Guest guest Posted February 2, 2003 Report Share Posted February 2, 2003 a, I remembered, so clearly, while reading your post, when I had to put my in a mental hospital. He never came home to stay again. He came for short visits, never overnight, and went from two years in residential treatment, to therapeutic foster care. We had regular contact, but it was never the same, and I had to let go and let someone else parent him. He is still a sad case...failure to attach (severe), bi-polar, ADHD, etc. The list is endless. None of this was told to me before the adoption was final, however, and most of it did not show up until he was four years old. I got him at 34 mos. He was with me, a real roller coaster ride, until he became both suicidal and homocidal at age 7. Unbelievable. So, I know exactly what you went through, how you still grieve for that child, and what a mark it left on your heart... the whole experience. God Bless you, my friend. MM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 2, 2003 Report Share Posted February 2, 2003 a, I remembered, so clearly, while reading your post, when I had to put my in a mental hospital. He never came home to stay again. He came for short visits, never overnight, and went from two years in residential treatment, to therapeutic foster care. We had regular contact, but it was never the same, and I had to let go and let someone else parent him. He is still a sad case...failure to attach (severe), bi-polar, ADHD, etc. The list is endless. None of this was told to me before the adoption was final, however, and most of it did not show up until he was four years old. I got him at 34 mos. He was with me, a real roller coaster ride, until he became both suicidal and homocidal at age 7. Unbelievable. So, I know exactly what you went through, how you still grieve for that child, and what a mark it left on your heart... the whole experience. God Bless you, my friend. MM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 2, 2003 Report Share Posted February 2, 2003 a, I remembered, so clearly, while reading your post, when I had to put my in a mental hospital. He never came home to stay again. He came for short visits, never overnight, and went from two years in residential treatment, to therapeutic foster care. We had regular contact, but it was never the same, and I had to let go and let someone else parent him. He is still a sad case...failure to attach (severe), bi-polar, ADHD, etc. The list is endless. None of this was told to me before the adoption was final, however, and most of it did not show up until he was four years old. I got him at 34 mos. He was with me, a real roller coaster ride, until he became both suicidal and homocidal at age 7. Unbelievable. So, I know exactly what you went through, how you still grieve for that child, and what a mark it left on your heart... the whole experience. God Bless you, my friend. MM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 2, 2003 Report Share Posted February 2, 2003 Mike, WE had him for a year and a half and were going to finalize our adoption right in the middle of this mess. Thankfully, the judge allowed us to proceed and finalize 's adoption and hold off on his. One month later was when he had to go for good. It seems strange because he put so much turmoil in our home, but I still cry for him because I know that he will never be a functioning member of society. He is just to mentally ill. a Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 2, 2003 Report Share Posted February 2, 2003 Mike, WE had him for a year and a half and were going to finalize our adoption right in the middle of this mess. Thankfully, the judge allowed us to proceed and finalize 's adoption and hold off on his. One month later was when he had to go for good. It seems strange because he put so much turmoil in our home, but I still cry for him because I know that he will never be a functioning member of society. He is just to mentally ill. a Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 2, 2003 Report Share Posted February 2, 2003 Mike, WE had him for a year and a half and were going to finalize our adoption right in the middle of this mess. Thankfully, the judge allowed us to proceed and finalize 's adoption and hold off on his. One month later was when he had to go for good. It seems strange because he put so much turmoil in our home, but I still cry for him because I know that he will never be a functioning member of society. He is just to mentally ill. a Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2003 Report Share Posted February 3, 2003 a, I know what you mean. My eldest son, , is now 18, living in a transition- al residential treatment facility where they are supposed to get him some indepen- dent living skills training and have him ready to live on the outside. I don't believe it will ever happen for him. He is always going to be a problem to society and to himself. So sad, and such a waste of a beautiful human being. Love, MM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2003 Report Share Posted February 3, 2003 Mike, Isn't that what makes it so hard? We are probably the only ones who not only see the dark side of these kids, but also the moments when they are good, and kind. That occasional hug that doesn't seem fake for just that moment. That glimpse of what this child could have been if he had just had a decent start in life. it just doesn't seem fair that they just cant reach out to the very people who are trying to save them. I wish I had a dime for everytime one of these kids has told me that they hate me and that I am the worst mom they ever had. Then two minutes later they are crying and sorry and didn't mean a word of it. The only difference with this child was when he said it, he did mean it. And that was like a knife through my heart no matter how many times he said it. It was hard because I loved him so much, but then once he was gone, there was this overwhelming peace that came over our house that has stayed to this day. So I know that we did the right thing however hard it was. it is so nice to talk to someone who understands. I dont know anyone else who has even adopted special needs kids, let alone one who had one that had troubles. Thanks for listening, I promise I wont write a book every day! a Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2003 Report Share Posted February 3, 2003 Mike, Isn't that what makes it so hard? We are probably the only ones who not only see the dark side of these kids, but also the moments when they are good, and kind. That occasional hug that doesn't seem fake for just that moment. That glimpse of what this child could have been if he had just had a decent start in life. it just doesn't seem fair that they just cant reach out to the very people who are trying to save them. I wish I had a dime for everytime one of these kids has told me that they hate me and that I am the worst mom they ever had. Then two minutes later they are crying and sorry and didn't mean a word of it. The only difference with this child was when he said it, he did mean it. And that was like a knife through my heart no matter how many times he said it. It was hard because I loved him so much, but then once he was gone, there was this overwhelming peace that came over our house that has stayed to this day. So I know that we did the right thing however hard it was. it is so nice to talk to someone who understands. I dont know anyone else who has even adopted special needs kids, let alone one who had one that had troubles. Thanks for listening, I promise I wont write a book every day! a Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2003 Report Share Posted February 3, 2003 a, It's ok, hon. I wrote TWO when was little. No lie. I kept a diary for me and sent copies to his placement worker so she could see how he was doing day by day. When I go back and read them, now, it is heartbreaking to see that he just kept getting worse, in spite of all my hopeful entries each time his behavior would improve for a little bit. It seemed he just couldn't keep it together, even on meds. And, now, he's about to be turned loose on society. Scares me spitless, to tell the truth, and I know he's even more frightened. Inside, he is still that infant that never got his needs met, and so has this big hole in his soul that can never be filled up. The trouble is, he is 18, 6 ft. tall, and BUILT. Some infant, right? Well, he is still emotionally an infant, with all the needs of a baby to be held, fed, etc. Can't do that with an adult male, so he acts out sexually and verbally. Not a pleasant person to be around much of the time. So, yeah, I know all about it. It still hurts, deep inside, and always will. But, I ceased to hold myself responsible for his problems long ago, after putting him in the hospital the first time. I had a bad case of feeling like a failure as a parent, and that lasted for a few years, but for more than 9 years, now, I have realized that I am not the one who did this to him, and I am not superhuman. It takes an entire hospital to contain him, so what did I think I could do by myself? Silly, huh? So, you write any time you want to, and you can use my personal email addy, if you like. Loving hugs, MM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2003 Report Share Posted February 3, 2003 a, It's ok, hon. I wrote TWO when was little. No lie. I kept a diary for me and sent copies to his placement worker so she could see how he was doing day by day. When I go back and read them, now, it is heartbreaking to see that he just kept getting worse, in spite of all my hopeful entries each time his behavior would improve for a little bit. It seemed he just couldn't keep it together, even on meds. And, now, he's about to be turned loose on society. Scares me spitless, to tell the truth, and I know he's even more frightened. Inside, he is still that infant that never got his needs met, and so has this big hole in his soul that can never be filled up. The trouble is, he is 18, 6 ft. tall, and BUILT. Some infant, right? Well, he is still emotionally an infant, with all the needs of a baby to be held, fed, etc. Can't do that with an adult male, so he acts out sexually and verbally. Not a pleasant person to be around much of the time. So, yeah, I know all about it. It still hurts, deep inside, and always will. But, I ceased to hold myself responsible for his problems long ago, after putting him in the hospital the first time. I had a bad case of feeling like a failure as a parent, and that lasted for a few years, but for more than 9 years, now, I have realized that I am not the one who did this to him, and I am not superhuman. It takes an entire hospital to contain him, so what did I think I could do by myself? Silly, huh? So, you write any time you want to, and you can use my personal email addy, if you like. Loving hugs, MM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2003 Report Share Posted February 3, 2003 a, It's ok, hon. I wrote TWO when was little. No lie. I kept a diary for me and sent copies to his placement worker so she could see how he was doing day by day. When I go back and read them, now, it is heartbreaking to see that he just kept getting worse, in spite of all my hopeful entries each time his behavior would improve for a little bit. It seemed he just couldn't keep it together, even on meds. And, now, he's about to be turned loose on society. Scares me spitless, to tell the truth, and I know he's even more frightened. Inside, he is still that infant that never got his needs met, and so has this big hole in his soul that can never be filled up. The trouble is, he is 18, 6 ft. tall, and BUILT. Some infant, right? Well, he is still emotionally an infant, with all the needs of a baby to be held, fed, etc. Can't do that with an adult male, so he acts out sexually and verbally. Not a pleasant person to be around much of the time. So, yeah, I know all about it. It still hurts, deep inside, and always will. But, I ceased to hold myself responsible for his problems long ago, after putting him in the hospital the first time. I had a bad case of feeling like a failure as a parent, and that lasted for a few years, but for more than 9 years, now, I have realized that I am not the one who did this to him, and I am not superhuman. It takes an entire hospital to contain him, so what did I think I could do by myself? Silly, huh? So, you write any time you want to, and you can use my personal email addy, if you like. Loving hugs, MM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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