forward to the party. -Kyla > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 I am so sorry, Tony, I know this stuff is horrendously painful. At least it is for me, there isn't much like that feeling of utter and complete powerlessness you feel when you realize a pd type has been going about character assassinating you, I guess they chose the time you were on vacation to do it since you were not in any position to defend yourself or find out about it. I wonder if this was part of the plan from the beginning, to throw the therapy bomb (with an 'or else' attached that you didn't know about) right before your vacation, knowing it was unlikely you'd agree to it. I just don't know about this, I'd thought it was your mom that was bpd but this sounds like bpd manipulation as well. Wonder if mom is making his life a living hell and he's decided that if he has to be miserable you do as well. He is really pulling out all the stops and it's times like these that you realize these types aren't together by accident, it's destiny. I think it would be understandable for you to make it clear to him that he is destroying any chance for a relationship between the two of you by making the state of your relationship so public. I'd tell him it's a betrayal of trust and that you can't have a relationship if you know he's not capable of keeping confidences and personal things personal; hell, you could tell him you are now confident you made the right decision not to enter therapy since you now realize all those things supposedly talked about in confidence behind a therapists closed door would have been broadcast to the family as well. Part of having a relationship with someone is not using their confidences to hurt them and manipulate them into doing what you want, that's called extortion, and it sounds to me like he's trying to extort a pound of flesh from you by shaming you in front of the family. He needs to prove that he can 'suck it up' and act like a grown-up before you all can have a real relationship. I'm really sorry you are going to have to miss your gram's 80'th birthday. It's inexcusable...it sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place and you might just have to put it out there to your family that you aren't the one with the problem and wait for the ones that really love and respect you to come to you for relationship. In my family this has been zero, although I'm kind of a misfit in my family so it really isn't a big loss, but it does hurt that most of them would rather believe the lies and get high on all the drama than ever ask my side of anything. (((Hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 oh, yeah, one more thing and then I'll shut up, I learned this term in my psy class, it's call " relational aggression " when people do this, they can't just beat you up, so they try to damage your social relationships instead as a manner of revenge, it's what little girls in grade school do as opposed to the physical aggression of boys. I experienced this a couple of years ago when I unknowingly befriended a bpd and when I distanced myself from her she came after me like a bat out of hell and damaged my reputation with that group of people irretrievably. I'd never experienced anything like that before, I thought, until I started making the connections with my own family and asking myself why I was drawing these types into my life. The fallout from that, which went on for a year or so as I lost one friend after another to her campaign, is what eventually led me to question the situation with my dad and his behavior (he is into relational aggression with everyone, does the whole gatekeeper thing and all) and that's how I ended up looking up personality disorders and winding up here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 holy crap your parents are completely insane and your family is enabling them. if it were me, and this is just me, i wouldn't have even responded to that aunt's voice mail. this is especially crazy since i remember your grandmother wanting you to work it out with your father so badly. this really pisses me off. i wouldn't even respond to your cousin's email and then just show up whenever you want to. your dad just wants more and more and more and it's ridiculous! it's ok to see you BEFORE the party, but not DURING the party? WTF?!?! THIS MAKES NO SENSE!!! bink > > Well, > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye to them before i left. > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make this work, and i told him i dont know, > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7-8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and keeping me from seeing my > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? > > Thanks, > T > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 " campaign " is a PERFECT term for what tony's parents are doing. > > oh, yeah, one more thing and then I'll shut up, I learned this term in > my psy class, it's call " relational aggression " when people do this, > they can't just beat you up, so they try to damage your social > relationships instead as a manner of revenge, it's what little girls > in grade school do as opposed to the physical aggression of boys. I > experienced this a couple of years ago when I unknowingly befriended a > bpd and when I distanced myself from her she came after me like a bat > out of hell and damaged my reputation with that group of people > irretrievably. I'd never experienced anything like that before, I > thought, until I started making the connections with my own family and > asking myself why I was drawing these types into my life. The fallout > from that, which went on for a year or so as I lost one friend after > another to her campaign, is what eventually led me to question the > situation with my dad and his behavior (he is into relational > aggression with everyone, does the whole gatekeeper thing and all) and > that's how I ended up looking up personality disorders and winding up > here. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 those first three sentences say it all. To me it sounds like this whole thing is somehow about their daughter in law, like they've lost power somehow and are trying to regain stranglehold on Tony that they lost when he married and made his wife #1 in his life. It's really sad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 tony, no one can " suck you back in " or " put you in a situation " without your permission. They don't have that power unless you give it to them. As for your meeting with your mother, you could take her at her word and call her on what she's said in the past -- just bluntly ask " You said get-togethers are difficult for you -- are you still wanting to meet me to look at pictures? We can cancel if you're uncomfortable. " Then shut your mouth and listen to the noise that comes out, and if she launches into one of her speeches about how you've disappointed them, you can say " So are you saying we're still on? Or no? " You don't have to sit still for any of this. You might ask yourself why you, a grown man with a wife and who the world views as a grown man, are so DEATHLY afraid of just speaking plainly to them. Just food for thought -- (I personally wouldn't meet with her right now -- to much crap being flung by both of them right now. I would say " Under the circumstances, i think it's best if we postponed our little get together until things calm down a bit. " ) They don't get to call all the shots, Tony. They don't REALLY want to lose you. You have more power than you think. Your post sounds a little helpless -- and you're not. -Kyla > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > to them before i left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 Hi Tony, I'm glad you had such a great trip. I have to say I agree with many of the other posts. If you are invited to a party, and you want to go, go to the party. Let you mom and dad manage themselves. You have to ignore them. As long as you engage with them or their surrogates (ie your Aunt), you are empowering them. I suspect that you don't want to be perceived as the bad guy by your family (maybe I'm just projecting...That's how I always feel) and so you are trying to work it out. I say go to the gatherings, hold your head high, smile and be charming, and let them spin out of control. It won't be easy but it is the first step. As for the letter from your mom...My mother could have written the same thing. This is how I would respond (literally): Dear Mom, I am going to go to the upcoming gatherings. Whether or not you choose to go it up to you. Take Care, Tony, you have to put it back on them and stop engaging. Essentially ignore everything in your moms letter. They don't want to go? Fine. They are saying that it has to do with you but you have to decide that it has nothing to do with you. Imagine if they said that they would only go if you agreed to sign over your paychecks to them, or to have them go on vacation with you or something else that is over the top. You would, at some level of crazy, be able to see that they are absurd. You have to realize that what they are doing is totally absurd. It's crazy. To try to get my self to behave this way with my own mom I started doing a visualization (I know, I'm an ex new yorker who has become a bit LA but it really helps). I imagine my mother physically throwing all sorts of crap at me. She is out of control and over the top. Then I imagine gathering it up, piling it on a tray and handing the tray back to her as she stands there stunned. It really helps to clarify things for me. -Lynn > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > to them before i left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 thanks gs for the vote of confidence, and i totally agree with you. he's most definitely not normal he's like this with all people and all phones. major recluse. he would love to stay in his house and play turok all day long for the rest of his life. his mom totally has bp, his dad was avoidant, his big sister raised him, and he's hypervigilant about people trying to get something from him, so he just avoids all people pretty much. when i show up at his house, though, he's like, " i'm so glad you came over! " and he doesn't seem to be lying. HE'S WEIRD!!! and he's weird enough that i know he understands that my " drive over and make sure he's alive " reaction is the result of the same type of childhood environment that caused his " if i'm not available to anyone, nobody can hurt me " manner of telephone usage. he's patient with me, i'm patient with him. but it still makes me feel a little crazy. i mean, WHO DOES THIS?!?! CRAZY MOMS DO THIS TYPE OF THING! aye carrumba. bink > > > > > > Well, > > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my mom > > i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk periodically, > > as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye to them before i > > left. > > > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt it > > would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my dad > > says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more important > > to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is coming from, > > cause my dad and I have been talking recently and things have been > > getting better. she says that he doesnt want a relationship with his > > son that he only sees him at family get togethers, he wants more then > > that. So after much discussion with my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would not > > go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting things > > back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my grandmas > > thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would be willing > > to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to forget everything > > that has happend. I told him that last time we tried doing that, that > > they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " things, and started > > bringing things up again. He kept getting upset and saying he doesnt > > understand why i am mad at him when it was my mom that did most of the > > wrongs. he did apologize for barging into my house, but that was it. > > He started crying and asked if i want to have a relationship with > > him, and he will do anything for me to make this work, and i told him > > i dont know, > > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was an > > email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so they > > want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7-8:30, > > and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and i dont > > know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday to show > > her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know how to > > handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get things > > back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i guess the > > reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual write me an > > apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. and i want to > > just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and keeping me from seeing my > > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? > > > > > > Thanks, > > > T > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 hey, i think you should still go out with your mom because you made the date in good faith and everything was normal-ish when you planned it. i do think that you should give yourself permission to leave if she starts in on your dad and his weird demanding to see you prior to family engagements. that, at least, is a boundary i would have. you don't have to. it's up to you. i also wouldn't mention anything about the email to your mom. also, things like, " your grandmother missed you SOOOO much at the party " is bait. don't take it. if she starts saying stuff like this, she is trying to engage you in drama. i would leave right then and there. it's not easy, but i think it's better to be able to live life on my own terms and not according to the emotional whims of emotionally unstable people. bink > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > to them before i left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 I like it -- you're taking care of yourself and asking for space. Your therapist may not recommend it -- but I am sure she will support your general effort to distance yourself from your parents. You did well -- Pay attention to your feelings and honor them. It might be that you felt relief at cancelling with your mom -- that's something to pay attention to. One step at a time -- Good for you for taking a timeout. -Kyla > > >> > > Well,> > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > > to them before i left.> > > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said > that > my > > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > > my aunt, i finally got off the phone.> > > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he > would > > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > > forget > everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting > upset > > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want > to > > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to > make > > this work, and i told him i dont know,> > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party.> > > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i > get > > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the > family > > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > > wont be > there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7-> > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, > and > > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on > wednesday > > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > > keeping me from seeing my> > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > > suggestions?> > > > > > Thanks,> > > T> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]> > >> > > > > > > > > > > > > > [Non- text portions of this > message have been removed]> >> > > > > > > _________________________________________________________________ > It’s a talkathon †" but it’s not just talk. > http://www.imtalkathon.com/?source=EML_WLH_Talkathon_JustTalk > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 > > I feel like by sending my mom's email to others, it would be stooping to their level, and really wouldnt accomplish anything but make me look just as guilty as they do. And be doing exactly what i am upset that they are doing, talking to other family members about our situation? > On one hand...I suppose you could see it as stooping to their level. On the other, if you include other family members in your response, then you are clearly on the record with YOUR response...not the response SHE FABRICATES that you made when she speaks with the family about it. There is a definite difference and as others have said, if she thinks her e-mail is no big deal, then she shouldn't be upset about others reading it. I can't say my situation was entirely the same, but right before Christmas, when I didn't quite realize I was dealing with a BPD, I forwarded an e-mail from my parents to my extended family asking for help/input. I included her e-mail and everything my Mom had done and said that I was aware of within the past year explaining that I did not understand the behavior, etc. I honestly wasn't out to " smear " my mom, I was trying for the life of me to understand. The responses I received varied. One Aunt thought I should have just have kept the situation between me and my parents. Another ignored it entirely. The other two offerred their sympathies and one Uncle went so far as to say, " I could have told you that broad was crazy 40 years ago. " Ultimately, my mother viewed it as me " getting even. " She never denied any of my claims and could clearly not deny her own e- mail...rather she focused on the fact that I wrote a " horrendous " e- mail to my family. It was horrendous. Not because of what I did, but because of the horrendous things she had done which I documented. Ultimately, you can't control how those who receive it will view it. So you have to ask yourself how will it make you feel to share it? How do you think it could help you resolve the misrepresentation of the current situation? In the end, could it really make the situation worse? One thing that happened as a result of this situation is that my mother no longer sends nasty e-mails. She realizes they could be sent on elsewhere. For me, that is an improvement. Take care- JJFan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 BAD ASS EMAIL. also, it's great how you highlighted that your parents don't get to decide who other people invite to a party. totally true. bink > > > > > > > > Well, > > > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > > > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > > > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > > > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > > > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > > > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > > > to them before i left. > > > > > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > > > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > > > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > > > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > > > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that > > my > > > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > > > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > > > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > > > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > > > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > > > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > > > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > > > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > > > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > > > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > > > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to > > my > > > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he > > would > > > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > > > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > > > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > > > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting > > upset > > > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > > > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > > > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want > > to > > > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to > > make > > > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > > > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i > > get > > > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > > > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the > > family > > > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my > > dad > > > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > > > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from > > 7- > > > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, > > and > > > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on > > wednesday > > > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > > > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > > > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > > > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > > > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > > > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > > > keeping me from seeing my > > > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > > > suggestions? > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > T > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.