Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 Sic 'em Kyla. Spot on Chick. Re: Returning home More scenario: Your aunt said that your dad " doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. " Oh, really? And to start building this relationship with his son, he has an aunt call to disinvite him to a family party? Doesn't that make your bullshit meter go off? If your dad really wanted to build a relationship with you, he'd start at your grandmother' s birthday party and go from there -- not DISINVITE YOU THROUGH A 3rd PARTY -- That's a squeeze play, Tony -- trying to force you to his will. " He started crying and asked if i want to have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make this work. " Except that he HASN'T done anything proactive toward you to let you know he wants a relationship. He's passive-aggressivel y trying to force you to just do it his way, without him having to meet you halfway. Oh, and my mother uses tears when she wants to hijack the relationship negotiations -- basically when she wants to hijack ANY conversation, she reverts to tears. They ensure that the party on the other side looks cruel if they don't give in to her. Oh, and the " party shift " solution to your cousin's engagement party is TOO RIDICULOUS -- You should simply state " Am I invited to the party, or not? " does your cousin want you there? Then GO -- without any preconditions. What a narcissistic thing for your father to do by commandeering parties and making the hosts accommodate his comfort zone regarding their guests. Honestly! This is becoming less about celebrating your cousin's engagement, and more about indulging your father's need for a pity party! The focus on the day of the party ought to be your engaged cousin! If I were the engaged person, I'd really resent my party being used that way! If I were you, I'd politely ignore the e-mail, speak directly to your cousin, and say you're looking forward to a great time congratulating him/her. Then, when at the party, if anyone brings up the feud, I'd cut them off with a polite -- " This isn't the time for that, we're here to celebrate 's engagement -- let's leave all that behind for now. " And change the subject, or move on...... As far as running out before your dad gets there? NOT A CHANCE. That's demeaning and I wouldn't be a party to my own humiliation. Your dad has upped the ante. He hasn't changed -- he's playing you. -Kyla > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > to them before i left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > things, and started bringing things up again.. He kept getting upset > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 Any suggestions on how to reply to this? Thanks for all your input thus far!! Hi Tony, I realize that this is not your choosing, and you don’t have any problem with all of us being together. I hope you can understand why we do not wish to participate at family/group functions together, unless we are also pro-actively resuming our relationship with you on an individual basis as well? We feel strongly that family functions and group gatherings are not a way for us to forge ahead in re-establishing and maintaining a true family relationship from this point forward. Dad and I will be very happy of course in ALL of us being together at a function, provided that all of our goals continue to be to see each other in small family settings, as well as on individual basis as well? I need to know you are in agreement with what I’ve just stated before we can make our final decision about Christie’s party, as well as any other future family gatherings. I’d also like to mention that this agreement of course is based on the understanding that none of us will do something to cause a new problem in the relationship. Barring the unforeseen, and that you state you are also in agreement with what I’ve stated, then I think we can and should all be present at the same time as a family on this very special occasion for Christie and . Love, Mom Re: Returning home Oh jeeze Tony.......this is such crap!!! I'm just amazed that your aunt got invoved in your family BS and that your dad went that far to pull ranks. This crap happens in my family as well. Its like all the books say....we are given a position or rank in the family and if we dare set boundaries or have a different way of seeing things then we are attacked. My nada is classic in shoving shit under the rug......its ok for her to bring up the past and shove it up your nose but by God no one else dare!!! I think your dad just is seeing how many hoops you will jump through to forgive and forget and forget...... they want back in your life without having to look at themselves or without having to change themselves. They are looking to you to get back into rank.....to shut up and put up as for the sake of " family " . Its kind of like beating a dog into submission.. ..Oh I could scream...... drlingirl > > Well, > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye to them before i left. > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make this work, and i told him i dont know, > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and keeping me from seeing my > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? > > Thanks, > T > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 Your attendance at family gatherings and your relationship with your parents are 2 very different things. If you are invited and want to go, then go...end of story. There should not be all this triangulation within the family. You are either invited or not and will either go or not regardless of others. Too much energy is being out into this situation by your other family members....who's invited, who's going, when each will be there, etc. All are adults here and the behavior needs to demonstrate that, which is so far from what is currently happening. The only people that need to know that you will grace them with your presence are those who invited you. And without discussion of times. You will get there when it works for you and they can be grateful that you made it to your function. Your parents can make their own decisions based on their motives and not use you as a scapegoat. Let them be responsible for their own decisions. PERIOD! Take Care Of You, JaneSoul Re: Returning home Oh jeeze Tony.......this is such crap!!! I'm just amazed that your aunt got invoved in your family BS and that your dad went that far to pull ranks. This crap happens in my family as well. Its like all the books say....we are given a position or rank in the family and if we dare set boundaries or have a different way of seeing things then we are attacked. My nada is classic in shoving shit under the rug......its ok for her to bring up the past and shove it up your nose but by God no one else dare!!! I think your dad just is seeing how many hoops you will jump through to forgive and forget and forget...... they want back in your life without having to look at themselves or without having to change themselves. They are looking to you to get back into rank.....to shut up and put up as for the sake of " family " . Its kind of like beating a dog into submission.. ..Oh I could scream...... drlingirl > > Well, > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye to them before i left. > > Well.....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make this work, and i told him i dont know, > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and keeping me from seeing my > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? > > Thanks, > T > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 Good response (letter) QZ! Take Care Of You, JaneSoul Re: Returning home So basically, both your parents are trying to blackmail you into spending time with them on their terms. If you don't " resume " your relationship with them when they want and to the extent that they want, they will either refuse to appear at family functions or more likely pressure you directly or indirectly into abstaining from family functions. By threatening to oust you from your own extended family, they're saying " my way or the highway. " This is neither reasonable nor compassionate. Quite the opposite, it's pretty disrespectful of your needs and feelings. They're letting you know loud and clear that they don't care whether you want to attend extended family events, they don't care how often you want to spend time with them. Not only that, they're predicating this whole thing on " none of us causing a problem in this new relationship. " So if your wife wants to spend a quiet weekend with you but your parents want you to come over, would your wife be " causing a problem " in the " new relationship " ? You bet. And then guess who'll be punished? You don't deserve this kind of nonsense. Here's what I might say in response: Dear Mom, I am glad you are interested in being together. As you know, family functions are intended for all members of the family. As such, asking family members to exclude particular members of the family is counter-productive and runs counter to the spirit and purpose of a family function. If you would like to attend family functions to which we are all invited, by all means please do. I am sorry if you feel pained at seeing us at a joint family function. Considering that you are interested in continuing our relationship, I would imagine you would be glad to see me rather than pained. However, you are entitled to your feelings. I would appreciate your courtesy and sensitivity in not involving extended family members in your decision to attend functions or not. This decision is, as I said, entirely up to you and unrelated to our extended family. qwerty > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible.. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > to them before i left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 Kyla, I couldn't have put it better. You rock chick. Tony, This is a blatant power play and not a very good one at that. The condesending tone really got the hairs on the back of my neck up. I second every thing that Kyla just said, it was outstanding. All I would offer is that you tell your parents that what they choose to do or not do is entirely up to them and is solely their choice. You have no part in it. If they are serious about building a relationship, then they should have no problem celebrating family events WITH you. This is sad and pathetic. I feel for you and I know how much this hurts and how discouraging it is. But they are adults and so are you, you do what is best for you and DON'T let them call the shots. As for the family, you cannot control their behavior. Here is what I suspect will happen. Your extrememly dysfunctional parents will sit out several family events that you will be going to. They will gripe and grumble about it. They will try to make YOU out to be the bad guy, but in the end will end up looking childish. Remember this is their loss not yours. They are choosing to sit out family functions, they have no right to tell you what to do anymore. If you want to see Grandma, YOU GO SEE GRANDMA. Everyone is afraid that there will be a big scene, they won't get it from you. Bite your tounge everytime some member of the family butts in, and smile a little smile and reply, " Well you know Mom and Dad are getting up in the years, I just make allowances for their eccentricies and move on. " Pretty soon they are going to be all over the next few events like 3 year olds, because they don't want to miss out. The hard part is yours. Waiting for the scenairo to play itself out. In fact the next time they tell you that they hope you " understand " why they are putting you through this, tell them " I understand perfectly " and leave it at that. In truth you do. Do not cut yourself off from your family unless that is what is best for you. Take care. Be strong Re: Returning home Tony: See my comments interspersed into your mother's letter: > > Any suggestions on how to reply to this? Thanks for all your input thus far!! > > > > Hi Tony, > > I realize that this is not your choosing, and you don't > have any problem with all of us being together. I hope you can understand why > we do not wish to participate at family/group functions together, unless we are > also pro-actively resuming our relationship with you on an individual basis as > well? We feel strongly that family functions and group gatherings are not a way > for us to forge ahead in re-establishing and maintaining a true family > relationship from this point forward. [Tony, you can also feel STRONGLY that peoples' celebrations aren't to be hijacked and misused to serve someone else's agenda, and to force you to act the way they want you to. And how ridiculous is her logic? That family functions are NOT a place where you can improve your relationship? This whole paragraph is ridiculous and self-serving. There's really no answer to that pretzel logic.] > > Dad and I will be very happy of course in ALL of us being together > at a function, provided that all of our goals continue to be to see each > other in small family settings, as well as on individual basis as well? [Huh? Is that blackmail? It doesn't even really make sense.] > > I need to know you are in agreement with what I've just > stated before we can make our final decision about Christie's party, as > well as any other future family gatherings. [What exactly did she just say? That you can't state your boundaries? I'm surprised she didn't make a list of acceptable behavior she will demand from you.] > > I'd also like to mention that this agreement of course > is based on the understanding that none of us will do something to cause a new problem in the relationship. Barring the unforeseen, and that you state you are > also in agreement with what I've stated, then I think we can and > should all be present at the same time as a family on this very special occasion > for Christie and . [Yes, you CAN AND SHOULD BE PRESENT AT THE SAME TIME AS A FAMILY FOR CHRISTIE AND BRIAN, and GRANDMA -- WITHOUT MAKING EXTORTIONIST DEMANDS!] > > > Love, Mom >>>>> Tony -- This is filled with booby traps. Note how she keeps her role in rebuilding the relationship quite ambiguous. It seems like she thinks she's triumphed by dis-inviting you to two parties -- so she's casting herself as the benevolent peacemaker and offering you ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in exchange for you just reverting back to being her obedient lapdog. I would respond briefly and to the point: that parties aren't to be hijacked to serve other people's agendas and you won't be a party to that; that you're a family member and see no reason why you should be cut out of family celebrations, but if that's how the party hosts feel, there's not much you can do about it (message: their choices to uninvite me are unfortunate, but I'll go on with my life). Your parents don't have the power to keep you away from the rest of the family. They can't dangle that as an inducement to act like they want you to. If the rest of the family goes along with their wishes, THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. THEY ARE AS SICK AS YOUR PARENTS, AND YOU CAN'T PAY OFF YOUR BLACKMAILERS. > > Do you think and want you at their engagement party? Were you invited? Then GO! My therapist helped me when I had to walk into my dad's retirement party and I was afraid my mother would corner me and boo hoo about her mother's recent passing. My therapist told me " Remember why you're there -- to honor your dad, not to be used by your mother for her emotional needs. " By the same token, remember the purpose of the celebration, and ignore your parents' attempts to use them for emotional blackmail. If your aunt chose to do your dad's dirty work and disrespect your grandmother by disinviting you then SHAME ON HER. She's as wrong as your dad, but again, there's nothing you can do about what behaviors people choose. You can only call it what it is, and move on with your own life. You've got a nest of personality disordered family members, my friend. It's always good not to get all bogged down in details, and just remember that the overriding principle is they won't take responsibility, and they obviously aren't changing. It really has nothing to do with engagement parties, birthday parties, who's driving, dogs vs. cats, blondes vs. brunettes, or any other intricate issue they try to throw your way to get your attention. Keep your eyes on the ball -- they're still emotionally blackmailing you. I'd keep any response brief and just address that you're going to the party because you wish to honor your cousin and you were invited by your cousin. As for the other things, you can tell your mother " If you and dad are truly interested in building a relationship with me, they'll have polite, warm, loving interactions with me when we see each other. We'll respect each others right to live our own lives. " If you try to get bogged down in arguing every point, you've given them a lot of what they wanted: to get you on the defensive (a subordinate position to them) and to get you talking. Just keep it brief and to the point -- that you hope to see them there and look forward to the party. -Kyla > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 Spot on. Re: Returning home So basically, both your parents are trying to blackmail you into spending time with them on their terms. If you don't " resume " your relationship with them when they want and to the extent that they want, they will either refuse to appear at family functions or more likely pressure you directly or indirectly into abstaining from family functions. By threatening to oust you from your own extended family, they're saying " my way or the highway. " This is neither reasonable nor compassionate. Quite the opposite, it's pretty disrespectful of your needs and feelings. They're letting you know loud and clear that they don't care whether you want to attend extended family events, they don't care how often you want to spend time with them. Not only that, they're predicating this whole thing on " none of us causing a problem in this new relationship. " So if your wife wants to spend a quiet weekend with you but your parents want you to come over, would your wife be " causing a problem " in the " new relationship " ? You bet. And then guess who'll be punished? You don't deserve this kind of nonsense. Here's what I might say in response: Dear Mom, I am glad you are interested in being together. As you know, family functions are intended for all members of the family. As such, asking family members to exclude particular members of the family is counter-productive and runs counter to the spirit and purpose of a family function. If you would like to attend family functions to which we are all invited, by all means please do. I am sorry if you feel pained at seeing us at a joint family function. Considering that you are interested in continuing our relationship, I would imagine you would be glad to see me rather than pained. However, you are entitled to your feelings. I would appreciate your courtesy and sensitivity in not involving extended family members in your decision to attend functions or not. This decision is, as I said, entirely up to you and unrelated to our extended family. qwerty > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > to them before i left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > things have been getting better.. she says that he doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > things, and started bringing things up again.. He kept getting upset > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2008 Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 Tony, I hate to say this, but seriously, I would ignore them. I'd skip the next couple parties and go see the people you want to see. I'd let them know by saying nothing that their blackmail isn't working. Youve said what you have to say and they are upping the ante and trying to get you to emotionally engage. I'd say nothing and play a couple of games of raquetball or basketball in the time you would have spent, or do something else that you love soooo much you completely forget they exist. I swear that when you forget they exist, they can feel it inside their narcissitic membranes. > Spot on. > > > > Re: Returning home > > > So basically, both your parents are trying to blackmail you into > spending time with them on their terms. If you don't " resume " your > relationship with them when they want and to the extent that they > want, they will either refuse to appear at family functions or more > likely pressure you directly or indirectly into abstaining from family > functions. By threatening to oust you from your own extended family, > they're saying " my way or the highway. " > > This is neither reasonable nor compassionate. Quite the opposite, it's > pretty disrespectful of your needs and feelings. They're letting you > know loud and clear that they don't care whether you want to attend > extended family events, they don't care how often you want to spend > time with them. Not only that, they're predicating this whole thing on > " none of us causing a problem in this new relationship. " So if your > wife wants to spend a quiet weekend with you but your parents want you > to come over, would your wife be " causing a problem " in the " new > relationship " ? You bet. And then guess who'll be punished? > > You don't deserve this kind of nonsense. Here's what I might say in > response: > > Dear Mom, > > I am glad you are interested in being together. As you know, family > functions are intended for all members of the family. As such, asking > family members to exclude particular members of the family is > counter-productive and runs counter to the spirit and purpose of a > family function. If you would like to attend family functions to which > we are all invited, by all means please do. I am sorry if you feel > pained at seeing us at a joint family function. Considering that you > are interested in continuing our relationship, I would imagine you > would be glad to see me rather than pained. However, you are entitled > to your feelings. I would appreciate your courtesy and sensitivity in > not involving extended family members in your decision to attend > functions or not. This decision is, as I said, entirely up to you and > unrelated to our extended family. > > qwerty > > > > > > > > Well, > > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > > to them before i left. > > > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > > things have been getting better.. she says that he doesnt want a > > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > > things, and started bringing things up again.. He kept getting upset > > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > > keeping me from seeing my > > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > > suggestions? > > > > > > Thanks, > > > T > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 Tony, I would reply with the following: " Dear Mom, I will be attending Christie's party. It is your decision whether or not you choose to attend. We are all adults here and should not be giving ultimatiums concerning another family member's party. I find this behavior of yours very inappropriate, controlling, and selfish on your part. It appears that you have lost sight of the importance of family. Sincerely, Tony " tony messina wrote: Any suggestions on how to reply to this? Thanks for all your input thus far!! Hi Tony, I realize that this is not your choosing, and you don’t have any problem with all of us being together. I hope you can understand why we do not wish to participate at family/group functions together, unless we are also pro-actively resuming our relationship with you on an individual basis as well? We feel strongly that family functions and group gatherings are not a way for us to forge ahead in re-establishing and maintaining a true family relationship from this point forward. Dad and I will be very happy of course in ALL of us being together at a function, provided that all of our goals continue to be to see each other in small family settings, as well as on individual basis as well? I need to know you are in agreement with what I’ve just stated before we can make our final decision about Christie’s party, as well as any other future family gatherings. I’d also like to mention that this agreement of course is based on the understanding that none of us will do something to cause a new problem in the relationship. Barring the unforeseen, and that you state you are also in agreement with what I’ve stated, then I think we can and should all be present at the same time as a family on this very special occasion for Christie and . Love, Mom Re: Returning home Oh jeeze Tony.......this is such crap!!! I'm just amazed that your aunt got invoved in your family BS and that your dad went that far to pull ranks. This crap happens in my family as well. Its like all the books say....we are given a position or rank in the family and if we dare set boundaries or have a different way of seeing things then we are attacked. My nada is classic in shoving shit under the rug......its ok for her to bring up the past and shove it up your nose but by God no one else dare!!! I think your dad just is seeing how many hoops you will jump through to forgive and forget and forget...... they want back in your life without having to look at themselves or without having to change themselves. They are looking to you to get back into rank.....to shut up and put up as for the sake of " family " . Its kind of like beating a dog into submission.. ..Oh I could scream...... drlingirl > > Well, > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye to them before i left. > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make this work, and i told him i dont know, > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and keeping me from seeing my > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? > > Thanks, > T > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 Thank you everyone that has helped me through this. I feel like just when i think i am getting my life together, and things are going ok, my parents find a way to suck me right back down. Right now I am going back and forth between sending a short response, or not sending anything at all. Another problem I have, is I already set up meeting my mom for dinner tomorrow night to show her my vacation pictures, before any of this happend i set this up, and now i am wondering if I should still go and just not mention anything about this email, or cancel on her, which i know will cause more drama. Once again, I am put in a situation that i feel backed into with no clear escape. Thanks again to everyones support, this group has seriously been a life saver over the last year. Tony Re: Returning home Oh jeeze Tony.......this is such crap!!! I'm just amazed that your aunt got invoved in your family BS and that your dad went that far to pull ranks. This crap happens in my family as well. Its like all the books say....we are given a position or rank in the family and if we dare set boundaries or have a different way of seeing things then we are attacked. My nada is classic in shoving shit under the rug......its ok for her to bring up the past and shove it up your nose but by God no one else dare!!! I think your dad just is seeing how many hoops you will jump through to forgive and forget and forget...... they want back in your life without having to look at themselves or without having to change themselves. They are looking to you to get back into rank.....to shut up and put up as for the sake of " family " . Its kind of like beating a dog into submission.. ..Oh I could scream...... drlingirl > > Well, > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye to them before i left. > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make this work, and i told him i dont know, > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and keeping me from seeing my > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? > > Thanks, > T > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 This is to Bink - I " m too lazy to find the old thread. So you said yesterday that your best friend didn't return your calls for a week and a half and so you went to his house. Now, I think that is weird on HIS end, not yours. Why wouldn't he take your calls? I don't think you did anything wrong, but if you are really close to them you should at least text back and say " can't talk, I'm out of town " or explain what's up. My best friends all know in advance when I'm going to be out of pocket for a while. But if they didn't know, I'd text them and tell them or send a note or something. Just wanted you to consider the other side. On Tue, Jul 15, 2008 at 9:59 AM, bink1227 wrote: > holy crap your parents are completely insane and your family is > enabling them. if it were me, and this is just me, i wouldn't have > even responded to that aunt's voice mail. > > this is especially crazy since i remember your grandmother wanting you > to work it out with your father so badly. this really pisses me off. > i wouldn't even respond to your cousin's email and then just show up > whenever you want to. your dad just wants more and more and more and > it's ridiculous! it's ok to see you BEFORE the party, but not DURING > the party? WTF?!?! THIS MAKES NO SENSE!!! > > bink > > > > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my mom > i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk periodically, > as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye to them before i > left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt it > would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my dad > says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more important > to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is coming from, > cause my dad and I have been talking recently and things have been > getting better. she says that he doesnt want a relationship with his > son that he only sees him at family get togethers, he wants more then > that. So after much discussion with my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would not > go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting things > back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my grandmas > thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would be willing > to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to forget everything > that has happend. I told him that last time we tried doing that, that > they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " things, and started > bringing things up again. He kept getting upset and saying he doesnt > understand why i am mad at him when it was my mom that did most of the > wrongs. he did apologize for barging into my house, but that was it. > He started crying and asked if i want to have a relationship with > him, and he will do anything for me to make this work, and i told him > i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was an > email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so they > want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7-8:30, > and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and i dont > know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday to show > her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know how to > handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get things > back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i guess the > reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual write me an > apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. and i want to > just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 Tony, Do you think, if she doesn't get any response, that she would cancel your dinner date out of discomfort? Has she cancels things in similar situations before? Take Care Of You, JaneSoul Re: Returning home Oh jeeze Tony.......this is such crap!!! I'm just amazed that your aunt got invoved in your family BS and that your dad went that far to pull ranks. This crap happens in my family as well. Its like all the books say.....we are given a position or rank in the family and if we dare set boundaries or have a different way of seeing things then we are attacked. My nada is classic in shoving shit under the rug......its ok for her to bring up the past and shove it up your nose but by God no one else dare!!! I think your dad just is seeing how many hoops you will jump through to forgive and forget and forget...... they want back in your life without having to look at themselves or without having to change themselves. They are looking to you to get back into rank.....to shut up and put up as for the sake of " family " . Its kind of like beating a dog into submission.. ..Oh I could scream...... drlingirl > > Well, > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye to them before i left. > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make this work, and i told him i dont know, > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and keeping me from seeing my > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? > > Thanks, > T > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 Tony, The letter was spot on....and you held your own!! Malinda To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: kylaboo728@...: Wed, 16 Jul 2008 02:02:09 +0000Subject: Re: Returning home Great post -- I loved your letter to " mom " -- short without engaging her in her game.Very, very good ---Kyla> > >> > > Well,> > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > > to them before i left.> > > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that > my > > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > > my aunt, i finally got off the phone.> > > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he > would > > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting > upset > > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want > to > > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to > make > > this work, and i told him i dont know,> > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party.> > > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i > get > > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the > family > > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7-> > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, > and > > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on > wednesday > > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > > keeping me from seeing my> > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > > suggestions?> > > > > > Thanks,> > > T> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]> > >> > > > > > > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]> >> _________________________________________________________________ It’s a talkathon – but it’s not just talk. http://www.imtalkathon.com/?source=EML_WLH_Talkathon_JustTalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 This is what i decided to send her, after talking to my therapist. I am sure she wont be happy, and i dont feel like they deserve the nice email, but tell me what you think. Thanks. Hey Mom, I have been trying my best to re-establish our contact, at the pace that felt comfortable to me. I am not capable of just jumping right back into the water, I need to wade back into our relationship. I want just as badly as you do to regain our relationship, but my way of being able to do this is by doing it at a slow, careful pace. I am sorry if this is not the plan of attack that you wish to take, but I fear that if we rush into things too quickly, we may slip back to where we were. Hopefully you can understand these feelings. For tomorrow, I think that it maybe best if we postpone our dinner. I am feeling like I am starting to get sick, I need to work late tomorrow, and I have a lot of feelings stirred up right now and I just don't think it is a good combination for us to have a pleasant dinner. I know this will be disappointing to you but i hope you understand. Talk to you soon, Tony Re: Returning home Great post -- I loved your letter to " mom " -- short without engaging her in her game.Very, very good ---Kyla> > >> > > Well,> > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > > to them before i left.> > > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that > my > > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > > my aunt, i finally got off the phone.> > > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he > would > > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting > upset > > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want > to > > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to > make > > this work, and i told him i dont know,> > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party.> > > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i > get > > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the > family > > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7-> > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, > and > > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on > wednesday > > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > > keeping me from seeing my> > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > > suggestions?> > > > > > Thanks,> > > T> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]> > >> > > > > > > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]> >> _________________________________________________________________ It’s a talkathon – but it’s not just talk. http://www.imtalkathon.com/?source=EML_WLH_Talkathon_JustTalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 PERFECT!  Take Care Of You, JaneSoul Re: Returning home Great post -- I loved your letter to " mom " -- short without engaging her in her game.Very, very good ---Kyla> > >> > > Well,> > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > > to them before i left.> > > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that > my > > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > > my aunt, i finally got off the phone.> > > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he > would > > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting > upset > > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want > to > > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to > make > > this work, and i told him i dont know,> > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party.> > > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i > get > > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the > family > > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7-> > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, > and > > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on > wednesday > > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about.. i just dont know > > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > > keeping me from seeing my> > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > > suggestions? > > > > > > Thanks,> > > T> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]> > >> > > > > > > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]> >> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _ It’s a talkathon – but it’s not just talk. http://www.imtalkat hon.com/? source=EML_ WLH_Talkathon_ JustTalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 I agree with Kyla. I would not see your mother for dinner. I would not give in to her control. I also throught of emailing your mother a response to her last letter (I hope it was an email) and cc: your cousin on your response. This way everyone will see how your parent's are behaving if you leave their email attached to your response. Since your mother doesn't feel her letter was inappropriate then she shouldn't mind everyone reading it. kylaboo728 wrote: tony -- I would seriously put off seeing your mother until you feel stronger and are able to withstand their self-serving, personality disordered " noise " .....Your posts indicate you're too enmeshed and, perhaps afraid (?) of them. I'd wait until I felt stronger and more coated with teflon before I walked back into the lion's den. Your mother will try and bog you down in " issues " and situations and ignore the larger theme of them playing emotional hardball with you. It just doesn't strike me that you won't be blown about by their wind......You need to gather strength first. -Kyla > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > to them before i left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 I agree with , by sending the letter to the other family members that are involving themselves it is a chance to " break the silence " . When my family and I started doing this and letting BPD know about us sharing emails, they stopped, for awhile. The last thing BPD's want is the silence to be broken because they'll be " found out " so to speak. BUT it's the best thing you can do for yourself and possibily others.  Take Care Of You, JaneSoul Re: Re: Returning home I agree with Kyla. I would not see your mother for dinner. I would not give in to her control. I also throught of emailing your mother a response to her last letter (I hope it was an email) and cc: your cousin on your response. This way everyone will see how your parent's are behaving if you leave their email attached to your response. Since your mother doesn't feel her letter was inappropriate then she shouldn't mind everyone reading it. kylaboo728 <kylaboo728yahoo (DOT) com> wrote: tony -- I would seriously put off seeing your mother until you feel stronger and are able to withstand their self-serving, personality disordered " noise " ..... Your posts indicate you're too enmeshed and, perhaps afraid (?) of them. I'd wait until I felt stronger and more coated with teflon before I walked back into the lion's den. Your mother will try and bog you down in " issues " and situations and ignore the larger theme of them playing emotional hardball with you. It just doesn't strike me that you won't be blown about by their wind......You need to gather strength first. -Kyla > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > to them before i left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 YOU can't FORCE them to do anything (argh)! And you can spend the quality time they are looking for until things start to heal. It's like she wants the quality time on her terms and now. And, once again, the relationship with your mother and your relationship with the family and THEIR event are SEPARATE! Take Care Of You, JaneSoul Re: Re: Returning home I agree with Kyla. I would not see your mother for dinner. I would not give in to her control. I also throught of emailing your mother a response to her last letter (I hope it was an email) and cc: your cousin on your response. This way everyone will see how your parent's are behaving if you leave their email attached to your response. Since your mother doesn't feel her letter was inappropriate then she shouldn't mind everyone reading it. kylaboo728 <kylaboo728@ yahoo. com> wrote: tony -- I would seriously put off seeing your mother until you feel stronger and are able to withstand their self-serving, personality disordered " noise " ..... Your posts indicate you're too enmeshed and, perhaps afraid (?) of them. I'd wait until I felt stronger and more coated with teflon before I walked back into the lion's den. Your mother will try and bog you down in " issues " and situations and ignore the larger theme of them playing emotional hardball with you. It just doesn't strike me that you won't be blown about by their wind......You need to gather strength first. -Kyla > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > to them before i left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 I feel like by sending my mom's email to others, it would be stooping to their level, and really wouldnt accomplish anything but make me look just as guilty as they do. And be doing exactly what i am upset that they are doing, talking to other family members about our situation? Re: Re: Returning home I agree with Kyla. I would not see your mother for dinner. I would not give in to her control. I also throught of emailing your mother a response to her last letter (I hope it was an email) and cc: your cousin on your response. This way everyone will see how your parent's are behaving if you leave their email attached to your response. Since your mother doesn't feel her letter was inappropriate then she shouldn't mind everyone reading it. kylaboo728 <kylaboo728@ yahoo. com> wrote: tony -- I would seriously put off seeing your mother until you feel stronger and are able to withstand their self-serving, personality disordered " noise " ..... Your posts indicate you're too enmeshed and, perhaps afraid (?) of them. I'd wait until I felt stronger and more coated with teflon before I walked back into the lion's den. Your mother will try and bog you down in " issues " and situations and ignore the larger theme of them playing emotional hardball with you. It just doesn't strike me that you won't be blown about by their wind......You need to gather strength first. -Kyla > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > to them before i left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 PERFECT, again! You really know how to put your thoughts/feelings into words and use them properly...without attack, name calling, shaming, etc. I honestly don't know what could be better! Take Care Of You, JaneSoul Re: Re: Returning home > > I agree with Kyla. I would not see your mother for dinner. I would not give > in to her control. > > I also throught of emailing your mother a response to her last letter (I > hope it was an email) and cc: your cousin on your response. > > This way everyone will see how your parent's are behaving if you leave > their email attached to your response. Since your mother doesn't feel her > letter was inappropriate then she shouldn't mind everyone reading it. > > kylaboo728 <kylaboo728@ yahoo. com> wrote: > tony -- I would seriously put off seeing your mother until you feel > stronger and are able to withstand their self-serving, personality > disordered " noise " ..... Your posts indicate you're too enmeshed and, > perhaps afraid (?) of them. I'd wait until I felt stronger and more > coated with teflon before I walked back into the lion's den. Your > mother will try and bog you down in " issues " and situations and > ignore the larger theme of them playing emotional hardball with you. > > It just doesn't strike me that you won't be blown about by their > wind......You need to gather strength first. > > -Kyla > > > > > > > Well, > > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > > to them before i left. > > > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that > my > > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > > togethers, he wants more then that.. So after much discussion with > > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to > my > > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he > would > > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting > upset > > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want > to > > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to > make > > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i > get > > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the > family > > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my > dad > > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from > 7- > > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, > and > > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on > wednesday > > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > > keeping me from seeing my > > > grandma on her 80th bday.. anyone have any thoughts or > > suggestions? > > > > > > Thanks, > > > T > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 Had to make a correction, from can to can't oops Re: Re: Returning home I agree with Kyla. I would not see your mother for dinner. I would not give in to her control. I also throught of emailing your mother a response to her last letter (I hope it was an email) and cc: your cousin on your response. This way everyone will see how your parent's are behaving if you leave their email attached to your response. Since your mother doesn't feel her letter was inappropriate then she shouldn't mind everyone reading it. kylaboo728 <kylaboo728@ yahoo. com> wrote: tony -- I would seriously put off seeing your mother until you feel stronger and are able to withstand their self-serving, personality disordered " noise " ..... Your posts indicate you're too enmeshed and, perhaps afraid (?) of them. I'd wait until I felt stronger and more coated with teflon before I walked back into the lion's den. Your mother will try and bog you down in " issues " and situations and ignore the larger theme of them playing emotional hardball with you. It just doesn't strike me that you won't be blown about by their wind......You need to gather strength first. -Kyla > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > to them before i left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 I understand completely. I felt the same way, but also desperately needed someone...anyone to understand my situation. If the family members are already involved maybe this would help them to see things more clearly too.. I'm definately not suggesting a smear campaign...that is self defeating. BUT, I am suggesting breaking the silence because many times the BPD's will lose their unhealthy manners and venom (for lack of a better word). It is very empowering and it seems to me that your mom is discussing this with everyone anyway...but on her terms and in her language. It gives you a voice and minimizes all the triangulation that is happening right now. OF COURSE, do what is right by you! This is just what helped me in a similar situation. I ended up going to the family event (in my case, a wedding). I said hello to my mom, kissed her on the cheek and completely ignored her when she 'started in'. I sat across the room at another table. She, apparantly, left early. I stayed til the end and enjoyed my cousins union with his wife. There was SO MUCH tension in the family before the event, but I decided to take the stance on what was best for me and my family, not my BPD, and am very proud of myself for doing what was right by me. Sorry that got so long. Take Care Of You, JaneSoul Re: Re: Returning home I agree with Kyla. I would not see your mother for dinner. I would not give in to her control. I also throught of emailing your mother a response to her last letter (I hope it was an email) and cc: your cousin on your response. This way everyone will see how your parent's are behaving if you leave their email attached to your response. Since your mother doesn't feel her letter was inappropriate then she shouldn't mind everyone reading it. kylaboo728 <kylaboo728@ yahoo. com> wrote: tony -- I would seriously put off seeing your mother until you feel stronger and are able to withstand their self-serving, personality disordered " noise " ..... Your posts indicate you're too enmeshed and, perhaps afraid (?) of them. I'd wait until I felt stronger and more coated with teflon before I walked back into the lion's den. Your mother will try and bog you down in " issues " and situations and ignore the larger theme of them playing emotional hardball with you. It just doesn't strike me that you won't be blown about by their wind......You need to gather strength first. -Kyla > > > > Well, > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > to them before i left. > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that my > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to my > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he would > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting upset > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want to > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to make > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i get > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the family > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my dad > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from 7- > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, and > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on wednesday > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > keeping me from seeing my > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > suggestions? > > > > Thanks, > > T > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 Yes, you are owning your feelings, taking responsibility for your actions ONLY, and making them be responsibile for theirs. You are truly the adult in this situation....MAINTAIN! and CONGRATS, I think you are handling this so WELL! Take Care Of You, JaneSoul Re: Returning home BAD ASS EMAIL. also, it's great how you highlighted that your parents don't get to decide who other people invite to a party. totally true. bink > > > > > > > > Well, > > > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > > > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > > > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > > > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > > > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > > > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > > > to them before i left. > > > > > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > > > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > > > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > > > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > > > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that > > my > > > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > > > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > > > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > > > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > > > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > > > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > > > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > > > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > > > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > > > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > > > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to > > my > > > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he > > would > > > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > > > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > > > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > > > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting > > upset > > > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > > > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > > > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want > > to > > > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to > > make > > > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > > > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i > > get > > > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > > > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the > > family > > > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my > > dad > > > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > > > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from > > 7- > > > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, > > and > > > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on > > wednesday > > > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > > > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > > > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > > > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > > > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > > > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > > > keeping me from seeing my > > > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > > > suggestions? > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > T > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 Do you think I should send the email to my parents? I just got this email from my cousin now: Well it appears that we are back to the time shifts. I must admit I was surprised to hear this. I am again sorry that it seems like things are not progressing like was hoped. Not sure what did or did not happen but I imagine at the magnitude to where your relationship was that there is no magic fix but that it will take a lot of time and effort from all parties involved. I know I have mentioned the following to some of you and I am sure you have heard it from others but maybe you guys need a professional party involved? I have access to family counselor referrals if you would like. From talking to all of you it seems like you guys all want the same result it is just getting there and healing the past that might be stopping you from getting there. Maybe a professional can help this? Well that was my uninvited 2 cents. Hey maybe at the very least you guys could rally together in disliking me? Now as far as the shifts at first I mentioned 7:00 - 8:30 and 8:30 - 10:00. The overlap was brought up so I guess that really makes the shifts 7:00-8:20 and 8:40-10:00. Although the other factor is that I doubt the party will end at 10:00. Live music starts at the bar around 9:00. I imagine some, in particular the cousins and younger folks, will stay later to hang at the bar. Considering this maybe the shifts should fairly be 7:00 - 8:50 and 9:00 - ???? . Thoughts? (Sorry because of my job I have be come really pragmatic!) I love you all very much and keep you guys in my prayers! Re: Returning home BAD ASS EMAIL. also, it's great how you highlighted that your parents don't get to decide who other people invite to a party. totally true. bink > > > > > > > > Well, > > > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > > > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > > > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > > > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > > > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > > > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > > > to them before i left. > > > > > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > > > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > > > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > > > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > > > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that > > my > > > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > > > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > > > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > > > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > > > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > > > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > > > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > > > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > > > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > > > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > > > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to > > my > > > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he > > would > > > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > > > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > > > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > > > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting > > upset > > > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > > > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > > > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want > > to > > > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to > > make > > > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > > > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i > > get > > > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > > > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the > > family > > > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my > > dad > > > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > > > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from > > 7- > > > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, > > and > > > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on > > wednesday > > > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > > > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > > > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > > > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > > > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > > > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > > > keeping me from seeing my > > > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > > > suggestions? > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > T > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 Oh geez tony, this is just getting silly. I don't think they are going to give in on the shifts, because it is getting them attention and sympathy from other family and friends. > Do you think I should send the email to my parents? I just got this > email from my cousin now: > > Well it appears that we are back to the time shifts. I must admit I was > surprised to hear this. I am again sorry that it seems like things are not > progressing like was hoped. Not sure what did or did not happen but I > imagine at the magnitude to where your relationship was that there is no > magic fix but that it will take a lot of time and effort from all parties > involved. I know I have mentioned the following to some of you and I am sure > you have heard it from others but maybe you guys need a professional party > involved? I have access to family counselor referrals if you would like. > From talking to all of you it seems like you guys all want the same result > it is just getting there and healing the past that might be stopping you > from getting there. Maybe a professional can help this? > > Well that was my uninvited 2 cents. Hey maybe at the very least you guys > could rally together in disliking me? > > Now as far as the shifts at first I mentioned 7:00 - 8:30 and 8:30 - 10:00. > The overlap was brought up so I guess that really makes the shifts 7:00-8:20 > and 8:40-10:00. Although the other factor is that I doubt the party will end > at 10:00. Live music starts at the bar around 9:00. I imagine some, in > particular the cousins and younger folks, will stay later to hang at the > bar. Considering this maybe the shifts should fairly be 7:00 - 8:50 and 9:00 > - ???? . Thoughts? (Sorry because of my job I have be come really > pragmatic!) > > I love you all very much and keep you guys in my prayers! > > Re: Returning home > > BAD ASS EMAIL. also, it's great how you highlighted that your parents > don't get to decide who other people invite to a party. totally true. > > bink > > > > > > > > > > > > Well, > > > > > My wife and I just got back from our vacation, and it was > > > > incredible. We were in Italy for a little more the 2 weeks, and > > > > toured practically the whole country, it was great. Well, prior to > > > > leaving, i know i posted a few times, and i did end up telling my > > > > mom i didnt want to do therapy yet, but we continued to talk > > > > periodically, as did my dad and I. I even called and said goodbye > > > > to them before i left. > > > > > > > > > > Well....when i got back, i got a voicemail from my Aunt (dad's > > > > sister), telling me to call as soon as i could, that it was very > > > > important. When i called, she told me that they were having a 80th > > > > bday party for my grandma on sunday (yesterday), and that she felt > > > > it would be better if i didnt go. I asked why, and she said that > > > my > > > > dad says that if i go, he will not go, and they feel it is more > > > > important to have my dad there then me. I ask here where this is > > > > coming from, cause my dad and I have been talking recently and > > > > things have been getting better. she says that he doesnt want a > > > > relationship with his son that he only sees him at family get > > > > togethers, he wants more then that. So after much discussion with > > > > my aunt, i finally got off the phone. > > > > > > > > > > I then called my dad and asked him what the deal was? He said it > > > > hurts him too much to see me and know that we dont have a > > > > relationship, and that i could go to the bday party, but he would > > > > not go. I told him i thought we were making progress and getting > > > > things back to normal, and he said we were, but he wouldnt go to > > > my > > > > grandmas thing without seeing me first. and started saying he > > > would > > > > be willing to see me today (saturday), and he just wants us to > > > > forget everything that has happend. I told him that last time we > > > > tried doing that, that they couldnt last a week with " forgetting " > > > > things, and started bringing things up again. He kept getting > > > upset > > > > and saying he doesnt understand why i am mad at him when it was my > > > > mom that did most of the wrongs. he did apologize for barging into > > > > my house, but that was it. He started crying and asked if i want > > > to > > > > have a relationship with him, and he will do anything for me to > > > make > > > > this work, and i told him i dont know, > > > > > and got off the phone. i find it funny he said he would do > > > > anything, except, let me go to my grandmas bday party. > > > > > > > > > > so i ended up not going, which i am very resentful for. now i > > > get > > > > an evite for my cousins engagement party. quickly following it was > > > > an email to me and my dad from my cousin, telling us that the > > > family > > > > thinks we both should be able to go to this party, but since my > > > dad > > > > wont be there when i am there, we need to work something out, so > > > > they want to split the time up between us, so my dad will go from > > > 7- > > > > 8:30, and we will go 8:30 to 10. I think this is so ridiculous, > > > and > > > > i dont know what to do. I already agreed to see my mom on > > > wednesday > > > > to show her pictures, which i am nervous about. i just dont know > > > > how to handle this anymore. I was on the right track trying to get > > > > things back to normal, and for no reason it all came crashing. i > > > > guess the reason i am meeting with my mom is cause she did actual > > > > write me an apology for the email finally, so i am rewarding her. > > > > and i want to just punish my dad now for pulling this shit and > > > > keeping me from seeing my > > > > > grandma on her 80th bday. anyone have any thoughts or > > > > suggestions? > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > T > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 May, Thanks for your honesty. In no way did i take offense to anything you said. I appreciate having a source where i can go and get unbiased, outside opinions. I am at such a loss of what to do. My cousin is getting involved, and I know she is just trying to help, but i feel it is impossible to even try to explain to someone in her position what i am going through, i feel they just would not get it. I do not want to have to cut off my whole family cause of my parents, but i feel like my parents are pushing me into that corner where i may have to make that choice. I honestly do not know how a parent could treat their child this way, putting aside the emails and all, how could you sell your child out so he would miss his grandmothers bday? I am at a complete loss as to how to handle this. I feel like when i left, i had a pretty good handle on this situation, i get back, and it has all gone to shit. Thank you May for your words, and trust me, witch is nice compared to some of the things i have called my mom Re: Returning home Tony, This might sound offensive, but she sounds like a real witch. " What feelings are stirred up now? " ??????? After she just defamed you to your entire family and both of them are playing the martyr, while you were off on vacation having a pleasant time and didn't expect to return home to chaos. I don't mean to be blunt and offend you, I just want to give you an outside reaction because it seems to be that you are being manipulated with NO regard for your feelings at all. Both parents are saying and doing incredibly hurtful things to you, and then turning around and acting like YOU hurt THEM. And of course they aren't lying or twisting the facts, because they are your parents and they wouldn't do that, right??? (not). Here is something to chew on: you can still love them even if they are manipulative liars. You don't have to like their behavior but you can still love them. What I see you doing is trying to make them into something they are not, and pretend they are not what they are, to meet some conditions you have for relationship with them. They aren't the people you want to be, they are behaving TERRIBLY. I think you need reinforcements, like a therapist who knows bpd because you are being double-teamed horribly, and to make matters worse they've brought the whole family on board now. It's okay to come here and ask for advice as many times as you need to, as well as support, and it's perfectly okay to NOT know how to handle this, and to not address it, and like others have advised, to attend the parties if you want without regard to their demands. When I read her letter I get the image of an evil queen in a castle like in Snow White, looking at her reflection in the mirror and smiling at her cleverness. Just by the tone of your response it's obvious she has you confused and questioning reality again, which is where she wants you. I won't take it personally if you feel this description is too harsh, I just want you to see how she is coming off to a person outside the situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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