Re: I just realized...I don't have a mother

[Guest guest]

This is something that my heart realized long before my mind would

accept it. Every time the thoughts would even creep into my head I

would berate myself for my betrayal of her. My mind would tell my

crying heart--She tried her best, didn't she? She must love me, she

has to love me because if she doesn't then who is there to love me?

My mom home schooled me and kept me complete isolated for nearly my

entire life. I had no siblings, no father, just her & my grandparents-

-the ones who made her into a BP. None of them worked, so we were

just there in the house, all day, all night.

I became a mom less than two years ago. My daughter is the light of

my existence, but I already see the sickness creeping into my heart

when I hold her. I don't know how to be emotionally intimate with

her. I don't know how to be a good mom who is really & truly there

for her. How do I meet her needs? I don`t want to make an excuse that

no one in my life was ever there for me, because what does that

matter? She deserves more. I just don't know--how to exist with

another person? Does that make sense?

I love my daughter beyond reason. The moment I come into a room, she

stops what she is doing and runs to hug me, but when she does that, I

feel like she is validating ME & my need for her love. All the other

babies her age I see don't act like that. They receive the kisses &

hugs, slightly indifferent. They don't snuggle and cuddle and kiss

their mommy day & night the way she does. If I cry for any reason,

even if its just a sad movie, she climbs on my lap and starts to cry

too. I feel confused, am I doing something wrong? (I LOVE that she is

so sweet & affectionate, but is that a sign that she's trying to be

my caretaker at 18 months? I won't let her!) I remember being the one

responsible for making my mom happy, which was an impossible task.

I started reading SWOE on Saturday and finished it this morning. I

don't know how I feel right now. I know that I never really had a

mom, but my only goal in life is to make sure that my daughter always

has one.

D

>

[Guest guest]

This was the hardest thing for me to reconcile! I had just turned 36 (last

year) and realized she didn't care if I lived or died. She did not care about

her only grandchild. She only cared about having her needs met and was unable

to see beyond herself.

This was the most difficult thing for me to accept; deep down I believe I

always knew it but was not ready to admit it.

" s.lynn44 " wrote:

I woke up in the middle of the night the other night and was thinking

about all of this. Then it came to me...I don't have a mother. I

have a biological mother but not a real mother.

I have held the hope of a child in my heart for the past 38 years.

When I was very little I hoped that if I celebrated her enough she

would give me what I needed. That gave way to the hope that if I

responded to her need for me to fuse with her, she would give me what

I needed. That, in turn, was replaced with the attempt to replace

her with a surrogate (in the form of my mother-in-law in my first

marriage). This enraged her to the point of near psychosis. When

that marrieage fell appart I went through years of trying to make my

mother see what she had done to me with the hope that she would

awaken from her pathology and see me as a human being for the first

time. I sought validation for my goals and comforting for my pain

with the hope that she could be a mother. Instead she disparaged my

goals and dismissed my pain.

When I got married again in my late 20's my life looked very rosy and

I hoped she would be happy for me but instead she was jealous. When

things tumbled down for a while I hoped she would care but instead

she was enraged by my " selfishness " . The " selfishness " was being

very sad about what happened in my life.

I think that the inertia that I have experienced in the past 8 years

has been an attempt to appease her in the hope that if I truely

sublimate my own needs, goals and desires, I will get a mother.

A mother is supposed to care about and root for the success and

hapiness of her child. I don't have a mother. Maybe accepting this

fact is the first step to healing.

[Guest guest]

I can understand where you're coming from, and the feelings regarding

your daughter. In my opinion, she is too young to be consciously

trying to be your emotional caretaker...odds are she's just a cuddly

toddler! Every child is different, and I have known many that act

like yours. Right now my best friend has a 15 month old that is the

same way. He just fiercely loves his mommy, and wants to

hug/kiss/cuddle a lot of the time. I also think a lot of little ones

respond to crying by crying also. Babies and toddlers read other

people's behavior and try to imitate it. It's totally normal.

Your little girl sounds like a total love bug! Enjoy it while it's

available. Babies and kids in general are extremely self-centered (I

don't mean that in a bad way) and I seriously doubt she's

affectionate to you because she wants to meet your needs. She's

meeting her own, while also enjoying that she can bring smiles to

you.

" The moment I come into a room, she stops what she is doing and runs

to hug me, but when she does that, I feel like she is validating ME &

my need for her love. All the other babies her age I see don't act

like that. They receive the kisses & hugs, slightly indifferent. They

don't snuggle and cuddle and kiss their mommy day & night the way she

does. "

I think the fact that she's a cuddle bug shows you are doing

something right! She clearly has a strong bond with you, which is so

important. At the same time she isn't overly dependent on you, since

you said " the moment I come into a room " which means you CAN be in a

different room. If she had insecure attachment, she'd follow you

wherever and be clingy (among other things). The fact that she CAN

be in another room but loves to give and get your affection when

you're present just means she loves her mommy.

Don't be too hard on yourself, second guessing these wonderful

moments of affection. Just enjoy them and relax about it...you're

doing a good job and you have a little girl that loves her mama and

has a mama that totally loves her too. It's a blessing.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

What is always so hard about these one way relationships is that there is never

any ownership for what is wrong with the situation. They never own up to their

part and insist that it is all you and if only you would change and how dare you

criticize them. We have people in our families that we are related to but who

are openly hostile to us because we won't play the door mat. In their minds it

is all about them and you are ever the after thought.

I a so sorry you have to go through this. It is so unfair.

Be strong

Re: I just realized....I don't have a mother

This was the hardest thing for me to reconcile! I had just turned 36 (last year)

and realized she didn't care if I lived or died. She did not care about her only

grandchild. She only cared about having her needs met and was unable to see

beyond herself.

This was the most difficult thing for me to accept; deep down I believe I always

knew it but was not ready to admit it.

" s.lynn44 " <s.lynn44yahoo (DOT) com> wrote:

I woke up in the middle of the night the other night and was thinking

about all of this. Then it came to me...I don't have a mother. I

have a biological mother but not a real mother.

I have held the hope of a child in my heart for the past 38 years.

When I was very little I hoped that if I celebrated her enough she

would give me what I needed. That gave way to the hope that if I

responded to her need for me to fuse with her, she would give me what

I needed. That, in turn, was replaced with the attempt to replace

her with a surrogate (in the form of my mother-in-law in my first

marriage). This enraged her to the point of near psychosis. When

that marrieage fell appart I went through years of trying to make my

mother see what she had done to me with the hope that she would

awaken from her pathology and see me as a human being for the first

time. I sought validation for my goals and comforting for my pain

with the hope that she could be a mother. Instead she disparaged my

goals and dismissed my pain.

When I got married again in my late 20's my life looked very rosy and

I hoped she would be happy for me but instead she was jealous. When

things tumbled down for a while I hoped she would care but instead

she was enraged by my " selfishness " . The " selfishness " was being

very sad about what happened in my life.

I think that the inertia that I have experienced in the past 8 years

has been an attempt to appease her in the hope that if I truely

sublimate my own needs, goals and desires, I will get a mother.

A mother is supposed to care about and root for the success and

hapiness of her child. I don't have a mother. Maybe accepting this

fact is the first step to healing.

[Guest guest]

Nada was mad at me,

so she said to a stranger nearby, " My daughter was in London during

the terrorist attack. "

THat is EXACTLY how my nada always acted - at least one lie per day per

person.

>

> What is always so hard about these one way relationships is that there is

> never any ownership for what is wrong with the situation. They never own up

> to their part and insist that it is all you and if only you would change and

> how dare you criticize them. We have people in our families that we are

> related to but who are openly hostile to us because we won't play the door

> mat. In their minds it is all about them and you are ever the after thought.

> I a so sorry you have to go through this. It is so unfair.

> Be strong

>

>

>

>

> Re: I just realized....I don't have a mother

>

>

> This was the hardest thing for me to reconcile! I had just turned 36 (last

> year) and realized she didn't care if I lived or died. She did not care

> about her only grandchild. She only cared about having her needs met and was

> unable to see beyond herself.

>

> This was the most difficult thing for me to accept; deep down I believe I

> always knew it but was not ready to admit it.

>

> " s.lynn44 " <s.lynn44yahoo (DOT) com> wrote:

> I woke up in the middle of the night the other night and was thinking

> about all of this. Then it came to me...I don't have a mother. I

> have a biological mother but not a real mother.

>

> I have held the hope of a child in my heart for the past 38 years.

> When I was very little I hoped that if I celebrated her enough she

> would give me what I needed. That gave way to the hope that if I

> responded to her need for me to fuse with her, she would give me what

> I needed. That, in turn, was replaced with the attempt to replace

> her with a surrogate (in the form of my mother-in-law in my first

> marriage). This enraged her to the point of near psychosis. When

> that marrieage fell appart I went through years of trying to make my

> mother see what she had done to me with the hope that she would

> awaken from her pathology and see me as a human being for the first

> time. I sought validation for my goals and comforting for my pain

> with the hope that she could be a mother. Instead she disparaged my

> goals and dismissed my pain.

>

> When I got married again in my late 20's my life looked very rosy and

> I hoped she would be happy for me but instead she was jealous. When

> things tumbled down for a while I hoped she would care but instead

> she was enraged by my " selfishness " . The " selfishness " was being

> very sad about what happened in my life.

>

> I think that the inertia that I have experienced in the past 8 years

> has been an attempt to appease her in the hope that if I truely

> sublimate my own needs, goals and desires, I will get a mother.

>

> A mother is supposed to care about and root for the success and

> hapiness of her child. I don't have a mother. Maybe accepting this

> fact is the first step to healing.

>

>