Re: girlscout headed into a dark time

[Guest guest]

ugh. i feel like everything is my fault, but i just realized a few

months ago that i felt that way! HOW CAN THAT BE?!??!

silly brain.

bink

>

> Hey Guys,

> I went to my doc for my annual exam yesterday. I've needed to call

her for a

> while but I was so embarassed and ashamed of myself that I didn't. I

> struggle with some very dark feelings about myself. I seem to

believe that

> EVERYTHING is my fault (thanks, mom) and that I am at my core bad

like she

> is.

>

> Guess what? My health problems are not my fault. I had a very rough

period

> about 2 years ago (sexual harrasment at work) and was pretty well at the

> brink of suicide. Fortunately I got in to see her and she got me

medicated.

> I believe it saved my life. But, I've gained a LOT of weight on the

meds.

> Guess what? It's not my fault. It's a side effect of the meds. I

work out 10

> to 12 hours a week (I love exercise) and I eat a healthy diet. She

actually

> told me " This isn't YOU! "

>

> I am scared to change my meds, but it isn't healthy for me to weigh this

> much and it is a big problem with my self esteem. I'm doing it, but

I wanted

> to let you all know that I may be going through a hard time coming

up as we

> get my meds right.

>

> I also told her that I learned about my mother's personality

disorder - my

> mom saw her once and when I reminded the doc of it, she didn't say

much but

> got a very funny look on her face.

>

> It's not my fault. Wow, this has been the hardest lesson. Any other

painted

> black kids feel that everything is their fault - a defect within their

> souls? I mean everything.

>

> Hugs and wish me luck, girlscout

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Just know that we support you in this. I think the need to take on

responsibility for EVERYTHING is part and parcel with the hits to our sense of

esteem and judgement that our family trys to put on us. It is our fault because

our family has told us it is for all of our lives. Why would they lie to us,

after all they are our family.

Amazing how much work we have to do to undo what they have done to us with so

little effort.

It is not your fault. Not then, not now.

Take care.

girlscout headed into a dark time

Hey Guys,

I went to my doc for my annual exam yesterday. I've needed to call her for a

while but I was so embarassed and ashamed of myself that I didn't. I

struggle with some very dark feelings about myself.. I seem to believe that

EVERYTHING is my fault (thanks, mom) and that I am at my core bad like she

is.

Guess what? My health problems are not my fault. I had a very rough period

about 2 years ago (sexual harrasment at work) and was pretty well at the

brink of suicide. Fortunately I got in to see her and she got me medicated.

I believe it saved my life. But, I've gained a LOT of weight on the meds.

Guess what? It's not my fault. It's a side effect of the meds. I work out 10

to 12 hours a week (I love exercise) and I eat a healthy diet. She actually

told me " This isn't YOU! "

I am scared to change my meds, but it isn't healthy for me to weigh this

much and it is a big problem with my self esteem. I'm doing it, but I wanted

to let you all know that I may be going through a hard time coming up as we

get my meds right.

I also told her that I learned about my mother's personality disorder - my

mom saw her once and when I reminded the doc of it, she didn't say much but

got a very funny look on her face.

It's not my fault. Wow, this has been the hardest lesson. Any other painted

black kids feel that everything is their fault - a defect within their

souls? I mean everything.

Hugs and wish me luck, girlscout

[Guest guest]

" Any other painted black kids feel that everything is their fault - a defect

within their

souls? I mean everything. "

When my meds are off I do.  I hate to tell you that since you're trying to

change yours but it's true.  If I stop taking my meds  - even when I'm on them

sometimes I get still down - when I'm DOWN I feel like that but thankfully I've

learned that it's not a right feeling and I do whatever I can to get back up

again.

 

That's the difference... if you can recognize it and consciously try to change

it you'll be ok.  Just stay aware.

 

*hugs*

 

Amy

 

girlscout headed into a dark time

Hey Guys,

I went to my doc for my annual exam yesterday. I've needed to call her for a

while but I was so embarassed and ashamed of myself that I didn't. I

struggle with some very dark feelings about myself. I seem to believe that

EVERYTHING is my fault (thanks, mom) and that I am at my core bad like she

is.

Guess what? My health problems are not my fault. I had a very rough period

about 2 years ago (sexual harrasment at work) and was pretty well at the

brink of suicide. Fortunately I got in to see her and she got me medicated.

I believe it saved my life. But, I've gained a LOT of weight on the meds..

Guess what? It's not my fault. It's a side effect of the meds. I work out 10

to 12 hours a week (I love exercise) and I eat a healthy diet. She actually

told me " This isn't YOU! "

I am scared to change my meds, but it isn't healthy for me to weigh this

much and it is a big problem with my self esteem. I'm doing it, but I wanted

to let you all know that I may be going through a hard time coming up as we

get my meds right.

I also told her that I learned about my mother's personality disorder - my

mom saw her once and when I reminded the doc of it, she didn't say much but

got a very funny look on her face.

It's not my fault. Wow, this has been the hardest lesson. Any other painted

black kids feel that everything is their fault - a defect within their

souls? I mean everything.

Hugs and wish me luck, girlscout

[Guest guest]

That exact message was drilled into my head by nada since I was a child. Since

we are told everything is our fault since we were very young, I think you start

to develop a complex. I continually question my responses to people; but most

people don't even remember simple misunderstandings. Most people aren't that

critical, they are usually involved in their own lives and really don't pay much

attention to the little things.

I have a new line to use now when I start to feel this way, 'If I can control

everything, I will change my life to be better. "

If everything is " our fault " we must be some really powerful people and must

be able to control a lot of things.

FYI - I was on Lexapro for my migraines; it is a new SSRI and I actually lost

my appetite when I took it. Unfortunately, it did not help the headaches (took

it for 3 months).

Girlscout Cowboy wrote:

Hey Guys,

I went to my doc for my annual exam yesterday. I've needed to call her for a

while but I was so embarassed and ashamed of myself that I didn't. I

struggle with some very dark feelings about myself. I seem to believe that

EVERYTHING is my fault (thanks, mom) and that I am at my core bad like she

is.

Guess what? My health problems are not my fault. I had a very rough period

about 2 years ago (sexual harrasment at work) and was pretty well at the

brink of suicide. Fortunately I got in to see her and she got me medicated.

I believe it saved my life. But, I've gained a LOT of weight on the meds.

Guess what? It's not my fault. It's a side effect of the meds. I work out 10

to 12 hours a week (I love exercise) and I eat a healthy diet. She actually

told me " This isn't YOU! "

I am scared to change my meds, but it isn't healthy for me to weigh this

much and it is a big problem with my self esteem. I'm doing it, but I wanted

to let you all know that I may be going through a hard time coming up as we

get my meds right.

I also told her that I learned about my mother's personality disorder - my

mom saw her once and when I reminded the doc of it, she didn't say much but

got a very funny look on her face.

It's not my fault. Wow, this has been the hardest lesson. Any other painted

black kids feel that everything is their fault - a defect within their

souls? I mean everything.

Hugs and wish me luck, girlscout

[Guest guest]

I know exactly how you feel.

Make sure while you are adjusting your medicine, that you keep track

of how you are feeling. Maybe a journal? Also, be sure that you see

your doctor regularly.

Good Luck to you!

>

> Hey Guys,

> I went to my doc for my annual exam yesterday. I've needed to call

her for a

> while but I was so embarassed and ashamed of myself that I didn't. I

> struggle with some very dark feelings about myself. I seem to

believe that

> EVERYTHING is my fault (thanks, mom) and that I am at my core bad

like she

> is.

>

> Guess what? My health problems are not my fault. I had a very rough

period

> about 2 years ago (sexual harrasment at work) and was pretty well

at the

> brink of suicide. Fortunately I got in to see her and she got me

medicated.

> I believe it saved my life. But, I've gained a LOT of weight on the

meds.

> Guess what? It's not my fault. It's a side effect of the meds. I

work out 10

> to 12 hours a week (I love exercise) and I eat a healthy diet. She

actually

> told me " This isn't YOU! "

>

> I am scared to change my meds, but it isn't healthy for me to weigh

this

> much and it is a big problem with my self esteem. I'm doing it, but

I wanted

> to let you all know that I may be going through a hard time coming

up as we

> get my meds right.

>

> I also told her that I learned about my mother's personality

disorder - my

> mom saw her once and when I reminded the doc of it, she didn't say

much but

> got a very funny look on her face.

>

> It's not my fault. Wow, this has been the hardest lesson. Any other

painted

> black kids feel that everything is their fault - a defect within

their

> souls? I mean everything.

>

> Hugs and wish me luck, girlscout

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

Your response reminded me of a few things.  I used to second guess all the time

in my interactions with people! I totally forgot about that.  It was like a

guilt - but what did I feel guilty about?  Sure maybe I said something that in

hindsite wasn't the best response but to beat myself up over it for days, weeks,

years??? That's because she drilled it into me that *every* little thing I said

would be scrutinized.  Well, normal people don't scrutinize that way, only BPD's

do.  Thankfully I've gotten over that - mostly.  I really can't explain the

level of guilt I would feel if I said something wrong at a party or something. 

It was weird.

And something a friend always tells me when I'm talking about a problem with my

mother:  If my mother says something like " you've ruined my life "   L will say: 

" really? I had no idea you were that powerful!!! "   It always makes me laugh..

and brings me back to reality. ;-)

Amy

Re: girlscout headed into a dark time

That exact message was drilled into my head by nada since I was a child. Since

we are told everything is our fault since we were very young, I think you start

to develop a complex. I continually question my responses to people; but most

people don't even remember simple misunderstandings. Most people aren't that

critical, they are usually involved in their own lives and really don't pay much

attention to the little things.

I have a new line to use now when I start to feel this way, 'If I can control

everything, I will change my life to be better. "

If everything is " our fault " we must be some really powerful people and must be

able to control a lot of things.

FYI - I was on Lexapro for my migraines; it is a new SSRI and I actually lost my

appetite when I took it. Unfortunately, it did not help the headaches (took it

for 3 months).

Girlscout Cowboy <girlscout.cowboy@ gmail.com> wrote:

Hey Guys,

I went to my doc for my annual exam yesterday. I've needed to call her for a

while but I was so embarassed and ashamed of myself that I didn't. I

struggle with some very dark feelings about myself. I seem to believe that

EVERYTHING is my fault (thanks, mom) and that I am at my core bad like she

is.

Guess what? My health problems are not my fault. I had a very rough period

about 2 years ago (sexual harrasment at work) and was pretty well at the

brink of suicide. Fortunately I got in to see her and she got me medicated.

I believe it saved my life. But, I've gained a LOT of weight on the meds.

Guess what? It's not my fault. It's a side effect of the meds. I work out 10

to 12 hours a week (I love exercise) and I eat a healthy diet. She actually

told me " This isn't YOU! "

I am scared to change my meds, but it isn't healthy for me to weigh this

much and it is a big problem with my self esteem. I'm doing it, but I wanted

to let you all know that I may be going through a hard time coming up as we

get my meds right.

I also told her that I learned about my mother's personality disorder - my

mom saw her once and when I reminded the doc of it, she didn't say much but

got a very funny look on her face.

It's not my fault. Wow, this has been the hardest lesson. Any other painted

black kids feel that everything is their fault - a defect within their

souls? I mean everything.

Hugs and wish me luck, girlscout

[Guest guest]

Girlscout, chin up girl.  You've made a huge step getting yourself to doc.. 

Allow yourself plenty of time to give the meds a chance (i take

Zoloft-sertraline and had to also jump around to find what worked for me).  I

also get in the 'it's all my fault' phase of things.  The only difference is

that now it passes.  anytime between 5 minutes to 2 days.  That is a huge

improvement for me.  Remember that it is temporary!  Be extra gentle with

yourself these next few weeks and love that little girl in there.

She (you) needs extra nurturing right now. 

 

Take Care Of You,

JaneSoul

girlscout headed into a dark time

Hey Guys,

I went to my doc for my annual exam yesterday. I've needed to call her for a

while but I was so embarassed and ashamed of myself that I didn't. I

struggle with some very dark feelings about myself. I seem to believe that

EVERYTHING is my fault (thanks, mom) and that I am at my core bad like she

is.

Guess what? My health problems are not my fault. I had a very rough period

about 2 years ago (sexual harrasment at work) and was pretty well at the

brink of suicide. Fortunately I got in to see her and she got me medicated.

I believe it saved my life. But, I've gained a LOT of weight on the meds.

Guess what? It's not my fault. It's a side effect of the meds.. I work out 10

to 12 hours a week (I love exercise) and I eat a healthy diet. She actually

told me " This isn't YOU! "

I am scared to change my meds, but it isn't healthy for me to weigh this

much and it is a big problem with my self esteem. I'm doing it, but I wanted

to let you all know that I may be going through a hard time coming up as we

get my meds right.

I also told her that I learned about my mother's personality disorder - my

mom saw her once and when I reminded the doc of it, she didn't say much but

got a very funny look on her face.

It's not my fault. Wow, this has been the hardest lesson. Any other painted

black kids feel that everything is their fault - a defect within their

souls? I mean everything.

Hugs and wish me luck, girlscout

[Guest guest]

Hi Girlscout,

Here's the hugs but you don't need luck you have courage, wisdom and

us. I remember a few weeks ago you mentioned trying therapy did you

find anyone? how's the search going? This might be a really good time

to find one during a transition so you will have even more support. I

know it might feel like a bad time for therapy one more added stressor

I was just thinking about how much my therapist has helped me through

my med start ups and changes and helped me identify what was the meds

and what the emotional issues were. Gave me somewhere to lean in the

darkest points. We are here for ya and don't forget those great sites

you send us the self soothing and the flowers. You have lots more

strength then you did when you first started the meds.

Take care Big hugs to you

Suebee

>

> Hey Guys,

> I went to my doc for my annual exam yesterday. I've needed to call

her for a

> while but I was so embarassed and ashamed of myself that I didn't. I

> struggle with some very dark feelings about myself. I seem to

believe that

> EVERYTHING is my fault (thanks, mom) and that I am at my core bad

like she

> is.

>

> Guess what? My health problems are not my fault. I had a very rough

period

> about 2 years ago (sexual harrasment at work) and was pretty well at the

> brink of suicide. Fortunately I got in to see her and she got me

medicated.

> I believe it saved my life. But, I've gained a LOT of weight on the

meds.

> Guess what? It's not my fault. It's a side effect of the meds. I

work out 10

> to 12 hours a week (I love exercise) and I eat a healthy diet. She

actually

> told me " This isn't YOU! "

>

> I am scared to change my meds, but it isn't healthy for me to weigh this

> much and it is a big problem with my self esteem. I'm doing it, but

I wanted

> to let you all know that I may be going through a hard time coming

up as we

> get my meds right.

>

> I also told her that I learned about my mother's personality

disorder - my

> mom saw her once and when I reminded the doc of it, she didn't say

much but

> got a very funny look on her face.

>

> It's not my fault. Wow, this has been the hardest lesson. Any other

painted

> black kids feel that everything is their fault - a defect within their

> souls? I mean everything.

>

> Hugs and wish me luck, girlscout

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

One more thought..Yes I use to always blame myself for everything

still do initially but now I slow down and look at all the evidence

and choices and most of the time realize nope not mine! My therapist

says Parliment sits in my head. Look up " The Art of Living "

interpretation by Sharon Lebell (Epictetus)I love it carry it with me

always.

Namaste Suebee

>

> Hey Guys,

> I went to my doc for my annual exam yesterday. I've needed to call

her for a

> while but I was so embarassed and ashamed of myself that I didn't. I

> struggle with some very dark feelings about myself. I seem to

believe that

> EVERYTHING is my fault (thanks, mom) and that I am at my core bad

like she

> is.

>

> Guess what? My health problems are not my fault. I had a very rough

period

> about 2 years ago (sexual harrasment at work) and was pretty well at the

> brink of suicide. Fortunately I got in to see her and she got me

medicated.

> I believe it saved my life. But, I've gained a LOT of weight on the

meds.

> Guess what? It's not my fault. It's a side effect of the meds. I

work out 10

> to 12 hours a week (I love exercise) and I eat a healthy diet. She

actually

> told me " This isn't YOU! "

>

> I am scared to change my meds, but it isn't healthy for me to weigh this

> much and it is a big problem with my self esteem. I'm doing it, but

I wanted

> to let you all know that I may be going through a hard time coming

up as we

> get my meds right.

>

> I also told her that I learned about my mother's personality

disorder - my

> mom saw her once and when I reminded the doc of it, she didn't say

much but

> got a very funny look on her face.

>

> It's not my fault. Wow, this has been the hardest lesson. Any other

painted

> black kids feel that everything is their fault - a defect within their

> souls? I mean everything.

>

> Hugs and wish me luck, girlscout

>

>

>