OT - Diary of a snow shoveler

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DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

DECEMBER 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the

season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the

window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked

like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I

lovethe snow!

DECEMBER 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow

covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can

there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the

best idea I've ever had...

Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did

both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came

along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got

to shovel again. What a perfect life.

DECEMBER 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a

disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely

have a White Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says

we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see

snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad

he's our neighbor.

DECEMBER 14: Snow, lovely snow!! 8 " last night. The temperature

dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my

breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.

This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried

everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much

shoveling,but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't

huff and puff so.

DECEMBER 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a

4 x 4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra

shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the

electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after

all.

DECEMBER 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in

the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an

hour, which I think was very cruel.

DECEMBER 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go

anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets

on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to

irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it

to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to

death in my own living room.

DECEMBER 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14 " of the

damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow

came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're

too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware

store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have

another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel

or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

DECEMBER 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13

more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably

won't melt til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go

out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed

and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a

plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy.

I think the a**hole is lying!

DECEMBER 23: Only 2 " of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife

wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is

she.....nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She

says she did but I think she's damn well lying.

DECEMBER 24: 6 " Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the

shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of

a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his

balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish

shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and

throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to

sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy

watching for the goddamn snowplow.

DECEMBER 25: MERRY @#* & ! CHRISTMAS! 20 more inches of the #@!$#!~ & *!

slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I

hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I

hit him over the head with my shovel! The wife says I have a bad attitude. I

think she's an idiot.. If I have to watch " It's a Wonderful Life " one more

time, I'm going to kill her.

DECEMBER 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It

was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

DECEMBER 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

DECEMBER 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE B**CH is

driving me crazy!!!

DECEMBER 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or

it could cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does

he think I am?

DECEMBER 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a

million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her

mother. 9 " predicted.

DECEMBER 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more

shoveling.

JANUARY 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills

they keep giving me. Why am I tied to this bed?

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