Re: My mother has won her battle - Kate and all

March 7, 2012

Kate, before I offer comments, I'll once again thank all who have offered

condolences. And, I can't recall if I sent you a message of condolence. The

past month has been difficult so it's not impossible that I missed doing that.

If so, please accept my condolences on your loss. As long as this journey is,

we are never entirely ready to have our loved one leave us.

I will visit Mom's facility Monday and settle what remains of her bill. I don't

expect them to make a big deal out of it. But, they do charge for each day

anything remains in the room. So, hours after Mom passed, we were in there to

gather her belongings and bring it home. If it had not been for the presence of

a friend, I might not have been able to do that so quickly. You know how it is

with corporate profits... I understand. It is a business and only by making a

profit can they be there to provide a safe environment for those who are so very

much in need of care. Still...a day of grace would be nice.

Freezing bank accounts? I don't know what happened when my father passed 38

years ago. They lived with us but I really don't recall any issues arising.

Perhaps it is different in different locations. What an awful thing to happen!

I'm leaving your comments at the bottom of this because they offer good advice.

I am an only child so there were no siblings to consult. That made the

decisions easier in many respects but there is no one now who can share memories

of a childhood or remind me if my memory is flawed. I don't have to worry about

probate...six years in long term care left nothing to probate. I haven't taken

any reimbursements. We promised my mother that if she ever needed care, we

would ensure it was done properly. It hasn't been easy but we kept our promise.

We made prearrangements for Mom when she was diagnosed. And, Mom made the

burial arrangements back in 1988. When we made that discovery yesterday at the

funeral home (those results were made elsewhere and obtained by the funeral home

we contacted in 2006), I wished I could give Mom a huge hug! We couldn't find

those papers...someone was looking over our shoulder for sure.

Your most valuable piece of advice is the last one. Without that, none of the

others matter. Things will go wrong. Yesterday morning was an awful one for

me. Nothing went right. Shrug it off and move forward before it clouds

everything and even more goes wrong!

Kate, you have offered valuable advice to individuals in this group. It speaks

from experience and that is often more worthy than from a book. It is real,

full of human frailties and strengths.

Best wishes to you as you recover,

Lynn in Florida

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>

> Lynn

>

> I also lost my mom this month, too> snip

>

Within a week, the wonderful nursing home started being less

> than kind about the few hundred dollars we still owed. Mom was on

> Medicaid, no estate of any value, so I suppose they were worried. >

> Forty years ago, at my dad's passing, Mom had an even worse experience. Back

then, bank accounts were frozen at someone's death. Even joint accounts. <snip>

> Here's what I learned:>

>

> - Do not close bank accounts until all bills are paid, probate is

> complete (if there is something to probate) and any money owed to her

estate) has been received. This also helps with keeping records of where her

money has gone.

> - Get many copies of the death certificate. Every time you get a check

that is made out to the estate of, there will be forms to fill out and notarize

and a certified death certificate to accompany that form. And, at least in

Minnesota, you have to hold onto the checks for 30 days before you can even turn

the form in. It would have been a lot simpler if I had kept her bank account

open.

> - In Minnesota, you only have to go through Probate if there are assets of

over $50,000. For anything less, you can do an informal probate. And,if it is

just a matter of things like insurance refunds, even informal probate isn't

necessary - just the notarized form and the death certificate.

> - You have to notify EVERYONE. The county generally has the

> information, but it is wise to confirm that they know if something like

Medicaid is involved. If VA benefits are involved, you have to be sure to

inform them AND be aware that they may require that you return the last benefit

check or amount. Credit cards need to be closed (if you haven't already). I'm

sure there are others I haven't encountered yet.

> - Have a prepaid funeral account for at least $10,000. Between the

service, cremation or burial or both, funeral director, church and other costs

(lunch, musicians, pastors, printing) this is a minimum. If, as the passing is

approaching, you are concerned that you don't have enough in the account, add to

it right away.

> - Be sure you understand all the rules of the cemetery. They have all

sorts of rules about what the marker can look like, how large it can be,how it

should be set, etc. And, even if they have a rule, if you need something that

is outside of their regulations, ask for it. You may need to go through a

process, but you are often successful.

> - And a suggestion. If you have a number of siblings, let each take

responsibility (and power) over parts of the funeral. And accept how they

decide to handle it. It's important to their grieving process and your sanity.

>

> And, when mistakes or other bad things happen, try to take them in stride.

Taking things too much to heart and getting upset by them doesn't help anyone

and leads to ulcers. The mistakes or downright awful things that happen are

someday going to be the things you remember - maybe even fondly or with humor -

years from now.

March 7, 2012

Dear ,

My heart breaks reading your email. I know how time consuming it is to care for

a loved one, but please try to take care of your own health (I know it's much

easier said than done).

On a recent trip to Walmart, I remarked to the cashier that years ago we used to

go shopping and buy diapers for our kids; now we are buying them for our parents

(my Mom has had lbd for about 12 years, and my husband's dad has Alzheimer's for

about 4 or 5 years now).

Hang in there, and keep your sense of humor,

Regards from NY,

Helene

> >

> > Lynn

> >

> > I also lost my mom this month, too> snip

> >

> Within a week, the wonderful nursing home started being less

> > than kind about the few hundred dollars we still owed. Mom was on

> > Medicaid, no estate of any value, so I suppose they were worried. >

> > Forty years ago, at my dad's passing, Mom had an even worse experience. Back

then, bank accounts were frozen at someone's death. Even joint accounts. <snip>

>

> > Here's what I learned:>

> >

> > - Do not close bank accounts until all bills are paid, probate is

> > complete (if there is something to probate) and any money owed to her

estate) has been received. This also helps with keeping records of where her

money has gone.

> > - Get many copies of the death certificate. Every time you get a check that

is made out to the estate of, there will be forms to fill out and notarize and a

certified death certificate to accompany that form. And, at least in Minnesota,

you have to hold onto the checks for 30 days before you can even turn the form

in. It would have been a lot simpler if I had kept her bank account open.

>

> > - In Minnesota, you only have to go through Probate if there are assets of

over $50,000. For anything less, you can do an informal probate. And,if it is

just a matter of things like insurance refunds, even informal probate isn't

necessary - just the notarized form and the death certificate.

> > - You have to notify EVERYONE. The county generally has the

> > information, but it is wise to confirm that they know if something like

Medicaid is involved. If VA benefits are involved, you have to be sure to inform

them AND be aware that they may require that you return the last benefit check

or amount. Credit cards need to be closed (if you haven't already). I'm sure

there are others I haven't encountered yet.

> > - Have a prepaid funeral account for at least $10,000. Between the service,

cremation or burial or both, funeral director, church and other costs (lunch,

musicians, pastors, printing) this is a minimum. If, as the passing is

approaching, you are concerned that you don't have enough in the account, add to

it right away.

> > - Be sure you understand all the rules of the cemetery. They have all sorts

of rules about what the marker can look like, how large it can be,how it should

be set, etc. And, even if they have a rule, if you need something that is

outside of their regulations, ask for it. You may need to go through a process,

but you are often successful.

> > - And a suggestion. If you have a number of siblings, let each take

responsibility (and power) over parts of the funeral. And accept how they decide

to handle it. It's important to their grieving process and your sanity.

> >

> > And, when mistakes or other bad things happen, try to take them in stride.

Taking things too much to heart and getting upset by them doesn't help anyone

and leads to ulcers. The mistakes or downright awful things that happen are

someday going to be the things you remember - maybe even fondly or with humor -

years from now.

>

March 7, 2012