food freeing...

[Guest guest]

I guess I will start by saying that food is my biggest fear. I have

an entirely too long list of " forbidden foods " and though I'm becoming

comfortable with my body, I know I cannot be truly happy until I

become comfortable with food.

So far I have " freed " apples, baby carrots, peanut butter (and found I

didn't even like it! Who would have thought since I have had many a

binge with it.), hummus, kashi go lean crunch cereal, and most

recently, luna bars. I would sometimes have 5-6 luna bars a day! I

thought I would never get over them. Now, I'll have an occasional

one, but I don't even find myself craving them anymore and if I do,

I'm satisfied with just one and am picky over the flavors.

The past two nights I have had cereal AFTER dinner. Two small bowls

each night. Last night I cried hysterically, feeling awful about the

calories I had just consumed. The " food police " told me that this

feeling of not being able to control myself around cereal (which,

since my disordered eating issues started, has always been my " binge "

food) is proof that I should never eat it again. Deep down inside,

however, I saw this as a cue that cereal should be the next on my list

of forbidden foods that MUST be freed.

I was happy when I woke up and my mom had left me a note to go to the

bank for her, which just so happens to be in the same parking lot as

the grocery store. This gave me an excuse to go buy the type of

cereal that I wanted, rather than making a special trip to go buy

food, which the " food police " kept telling me is ridiculous.

I was on the cereal aisle and spotted cap'n crunch. Part of my mind

was saying that I needed something healthier, as cap'n crunch is

loaded with sugary goodness. Then I thought, what would be the point

of buying a cereal that I don't truly want but am getting for

" nutritional " reasons? Would that cure my craving for cap'n crunch?

Would that ultimately " free " the " bad " cereals on my list? After much

hesitation, I did end up going for the cap'n crunch. I also bought

honey nut chex because I love that cereal as well and this way I had

another option.

I had two small bowls for breakfast. Though I was ravenously hungry

(it was almost 1pm and I hadn't had anything to eat all day), I still

felt guilty about it for calorie reasons. After about 3 hours (50

minutes spent exercising), I was hungry again. I wanted cereal but

opted for oatmeal with vanilla soymilk instead. I told myself that

this would keep me full until dinnertime, that I didn't deserve any

more cereal after how much I ate this morning. I ate the oatmeal.

Then I ate the cereal. Another two small bowls. Though they're

kiddie sized bowls, I still probably managed a good 3-4 servings both

for breakfast and for lunch. My mind instantly told me that I should

go purge. I fought it though and instead I went upstairs and

journaled my thoughts and feelings.

I know that I won't have uncontrollable cereal days for the rest of my

life. Like I said, I never thought I'd get past the luna bar craze,

but I did! I just need to show myself that I can have this cereal,

and that I won't curl up in a ball and die a slow and painful death

after eating it or anything awful like that. I also have to remember

to eat what I REALLY want, when I want it. Though my tummy was not

overstuffed (barely even felt full) after the oatmeal and cereal, I

still know that it was way more than I needed. I was only satisfied

after the cereal. I most likely would have been satisfied with the

cereal alone, as I did not enjoy the oatmeal at all, but ate it

because I felt I " should " .

I guess the point of me writing this enormously long message is to get

assurance that this phase will pass and that it is indeed something I

need to do. Last night I wanted to give up again. A part of me still

wants to give up, to go back to counting calories and measuring down

to .25 of a tsp, and panicking over every morsel of food that enters

my mouth. A bigger part of me wants to be happy.