Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 I agree with Kyla, no shifts. I realize that your cousin is trying her best to maintain the peace but it is insulting in the extreme. Good luck. Re: Returning home OH MY GOODNESS -- this is beyond ridiculous! Your cousin is insulting you by these " shifts " !! I would answer that you " don't want them involved in this fray -- that you'd like to come to the party as an invited guest and not for a " shift " to avoid anyone else. That you have faith that everyone can behave themselves long enough to honor cousin's upcoming wedding. Thanks for the recommendation for a therapist, but I am taking care of things on my end. You have enough on your plate, you don't need this, too. Let us work it out among ourselves. " When I read that e-mail from your cousin, I thought it was very demeaning. Assure him/her that you don't wish them to get involved, and you look forward to seeing them at the party, and you'd rather not do shifts. Honestly, I wouldn't put up with this for anything. Why would you let people demean you this way? -Kyla > > > > > > > > > > Well, > > > > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > > > > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > > > > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > > > > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > > > > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > > > > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > > > > to them before i left. > > > > > > > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > > > > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > > > > important.. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > > > > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > > > > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that > > > my > > > > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > > > > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > > > > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > > > > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > > > > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > > > > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > > > > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > > > > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > > > > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > > > > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > > > > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > > > > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to > > > my > > > > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he > > > would > > > > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > > > > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > > > > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > > > > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting > > > upset > > > > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > > > > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > > > > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want > > > to > > > > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to > > > make > > > > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > > > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > > > > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > > > > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i > > > get > > > > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > > > > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the > > > family > > > > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my > > > dad > > > > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > > > > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from > > > 7- > > > > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, > > > and > > > > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on > > > wednesday > > > > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > > > > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > > > > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > > > > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > > > > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > > > > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > > > > keeping me from seeing my > > > > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > > > > suggestions? > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > T > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 Just to let everyone know, i think i may have been unclear of something. The cousin that is sticking her self in the middle, is not the same one that is getting married, it is my other cousin. The one interviening is the maid of honor, who also happens to be my cousin. Sorry for the confusion. Not that it changes much, but at least it isnt the bride-to-be getting all mixed up in this, that would be more wrong then it already is. T Re: Returning home I feel sorry for his cousin -- this has already overshadowed the reason for the party: her happiness at being engaged. She's been shoved aside, and the greater drama will take center stage -- especially if there are shifts. Reminds me of when I was newly engaged and my dad told me to " keep it to yourself " and not announce it because it would " hurt your mother " . I was shoved out of the spotlight, just like tony's cousin. > > > > > > > > > > > > Well, > > > > > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > > > > > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, > and > > > > > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, > prior to > > > > > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up > telling my > > > > > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > > > > > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said > goodbye > > > > > to them before i left. > > > > > > > > > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt > (dad's > > > > > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was > very > > > > > important.. When i called, she told me that they were having > a 80th > > > > > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that > she felt > > > > > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said > that > > > > my > > > > > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is > more > > > > > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where > this is > > > > > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently > and > > > > > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt > want a > > > > > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > > > > > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion > with > > > > > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > > > > > > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He > said it > > > > > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > > > > > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he > would > > > > > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and > getting > > > > > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt > go to > > > > my > > > > > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he > > > > would > > > > > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us > to > > > > > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last > time we > > > > > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week > with " forgetting " > > > > > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting > > > > upset > > > > > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it > was my > > > > > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for > barging into > > > > > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i > want > > > > to > > > > > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me > to > > > > make > > > > > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > > > > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > > > > > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > > > > > > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. > now i > > > > get > > > > > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following > it was > > > > > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the > > > > family > > > > > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since > my > > > > dad > > > > > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something > out, so > > > > > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go > from > > > > 7- > > > > > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so > ridiculous, > > > > and > > > > > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on > > > > wednesday > > > > > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont > know > > > > > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying > to get > > > > > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came > crashing. i > > > > > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did > actual > > > > > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding > her. > > > > > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit > and > > > > > keeping me from seeing my > > > > > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > > > > > suggestions? > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > T > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 This is insane. She could claim dementia due to her age but I don't think that is happening here. She is refusing to understand your point of view and wishes to have you come to heel. This is so unfair and it stinks. First off, DON'T send this out to the other members of the family. It is none of their business. Second, stand your ground. You set the conditions, she has had her chance and has blown it every time. Third, go to the party. Stay as long as you like. Fourth, keep your head up. It is bull$hit but we all have to wade in it from time to time just to make our way forward. Take Care Be strong Re: Re: Returning home I agree with Kyla. I would not see your mother for dinner. I would not give in to her control. I also throught of emailing your mother a response to her last letter (I hope it was an email) and cc: your cousin on your response. This way everyone will see how your parent's are behaving if you leave their email attached to your response. Since your mother doesn't feel her letter was inappropriate then she shouldn't mind everyone reading it. kylaboo728 <kylaboo728@ yahoo. com> wrote: tony -- I would seriously put off seeing your mother until you feel stronger and are able to withstand their self-serving, personality disordered " noise " ..... Your posts indicate you're too enmeshed and, perhaps afraid (?) of them. I'd wait until I felt stronger and more coated with teflon before I walked back into the lion's den. Your mother will try and bog you down in " issues " and situations and ignore the larger theme of them playing emotional hardball with you. It just doesn't strike me that you won't be blown about by their wind......You need to gather strength first. -Kyla > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > to them before i left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 I think this is honest and very rational. It is a good job. I also know that they will view it in an irrational manner. But you did your best and took the high road, I reccommend you continue on that path. Good Luck Be strong Re: Re: Returning home > > I agree with Kyla. I would not see your mother for dinner. I would not give > in to her control.. > > I also throught of emailing your mother a response to her last letter (I > hope it was an email) and cc: your cousin on your response. > > This way everyone will see how your parent's are behaving if you leave > their email attached to your response. Since your mother doesn't feel her > letter was inappropriate then she shouldn't mind everyone reading it. > > kylaboo728 <kylaboo728@ yahoo. com> wrote: > tony -- I would seriously put off seeing your mother until you feel > stronger and are able to withstand their self-serving, personality > disordered " noise " ..... Your posts indicate you're too enmeshed and, > perhaps afraid (?) of them.. I'd wait until I felt stronger and more > coated with teflon before I walked back into the lion's den. Your > mother will try and bog you down in " issues " and situations and > ignore the larger theme of them playing emotional hardball with you. > > It just doesn't strike me that you won't be blown about by their > wind......You need to gather strength first. > > -Kyla > > > > > > > Well, > > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > > to them before i left. > > > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that > my > > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > > togethers, he wants more then that.. So after much discussion with > > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to > my > > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he > would > > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting > upset > > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want > to > > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to > make > > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i > get > > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the > family > > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my > dad > > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from > 7- > > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, > and > > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on > wednesday > > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > > keeping me from seeing my > > > grandma on her 80th bday.. anyone have any thoughts or > > suggestions? > > > > > > Thanks, > > > T > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 I agree with you. Always take the high road. They will do as they will and soon enough the family will tire of it. I know it is hard, but you are doing an amazingly graceful job of it. Be strong Re: Re: Returning home I agree with Kyla. I would not see your mother for dinner. I would not give in to her control. I also throught of emailing your mother a response to her last letter (I hope it was an email) and cc: your cousin on your response. This way everyone will see how your parent's are behaving if you leave their email attached to your response. Since your mother doesn't feel her letter was inappropriate then she shouldn't mind everyone reading it. kylaboo728 <kylaboo728@ yahoo. com> wrote: tony -- I would seriously put off seeing your mother until you feel stronger and are able to withstand their self-serving, personality disordered " noise " ...... Your posts indicate you're too enmeshed and, perhaps afraid (?) of them. I'd wait until I felt stronger and more coated with teflon before I walked back into the lion's den. Your mother will try and bog you down in " issues " and situations and ignore the larger theme of them playing emotional hardball with you. It just doesn't strike me that you won't be blown about by their wind......You need to gather strength first. -Kyla > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > periodically, as did my dad and I.. I even called and said goodbye > to them before i left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > forget everything that has happend.. I told him that last time we > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > i dont know what to do.. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > how to handle this anymore.. I was on the right track trying to get > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 Tony, You are doing your best and that is enough. Call your cousin and tell her that shifts are unacceptable. Tell her that you will be happy to help her celebrate HER day, but that she should stop trying to play peacemaker in this situation and get out of that role asap. She needs to understand that you are not making her choose between you and your parents, but that it is their choice to stay away from her wedding because you will be there. Tell her that you realize that this is an extremely unfair position that your parents are putting her in and that you fully understand her frustration. Then leave it at that. Do not over explain, you don't need to. What happens next is entirely up to your parents. If anyone at the wedding says anything about it. Smile and tell them that you want to concentrate on the Wedding and not family squabbles. If they persist tell them in no uncertain terms to butt out. They do not understand what is going on and thus should let you and your parents work things out. Lay down that boundary and let them sulk if they choose to. Let me repeat, IT IS THEIR CHOICE TO SULK if you stand firm. They are the ones stirring things up, not you. Keep your head up and don't let them get you down. Easy to put in words, hard to put into practice. I know. I am going through a similar squabble. I only mention that to let you know that you are not alone. Take care hon, it will work its way out. Be stong Re: Returning home Tony, This might sound offensive, but she sounds like a real witch. " What feelings are stirred up now? " ??????? After she just defamed you to your entire family and both of them are playing the martyr, while you were off on vacation having a pleasant time and didn't expect to return home to chaos. I don't mean to be blunt and offend you, I just want to give you an outside reaction because it seems to be that you are being manipulated with NO regard for your feelings at all. Both parents are saying and doing incredibly hurtful things to you, and then turning around and acting like YOU hurt THEM. And of course they aren't lying or twisting the facts, because they are your parents and they wouldn't do that, right??? (not). Here is something to chew on: you can still love them even if they are manipulative liars. You don't have to like their behavior but you can still love them. What I see you doing is trying to make them into something they are not, and pretend they are not what they are, to meet some conditions you have for relationship with them. They aren't the people you want to be, they are behaving TERRIBLY. I think you need reinforcements, like a therapist who knows bpd because you are being double-teamed horribly, and to make matters worse they've brought the whole family on board now. It's okay to come here and ask for advice as many times as you need to, as well as support, and it's perfectly okay to NOT know how to handle this, and to not address it, and like others have advised, to attend the parties if you want without regard to their demands. When I read her letter I get the image of an evil queen in a castle like in Snow White, looking at her reflection in the mirror and smiling at her cleverness. Just by the tone of your response it's obvious she has you confused and questioning reality again, which is where she wants you. I won't take it personally if you feel this description is too harsh, I just want you to see how she is coming off to a person outside the situation.      Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 As I stated before, tell her shifts are unacceptable. You will be happy to celebrate her day with her, what your parents do is not under your control. As for the professional help, let her know that you are working on that and that she needs to let that be. Tell her you welcome her prayers but that this situation has its own timetable and you are not in control of it. What a freaking mess. Be strong. Re: Returning home BAD ASS EMAIL. also, it's great how you highlighted that your parents don't get to decide who other people invite to a party. totally true. bink > > > > > > > > Well, > > > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > > > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > > > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > > > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > > > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > > > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > > > to them before i left. > > > > > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > > > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > > > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > > > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > > > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that > > my > > > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > > > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > > > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > > > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > > > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > > > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > > > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > > > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > > > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > > > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > > > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to > > my > > > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he > > would > > > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > > > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > > > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > > > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting > > upset > > > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > > > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > > > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want > > to > > > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to > > make > > > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > > > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i > > get > > > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > > > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the > > family > > > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my > > dad > > > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > > > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from > > 7- > > > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, > > and > > > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on > > wednesday > > > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > > > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > > > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > > > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > > > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > > > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > > > keeping me from seeing my > > > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > > > suggestions? > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > T > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 That maybe you misunderstood tactic, ranks right up there with " Can you give me a specific example " when you have told someone that they have behaved badly towards you and you call them on their behavior. Doesn't matter what the specific event was the GENERAL behavior is still ugly. And while you are thinking of the most representative example you can trying not to select anything trivial, THEY HAVE YOU OFF BALANCE. Once they smell the blood you get the, " This is all so trivial and I can't believe YOU are being so cruel. " She is setting you up Tony. Don't go for it. Send the long e-mail response and let the chips fall where they may. Sometime I think about how much time we waste trying to make irrational people respond to us in a rational manner. Waste of energy. That long e-mail was written and sent as a boundary. They will make of it what they will. As for the family, think of them as a bunch of strangers and treat them with bemused courtesy when they try to take sides. I still reccommend the: " Well you know that Mom and Dad are getting up in the years and I have to make allowances for their eccentricities. They won't be around much longer and I don't want any controversy, so let's just enjoy the party. " Puts it right back in their laps, points out that it is their behavior that is the issue not yours, and word will get back to them that you think they are bonkers which will throw your family off balance because up until now the only information they have had is your parents not yours. No hurt feelings, no recriminations, no blame. It also puts whoever is trying to stir up trouble on the defensive if they continue on trying to make a mountain out of a freaking molehill. Such is family. Be strong Re: Returning home tony: I'm not clear what e-mail your mom's responding to, but she's continuing to engage you, which is what she wants. It's almost like she thinks she can lead you inside by holding out a cookie -- Depending on what e-mail she's responding to, I would leave it at this -- it's noise. BPD noise. (That " perhaps you misunderstood " is a CLASSIC BPD gaslighting response!) I'd send that long, well thought out e-mail in response to this -- I wouldn't change a thing. Then, I wouldn't respond any more. She's trying to make you explain yourself -- as if she's an authority over you, and she's not. That's why I wanted to clarify what she's responding to -- if you haven't sent that good, long e-mail, send it and be done with this. If she keeps at it, send a brief, " I've explained where I stand on this. I can't say any more. " Quit engaging -- draw your boundaries then clam up. As long as she's engaging you, her adrenaline's up and the game is on! They LIVE for the game! Walk away after you make your opinions clear. Adults don't have to overexplain their position. Your mother's trying to make you a child again. Don't focus on what she wrote -- it's just noise. Take a breath and don't let her pull your strings. State your case and then pull back. Your words will have more effect if you keep the explanations to a minimum. And that " perhaps you misunderstood " is total crap. You aren't misunderstanding ANYTHING. Being disinvited to your grandmother' s birthday doesn't leave much to be misunderstood -- the message was loud and clear: emotional blackmail. Stop tangling with her. Pull back after making your position clear. -Kyla > > > > > > Well, > > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > > to them before i left. > > > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that > my > > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to > my > > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he > would > > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting > upset > > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want > to > > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to > make > > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i > get > > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the > family > > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my > dad > > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from > 7- > > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, > and > > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on > wednesday > > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing.. i > > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > > keeping me from seeing my > > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > > suggestions? > > > > > > Thanks, > > > T > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 What Jane points out here is an extremely telling point. The tension is in the build up to the event, once the event happens and everyone does what they are going to do it dissapates quite quickly. Family. Can't live with them, can't bury them up to their necks in a fire ant bed. Sigh. What is a child to do? :-) Take care hon. Re: Re: Returning home I agree with Kyla. I would not see your mother for dinner. I would not give in to her control. I also throught of emailing your mother a response to her last letter (I hope it was an email) and cc: your cousin on your response. This way everyone will see how your parent's are behaving if you leave their email attached to your response. Since your mother doesn't feel her letter was inappropriate then she shouldn't mind everyone reading it. kylaboo728 <kylaboo728@ yahoo. com> wrote: tony -- I would seriously put off seeing your mother until you feel stronger and are able to withstand their self-serving, personality disordered " noise " ..... Your posts indicate you're too enmeshed and, perhaps afraid (?) of them. I'd wait until I felt stronger and more coated with teflon before I walked back into the lion's den. Your mother will try and bog you down in " issues " and situations and ignore the larger theme of them playing emotional hardball with you. It just doesn't strike me that you won't be blown about by their wind......You need to gather strength first. -Kyla > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > to them before i left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 I wouldn't send this to your parents, but would reply to cousin with,  Thanks so much for trying to help make a peaceful night between my parents and I. However, this is not your responsibility and there is no need for time slots. I will be attending the event and I thank you for the invitation. We feel blessed to be able to be there for your night... ....something along those lines. Take the responsibility off them and let them simply know if you will attend or not. I think it's important for you to be there to demonstrate your purpose to be there for your family no matter what and to demonstrate to your parents that they do not call the shots in your life. After that, refuse to take ANY blame for what your parents decide to do or not to do. No baggage from anyone needs to be at that event.  Take Care Of You, JaneSoul Re: Returning home BAD ASS EMAIL. also, it's great how you highlighted that your parents don't get to decide who other people invite to a party. totally true. bink > > > > > > > > Well, > > > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > > > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > > > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > > > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > > > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > > > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > > > to them before i left. > > > > > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > > > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > > > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > > > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > > > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that > > my > > > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > > > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > > > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > > > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > > > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > > > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > > > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > > > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > > > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > > > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > > > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to > > my > > > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he > > would > > > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > > > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > > > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > > > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting > > upset > > > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > > > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > > > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want > > to > > > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to > > make > > > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > > > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i > > get > > > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > > > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the > > family > > > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my > > dad > > > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > > > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from > > 7- > > > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, > > and > > > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on > > wednesday > > > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > > > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > > > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > > > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > > > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > > > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > > > keeping me from seeing my > > > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > > > suggestions? > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > T > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2008 Report Share Posted July 17, 2008 I would stop replying to any of your mother's emails. If your cousin's expect you to go in shifts, I would tell your cousin you are not comfortable being placed on a time schedule due to your parent's problem of acting appropriately. Either you go to the party for the entire time or don't go at all. If your mother wants to foster a relationship with you, she should be thrilled with seeing you at any time -- that's it. There should be no conditions on how and when you meet with your mother. Her behavior is really beyond ridiculous!!! Of course you misunderstood her, her ideas and opinions change by the second. tony messina wrote: I feel bad asking you all for so much advice, but I feel so trapped right now, and do not know what to do. I got a reply from my mom, and to me it seems very harsh, and where she says they are willing to go at my pace and my way, but in the same sentence tells me that doing it over the phone and family gatherings is not the way to do it. I could really use some unbiased advice on how to handle this. I am getting so sick of dealing with this crap, i just want it to go away, or fix itself (which i know will not happen unfortunatly). I am seriously considering moving to Italy now so i can just get away from all of this, but i suppose we cannot run away from our problems. Here is the email i recieved from my mom: Dear Tony, Perhaps you misunderstood what I was saying in my other email. I never stated or implied about rushing into resuming a regular relationship. I am well aware that the reconciliation we work on could take quite a while. I am quite content with taking this at whatever pace you feel comfortable doing so, but it can’t be exclusively on the phone or at family gatherings. I guess you are forcing us to go to Christie’s in split shifts, and we would appreciate it if you honor the families request to do so. We won’t remedy our situation if the only time we communicate is on the phone, and the only time we see each other is at family affairs, that is hardly the time to spend quality time talking and chatting about things in our personal lives (not of the past.) I don’t understand the problem with this, if as you say, you want to regain our relationship ‘badly’. Perhaps you can explain, I’m not understanding how you intend for this to move forward. What feelings are stirred up now? I was looking forward very much to seeing you, talking and looking at your pictures from Italy. I’m certainly saddened again by your decision, which hurts me for reasons I don’t understand.. Love, MomPS… For your information, if you feel better and should be done with work early, I’d still meet you for a last minute dinner. Thanks everyone for your help so far!! T Re: Re: Returning home I agree with Kyla. I would not see your mother for dinner. I would not give in to her control. I also throught of emailing your mother a response to her last letter (I hope it was an email) and cc: your cousin on your response. This way everyone will see how your parent's are behaving if you leave their email attached to your response. Since your mother doesn't feel her letter was inappropriate then she shouldn't mind everyone reading it. kylaboo728 <kylaboo728yahoo (DOT) com> wrote: tony -- I would seriously put off seeing your mother until you feel stronger and are able to withstand their self-serving, personality disordered " noise " ..... Your posts indicate you're too enmeshed and, perhaps afraid (?) of them. I'd wait until I felt stronger and more coated with teflon before I walked back into the lion's den. Your mother will try and bog you down in " issues " and situations and ignore the larger theme of them playing emotional hardball with you. It just doesn't strike me that you won't be blown about by their wind......You need to gather strength first. -Kyla > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > to them before i left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2008 Report Share Posted July 17, 2008 Well since I have let you all in on all of my moves with this drama, I will continue to do so. I emailed my cousin an email last night: Hey , > First off we want to let you know we understand what an extremely > unfair situation that you have been put in, and that it has to be very > frustrating for you. As I stated to my dad, any further issues about > family gatherings should be handled directly between my parents and I. > We understand you are trying to help things, but this is not a > position you need to be in. > > Send our love to the rest of the bunch. > > Love, > Tony & Becca And then she responded with: Hey Tony, No frustration, it is a situation I have put myself in. I completely understand why it would be difficult, considering the circumstances, for you all to be there at the same time. AR had the idea to have the " shifts " and I thought it was a good idea, especially since then everyone that means so much to Christie would be present. The reason I got involved was because it is a party that I am hosting and I dont want any hurt feelings, and I want to make sure everyone knows they are welcome. Finally I feel a bit of responsibility to make sure the party remains a joyous time for Christie and . It is definetly not anything anyone " asked " me to do. I think it is a great idea for you and parents to handle " family gatherings " but unlike most of our gatherings this one needs a head count. With that being said I hope to see you guys there, please let me know. If you are coming I assume it will be from 7-8:30, or whatever you and your parent's decide. I love you Then I ended up sending my parents the email to my parents, with no reply yet. I know my cousin addressed again the " shifts " but i feel like i should not discuss this with her anymore, it is between my parents and I. IF, my parents try to talk to me about it, I will tell them it is ridiculous, if they do not talk to me about it, I will go the entire time, and if they try to tell me what time to go, I may just do it so i keep the peace in the family, but i am definitly choosing the time I want to go, and not letting them make that decision. Thanks for all your help thus far, and let the drama continue T Re: Returning home My BPD mom is a prime example: HUGE drama junkie. Rushes to hospital bedsides (missed my college graduation to do that), jumps right in to family squabbles, sees conspiracies everywhere.. .. Even her choice of reading material -- true crime books -- shows her penchant for dark drama. -Kyla > > > > I am suspicious of the motives of the cousin, although she may > mean > > well to some extent my own family is full of drama junkies, being > a > > family (well at least on my dad's side, my mother's side, although > > there are definitely issues, is populated by people who are a bit > > more capable of going out and having their own lives and being > happy > > and not miserable or feeding off of each other's misery...many of > > them seem genuinely close and happy to be around each other and > > truly glad for each other when something good happens) ...sorry > for > > the digression; being a family that spawned bpd/npd types as far > as > > the eyes could see. So anyway, what happens on the paternal side > is > > there is alot of back-stabbing and character defaming but only > > behind the backs of people although you can always 'read' the > energy > > in the room and know you have been talked about. Everyone on that > > side of the family is so truly miserable in their own lives, and > > feels so bad about themselves, that they get a bit of 'high' off > of > > drama that other family members may have, if only because it makes > > them feel better about themselves. It was very hard for me to see > > these people in their true light when it finally became clear to > me > > what was going on. One cousin in particular that is less than a > year > > younger than me that I was close to growing up, and whom I have > been > > the ONLY defender of throughout her adolescence which was very > > rocky, and the only one who supported her many times, got in on > the > > family drama repeatedly and I realize now did not only not defend > me > > but sided with the parents, aunts, and uncles and betrayed me, > which > > really hurt considering the amount of times I had shut down > > discussions about her behavior by speaking up in her defense (when > > she wasn't in the room). I know she feels so bad about herself > that > > any family drama like this is a distraction from her own low- self- > > esteem and problem relationships and you have to tread very > > carefully around people like this in your family because they are > > always willing to make things worse for you in an attempt to put > > themselves in a better light. Sometimes it's just hard to see that > > is going on. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2008 Report Share Posted July 17, 2008 Thanks Kyla, i have you and everyone on this board to thank for helping me through this!!! Re: Returning home Yes, I'd drop my cousin from any further discussion on this -- she gave the usual " I'm just trying to be a good host, etc. " when, in actuality, she's doing just what everybody here (including you) suspects she's doing: getting involved for her own reasons. Good e-mail to her -- I wouldn't address it any more. And, on the day of the party, since the party will already be planned and she will have other things to do, you don't have to follow her dictates of appearing in your assigned shift -- I would use that time to make a statement: show up outside the bounds of your shift! If anyone is rude enough to bring it up, just say " I never agreed to show up in a shift -- I didn't agree with that idea. Aren't we here to honor ? " Yep, your cousin's a drama junkie. I'd ignore her reply. Your e- mail to her was great. Let it be your stand. Good job. Go ahead and join the " Proud Moment " thread anytime you like -- because you keep triumphing over your own panicked e-mails. GOOD FOR YOU! -Kyla > > > > > > I am suspicious of the motives of the cousin, although she may > > mean > > > well to some extent my own family is full of drama junkies, > being > > a > > > family (well at least on my dad's side, my mother's side, > although > > > there are definitely issues, is populated by people who are a > bit > > > more capable of going out and having their own lives and being > > happy > > > and not miserable or feeding off of each other's misery...many > of > > > them seem genuinely close and happy to be around each other and > > > truly glad for each other when something good happens) ...sorry > > for > > > the digression; being a family that spawned bpd/npd types as far > > as > > > the eyes could see. So anyway, what happens on the paternal side > > is > > > there is alot of back-stabbing and character defaming but only > > > behind the backs of people although you can always 'read' the > > energy > > > in the room and know you have been talked about. Everyone on > that > > > side of the family is so truly miserable in their own lives, and > > > feels so bad about themselves, that they get a bit of 'high' off > > of > > > drama that other family members may have, if only because it > makes > > > them feel better about themselves. It was very hard for me to > see > > > these people in their true light when it finally became clear to > > me > > > what was going on. One cousin in particular that is less than a > > year > > > younger than me that I was close to growing up, and whom I have > > been > > > the ONLY defender of throughout her adolescence which was very > > > rocky, and the only one who supported her many times, got in on > > the > > > family drama repeatedly and I realize now did not only not > defend > > me > > > but sided with the parents, aunts, and uncles and betrayed me, > > which > > > really hurt considering the amount of times I had shut down > > > discussions about her behavior by speaking up in her defense > (when > > > she wasn't in the room). I know she feels so bad about herself > > that > > > any family drama like this is a distraction from her own low- > self- > > > esteem and problem relationships and you have to tread very > > > carefully around people like this in your family because they > are > > > always willing to make things worse for you in an attempt to put > > > themselves in a better light. Sometimes it's just hard to see > that > > > is going on. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2008 Report Share Posted July 17, 2008 If a head count is all she needs, tell her you will be there and leave it at that. Nuff said. Good luck. Re: Returning home My BPD mom is a prime example: HUGE drama junkie.. Rushes to hospital bedsides (missed my college graduation to do that), jumps right in to family squabbles, sees conspiracies everywhere.. ... Even her choice of reading material -- true crime books -- shows her penchant for dark drama. -Kyla > > > > I am suspicious of the motives of the cousin, although she may > mean > > well to some extent my own family is full of drama junkies, being > a > > family (well at least on my dad's side, my mother's side, although > > there are definitely issues, is populated by people who are a bit > > more capable of going out and having their own lives and being > happy > > and not miserable or feeding off of each other's misery...many of > > them seem genuinely close and happy to be around each other and > > truly glad for each other when something good happens) ...sorry > for > > the digression; being a family that spawned bpd/npd types as far > as > > the eyes could see. So anyway, what happens on the paternal side > is > > there is alot of back-stabbing and character defaming but only > > behind the backs of people although you can always 'read' the > energy > > in the room and know you have been talked about. Everyone on that > > side of the family is so truly miserable in their own lives, and > > feels so bad about themselves, that they get a bit of 'high' off > of > > drama that other family members may have, if only because it makes > > them feel better about themselves. It was very hard for me to see > > these people in their true light when it finally became clear to > me > > what was going on. One cousin in particular that is less than a > year > > younger than me that I was close to growing up, and whom I have > been > > the ONLY defender of throughout her adolescence which was very > > rocky, and the only one who supported her many times, got in on > the > > family drama repeatedly and I realize now did not only not defend > me > > but sided with the parents, aunts, and uncles and betrayed me, > which > > really hurt considering the amount of times I had shut down > > discussions about her behavior by speaking up in her defense (when > > she wasn't in the room). I know she feels so bad about herself > that > > any family drama like this is a distraction from her own low- self- > > esteem and problem relationships and you have to tread very > > carefully around people like this in your family because they are > > always willing to make things worse for you in an attempt to put > > themselves in a better light. Sometimes it's just hard to see that > > is going on. > > >      Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2008 Report Share Posted July 17, 2008 Tony, Good for you for coming to a conclusion on the situation. Keep your chin up and honor yourseld and family. I admire your demeanor and character and it seems to me you are doing what is truly right by you while respecting others. Hats off!  Take Care Of You, JaneSoul Re: Returning home My BPD mom is a prime example: HUGE drama junkie. Rushes to hospital bedsides (missed my college graduation to do that), jumps right in to family squabbles, sees conspiracies everywhere.. .. Even her choice of reading material -- true crime books -- shows her penchant for dark drama. -Kyla > > > > I am suspicious of the motives of the cousin, although she may > mean > > well to some extent my own family is full of drama junkies, being > a > > family (well at least on my dad's side, my mother's side, although > > there are definitely issues, is populated by people who are a bit > > more capable of going out and having their own lives and being > happy > > and not miserable or feeding off of each other's misery...many of > > them seem genuinely close and happy to be around each other and > > truly glad for each other when something good happens) ...sorry > for > > the digression; being a family that spawned bpd/npd types as far > as > > the eyes could see. So anyway, what happens on the paternal side > is > > there is alot of back-stabbing and character defaming but only > > behind the backs of people although you can always 'read' the > energy > > in the room and know you have been talked about. Everyone on that > > side of the family is so truly miserable in their own lives, and > > feels so bad about themselves, that they get a bit of 'high' off > of > > drama that other family members may have, if only because it makes > > them feel better about themselves. It was very hard for me to see > > these people in their true light when it finally became clear to > me > > what was going on. One cousin in particular that is less than a > year > > younger than me that I was close to growing up, and whom I have > been > > the ONLY defender of throughout her adolescence which was very > > rocky, and the only one who supported her many times, got in on > the > > family drama repeatedly and I realize now did not only not defend > me > > but sided with the parents, aunts, and uncles and betrayed me, > which > > really hurt considering the amount of times I had shut down > > discussions about her behavior by speaking up in her defense (when > > she wasn't in the room). I know she feels so bad about herself > that > > any family drama like this is a distraction from her own low- self- > > esteem and problem relationships and you have to tread very > > carefully around people like this in your family because they are > > always willing to make things worse for you in an attempt to put > > themselves in a better light. Sometimes it's just hard to see that > > is going on. > > >      Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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